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A Burning Sensation
Last night, as I was scraping the burnt remains of my annual attempt at cooking into the garbage, I overheard my children whispering heatedly in the next room. I heard only pieces of their conversation and wasn’t really paying any real attention to their squabble as I was still fighting the queasy feeling from trying to digest my overly charred supper. As I was eyeing the blackened remains of our supper and pondering if I should offer them to my dog or not, Frac raced through the kitchen, into his room and then zipped back through the kitchen holding a dictionary.
My heart warmed at the site of this. (Well that, and the heartburn that was currently attacking my insides.) Nothing pleases a writer mom more than watching her offspring navigate a dictionary.
More than a little curious now, I tiptoed to the edge of the living room and tried to become stealth-like. I wondered what word they were arguing over, and I pictured them debating the spelling and definition of a variety of large words. I had visions dance through my head of attending their graduation ceremonies, both of them the valedictorians, and then, maybe one day, watching them win Pulitzer and Nobel prizes for their great works of literature.
I like to dream big.
As my stomach tossed and turned the evenings offerings around in my belly, I cupped my ear and listened.
“No Frac, you are wrong. That is not what it means,” said my daughter in her huffy, know-it-all-big-sister voice.
“Yes, Fric it does too. You’re wrong,” came my son’s biting retort.
My daughter then grabbed the dictionary and tossed it aside. “This is a baby dictionary. We need to get the big one from Mom’s room.”
“No we don’t. I’m right. And you’re a booger-eater.” So clever that boy of mine.
“No, a playboy bunny is just a rabbit a boy plays with at Easter, Frac. That is what it means. You’re stupid,” my witty girl retorted.
What the fu*%??? I thought.
“No,” countered my son, ” a playboy bunny is a rich boy’s pet. That’s what a playboy is. That’s what my teacher says. It’s a grown man with lots of money and time to waste. So a playboy bunny is his pet. YOU ARE STILL A BOOGER EATER. And I’m smarter than you,” he said in a smirking sing song tone.
Suddenly, visions of my darling children’s literary accomplishments vanished in a puff of smoke. I quickly backed away and turned on my stereo in the kitchen. There is no way in hell I am going to define what a playboy bunny is.
I wouldn’t want to give either one of them ideas.
I had disturbing visions of my son wearing a smoking jacket while my daughter wore significantly less while lounging about in a grotto.
I have resolved to no longer eavesdrop. I don’t want to know when they start trying to figure out words like blowjob and sex kitten.
I’m hiding the dictionaries.
March 22nd, 2007 at 4:25 pm
Sadly, hiding the dictionaries doesn’t work very well.
They’re just too darned resourceful!
Good luck!
March 22nd, 2007 at 4:43 pm
Wait til they get their hands on the internet. HA!
March 22nd, 2007 at 4:56 pm
*snort* That’s better than when Julia asked me what b-o-n-g spelled.
I love it.
March 22nd, 2007 at 5:39 pm
Sadly, I think Frac summed up the Hugh and the bunnies’ situation pretty well. *lol*
March 22nd, 2007 at 6:15 pm
Liv once asked me why I called our neighbors “noodle heads.”
I was surprised. I replied that I would never say that about the people who just moved next door.
“Well, I asked you why they kissed on their front porch and you said they were noodle heads, remember?”
I said they were NEWLYWEDS.
March 22nd, 2007 at 7:47 pm
ROLF!
I do believe that is teh first time I ever used that acrynym.
This is so hilarious! I remember looking up the word “fart.” Your kids are way more sophisticated!
March 22nd, 2007 at 8:19 pm
The eavesdropping is scary. I worked with a woman who installed software on her computer that allowed her to spy on her teenagers’ online chat. Let’s just say, the spyware may have been partly responsible for her subsequent love of the spirited beverages.
Seems like sometimes, ignorance is parenting bliss.
March 22nd, 2007 at 8:36 pm
that is hilarious. i can’t wait for that to happen…all I get now are public embarrassments - like today when I dropped M off at school, stubbed my toe and said S$#@!
to which M ran to her teacher singing S#$#, S*&^, S*(&!
I was the only one amused.
and hey, thanks for what you said over my way. i’ve come here and read your blog before (you are smart as a whip cracker, friend) but don’t think i’ve commented.
about time we’ve met. Thanks MT.
March 22nd, 2007 at 8:37 pm
Gotta love those educationally driven kids… Hubbers, too, remembers looking up “fart” in the dictionary and laughs every time. Sorry, he was that way when I married him.
March 22nd, 2007 at 8:51 pm
I think I should enjoy Jane not talking much while it lasts.
March 22nd, 2007 at 11:19 pm
LOL! I’m cracking up here.
When I was ‘younger’ my brother and I use to look up weird junk in the encyclopedia - like ’stuff’ we heard on the schoolyard or on Three’s Company.
March 22nd, 2007 at 11:40 pm
Sometimes I think having kids is like having your own in-house entertainment running all day long. They come up with the funniest ideas and say the funniest things!
March 22nd, 2007 at 11:46 pm
Ouch. It’s all happening - this year is probably the last of Santa Claus and the Easter bunny - though I’ve been saying that for a couple years now (she’s 9). I’m not yet ready for playboy bunny, even though she already knows that something yucky (meaning boys and private parts) is/are somehow involved in having babies. Mommy and friends have been breaking it slowly. It’s time for the talk.
March 23rd, 2007 at 1:05 am
That one even trumps my son asking me what “boulders” are — he really meant “boners”. Lucky me.
I hear ya.
Carrie
March 23rd, 2007 at 5:14 am
My daughter is 12 going on 20 and has recently been given the privilidge of having the internet on her laptop, after the full talk on the dangers of the site, what she was to use it for HOMEWORK! and that she could communicate with people she already knew in the real world etc etc, what did she do? abused it entirely? posted pictures of herself on a site I had said she couldnt have an account on, linked the profile to another profile that claimed that girls from her school were sexy and then had a list of their photos, it might well have been peadophiles catalogue! I then introduced her to a blogger friends of mines daughter online so they could msn, what did she do? Use language that I had to look up…(trying to unclench teeth and other parts of my anotomy at the memory!)
Anyway, love the blog, have been lurking for ever but have finally got my own blog today, dont rush over, only 3 posts but if anyone visits I’ll be so happy! x
March 23rd, 2007 at 6:13 am
Okay, that was funny. I knew you had your work cut out for you as they grew older but this is taking it to a whole new level.
On the other hand, Heff has got to die sooner or later. Maybe Frac can take over his empire for him and then you’ll all be rich for life.
March 23rd, 2007 at 6:49 am
*snort*
Too funny.
March 23rd, 2007 at 7:58 am
ok, i should never read two of your posts in a row. if i keep going from crying to laughing this quickly, my co-workers are going to think i’m psychotic.
(no, not reading blogs at work is not a viable option.)
March 23rd, 2007 at 8:54 am
Hee hee, I’m so pleased you came to my blog! Thankyou for for being my 2nd ever comment maker! xxx
March 23rd, 2007 at 9:12 am
That was hilarious, as were a bunch of the comments. Those wacky kids. Mine is only 20 months, so I am just beginning to collect language-discovery stories. I got a cute one the other night, actually. We were sitting on the couch watching American Idol when Lulu came on to sing To Sir With Love. We watched for a few seconds and suddenly DD shouted out “Boobies!” For those who didn’t see it, Lulu had her breasts pushed up to her chin. Anyway, DD repeats it a few times, with glee, and then turns around and points at my own chest. Being that I’m flat as a board, I was pretty damn flattered. “Boobies!”
March 23rd, 2007 at 9:24 am
” a playboy bunny is a rich boy’s pet. That’s what a playboy is. That’s what my teacher says.”
How does “playboy” come up in class? Maybe you need to talk to his teacher.
March 23rd, 2007 at 9:29 am
Reading that I remember Meathead when I was pregnant with Boogs telling his kindergarten class that his Mama was gonna push her baby through her yaya… that incited a call from the teacher.
Playboy bunny huh? Frac’s right, rich mans playtoy hehe
Eavesdropping will eventually shorten your lifespan hun.
March 23rd, 2007 at 9:32 am
Dear Lord! That’s funny!!!!
My Stinkerbell asked me what the middle finger meant in sign language.
In our house, that is called “tv words” in sign!
March 23rd, 2007 at 11:01 am
may I introduce you to www.urbandictionary.com
aaahhhhhmen
March 23rd, 2007 at 1:03 pm
That is so funny! I often get caught listening in on my students’ conversations. Where do they come up with their material? It’s better than TV!
March 23rd, 2007 at 1:59 pm
LOL @ Sillychick! I thought about that yesterday too. I had to use the urbandictionary to find out what a tossed salad was. Boy was I disappointed.
March 23rd, 2007 at 2:22 pm
I have no idea what you’re talking about. What is this “Playboy” of which you speak of?
March 23rd, 2007 at 3:58 pm
Parenting definitely has its horrifying moments.
I am somewhat dreading the time when both my girls can talk. Imagine what they’ll say about their parents!
March 23rd, 2007 at 6:15 pm
Hah! I love it. My older son once said, “I’ll have salt, but I really don’t like pecker.”
They do say funny things. I used to try to write them down, but that was when I had one child and was still neurotic.
March 23rd, 2007 at 6:59 pm
I think your kids are sharp as tacks. Look at the way they broke the compound expression down into its component parts in order to derive meaning. Consult the dictionary? Naw. They’re going to write the dictionary.
March 23rd, 2007 at 8:10 pm
I think we’re missing the big picture, here. Why was Frac’s teacher telling him about the playboy bunny (although I LOVE the definition)?
March 23rd, 2007 at 9:56 pm
Hide the Cosmos too…that’s where I got my sex-ed.
March 23rd, 2007 at 11:39 pm
LOL. Too funny. Take care and have a great week!
March 24th, 2007 at 8:52 am
The one benefit of eavesdropping is that one day, you can embarrass them all with this little gem.
March 28th, 2007 at 10:52 am
Oh, hee hee. I actually can’t wait for these moments. Of course, that’s only because D’s already worked his way through repeating every swear word I say. I’m ready to move on to, ah, more complex concepts.