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Hallmark Pain
With the excitement of Boo and my ten year anniversary barreling down upon us this week (hold all applause, I will be posting about that on THURSDAY), I have managed to overlook and forget about the upcoming Mother’s day celebration that is creeping upon us.
I’m not a fan of Mother’s day. Sure, I understand, even like the concept of mother’s day, but for those of us without mothers, or suffering with mommy issues, the day can just be a painful reminder of what is missing in our own lives.
Mother’s aren’t supposed to lose their children. We are supposed to gestate them, birth them, love them, develop them, annoy them and then one day shove them out the door and hope all the love and strength and morality we have showered on them in their lives proves useful in turning out productive, happy, well-adjusted members of society.
Not once while I was dreaming of what it would be like to be parent did I think to imagine what it would be like to see the inside of the coroner’s office, see the damage an autopsy can do to a child’s virgin skin, choose my child’s coffin. My vision of parenthood never encompassed the idea of a smallish wooden box being lowered on a cloudy cool day while loved ones wept quietly and tossed dirt into a gaping black hole.
Life often doesn’t turn out the way we envision it.
(Understatement of the day.)
Ahem. Moving right along.
Yes, I’ve had a tough time with Mother’s day. But with the adoption looming over our heads, I have had to sit back and analyse my role as a mother. Here on my blog, I like to poke at my children, jest about their foibles, examine their moments of idiocy, but I seldom write about the good deeds they perform, or brag about their accomplishments. And they have many. (After all, they take after their mother.)
It is easier to write publicly about when Fric annoyed Frac than it is to share the story of the two of them quietly bonding. This weekend, when Fric sliced open her hand in a dumbass moment (slicing an apple while watching a cartoon on the couch and playing with the dog) Frac wrung his little hands in compassionate worry for his sister. While she was being patched together…six stitches and several cuss words later…Frac called often just to check in on his sibling and to offer his support, unable to relax until he heard her tell him to quit pestering her, she would be alright.
There’s nothing funny about that, yet the poignancy of the act left tears in my eyes, and made me ache for their brother and the loss they suffered even more.
My children are happy. They are well-adjusted. They have such a wide streak of responsibility instilled in them that even at their young ages of ten and nine they are already getting calls from other families to watch small children. (Don’t worry, I haven’t let them answer those calls just yet.) Fric and Frac are smart and wily. They are compassionate and humorous. Simply put, I couldn’t be prouder of those two peas in a pod, and I bust with maternal pride more often than I cower with parental shame.
It is just not as easy, nor near as funny to blather on my blog about how super and special and smart and talented my children are. But you can bet your asses they are. And yes, I even believe they are better than your children. (How’s them for fighting words?)
I haven’t always been the best mother. I have yelled when I shouldn’t have, ignored when listening would have been wiser, blogged when I should have been cheating on them with Monopoly. But I have always been a good mother. No, a great mother.
But nobody likes a braggart. Talk about boring. It’s more fun (and honest) to point out my inadequacies as a parent. I don’t always feed them a well-balanced diet, I swear like a sailor in desperate need of the services of a whore house, I walk around naked, scarring their formative minds permanently, drink beer while screaming at a hockey game on the telly and I have corrupted their delicate minds with my twisted sense of humor. Oh, and I couldn’t bake a cookie to save my life.
But despite all of my flaws, I always get down on my knee to offer hugs and kisses. I tell them a hundred times a day that I love them, and I stop and listen when they tell me their secrets, their hopes and their fears and make sure they know they were heard.
Mother’s day isn’t just about pancakes and brunches. It’s about all who I have become, what I have suffered, who I have loved. It can no longer be about my own mother, although I will take a moment to reflect on her and how much I love her, despite all the pain and miscommunications of the past. This mother’s day will be about me and how I managed to salvage what was left of my family after tragedy struck us down and took one away.
I am a good momma bear. I just need to remember that this coming Mother’s day, when the funny has left my funny bone and the pain looms around my heart. All I need to do is look at the blinding smiles of Fric and Frac, and remember my sweet boy with angel wings, and know it to be true.
This Mother’s day, I will be thinking of all of you who don’t have mothers, whether through death or circumstances, who will be just a tad lost like myself. I will celebrate motherhood in all of it’s glory and pain and gory misery. As a woman and a mother I understand now, just how hard this job can really be. And let’s face it, not everyone can be as wonderful at this mothering gig as me.
Wink, wink.
While I may not be with my mother, I won’t be alone. I will be with my family, my children. I will have my lovely mother-in-law to torment as only I can. And this time, when the kids and I make our pilgrimage to the cemetery, I’m going to tell Bug I love him and miss him and yes, I DID do everything within my power as his mother to love him and heal him.
And then I’m going to chase my living children around the tomb stones. Let’s see who really can run the fastest.
I can hear Bug laughing already.
May 7th, 2007 at 9:31 am
In a frenzy this weekend I caught up on all your past posts… I was planning to comment today to say “thanks” for several hours of laughter and tears. Then I checked in today and the tears started all over again. This is a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing it with all of us.
May 7th, 2007 at 9:51 am
Here they come again…
Those tears, I mean. I’m sure Bug could and still can feel your love and care and everything you did for him. Here’s hoping your Mother’s Day is tinged more with joy than sorrow. Here’s hoping tag around the gray granite stones makes you all giggle, grateful for the immense love you still have as a family.
May 7th, 2007 at 10:06 am
You’re amazing lady.
I will be thinking about you on Mothers Day. And Bug.
May 7th, 2007 at 10:20 am
Sorry, T - should have filed this one under Tear Jerker.
Hope this Sunday is a beautiful, sunny, happy day because that’s what you deserve. Hallmark be damned.
May 7th, 2007 at 10:22 am
Oh. You moved me yet again. You’re a lovely woman.
And a “good momma bear.”
In fact, one of the best, I think.
May 7th, 2007 at 10:30 am
Redneck Mommy - You amaze me. You make me cry, you make me laugh, and you’re a damn good mommy despite everything that’s happened to your family. You’re my hero.
May 7th, 2007 at 10:49 am
Damn, I didnt want to tear up today. I feel all the more guilty for wanting to be alone this Mother’s Day. Maybe I have changed my mind. I will have to think on it.
Once again, I am left speechless, but not thoughtless. You have given me lots to ponder.
May 7th, 2007 at 11:12 am
Wonderful, thought-provoking post.
May 7th, 2007 at 11:27 am
Can a post make a woman fall in love with another woman she has never met?
Because right now, I am shutting down my computer as I want that post, those sentiments and words in my head for the rest of my afternoon.
You are beautiful. And I already knew that you were an awesome mum, (maybe nearly as awesome as me). Maybe.
I think quite a few people will cast their minds over your way on Mother’s Day, thinking of Bug. I will at least. XO.
May 7th, 2007 at 11:35 am
You’re just so damned awesome — as a mother, and as a writer. What a great post. Thanks for sharing this.
May 7th, 2007 at 11:38 am
Beautiful.
May 7th, 2007 at 11:48 am
What an emotional post! You sound like a wonderful mama and I can see how Mother’s Day would be so difficult.
May 7th, 2007 at 11:52 am
Since I’ve been running around the mommyblogs, I’ve read posts by a lot of strong, beautiful women. I’ve read nothing better than this. Thanks for sharing it.
If you ever feel you need a virtual hug from an adopted mother, let me know. I’ve got one for you.
May 7th, 2007 at 12:02 pm
I’m a birthmom and mother’s day is BRUTAL. But, no one seems to fully grasp why.
May 7th, 2007 at 12:33 pm
I’ll be thinking of you this Mother’s Day.
May 7th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
Lady. You make me crack my ass up, but you also make me look at things–especially myself–slightly differently. Thank you for helping me plan my own day on Sunday, for gently pushing me to think about who I have become. Who this mommy-me truly is, and wants to be.
I’ll be thinking of you.
May 7th, 2007 at 1:00 pm
Every day I stop by to see what you are up too, how you are doing, what’s new with the kids and your Boo. Just some stranger to you and I never say a word. I just don’t seem to have the right ones to say. I’m sorry sounds is so inadequate, you fucking rock seems to be taken, so I read along in silence. But I am out here cheering you on, raising a beer in your honor and sometimes wiping away a tear.
May 7th, 2007 at 1:26 pm
Love this post.
May 7th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
Thank you for the beautiful post…. and for the afternoon bawl at my desk. Mothers day will be difficult for me too… in some aspects like yours but in others not nearly. I’ve been dreading writing the mothers day post… but this one will help me to do it.
May 7th, 2007 at 2:57 pm
Beautiful, beautiful post.
May 7th, 2007 at 4:02 pm
Let me get this straight-
You walk around naked in front of your children?
Oh the therapy those poor innocent children must need. But you’re a good momma and that makes up for any embarrassment your pierced nipples have provided their poor souls.
May 7th, 2007 at 4:31 pm
Aw, RM, that was a lovely, heartfelt post. You made me tear up. (I’m about to read the link ‘mommy issues’ — I have a horrible mother…..).
I seem to glaze over when Mother’s Day comes round….my kids always seem to remember the day and lift me up with their thoughtfulness. Somehow the hole my own mother left always seemed to weigh me down on that day. Thanks for the reminder that it’s no longer about me and her — but me and my own children now. I’m going to remember this come Mother’s Day.
Thank you and bless you! xo
May 7th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
RM, big deal if you walk naked around your children from time to time. We do too - and it’s just not a big deal. I bet if anyone asked our kids about it - they’d blink and say, ‘Huh? What are you talking about?’
I don’t think they even notice.
I’ve never wanted to condition them to think that seeing a member of our immediate family naked is wrong or shameful. It’s just not.
This isn’t to say I’d answer the door naked.
I might frighten the shit out of the mailman with my stretch marks and saggy tits.
Thankfully, I have no nipple piercings like (esp after you comments on my blog yesterday - yikes woman!) you;).
May 7th, 2007 at 5:48 pm
T-
I never read the post about the relationship you have with your mom. I’m floored. You’ve been able to rise up out of that, despite the pain and the scars and make yourself the mother you want to be. It always amazes me how we adapt and change and forge ourselves in the furnaces of childhood.
Your children are doing the same. The love and empathy that they are able to feel and show one another may be partially an extention of their love of Bug and their experience of loss. They have a sensitivity that not everyone has at their ages.
Of course, let’s not forget superb genetics and your fabulous mothering.
Excellent post.
May 7th, 2007 at 6:09 pm
Should have titled it - if pregnant do not read … my hormones are raceing … wow what a great blog! I love it you are a wonderful mom, and you have the gift to share!
May 7th, 2007 at 6:37 pm
We always feel inadequate but deep down we know we are great moms despite our insecurities (okay, maybe just mine). I hope you know, your children are amazingly blessed to have you as their mother.
May 7th, 2007 at 6:51 pm
i knew you were sweet under all those tattoos. and yeh, definitely, one damn good mother…all on your own, in spite of the scars your own relationship with your mother has left. i love the fierceness and bravado you bring to your job, T, and the deep vein of sorrow and acceptance make them truly courageous, not just bluster.
you are worthy of Fric and Frac and Shalebug…nice work.
May 7th, 2007 at 7:33 pm
I love you, T. I just, do - as much as a hetero married mother of four who lives in a different country who you’ve never met can. I will be thinking of you and praying for you this Sunday.
May 7th, 2007 at 7:41 pm
I never had much of a relationship with my mom either. I don’t blame either of us. I just do my best to make sure that my kids have a good relationship with their mother.
Have a happy anniversary.
Try to have a nice Mother’s Day.
May 7th, 2007 at 9:05 pm
oh, honey. i like a braggart. rock it, friend. it’s well deserved.
May 7th, 2007 at 9:10 pm
You always amaze me with your honesty. You ROCK! Sista!
May 7th, 2007 at 9:58 pm
Thank you for sharing. I having been reading your amazing blog for very long and so I didn’t know about Bug. I’m very sorry. It’s my worst fear and I can’t believe you had to endure that.
Have the best Mother’s Day you possibly can.
May 7th, 2007 at 11:33 pm
T,
Making Mothers Day a celebration of YOU and all you have achieved and survived sounds perfect to me.
You are a living wonder, T, truly. Like all your other commenters, I admire you hugely.
XX
May 8th, 2007 at 5:33 am
Thank you for sharing this. You are right. Loss makes lots of beautiful things harder. Hoping for some sweet moments for you this Mother’s Day.
May 8th, 2007 at 6:47 am
You best bring lots of pictures of those amazing kids of yours when I see you in July. I need more visuals for when you write another post like this one this one that will also have me in tears.
Dammit.
This was beautiful, T.
May 8th, 2007 at 7:27 am
Wonderful Post! Thank you for sharing you, Fric, Frac, Boo and most of all, Bug with us. Bug knows you did all you could for him - and he will be giggling as he too plays tag with you and the family on his angel wings. You are the BEST momma bear around, hands down! (or would that be paws down?)
I lost my mom 6 years ago to leukemia, so Mothers Day isnt a huge deal any more to me - but I will think good thoughts of you and yours!!
May 8th, 2007 at 7:58 am
I found this post via Plain Jane Mom - You are an example. My heart is breaking for you but you really are inspiring in your outlook.
May 8th, 2007 at 8:08 am
Mother’s Day is tough for me. And I’m going to scream if I get one more “send your MOM some flowers!” email.
I’d send them if I could. Geeez.
Love to you babe.
May 8th, 2007 at 8:52 am
Its so true how loaded that day has become and how I thought this year would be different now that we have “it” all. Merci, you put it perfectly how bittersweet it is.
May 8th, 2007 at 9:24 am
I always envision Fric and Frac as being the best damn chillun on the Great Plains. This post was truly beautiful. I know that I miss my Mom most days and so I don’t need a special commercial day carved out for me to feel bad about her death.
May 8th, 2007 at 9:25 am
You need any extra virtual hug action on or around this Mother’s Day you know where I am. I’ve got slim shoulders, but they’re strong. And the extra bat wings under the arms make for extra warm hugs.
May 8th, 2007 at 9:46 am
Beautiful post, Happy Mother’s Day!!!
May 8th, 2007 at 4:54 pm
Tell me about it. I just declared last Sunday as MILFs’ Day when I realized I’d gotten one week ahead of myself.
May 8th, 2007 at 10:23 pm
Again, your honesty slays me to the core. I think your Mother’s Day sounds perfect, and brag about those kiddos all you want. You’ve earned it.
May 8th, 2007 at 11:16 pm
You make me laugh and get a little mushy.
(All this coming from a fellow person with mommy issues)
You are one unique mom!
May 9th, 2007 at 12:25 pm
What a beautiful post! This is not my favorite time of year, either.
May 9th, 2007 at 2:17 pm
You take a random set of words and turn them into poetry.
xx
May 10th, 2007 at 7:49 pm
Every time I visit, you just knock me over…your truth, your passion, and your amazing talent.
Thank you for all that you share!
May 12th, 2007 at 5:49 pm
You know and have endured every mother’s worst nightmare, which makes your words incredibly powerful. Thank you for giving all of us perspective and reinforcing what is truly important. Happy Mother’s Day!
May 13th, 2007 at 10:22 am
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