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It’s my Blog, I’ll Write What I want to…
I am not a morning person. Besides waking up with breath so foul that even my dog buries his head in the covers to avoid having to inhale my scent, I am cranky, sore and tired. It comes with sleeping in a mattress that has seen better days. I have to be careful of where I sleep or I risk being impaled by a rogue spring. Of course, being shoved, scratched, and pawed at night does little to help restore my bright and shiney disposition. Nor does the occasional lick.
Which I might enjoy, if it was coming from my husband. However, my little rat of a dog is another story. I’ve decided Nixon, the World’s Greatest Dog, Ever. and I make mighty poor bedfellows. Especially when he manages to entangle a claw into the ole boob ring.
Which he did, again, last night.
F*#ker!
While nursing a sore nipple and a bad attitude I stumbled out of my lumpy bed and walked my aching ass to the coffee pot. I read somewhere that a shot of caffeine first thing in the morning is good for increasing the cheer in your dispostition for four to six hours. Just enough time for me to fully wake up and prevent myself from throttling my children. Who are running wild like imps while on spring break.
Coffee is the lifeblood for my children. It’s what has kept them alive all these years. Not food, water and shelter. Java.
As I’m sipping my coffee and trying to ignore the sounds of my children trying to kill each other wrestling in the living room, my hubs calls for our morning chat. He is just getting off night shift and is getting ready to crash for the day.
“Morning Boo. How was work?”
“It was okay. Boring. They had me bent over like a monkey humping a football all night long, so I think I’m gonna need a massage. I’m thinking of booking one of those special midget massages. Hee hee.”
Yawn. Gonna take more than a midget massage first thing in the morning to rile this wife up.
“That’s nice dear. Enjoy yourself. Ask them to use the hot oil so it penetrates the muscles.”
Clearly, I’ve confused him. That was not the reaction he was aiming for. “Um, okay. So, how did you sleep?”
“Not worth a damn. The dog had his ass in my nose the entire night long, and he kept letting out tiny little POOFS! He farts worse than you. And he got his claw in my ring again. Just about tore my boob right off.”
It’s at this point that my husband goes on his tirade about the damn dog and how he has no business sleeping in bed with me. Which I agree with, but remind him that since he’s not warming my body at night, the dog is the next best thing.
That or the neighbour boy. Which would he prefer?
Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Then my darling husband drops a bomb on me.
“They fired the Hot Asian Chick yesterday. She blew off a shift and now I don’t have any friends up here.”
That got my attention. “Since when were you friends with her?” (How did she go from the hottie he ogled to friend?)
“Well, we started having coffee together while I waited for you to get up. Now I don’t have a coffee buddy.”
(Aww, that just breaks my heart, darling husband. I can’t tell you how tore up I am that you can’t sip your coffee while ogling the fresh meat in front of you.)
“Aw, that sucks. I guess you’ll just have to make a new friend. Any boys down there?” I ask.
“Nah, just the dudes I work with and we see enough of each other. I’m thinking of going on a friend finder and signing up to meet some people,” he says casually.
Suddenly, the coffee has kicked in and I’m at full attention.
“You mean an internet dating service?”
“Well, um, yeah,” he stutters, “but you can meet just friends to hang out with too.”
“And are we looking to meet boys or girls on this site?” He’s hearing the warning tone in my voice, but like a moth to a flame, he proceeds anyway.
Fool.
“Well, if I can meet a guy, great, but I doubt any guy is going to be looking for a coffee buddy. It will probably be a girl. But don’t worry, honey, it’s not like that.”
Sure. Doesn’t sound bad at all. My husband, my very attractive husband, is out of town, getting massaged by midgets and is now trolling for ladies on the net. Doesn’t worry me at all.
I remain silent, digesting this biting my tongue so hard it may start to bleed, so he blunders on. “It’s not like I’m looking to get any. I’ve got you and my bottle of lotion for that. I’m just looking to kill some time.”
How reassuring. I remain quiet.
“I need you to email me a picture so I can post it on my profile.” Yes, because he thinks I’m going to be a willing participant to his debauchery.
“Please?”
“Sure. No problem. I have just the picture for you. I’ll resize it and send it today.”
“Aw, babe, I knew you’d understand. And don’t worry. You know I love you. I’m just lonely and bored. Unless you want to come down…”
Somehow, I’m not in the mood to make that happen.
Besides, I have to dig up the nastiest, most bloated picture I can find of him. And then do some careful photoshopping. He he.
“Oh, and one more thing.” He must have brass balls by this point, I think to myself.
“What’s that, sugar?” (Again, he’s missing the DANGER!!! tone in my voice.)
“You’re not going to blog about this, are you? I don’t want people to think I’m gonna cheat on you or anything. I don’t want to take a beating on your blog.”
“I don’t know what I’m going to blog about today, honey,” I assure him.
Fuck right, I’m blogging about this. My husband is trolling for a girlfriend coffee buddy. If he’s worried about me painting him in a bad light, I have four words for him.
Get your own blog.
Now I have some photoshopping to do.
April 3rd, 2007 at 8:39 am
lol, you have to post the picture, or at least let us have a copy and see what we can come up with on photoshop, please, I already have a few ideas!!! I have glasses similar to yours, am wearing contacts right now, starting to itch, been a long day and not over yet, my mums 50th birthday tonight, going to weigh half a stone more by the time I get home tonight! Have made a silly video of us for mums birthday, when I can get back into geocities, I’ll embed it and send you the url, its daft but fun!
April 3rd, 2007 at 9:03 am
I so agree with Jenny… that would be awesome!
And, I have uttered the same words to my hubz when he is either unhappy about something I’ve written or neglected to write on my blog. It’s a free blogging society, my friend… have fun.
Welcome to your new blog, btw!
April 3rd, 2007 at 9:11 am
Isn’t it AMAZING how stupid they can be??
April 3rd, 2007 at 9:26 am
Please, please, please post the picture. Pleeeeeeze!!!
And … um… that sounds like something my husband would do, only he’d be more receptive to the sound of “danger” in my voice. Maybe your BOO hearing is on a different frequency … you know like Nixon’s?
April 3rd, 2007 at 9:29 am
The dude should know better.
You have to post the picture. Sweet revenge!
April 3rd, 2007 at 9:35 am
Oh. My. God. I don’t know why, but for some reason hearing about your dog pulling on your nipple ring makes everything in my body contract and my fight-or-flight defenses kick into high gear. Ouch.
As for Boo…I can’t believe his brain didn’t flash “DANGER! DANGER!” when he even *considered* asking for your help on this one.
April 3rd, 2007 at 9:38 am
He must be out of his cotton-pickin mind to suggest something like. I wonder what he was smokin before he called you.
April 3rd, 2007 at 9:41 am
Okay, it’s official. Redneck Mommy is now my official girl crush.
You are hot. Smokin’ hot!
And ditto to all the other commenters. Sorry Boo, but we’re getting first dibs on that photograph. I have a feeling you won’t want T to be posting it, anyhow.
April 3rd, 2007 at 9:54 am
Ditto everyone else.
POST THE PICTURE.
April 3rd, 2007 at 9:57 am
I would take a picture of the ass end of Nixon, The World’s Greatest Dog, Ever. and send that along to the Boo.
Tell him to post that, sucka. See how many hits he gets.
Depending on how mad you are, you can always caption it ‘Truth in advertising, ladies.’ lmao.
Just kidding, Boo (60-65% anyway). But for reals? You’re kinda asking for it.
April 3rd, 2007 at 10:03 am
I was holding my breath waiting for you to say April Fools and you DIDNT. Now I’m all upset FOR you. But fair is fair, I spose you’ll just have to post a pic of yourself on the same site, and see what hawt DAWGS you can find to share your morning brew with????
April 3rd, 2007 at 10:14 am
I’m speechless. Which is good. It proves I’ve finally learned when to keep my mouth shut.
April 3rd, 2007 at 10:19 am
What was he THINKING?
Oh, right. He wasn’t.
I would have steam coming out of my ears right about now.
In fact, I do! Just for you!
April 3rd, 2007 at 10:20 am
http://www.eatmybomb.com/wp-content/retarded.jpg
Is this the one Boo wanted?
April 3rd, 2007 at 11:42 am
proving one more time, men are just plain dumb.
April 3rd, 2007 at 11:46 am
If the man does in fact progress with this venture for a coffee buddy — you’ll have to direct us to his “page” or whatever so we can pretend to be toothless, pimpled, diseased hillbilly’s and proposition him.
Just a thought.
He needs another hobby. Can’t he just start gambling or drinking?
April 3rd, 2007 at 11:48 am
I have to ask… is your husband blond? He seems awfully clueless. Do you need to hang flashing lights from your nipple rings for him to read the “danger” in your voice? Men are so oblivious!!!
April 3rd, 2007 at 11:50 am
Oh Boo. (shaking head) Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo.
What were you thinking?
So, T, in this picture are you going to blacken his teeth and make his eyes look crossed? Maybe a few boils? Ooh, how about a mullet and a long, dangly earring with a feather hanging from it? I don’t think you’ll have to worry about any potential coffee buddies after they view that masterpiece.
April 3rd, 2007 at 11:55 am
Too f’n funny. And what a jerk. (Sorry Boo.)
April 3rd, 2007 at 12:19 pm
asswipe. your husband, not you.
April 3rd, 2007 at 12:36 pm
Hey T! Nice new place you got here
I dunno what to say about Boo - but if he was mine he’d be walking with a limp right about now..
cq
April 3rd, 2007 at 1:02 pm
If my husband ever suggested joining an internet site to ‘make friends’ I’d send him a pic with “Do it and die” typed across it. What a fuckwit.
April 3rd, 2007 at 1:11 pm
Perhaps you can send Nixon the dog for a visit to warm his bed with farts.
April 3rd, 2007 at 2:00 pm
Boo? Are you reading this? That was stupid, my friend. Very, very stupid. You’ve done it now. I hope you live through this, Boo.
T: Let’s see that photo!
April 3rd, 2007 at 2:06 pm
Oh Boo - being up there in the great white north with your hand for company has obviously left you effing clueless!!! Go get him T, and get him good..photo shop will be the least of his worries….
April 3rd, 2007 at 2:07 pm
That poor bugger. When will he learn?
April 3rd, 2007 at 2:21 pm
I was going to say something, but “fuckwit” has already been used and I’ve got no better word.
April 3rd, 2007 at 2:37 pm
What the #$#@!? And he wants you to Photoshop a pic and email it to him?
Speechless.
April 3rd, 2007 at 2:40 pm
when you sent him the photo…did you mention that you were opening your own account because, by all means, don’t you need a coffee buddy during the day too?
After all, he is gone an awful lot..!
April 3rd, 2007 at 2:56 pm
Send it to meeeee pleeeeze. I will make sure he gets LOTS of coffee buddies. TONS I say.
*wink wink, nudge nudge*
That is, unless the kind in PRISON aren’t acceptable…
April 3rd, 2007 at 3:21 pm
There is no way is he actually asking for you to send a photo. He has to be giving you this just to see if you will write about it. Or to see what kind of photo you send.
C’mon, Boo for the sake of us men, recind your request for a picture and drop this talk of a “coffee buddy”. We try so hard to make our women believe we are not that dumb, but this???
April 3rd, 2007 at 5:08 pm
And how long you been married? At some point, the man has to learn when to change the subject! Jeez…he not only dug his own grave, he crawled and lay down so you could throw on the dirt! LOL
April 3rd, 2007 at 5:25 pm
Ah. Yeah, why don’t you let us all know where his site is on the friend finder and we can all take him for a very unusual ride.
A big scare is very good for them now and then…..
April 3rd, 2007 at 5:25 pm
In the man’s defense, I have to say that though he’s an idiot he seems to be an honest one.
April 3rd, 2007 at 5:56 pm
when he signs up and gets his profile, share it with me. then i’ll go round on friend finder and find him and scare the living shit out of him by showing him all the PSYCHONESS that exists in that realm.
That’ll teach him.
I’m feeling kinda riled up about this.
April 3rd, 2007 at 6:09 pm
[…] upset about them, be it the personal information shared, that you are writing about them, or all of the above. Marriage is a rollercoaster ride by itself, why add to the stress? Not to mention I just […]
April 3rd, 2007 at 6:14 pm
I agree with d (comment 29). Why shouldn’t *you* have a (male, young, hot) coffee buddy? And would it really matter if he took his shirt off to show his six pack when he accidentally spilled coff…ok, maybe I need a coffee buddy. Heh. But you get the idea. Fair’s fair.
Please, please, please post the photo?
April 3rd, 2007 at 6:32 pm
i would like to nominate the man for a Darwin Award.
http://darwinawards.com/darwin/
usually this award is given post mortem. very few have ever received this prestigious decoration for this very reason.
mind you… he is still a safe distance from home.
April 3rd, 2007 at 6:59 pm
Did he like fall and hit his head? I mean seriously, that can be the only explination for such a request. I’m speechless.
April 3rd, 2007 at 7:21 pm
please oh please post the picture. Pleeeeeease?
April 3rd, 2007 at 8:46 pm
I don’t know why he needs a coffee buddy when he’s got ALL OF US TO TALK TO! Hey, Boo, email us while your lovely wife is spooning with the dog. We all over the world, you’re bound to catch one of us at any time of the day!
RM, please share the pic. I need a good laugh.
April 3rd, 2007 at 9:01 pm
So, do YOU wanna have coffee sometime?
;o)>
April 3rd, 2007 at 9:39 pm
I just found your blog and man do you crack me up! As for the dog nail in the nipple ring? I say the dog can sleep in her bed and you can get a hot water bottle for warmth… that just doesn’t sound like any fun.
April 3rd, 2007 at 11:16 pm
Please post the pic.
I found you via LA Daddy. I love the look of your blog (and the smart-ass posting too!).
April 4th, 2007 at 1:09 am
uhm, i think it’s time another “fatal attraction” movie was made…just as a refresher course for the guys that missed the “bunny stew”.
April 4th, 2007 at 1:25 am
Hey. Stumbled across from LA Daddy.
Utterly dumbfounded at the stupidity, gullibility…You’re not making this up, right? (Mind you, if you made this up, no-one would believe you.)
Still, at least he’s had the luck to be dismembered online with a lot of elegance.
April 4th, 2007 at 5:18 am
So, is Boo on crack, or… ???
April 4th, 2007 at 6:31 am
Oh Boo *sigh*
T… send him the family photo… you know the one… where he’s wearing the really ugly shirt that he swore was a good idea at the time. We all have em.
April 4th, 2007 at 7:21 am
Gawd! We’re ALL married to idiots! LMAO …
April 4th, 2007 at 3:15 pm
!
Lordy, lordy. I’m speechless.
April 4th, 2007 at 4:12 pm
Us girls should all be thankful we do not have that lonely old why chromosome! To think we all could be that clueless. Poor Boo will he survive this post?
Oh ya Nixon ummm OW OW OW OW.
April 4th, 2007 at 4:13 pm
Crap had a brain fart. I meant “Y” chromosome. LOL.
April 4th, 2007 at 8:32 pm
That post is the first thing in weeks that has allowed me to forget about everything and juts laugh. Hysterically. You’re brillaint. Thank you! If you are feeling benevolent you can tell your husband he is one of many in the community of beleagured men married to bloggers. Oh the candor!
April 5th, 2007 at 2:15 am
is 53 comments a record? xxx
April 5th, 2007 at 4:11 am
Oh. My. Gawd.
Boo? I know men think with their man bits most times, but you really need to set them aside and find a brain cell. Quick. And when you do? Use it.
April 5th, 2007 at 9:45 am
#42 hit the nail on the head - my husband knows whatever he can do I can do better. Tit for tat. Or tit for dick if the case might be. That pretty much keeps him in line!
April 6th, 2007 at 1:29 pm
Oh, I’m so going to have my husband read this! If you lived closer, I’ve got the perfect redneck buddy for him to hang out with. They could compare notes on how often their wives blog them LOL
April 6th, 2007 at 9:57 pm
You are adorable. And while I’m somewhat sympathetic to lonely hubsies, all I can say to him is…
HMPH!!!
April 8th, 2007 at 11:39 am
OK, the other side of this is that what he was suggesting, in all honesty, was a way to find someone to talk to.
Yeah, sounds crappy and all, but, probably one of the most honest things he has ever done.
Guys looking for a
fuck buddy“Someone to have coffee with”, don’t tell their wives.April 19th, 2007 at 7:22 am
WTF?????????