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A Basket Full of Moose Turds
As a small child, I loved Easter. My family wasn’t particularly religious so my only obligation for this holiday was to create an Easter basket pretty enough and big enough to house my chocolate bunny and assorted treats the bunny would leave behind. Usually socks and a set of jacks. Sprinkled liberally with those foil-wrapped chocolate eggs that now remind me of the moose shit I have to clean off my lawn every damn week in the summer.
Yummy. You haven’t lived until you step into a pile of moose turds.
Things changed as I became an adult and a parent. Not only did the little foil-wrapped chocolates lose their appeal, but suddenly I was responsible for filling the Easter baskets, not just gnawing on the chocolate bunny. There was also the matter of me becoming a Christian and suddenly this holiday actually has a meaning beyond a little rabbit shitting out chocolate eggs for kids to eat.
Now Easter means dipping hardboiled eggs into the vinegary dye, after an Easter egg search and basket hunt where Boo and I try desperately to outwit our cunning little children, all while thanking our Lord and feeling guilty for not attending the local church service in favour of sleeping late and um, fornicating like rabbits.
Since my Shalebug died, all holidays have lost a little of their holiday sheen. Now as the kids hunt for their colourful eggs and gnaw on their chocolate bunnies, I am bogged down with sadness and mired in memories from the past, unable to truly enjoy the moment.
It seems as though my Bug hopped off with my holiday heart and left behind little moose turds in it’s wake. Bugger. It is hard to truly enjoy the moment when I worry constantly that he will forget me, or resent me, or worse yet, that it’s truly over, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, and I will never have another moment to tell him how much I loved his stinky, drooling, hair-touching ways.
It sucks the holiday joy right out of a mom. It’s right about this moment that my faith steps in and kicks into auto-drive. That and my anti-depressants. Together, they work like magic and prevent that blanket of grief from smothering the joy right out of me.
I wish I could say I was finding it easier as the grains of time slipped through my hourglass. This is the second Easter I will face without having a 30 pound sack of drooling child attached to my hip. The second Easter where I won’t have to find non-edible treats to put into a basket for a child who can’t eat. The second Easter where my son and daughter will dye their eggs and reminisce about their brother, and then break down with a sadness that I can never completely hug away.
Sometimes it really sucks being the mommy.
This year though, things have shifted a half degree. The binds of grief have loosened a fraction around our hearts, allowing us to breathe just a tad easier. Memories of the Bug aren’t as painful, even if they are just as vivid. The longing for him is worse, but our tears have dried some. I anticipate a good-sized chocolate bunny and a well-filled basket will help smooth some of the bumps an Easter with one less will bring.
After all, we are bruised but not broken. And the Easter bunny hops on for everyone. Even the grief stricken. And this year, the Easter bunny hopped a little earlier for Boo and I.
Yesterday, we received a phone call from our adoption case worker Easter bunny to inform us that she will be by on Tuesday to finish the paperwork for our adoption. Which means, by the end of this month we will be approved (finally) and free to start shopping for a child child matching.
I may get my kid before the end of the school year yet. How’s that for a well filled Easter basket?
As I phoned my darling Boo to tell him the good news and have him yank me down from the stratosphere of happiness, I noticed he was remaining a little quiet while I gushed on about great timing, kids names and my love of all government employees in general.
“What’s the matter Boo? Have you changed your mind? Do you still want to adopt?” I tell you dear internet, my heart froze with fear at this possibility.
“Not that at all. I’m really excited. I am just a little worried.”
“Worried? About what? The home assessment is a formality. You and I both know they will try to toss as many handicapped kids at us as humanely possible, just to get them out of the system. We are a gold mine to these people. What’s to worry about?”
Now, I’m concerned. I’m running through all the various scenarios that we could face and I still can’t see why we wouldn’t be approved to adopt a munchkin. I’ll keep my nipple rings covered and my tattoo hidden. Surely they will overlook a little silver hoop in the nose.
My house will be cleaned, the kids at school (thank God, so they won’t tell the lady I make them drink out of the toilet bowl when they are thirsty) and I will refrain from cussing like the redneck I am. What could go wrong, I think.
“I’m just a little concerned she may find your blog. And then, you know. Read it.”
SHIT.
I’m fucking doomed. I may have to settle for foil wrapped moose turds after all.
April 6th, 2007 at 8:21 am
i think if she does find your blog, she’ll realize what an brutually honest, hilarious, wonderful, loving person you are, not to mention your strength and the strength of your family. what better qualities to have to raise a child.
best of luck!
April 6th, 2007 at 9:08 am
“Sometimes it really sucks being the mommy.”
You summed that shit up quite succinctly right there.
My kid’s only 7 and I’m hoping she’ll start a blog any day now, just so I know what she’s REALLY thinking.
April 6th, 2007 at 9:22 am
I second fatty–I think this blog should be a caseworker’s dream. Yes, there are bad words and referencing to bodily piercings that make my grasp my chest and wince a bit, but there is also a depth and honesty and conveyance of love that takes my breath away.
Oh, and you’re dead cute (;-))
April 6th, 2007 at 9:41 am
I hope Easter is a bit easier for you all this year. And I agree, the blog is funny and honest and warm-hearted. We all know how much you love your kiddos, if someone read it, they would, too.
April 6th, 2007 at 9:47 am
You made that little band that’s inside my throat tighten right up with this post.
I can relate to the holiday sheen being worn off after a loss.
I’m so happy that things are progressing with the adoption…I’d love to read your casworker’s blog, though, for real. THAT shit is probably WAY interesting.
April 6th, 2007 at 9:47 am
casEworker, I meant.
Time for ice cream.
April 6th, 2007 at 9:51 am
There is nothing on this blog that could possibly dissuade a person, charged with finding the right home for a child in need, that you aren’t worthy. If anything, all your posts point to just how very worthy and compassionate and cerebral and decent and funny you are. In other words, the perfect home.
(Easter hugs…)
April 6th, 2007 at 9:58 am
So, in addition to knowing you are a whitty, strong, loving person, they might find out you have *gasp* TALENT??? God forbid.
April 6th, 2007 at 9:58 am
Well, if she does find your blog she will see the love you have for all your children and how much love you will have for another. If she find the humor to be a concern, you should ask her how else do you deal with what has been thrown your way. If we dont laugh, we cry, and sometimes you do both. Either way you are emotional exhausted in the end.
I swear my heart jumped to hear some good news on your adoption saga. I only know you from you blog, but I would throw my kids at you while driving away very fast.
Happy Easter (hope your basket is filled with some adult enjoyment this Easter)
April 6th, 2007 at 10:01 am
I think Boo’s afraid that the caseworker will read about the hot asian coffee buddy and the on-line “coffee” service, but not make it all the way to the rebuttal (which of course is certain redemption!). You just can’t have one without the other.
April 6th, 2007 at 10:20 am
Do you hide your kids’ baskets? My mother always did. It was supposed to be fun to look for them, but she hid them so well we could never find them. She wasn’t happy until at least one of us was so frustrated, he or she was crying. No better way to celebrate the resurrection than by torturing your offspring.
Now that’s someone who probably shouldn’t be allowed to adopt.
April 6th, 2007 at 10:30 am
Just the right combination of rip-your-heart-out-with-sympathy and funny.
Happy Easter.
April 6th, 2007 at 10:44 am
That’s great news! And the blog? First of all, she’d never find you, but if she did she would only have to read one post about your Bug and the caseworker would be throwing kids at you to adopt. Tattoos? Nipple rings? Naughty words? Pssshh. That’s nothin’. You’re going to make a great adoptive mother.
Do you see how happy I am for you? I can’t think of a single snarky thing to say. I’m actually complimenting you and not saying anything about your hairy monkey toes.
April 6th, 2007 at 11:07 am
If you don’t tell her about the blog, you probably don’t have any worries. Besides, I have read just about every post from the beginning and haven’t found anything distressing at all. Now if her stick is wedged in tight there might be some “language issues”. Other than that, no problem.
Happy (Hoppy) Easter. Enjoy the holidays with the kids. I mean look at it like I do, you only get so many holidays with your family, maybe you only get 50 - 70 in your whole lifetime of EASTERS, Thanksgivings and Christmases (sp?). SO enjoy them all as wholly as you can. Chin up, the Easter bunny, is gonna bring you a baby chick, I just know it.
April 6th, 2007 at 11:10 am
Congratulations! I can’t wait till you meet your match
April 6th, 2007 at 11:17 am
If they find your blog and don’t realize how incredibly loving and generous and kind you are, then I don’t know. … I know lots of people think the government hasn’t got a sense of humor, but I have to hope that’s not true. Now especially.
Best wishes to you and yours, and Happy Easter.
April 6th, 2007 at 12:03 pm
Yay! Congratulations! That’s wonderful news. I would not waste a single second worrying about the case worker finding your blog. I know I’m just repeating what everyone has already said but your blog would only prove what a loving, compassionate, kind, fun Mommy that you would be
No worries, now - this is an exciting time!
Happy Easter!
April 6th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
Ok, just read your comment over to Joy’s place and wanted to let you know that you are super cute
(and I’m so not being facetious)!
April 6th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
I think anyone who happens upon your blog will soon realize how LUCKY any child would be to have you as a Mommy!
Happy Easter.
April 6th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
I agree with everyone who tells you not to worry about anyone who discovers this blog (Take a chill pill Boo) I’m a very new reader and I knew in the first couple of minutes that you were a wonderful, loving, compassionate mom who was as much a blessing to Bug as Bug was to you. You’ll make a great mom for any child. Even with the occasional potty mouth and the hoops in your nips
Have a Blessed Easter…sending hugs to you and the family and wishing you a good day~
April 6th, 2007 at 1:09 pm
no worries, redneck mommy, no worries.
you’re awesome.
April 6th, 2007 at 2:06 pm
I think if they found your blog - they’d find (gasp) a human being! You’re an awesome mom, wife and you have the world’s greatest dog (Nixon). So stop worrying (I’m a worrier too) - and have some chocolate bunny time with Boo and Fric & Frac. Remember the Shalebug and blow him kisses - he’ll blow you some right back!
April 6th, 2007 at 2:14 pm
That’s great news! I am so happy for you. No worries about the blog, my dear - your feelings, and how much you have to give, are obvious to even those bears of very little brains. Happy Easter.
April 6th, 2007 at 2:30 pm
T, did you have to make me cry so early in the morning? My coffee is all watery now.
I am SO happy to hear you will be able to adopt a child so soon!! Happy Easter sweet T!
April 6th, 2007 at 3:51 pm
You make me appreciate my daughter more than anyone ever has. I love you.
April 6th, 2007 at 4:02 pm
Your comments about the pain of passing holidays really touched my heart. I love my kids dearly and can’t imagine losing one. I can’t even imagine your pain at times…or the courage it takes to keep going and be the strong, funny, take-no-shit person you seem to be.
And anyone finding your blog will pee themselves laughing. And after they change undies, they’ll find a million reasons to appreciate you.
And maybe they’ll think you’re kidding about drinking out of the toilet.
April 6th, 2007 at 4:11 pm
I can’t imagine anything said here that would sway anyone from handing over a kid to you to raise and nuture. *cough*
I wish my children were little again. I miss times like these where all the little lovelies are out searching for eggs and where they’d get excited about dipping eggs in that nasty smelling vinegar.
I hope you and your family have a great weekend. It’ll all work out and you’ll have a baby in your home before you know it.
By the way-what age are you trying to adopt?
April 6th, 2007 at 4:48 pm
Miss T, what great news. Are we surprised? No, because we knew from the start that you would be accepted. Who would be better adoptive parents to a new little munchkin than loving people like you and Boo because you have the experience and the heart. And, the willingness to open your arms and your home to someone who has special needs.
I could tell you were so very excited and happy. Boo just needs a hug from you to know that everything will be alright in the end.
As far as your blog goes, I’ve always said that you can say whatever you please on a blog. And I don’t think you have ever said anything offensive, hateful, hurtful, or nasty. You’ve just been as honest as hell. You have poured out your soul and your heart to us, almost perfect strangers, and you have allowed us to be part of your lives, tears and moose turds and all. For this I thank you. Now, we can’t wait to hear about the rest of the story and to see pictures of the little darling who is about to be part of your lives. Oh, I forgot. You have to choose him or her first, then you can take pictures.
I share your joy, dear heart.
April 6th, 2007 at 5:34 pm
If she finds your blog, she’ll laugh, she’ll cry, and then she’ll give you the big hug and the child that you deserve.
April 6th, 2007 at 5:55 pm
oh honey. who couldn’t fall in love with you?
no one.
what a bittersweet time. I can’t pretend to know how any of it feels, but I do know I care and am listening and cheering you on as you walk down the next path.
April 6th, 2007 at 6:02 pm
Hmm, a strong, witty woman clearly passionately in love with her husband, able to balance devotion toward and pragmatism about the two kids she has, and with a profound sense of saddness about the child she lost, but still able to muster hope for the future. Me thinks your blog may be the most valuable piece of your qualifications. And if they thought otherwise, fuck ‘em. We’ll figure out another way to make it happen.
April 6th, 2007 at 6:27 pm
I should say something funny, but I can’t. The thought of you and Boo and Fric and Frac making a home for another little munchkin who needs you just makes me heart swell, pushing tears out from my lower lids.
You’ll be amazing, and any case worker who doesn’t recognise that, blog-aware or not, is sorely in need of a lesson or two.
I’m so happy for you. Congratulations. And Happy Easter.
April 6th, 2007 at 7:17 pm
I’m glad to hear that the adoption process is ticking along as quickly as it can.
Enjoy your moose turds. I like my droppings caramel filled. How about you?
April 6th, 2007 at 7:49 pm
it’s my second easter too, with the moose turds. but this year, for us, is also the first with a little O to feed chocolate to for the first time, so there will be mostly joy here, i think.
i am so happy for you & Boo about the adoption rolling on. and if i were a caseworker, hell, i’d be intimidated just to meetcha, lady, cause you’re obviously a bloggy rock star. kids love bloggy rock stars, don’t they?
April 6th, 2007 at 8:41 pm
Have you ever thought about what your Bug will be like the next time you see him? We know that in heaven there will be no sickness, sorrow, or pain. We will know even as we are known. He’ll know you and you will know him. He’ll be able to say things that perhaps he couldn’t before, like, “I love you, Mom!”
Yeah, sometimes it sucks to be the mommy, but most of the time it’s the greatest thing in the world.
You know what? He is risen! He’s coming back! Hope is what allows us to keep going and we have *the* greatest hope there is.
April 7th, 2007 at 5:12 am
I hope she does find your blog, because then she’ll realize what an honest, loving, down-to-earth person you are. And then you’ll have so many kids knocking on your door you won’t know what to do with yourself.
I remember the first holiday after my mom died where it didn’t really hurt, where I actually enjoyed myself. It was refreshing, relieving. I hope you have a good Easter.
April 7th, 2007 at 6:09 am
With all the great qualities you possess, they will be jumping through that hoop in your nose to give you a child. With or without this blog.
Happy Easter.
April 7th, 2007 at 6:43 am
I can’t imagine anything I’m reading here convincing anyone you shouldn’t be able to adopt a child. I suspect quite the opposite, really.
Have a very happy Easter.
April 7th, 2007 at 7:47 am
No worries hun, this blog is testament to your mothering, that or I’d kindly point her to the other blog. If that doesn’t prove what a huge heart you have, nothing ever will. My God, not to many folks on here could alter peoples perspectives on things, such as special needs children and adults, quite like you have. How many times has someone told you they’ve learned not to look past, or to be afraid to talk with or interact with a special needs person?
I figured though that the tiny lil chocolate eggs would reminded you more of Nixon’s gifts, not a moose’s.
And toilet water? Hell, could be worse, could be the pond they hydrate themselves with
April 7th, 2007 at 9:29 am
yup….I was thinking the same thing about the background check that is going on for my job right now, “oh, they won’t find the blog, how COULD they?” they did. it is gone. it will be back when they are done. bastards.
April 7th, 2007 at 10:31 am
This is where I actually have some interesting information (kind of a weird place to be for me.) I have a friend who was interested in adopting a child with her husband and yes, she has a blog. A blog that actually is very similar in content, honesty and true wit as well.
The agency found her blog. I am not sure how that was accomplished as she was very careful (she had a stalker at one time) and NEVER posted pictures, addresses, etc.
This woman at the agency took her to task a bit. Asked her if she was “comfortable” talking about “marital relations” in her blog. (She had one hilarious post about, of all things, infertility and trying to get pregnant.) She shot right back with the answer that she was proud of who she is and had nothing to hide (as you should be.)
They offered her a handicapped child as if it was a second best consolation prize or something. She and her husband had never considered raising a handicapped child, but decided to do it. They had met the child and fell madly in love with her.
Their daughter is now 3 years old, has had a cleft palate fixed and she is mentally handicapped, yes…but she is the most incredible children I have ever known. And she is loved, man, dude…she is SO loved.
I say damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead.
April 7th, 2007 at 10:33 am
Oh, good hell…I need to spell check my POSTS now???
I meant that my friend’s child is one of the most incredible children that I have ever known.
My daughter is the most incredible…she gets that prize.
April 7th, 2007 at 11:14 am
Hell, woman, you brought me through the wringer and back with this post. Tears, laughter, shouts of joy — this has it all. You’re an amazing writer.
And even more: you’re an amazing mother. It shines through bright and beautiful in your writing. There would never be a miniscule piece of doubt in my mind, and certainly not in anyone’s mind who’s ever spent a moment with you (virtually or otherwise) that you are an incredibly loving and caring mom.
Happy Easter to you and your family. I know you’ll be thinking of your Bug, and I hope you enjoy the bittersweet memories along with a basketful of new ones.
April 7th, 2007 at 4:27 pm
If she reads your blog, unless she is stupid, she will read about a family willing to embrace a child into their hearts and lives. Your man is just doing some overtime worrying.
I feel sad that Bug is not there as well. Eat some chocolate for him and make it taste extra good….
April 7th, 2007 at 5:22 pm
Blog discovery or not, you’re a goldmine. If they do discover it then you’re either a funny goldmine or a goldmine that gets discussed with a lot of judgement around the social worker’s watercooler.
Who cares? You’re getting more responsibility!
April 19th, 2007 at 7:37 am
The truth can’t hurt, right? It’s all good I;m sure!!