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My Husband Is Willing to Sell My Soul
I’m not a spring lover. Of all the seasons, spring is my least favorite. In my neck of the woods, it is an ugly time of the year. The trees are still dormant, resembling twigs, the grass is brown, the roads are muddy and you never know if it is going to rain or snow. (My sympathies to those who are experiencing Mother Nature’s wrath out east.)
There is one part of spring, however, that I enjoy. Soccer. Yes. I am indeed a soccer mom. Minus the minivan. I love getting out there with my latte in one hand and camera in the other and watching my children race all over the field trying to maim avoid the opponents who stand between them and the goal. And yes, you haven’t really lived until you stand nose to nose with a power hungry 16 year old referee (who keeps looking at your tits and blows the call), yelling about his lame ass skills as a referee until he takes one last glance at your chest and ejects you from the game.
And you have to do the walk of shame. In front of thirty or more moms and dads. Who are either rolling their eyes at you or cheering you on. As the 16 year old ref checks out your ass as you slink away, with a smirk on his face. Not that I’d have any experience in that area or anything. Not me. Snicker.
I’m fairly competitive. Strike that. I’m insanely competitive. And so is my darling husband. We have likely passed that trait on to our offspring, but I don’t feel bad about it. Sure we are the annoying people who yell at televised sports, as if the people in the little box can actually hear us, but dammit we are having fun.
I have managed to curb my competitive streak to sports. I learned a long time ago that it does NOT pay to be a competimommy, always comparing your child with another. Having a handicapped kid will beat that right out of you. So will having 11 nieces and nephew all the same age as your children.
I, in fact, find it hard to get riled up and feel competitive about anything other than sports. Oh, you make more money than God? Good for you. You’re being nominated for a Pulitzer award? Kudos to you. You are going away on your third tropical vacation this year without your children…all expenses paid by your company? Fabulous. You just bought a pair of skinny jeans in size 0 and you have no muffin top? Well, fuck you. (Okay, maybe that last one gets me a little teeny-weeny bit jealous.)
Blog stats and awards are another thing that don’t turn my crank. Sure, I love my comments, and every time I check my email I am hoping for an inbox that actually contains something other than the latest ploy to increase my penis size, but my day isn’t wrecked if nobody comments. Or if my site meter remains remarkably unused.
I realized many moons ago that I am blogging for my own mental health, not to rule the world. (No matter what I write on the About Me page.) I am thrilled when I get positive feedback, or a private email, especially if someone tells me that I made their day, or they just lost a child and wondered if they were going to lose their minds too. Those emails, and comments are the ones that help me get through the moments that creep upon me every day when I realize my son is gone. Permanently. And there is no amount of wishing that will bring him back. Those emails and comments help dull that throbbing pain that threaten to topple me over every damn day.
The google perverts help too. At least I know that my words aren’t fruitless. There are thousands of hairy-palmed men looking lick their own ears, while reading about mom boobs and fantasizing about having redneck sex, or ripping out some man’s liver while using redneck lingo, who find me and my words and the relief I offer. In ways I’d rather not imagine.
My husband however, is not as passive about my blog. He has taken a keen interest in it, following my site meter and comment count more closely than the growth and development of his own children. This of course, surprises me to no end because I really didn’t think the man could read. Who knew?
So when he found out I was nominated for not one, but two useless blog awards, he was over the moon. Apparently, all my hard work and creative juices have paid off for him. I have been validated in his eyes. Suddenly, it is no longer a sore spot if I spend my days blogging. Because somebody out there thinks I deserved a nod. (Other than him.)
But now he has developed a new obsession. Instead of monitoring my site meter he is stalking the blog awards page, keeping tabs on if I am moving up or down in the ranks. And he is taking it personally that I am not winning. He just doesn’t understand that I don’t have a shot in hell against the Dooces of the world.
I’ve tried explaining that my readership is significantly lower than those Queens of the blogging world, but he won’t hear anything of it. (Got to love a man blinded by love.)
So he asked if he could post on my blog. Again. To which I responded with a big fat NO! Get your own damn blog. But in the interest of marital harmony, I did promise to pass along his words.
After checking out the contenders in the Hottest Mommy contest (queue eye rolling now), he has decided that the front runners have nothing on me. (He really doesn’t give two shits about my nomination for Best Parenting Blog. He’s not blind to the fact that I regularly let my children play unattended in the streets while forgetting to feed them.)
But Hottest Mommy Blogger feeds his ego. It reinforces the fact that he believes he made a good marital choice when he bent his knee and tethered his manparts to one woman for eternity. He could care less if I won a serious writing award or was offered a lucrative book deal (which I’m completely open to, hint, hint.) Just as long as the world thinks I’m hot.
I love the fact that he is so deep. Makes life so entertaining.
So he is taking it personally that the world hasn’t fallen into line with his reasoning and voted me Hottest Mommy Blogger. (I can’t stop rolling my eyes when I type that! Sheesh!) He would like to offer a challenge to all you google pervs, and men who unwittingly stumble upon my site, looking for um, parenting tips.
He has a bribe for you all. And because I am so confident in the ridiculous nature of said bribe, and because I know there are just NO way my numbers stack up against my contenders, I feel assured in passing along his challenge.
Because this, my dear friends, is a sure thing for me. There just aren’t enough google pervs out there to make my husband’s fantasy of having his wife win some meaningless blog award where I am crowned the Hottest Mommy Blogger (again with the eye rolling) come true.
But because I love him, and because I like to be proved right, and because this has now turned into a competition between the two of us, I will post his challenge.
My darling Boo, would like all of you to know that IF I win the Hottest Mommy Blogger bling, he will personally post the naked pictures I took for him a few months ago, so that the world can see just how “hot” I really am. Snicker.
And because I am so sure, SO ABSOLUTELY CONFIDENT that my husband, as sweet as he may be, is completely delusional, I have agreed to hand over the blog keys to make his dream come true.
Now, help a sister out and prove him wrong. Because I really don’t want to see my naked white ass posted all over the net. For my brother and brother-in-law to see. Oh GAWD. And my Piano Man. He’ll never cook for me again if he sees what’s actually underneath my clothing.
Seriously.
I’m not sweating too terribly though. After all, there aren’t too many people out there who want to see this aging, dimpled ass naked on the net.
Right?
April 16th, 2007 at 8:26 am
T, you are just too damned funny for words. Hottest blogging mama indeed. You are the sweetest, funniest, nicest, most articulate redneck mama I know, for which I’m truly thankful. Plus, you post the cheesiest puns on record.
Keep it up. Who cares if you win any blogging awards (except Boo, of course). We will love you just the same.
April 16th, 2007 at 8:27 am
((can’t talk, busy voting))
April 16th, 2007 at 8:40 am
(Raising hand)
I’m all about aging, dimpled asses!!!
April 16th, 2007 at 8:43 am
going to vote….
April 16th, 2007 at 8:58 am
Woman, you are braver than I would ever hope to be, and I posted my true weight on my site last week. I’m actually nervous for you, even if I think your aging, dimpled ass would make a fine addition to your site.
Shaking my head in awe of your bravery. So what do you get if you’re right? Surely you could work something out in your favor, right?
April 16th, 2007 at 9:01 am
I cant remember if I voted for you in that catergory. However, I refuse to participate in this. We all know you and your husband are hot do you have to rub our noses in it.
*walks away jiggle all her jelly*
P.S. I would more than happy to give you a Greatest Writer in the World award. It would be something, even if was something I just made up.
April 16th, 2007 at 9:14 am
I love it. Size 0 skinny jeans well they can suck my ass LOL. Yay to us soccer Mom’s, I’m still one in training wish me some luck with them 16 yr olds.
April 16th, 2007 at 9:15 am
You are brave. The Internets can surprise you.
April 16th, 2007 at 9:59 am
Aging, my ass. You’re what 31? Shut up already! Thanks for the laugh this morning and the reminder of your son and what he means to you everyday. Take care.
April 16th, 2007 at 10:00 am
A soccer mom! Who knew?
You are a hot mommy blogger. We already know it.
That said, I’ll go vote.
April 16th, 2007 at 10:15 am
If you don’t win this one, I’m making up my own blog awards and fixin’ it so you CAN win…
April 16th, 2007 at 10:37 am
I’ll vote just to finally see pics of the tattoos and piercings you are so famous for
April 16th, 2007 at 10:49 am
Sorry I already voted for you because I couldn’t find Hot Asian Chick’s blog nomination.
You know what they say… couples who shower together stay together. I want to know if they say anything about couples who blog together.
April 16th, 2007 at 11:13 am
T.. yer nuts.. lmao. All the google pervs are gonna come up with fake names and addies to vote now. Reason number 351 NOT to let Big Ug anywhere near my blog..
I can’t believe you agreed to it. *chuckle*
April 16th, 2007 at 11:29 am
2 things:
1) You’re in trouble. I’m gonna get to votin’, cause I think Boo needs win.
2) “You just bought a pair of skinny jeans in size 0 and you have no muffin top?” What is a muffin top? I’m probably missing the OBVIOUS but….?
Thanks darlin’!!!
April 16th, 2007 at 11:53 am
Too funny. You are my hero.
April 16th, 2007 at 11:55 am
I guess I should apologize for already voting for you. Hope you don’t win
April 16th, 2007 at 12:44 pm
I am both terrible in sports and competitive. Not a great combo.
But to be good and competitive AND hot - well you’ve got it made!
April 16th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
I was already voting for you, but I’ll have to step it up now. I have reason to believe you are lying about your size As. Because I most undeniably DO have size As, and I’m darn sure they will never be the cause of any blown calls at my kid’s soccer game. I’m guessing you’re a closet B. Or a very self-deprecating C. Can’t wait to find out for sure
Thanks to Boo for the incentive.
April 16th, 2007 at 1:38 pm
Ooh! Sounds like a challenge! Fun!
I love that your husband is most interested in the “hottest” mommy blogger award, they really haven’t progressed much past neanderthals have they!?
April 16th, 2007 at 2:16 pm
This is hilarious. I am sure you are totally smoking. However, according to MY man, I am all that and more. I’m going to tell him about this post tonight and sure as the sun rises in the sky, he will perk up a bit and say “oh Ya, are you two like maybe going to show each other your boobs or something”. Cause thats how his mind works, he will tune out everything else when given a mental picture of a ‘nekkid’ woman.
why am I writing this? oh ya, cause I ramble and my mind goes to funny places.
gonna go vote now. too funny….
April 16th, 2007 at 2:55 pm
T, T, T. Are you nuts?! Of *course* people will be wanting to see you in all your birthday suit glory!!!!
If you are a bit of a babe, as we all suspect you are, then all the guys (and any bi/gay women as well) will be voting like crazy to see you in the buff. If you truly have a dimpled saggy bum, then all of the other mothers with a similar body part (cough) will receive comfort from feeling they are not alone. There’s potentially something there for everyone!
Maybe, when you win, you can find some small loophole in your verbal contract with Boo.( I’d be finding a good lawyer right about now!)
April 16th, 2007 at 3:12 pm
oh you are a brave, brave woman!!
to even take the pics in the first place, but then to *possibly* put them on the ‘net?
April 16th, 2007 at 3:58 pm
Wait a minute. If YOU win he gets to post pictures of YOU? How about if you win (which makes you the WINNER) he has to post nekkid picks of himself!
April 16th, 2007 at 4:12 pm
I’ve already voted for you in this category.
I guess I’d better go do it again. Many times.
April 16th, 2007 at 5:23 pm
OH I love your husband. NOt in that way don’t worry.. but the Pandora’s box has been openned, sis. All I offered in exchange for a vote was a tongue kiss.
sigh.
I think I love you. And I”m straight. So that’s hell.
April 16th, 2007 at 5:46 pm
Uh oh. The Google gods are going to punish you for that. I already voted for you, but now my husband (who is also taking an unusual amount of interest in the Hottest Mommy Blogger category) has decided that Lawyer Mama, with her 4 measly votes has no chance in hell of being crowned, so why not try to get naked pics of Redneck Mommy on the internet? And he knows a lot of computer geeks. A lot.
April 16th, 2007 at 6:24 pm
OMG. Do these people not realize how visually disturbing all this is going to be??? Do they not realize that their corneas will be burnt beyond repair?
Wait. We’re talking about your ass now aren’t we? Ha, well shiit. Better you than me. TTFN.
April 16th, 2007 at 7:13 pm
Aging dimpled asses get me all squirmy. Where do I vote?!?!
April 16th, 2007 at 8:16 pm
Oh, I love that your husband CARES about your blog! My husband is dazed and confused by the world of blogging mommies. He tries to be discreet in his snickering, but I hear him. He really he doesn’t get why anyone would possibly care about my son peeing all over the front yard in front of the new neighbors, for instance. Anyway, I too was nominated for hottest mommy blogger, so you’re going head to head with me and my 4 or so votes, and my big fat postpartum body… I KNOW you’re feeling threatened right now…
April 16th, 2007 at 8:23 pm
am off to support the brother by voting for his hot mamma.
April 16th, 2007 at 9:27 pm
so by supporting you, am I a dirty old blogger or a bud trying to help someone out…
April 17th, 2007 at 1:00 am
I have been a long time reader , but never commented. You are an amazing writer . You either make me laugh or cry. I have voted for you. Blogs of whiny woman like dooce are horrible , I don’t get the hype about it. You deserve to win.
April 17th, 2007 at 3:39 am
Well, T (aka Insane Soccer Parent)…. I already voted for you, which means that I didn’t do it just to get a look at your naked ass…. but if you win, well, I’m still going to check out the pictures.
I’m a man… what’d you expect?
GF (have I ever mentioned that I coach youth soccer?)
April 17th, 2007 at 5:37 am
Oh MY GOD.
You like to play the risks, don’t ya?
April 17th, 2007 at 9:02 am
I’d love to see your dimpled naked ass. Not so sure I want to see it on the net. That would make me a google perv wouldn’t it? I kinda like to keep my goole pervie-ness to myself and the k-y.
April 17th, 2007 at 9:23 am
I will vote only to help prove Boo right. It has nothing to do with me being a perv and wanting to see your “aging, dimpled ass”.
Nothing.
Well, maybe a little.
April 17th, 2007 at 2:06 pm
darling. i voted for you, but of course.
but my man has yours beat. he was the one who actually NOMINATED me for hottest mommy blogger. which was slightly embarrassing, except that i was excited. and then i voted for myself.
sad, i know.
but i got him to vote for you too.
April 18th, 2007 at 9:33 am
I have just voted for you, and I think it is very sweet that your man takes such interest. And yes to the ass shots!
April 20th, 2007 at 4:40 pm
I love you! But not in a way that would make me want to see nekkid pictures of you on the net or anywhere else. You make me laugh. This isn’t always a good thing since my kids then want to know what I’m laughing about.
What a conundrum that would have been if I had known you were nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger before I voted in that category. (Okay! So I have ADD and cannot bring myself to look at all the entries before voting!) On the one hand, I think you *might* deserve this award more than the other blog in my top 5 which I voted for. On the other hand, I really don’t care to come here for a much needed coffee break and find you sprawled naked on the web, and think, “Shit! I contributed to that!”
So, if your hubby loses this little bet, do we get to see nekkid pictures of him? ‘Cause I’d sure rather see that!
April 20th, 2007 at 4:53 pm
Just because there’s a chance… I’ll vote. For you. You’re hot. Boo made a wise choice indeed.
Don’t tell LA Mommy I voted for you, though. She’ll hit me. Hard.
April 24th, 2007 at 9:29 am
[…] Mommy, which was the next blog I looked at. I liked their design idea and stumbled over a word in a posting: Dooces. What’s that? LEO couldn’t help, and the blog itself didn’t reveal the […]