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Bees
As a parent, it is my responsibility to prepare my children for the world; to mold them into responsible adults. My husband and I do our very best to instill in them honor, values, dignity and a sense of pride for hard work accomplished. It sometimes feels like we are fighting a losing battle.
I’ve had more fun squeezing out nine pound babies with out any drugs than trying to get my darling children to make their damn beds on a daily basis.
Part of our process into whipping them into mature adults means doling out more responsibilities as they grow older. Fric and Frac now have a list of weekly chores they must finish, as well as their daily chores of making their beds, shoving their dirty laundry in their closets and half-assing their way through the nightly dishes.
Recently, amidst a chorus of complaints that the lunch I pack for them everyday is “too boring” (pack of ingrates…) I relinquished control of this simple chore as well. Now I simply supervise what ever it is they stuff into their lunches, while trying to encourage them to make healthy choices. (Read: Put that damn can of soda back, you aren’t taking it for lunch. No, you can’t swap a sandwich for a handful of potato chips. I said a piece of fruit, not a piece of pie.)
Yes, mornings are a fun time around here.
This morning I woke up particularly grumpy after tossing and turning all damn night on my lumpy mattress only to wake to discover that I am now suffering the plague. Don’t you just love waking up and feeling like a truck has run you down, while your nose won’t stop running and you sound like you have been smoking three packs a day for twenty years? Sexy.
My kids, however, were oblivious to the danger signs blinking over my head. (They get that from their father.) As they argued over who was going to have the last chocolate chip cookie I sat at the table wishing for death to take me.
Suddenly, Frac looks over and realizes I feel like crap. He walks over and says “I’ve got a joke for you, Mom. It’ll make you feel better.”
Eyeing him warily, I tell him to proceed. The danger sign over my head is blindingly bright, serving as a homing beacon for UFO’s at this point. “Want to see something funny?” he asks?
“Sure,” I say. What the hell. Maybe it will cheer me up.
“Go look in a mirror then,” he beaks and then runs for safety.
What the little bugger didn’t count on was the fact that I may be sick, but I am in fact, still quick. Like lightening. I did what any good mother would do.
I reached into his lunch kit and ate the coveted prize: The last chocolate chip cookie.
While I proceeded to munch on his cookie and explain in great detail just how tasty it was, I spelled out why you should never mess with a woman PMS’ing who didn’t sleep well and woke up with the plague. Somethings just aren’t worth it.
But I did thank him for the opportunity to teach him an important and useful life lesson.
You poke a bee’s nest, be prepared to be stung.
(I know, I ought to be ashamed. Somehow, sadly, I’m not. I like to think I taught him a valuable lesson. Or two. First off, never announce when you have the coveted last cookie. Secondly, never underestimate the lightening quick reactions of those who look funny. Or a cranky, sick mother. The adoption case worker would be so proud. They’ll read this and beat a path to my door with small children needing homes. Right??)
May 3rd, 2007 at 8:25 am
I think that was a perfectly appropriate punishment. Better to eat the last cookie than break out the switch or the dreaded wooden spoon, right?
May 3rd, 2007 at 8:35 am
I have a hard time getting my kids around in the morning too, so I say, Hoorah! Strike a blow for downtrodden, unappreciated parents everywhere. You’ve just taught your child that if you step in a pile of dog dukey, you’re going to go around smelling like shit all day.
May 3rd, 2007 at 8:48 am
I think you handled it perfectly. I would have resorted to violence in that state if it were me. Now he’ll have to “think about what he did” all day and that’s the best punishment of all.
May 3rd, 2007 at 9:19 am
Hilarious.
“I said a piece of fruit, not a piece a pie” might be the best sentence I have ever read.
There’s something about the word “pie” which is intrinsically funny.
May 3rd, 2007 at 9:29 am
Bwahahahahhaha! Perfect!!
Hope you’re feeling better real soon!
May 3rd, 2007 at 9:29 am
And prepare to be stung hard when the bee your poking is the queen.
You should’ve made him sit at the table and watch you eat the cookie.
May 3rd, 2007 at 9:50 am
Seriously, I laughed aloud. Reclaiming (because lets face, it you probably were the one to buy the dang thing in the first place) the last cookie was SUCH a great retort. I might not have been that quick in mind or body.
May 3rd, 2007 at 9:52 am
Bravo eating it yourself. You’re thinking you should be ashamed? Pshaw, woman. If you’d taken Frac’s cookie and made him watch while Fric ate it, that would be a bit much. As it is, you deserve a mommy medal for not completely losing your cool.
May 3rd, 2007 at 10:06 am
I would have eaten the cookie anyway. At least you waited until he gave you a good reason. In my house everyone knows that when it comes to chocolate, mommy always gets the last bite.
May 3rd, 2007 at 10:08 am
Awesome save of a crappy morning.
I find mornings aversive too. Why:
a. do the kids get dressed for school in a different room each day?
b. do the kids leave their pjs exactly where they took them off, with the shape of their bodies still retained in the cloth?
c. do the kids never put the cap back on the toothpaste, and in forgetting to do so turn the toothpaste all dry and crusty?
d. does the older kid put his nightly retainer in its container without rinsing the retainer off, or better yet squirting some antibacterial soap on it, making it the smelliest, most disgusting thing in our house?
Phew. Thank you. I feel better now.
May 3rd, 2007 at 11:19 am
LOL Just awesome. All bets are off when chocolate’s involved. ;^)
May 3rd, 2007 at 12:52 pm
I hope you feel better.
I would think that the social worker MIGHT understand that you’re MERELY preparing him for life. Cause face it - once he gets married - if he’s stupid enough to pull that with his very own wife, then let’s face it - the last cookie AIN’T the only thing he’s not getting for a little while. It rhymes with cookie…Ya dig?
May 3rd, 2007 at 1:32 pm
I’m going to remember that one! Of course, the last time someone messed with mom in our house, they got an embarrassing picture put on my blog. So there!
Our kids sound like one and the same with the “chores”. I can’t even get them to brush their teeth properly and I refuse to do it for an 8 and 10 year old. *SIGH*
May 3rd, 2007 at 2:19 pm
I would have done the same thing. Great minds think alike. It is called tough Bitch love. It is mean, it hurts and you never know when it will floor your ass.
May 3rd, 2007 at 2:38 pm
Teachin’ lessons, I call it!
Of course, LA Toddler realizes that two can play at that game… she always takes my last beer from the fridge. Heartless little girl.
May 3rd, 2007 at 3:44 pm
Nice,I love it! Dr. Spock & Dr. Phil have got nothing on you
Hope that plague goes away quickly!
May 3rd, 2007 at 4:44 pm
That was funny! I totally visualized the whole thing! Hope you feel better soon.
May 3rd, 2007 at 4:58 pm
I just had to explain to my husband why I was laughing out loud at my computer. He already thinks I’m nuts and your not helping it any!
PMS’ing? I’d have stolen the last cookie, especially chocolate chip cookie long before the two had even woke up to fight over it. Your self discipline beats mine any day.
May 3rd, 2007 at 6:45 pm
note to adoption lady: bring extra cookies.
you are wily, dude.
May 3rd, 2007 at 8:08 pm
There’s nothing like stunning them with a Mommy surprise! When I was AROUND 4 I was in the yard and my mom told me to come inside. I said “no” and started running away. I looked back and saw her running after me. I was so stunned that MOMMIES COULD RUN that I stopped in shock (and got the smack on my behind that I so richly deserved!)
May 3rd, 2007 at 10:54 pm
I think that is hysterical. Mind if I use that when I have kids?
May 4th, 2007 at 4:41 am
My children aren’t tall enough to reach the cookies, though they do a mean
“block mom from the coffee by dancing ‘tween her feet” dance.
Feel better!
May 4th, 2007 at 5:15 am
You’re doing him a favour!
May 4th, 2007 at 5:19 am
You rock. But you’re tough. I have never made my bed in my life. Is that really something that adults are supposed to do? I thought it just happened on tv.
May 4th, 2007 at 6:30 am
Love it … love it and I dohink you should be ashamed at all! haha Have a good weekend!
May 4th, 2007 at 8:25 am
Ya know hon, I was thinking I would eat the cookie as soon as you said they started bickering. So you showed remarkable patience waiting until you were provoked. The adoption workers should take your patience into consideration. Plus the fact that you didn’t let your kids eat suger…another good thing in some adult eyes.
May 4th, 2007 at 11:14 am
you know. i just wrote about how we all edit ourselves for mass consumption, but lady you just seem to have a way of telling a yarn that takes us all there with you. best part is when you eat the cookie. BEST part.
May 4th, 2007 at 12:00 pm
We must be cousins or sisters or something.
Every single damn time my kids fight or bicker over the last cookie, I always grab it and eat it while walking away without uttering one word. That always stops them in their tracks.
Actually, come to think of it - they haven’t fought over the last cookie in a long time now.
Hmmmm. It must have worked RM!
May 4th, 2007 at 2:00 pm
T, I love it!! Breakfast-time is always sooooo much cheerier when you have just posted. But if I choke on my cereal and die, it’s YOUR fault, OK?!
May 4th, 2007 at 3:23 pm
Woman, you are hardcore. I bow to your mothering skills.
Feel better soon. The plague sucks donkey balls.
May 4th, 2007 at 4:53 pm
Cookies are bad for kids anyways.
Get better!
May 5th, 2007 at 8:30 pm
Hee hee. You rock.
I’ll have to remember the cookie snatching when my oldest gets to that age.
May 6th, 2007 at 7:29 am
Holy shit, T!
You really make me laugh outloud!
Eating the cookie is EXACTLY what I would have done.