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Pass the Puns, Please
A few questions I wouldn’t mind receiving answers to on this fine Sunday morning:
Why, dammit, must my dog insist on sleeping with his ass in my nose every damn night?
And why, dammit, am I too stupid not to remember this as I give him his rawhide treat which gives him terrible gas?
Why does taking your children to an amusement park empty out your wallet faster than a tire deflating after running over a nail? (Which, yes I did this week too.)
Why, when flying through the air in a completely unsafe ride that you loved as a teenager, only makes you feel nauseous and worried about the safety of your children, who are also flying through the air with you?
Why, instead of capturing the glory of my fleeting youth at said amusement park I walked away aged, half crippled, broke, dizzy, exhausted and decidedly unyouthful?
And perhaps the biggest question of the day, why, when I see a tattoo parlor must I make an appointment to get inked again, knowing full well my darling husband is going to FUCKING kill me when he finds out?
Chew on these fine questions, dear internet, while you enjoy the cheese I present to you.
Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the the zoo keeper finds two finches that have dropped dead from old age. He picks them up and places them in a sack. After cleaning the cage he puts the sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on to the next cage.
When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps who have also died of natural causes. “Waste not, want not” he says as he puts them in the sack with the finches.
Later at feeding time, he flips the dead animals in the sack, into the lions’ cage.
“Bloody hell” roars the lion…”Not finch and chimps again!”
April 15th, 2007 at 9:56 am
I was all worried your zoo had an epidemic for a moment.
April 15th, 2007 at 10:31 am
I like this one; my husband, not so much.
Hah! I rode on an amusement park ride with Ben when I was 14 weeks’ pregnant with Jack. Understand that I am a lifelong amusement park aficionado.
I very nearly threw up all over Ben.
April 15th, 2007 at 11:41 am
Tee hee!! Did they come wrapped in newspaper?
I think you and the dog are keeping each other warm. You know there are pros and cons to everything in life.
April 15th, 2007 at 12:08 pm
Oh geez! Hehe, my 10 and 7 year old loved it, but Big Ug looked at me funny when I read it to him.
I’m super lucky, Big Ug digs tattoos having several himself, and we are lucky enough to have a tattooist who was a close friend before he ever inked us. He’d freak though if I ever came home with a few new body holes, I had a few previous and they just got in the way. Boo’s lucky he’s not married to me, I’d drive him batty with my affection for ramming colorful needles into my body.
Could be worse, ya could want sleeves… right Boo?
April 15th, 2007 at 1:12 pm
mmmmm. tattoos. irreplaceably hot, Red.
April 15th, 2007 at 1:23 pm
I’ve not yet worked up the nerve to get a tattoo. I know what I want and where I want it, I am just a big fraidy cat. I thought I would get over this when I was 40.
April 15th, 2007 at 1:26 pm
just found your blog, love it, and especially the fact your Canadian!
April 15th, 2007 at 2:16 pm
Would you believe I really enjoyed this one?!
A new tattoo - woo hooooo!
April 15th, 2007 at 3:48 pm
Damn, woman, are you getting tattooed again? May I suggest a picture of your dog’s anus? So when you finally smarten up and move his ass away from your face you’ll always have something to remember why.
April 15th, 2007 at 4:50 pm
Wait, I’m confused again! What happened with the grey-haired public servant whose “butt you kicked” and what happened on “girls’ night out?” Your blog is like reading a facinating novel but I think I missed a chapter! (Loved the “cheese!”)
April 15th, 2007 at 5:31 pm
What is your new tattoo going to be?
April 15th, 2007 at 6:19 pm
HA! This one was funny in a hateful sort of way. LOL!
Did you get that tattoo? OMG…you’re a brave soul. I wish I could get one, but I’m such a chicken shit. I wanna see it when you get it done though. Upclose and personal.
April 15th, 2007 at 6:51 pm
OOOOhhhh. a joke I can massacre for my husband. I am the joke killer extraordinaire.
One of my sad losses in having children is that now I get vertigo and nausea on a swing instead of the free bird feeling I want to get.
Will you pleas come to T.O. and get me all liquored up and drag me to a tattoo parlour. I won’t do it alone….but if I were coerced…..that’s a diffrent story.
what are you going to get?
April 15th, 2007 at 7:03 pm
Did you go to FX? The pun, baaaaadddd. But they’re supposed to be aren’t they?
April 15th, 2007 at 7:12 pm
Don’t know for sure, but your dog PROBABLY sleeps with his head towards the door. Frequently, that puts the animal’s ass in our face. However, they are guarding us as we sleep, even if they are snoring too. They will awaken a lot faster, and be much more alert and aware than us if someone unknown comes through that door and they’ll be headed in the right direction to attack. If his ass is pointing at the door, I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe you have bad breath??
April 15th, 2007 at 7:49 pm
I love tattoos, my husband hates them. I have two
April 15th, 2007 at 7:52 pm
Re: tattoos. What are you getting this time around? I’ve got the itch too.
Dog farts are the WORST. Seriously. How ’bout he stops sleeping in your bed?
April 15th, 2007 at 8:01 pm
I want to hear about all your tattoos. How many? What are they? Where are they? Boo have any? What about the kids? You have them labeled for resale?
April 15th, 2007 at 8:08 pm
Hey! I tuned in for gratuitous sexy talk; not dog farts in the face and cute little carnivore jokes. Get with the program, lady.
How ’bout letting your fans design your next tat???
April 16th, 2007 at 8:26 am
Ink pix, please. Your fans await.
And which is worse: Nixon The World’s Greatest Dog falling asleep with his ass under your nose or falling asleep with his nose in your ass? I guess it depends on who has the rawhide treats, huh?
Thanks for the jokes–they make my week.
April 16th, 2007 at 8:53 pm
Tattoos and gassy dogs, two of my favorite things!
Seriously, I have a Great Dane who also regularly sleeps with his ass in my face, WHY do they do that???
I’m going to dig through your posts, but I’d love to see some pics of the puppers if there aren’t any!
April 19th, 2007 at 8:35 am
Another tatty?? We shoulda went together.