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Adoption Asshats Update
It’s no secret that the hubs and I are in the process of trying to adopt a special needs child. We have jumped through several hurdles, all of which have resembled hoops of fire. Inevitably, I singed my eyebrows. (A major reason why I refuse to light the barbeque, but I digress…)
We have explained our reasons, defended our beliefs, and ignored all the naysayers. We have wrestled our doubts, questioned ourselves and examined our very souls, searching for an answer.
We have comforted our children, held their hands, smoothed their qualms.
We are ready.
The adoption asshats people don’t agree.
Yesterday we had yet another meeting with our adoption case workers. We read through our formal assessments and giggled like the immature adults Boo and I are. When I read that he wrote “T is the joy of my life” I just about collapsed into fits of sniggering. When he read that I wrote “our main source of miscommunication is his tendency to believe I am a mind reader” he had to dig that burr out from between his ass cheeks. It was a quality marital bonding moment.
The assessment was glowing and it was truly a wonder to realize just how loved and appreciated we are by our family, our friends and our community. If you believed the hype these folks spewed to the adoption twits, you’d think we have secret super powers, ready to solve the world’s problems.
I felt warm and fuzzy. Without any alcoholic beverages.
The social worker assigned to our case wrote that she approved of Boo and my application to adopt and she felt that we would be “wonderful parents to a special needs child.” Sounds great, right?
Wrong.
Apparently, she believes my children aren’t so wonderful. She questions their dedication to the adoption and labelled one of them ambivalent. After spending a grand total of 21 minutes with the child. And not calling to speak to any adult that actually knew the kiddie, like say the teacher or the pediatrician. Instead, she recommended our application be put on hold until she felt that the children were more excited and ready to become adoptive siblings.
So instead of moving forward with the child matching as planned, we are stuck in limbo, waiting for the adoption asshats to do what they should have done in the first place and speak to the professionals involved with our chitlens. If that does not convince them my children are ready to adopt then they will have to be formally assessed by a head shrinker.
(I need to start being nice to them just in case. I wouldn’t want the shrink to find out I make them eat stale cheerios for supper and force them to drink out of the toilet bowl.)
I am frustrated and a tad annoyed. I knew in advance that they were questioning my children’s readiness for the adoption and to be honest, I appreciate the protectiveness they are showing my children. But they don’t know my kids and have shown no interest in actually having a valid conversation with either of them.
I was warned beforehand of the monumental mountain of bureacratic stupidity we would be facing. But I naively thought that somehow it wouldn’t apply to us. (Yah, I’m still trying to remove that KICK ME sign someone taped between my shoulder blades.)
I should have known the meeting was going to go badly when I first walked into the building and encountered a good friend who works in the social work industry. She took one look at me and rushed to my husband and told him to keep a muzzle on me. It was a comforting moment.
In the end, the twits walked away smarting from the verbal smack down I administered. My husband was unable to wrestle me down and muzzle me; subsequently when we left the building he looked down at me appreciatively and told me he was awed by how scary I can be while speaking so quietly. (It is a gift.)
So I will continue in this holding pattern, and try to be content knowing that we WERE approved, just put on hold.
While they try to figure out if my children are going to be standing over the new kid’s bed with a knife and an empty look in their eyes, in the middle of the night.
May 24th, 2007 at 8:42 am
That’s bullshit hon.
May 24th, 2007 at 8:44 am
The great thing about children is that for the most part, they easily adapt to changes. I doubt if we assessed our children before the birth of a child if an older sibling was ready, that they would be. It’s not like we can keep a baby in utero until that time. As a parent we ease, guide and help our children with a growing family. It doesn’t seem right for that the adoption would be held up on this account! Hopefully they will see their insanity for what it is.
May 24th, 2007 at 8:59 am
That’s …… insane. I’m seriously shocked by this. I hope this ends up being just a tiny little snag that is quickly smoothed over. I’ll be thinking of you guys.
May 24th, 2007 at 9:06 am
You guys are amazing to put yourselves under the microscope you have.
I admit I had to look up the meaning of ambivalent (insert red face here)
-uncertain or unable to decide about what course to follow.
Are your children not around the ages of 9-11?? What kind of answers would they expect?? What kid at that age would give the “perfect” answers.
Asshats seems very fitting of this wonderful group that has been put to judge you! Terrible.
May 24th, 2007 at 9:11 am
I would think a kid that’s not ambivalent about such a life change would be somewhat abnormal. No? I hope your holding pattern doesn’t last long.
May 24th, 2007 at 10:39 am
I guess it is nice that they are taking the kids feelings in to consideration but certainly you’d think they would have been more thorough about doing so the first time. 21 minutes hardly qualifies.
Best of luck and hope the wait isn’t too long !
May 24th, 2007 at 10:45 am
That completely sucks. And you know, I was thinking what Toyfoto said — every child who goes through the process of getting a new sibling expresses some ambivalence. Even Mimi, who was thrilled to death when I was pregnant, expressed reservations about sharing her parents and her space with a new baby in the house.
If you are decent parents — which of course you are, as evidenced by the glowing reviews — you will of course help your kids AND the new one with the adjustment. Of course!
(want me to talk to those asshats?)
Fingers crossed for you.
May 24th, 2007 at 10:56 am
Asshats. Does that mean they are going to come over and rip out your ovaries if your kids don’t do backflips if you were to become pregnant?
May 24th, 2007 at 11:02 am
So wait — if you were having a baby next month, your kids would be unambivalent?
Yeah, right. Snort. toyfoto’s spot on; ambivalence is natural. Even appropriate.
Sheesh.
May 24th, 2007 at 11:04 am
There is always something…my sister in law is adopting a special needs baby from China. They have waited for almost two years now, with all the bureaucratic red-tape and all….they leave in three weeks to China. They are so excited!!
It’s frustrating, but this is a good journey, for you AND your kids.
(handing you my best invisible red-tape cutting scissors)
May 24th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
So sorry T - I really am.
These people are dumber than a box of hammers. They have no clue that you are a super-mom! I will keep fingers crossed that the bureacratic asshats have a spark of common sense and rush your application thru.
May 24th, 2007 at 12:49 pm
Is that a ring in your nose…say it it so Joe…IS THAT A RING IN YOUR NOSE…
SAY IT AINT SO JOE!!!
King shocka Khan
May 24th, 2007 at 1:20 pm
Oh, they suck. I’m sorry.
May 24th, 2007 at 3:00 pm
Who ARE these people? Children are ambivalent about everything. Your kids are smart - they’ve had to face an enormous loss in their lives. Of course they’re going to be ambivalent about someone new - not only do they not know what this means for them, but they’re probably not sure about getting close to someone else who may leave them as well. That’s human nature.
The day your kids become robots is the day you’ll get the PROCEED stamped on your application by these morons. Do they actually even understand kids?? Hell on a stick, this made me mad. Morons.
May 24th, 2007 at 4:03 pm
I’ve heard so many frustrating stories from wonderful families who wanted to adopt and just got screwed by the people and the rules. Kids need good homes and it seems they do what they can to avoid putting them there! I know they have to be careful and I appreciate all that…but seriously, you have a great family. Can they not see what a good home looks like?!?!
May 24th, 2007 at 4:25 pm
don’t kids that age act ambivilent about EVERYTHING?
May 24th, 2007 at 6:33 pm
It’s only power hungry asshats who apply for jobs like that. Bureaucrats are indeed asshats. I’d react much the same at the stupidity of some asshat coming to a conclusion about my children based on a 21 minute visit. That would have me seeing red.
May 24th, 2007 at 6:36 pm
Ditto what everyone else said.
May 24th, 2007 at 6:52 pm
That sucks! I swear those types of people only wield their powers because they’re lacking in other areas. Like the in brains department.
May 24th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
What would happen if you got pregnant (hypothetical)? Would they not let you give birth until they felt your kids were ready?
May 24th, 2007 at 8:09 pm
That is crazy talk! Sorry this has been such a pain in the rear. i mean, really, ambivalent? After 21 minutes. Wow.
May 24th, 2007 at 9:05 pm
Hi! I just stopped by your blog for the first time (via Little Monkies & O The Joys…); great, hilarious writing. I’ll be back. I hope your adoption gets approved soon. What a crazy process.
May 24th, 2007 at 9:11 pm
You and I both know what a special needs child does to a family. When you had Bug there was no choice involved, he arrived and you all learned to make room for him and love him. But adoption is a choice, and you are specifically choosing to adopt a special needs child.
I look at my train wreck of a family and although I love my daughter more than anything, we have all paid the price for having her in our family. I don’t doubt your good intentions but you are asking your children to pay a price as well.
Sorry to be the dissenting voice, I don’t mean to sound so harsh.
May 25th, 2007 at 3:52 am
Maybe they were just testing you? (Maybe I’m giving them too much credit?)
If this is truly what you want, it’ll happen. Just not tomorrow.
May 25th, 2007 at 4:24 am
It’s my experience that young kids appear ambivalent about most things, especially when they talk to strangers. When they talk to people they know and trust, though, they open up considerably. I hope the subsequent interviews with teachers, pediatrician, or whomever your kids feel comfortable with show the truth and that you get back on the adoption track!
May 25th, 2007 at 4:55 am
I’m ambivalent about what to have for breakfast every day for fuck’s sake.
How many family assessments come complete with children smiling and welcoming an adult stranger into their rooms (w/o their parents present) to gush happily about all the merits of adoption (special needs or not) or any serious topic, really?
I’m with you about their protection of your kids but also about investing real time so that the kids feel comfortable with them. Hope it’s a short hold.
May 25th, 2007 at 5:25 am
My reaction was they’re expecting adult reactions from kids. I mean, my kid comes home from school and it goes like this (and he’s six, not a hulking teenager)
“How was school today honey?”
“Fine.”
“Did you have fun? What did you do?”
“Yeah. Recess. Can I go outside? Can I have a snack? I’m hungry.”
*Sigh*
That’s what he says to me and I’m his mommy. He’s reticent with strangers.
I hope the asshats pull their heads out of their asses. And in response to deb, I’d have to say that the adoption process takes long enough for anyone to change their mind. It’s not like you aren’t being give PLENTY of time to think about the consequences.
Good luck.
May 25th, 2007 at 6:11 am
just adding to the chorus…your kids are of the tweenish age. they’re ambivalent about breakfast half the time, i’d guess. and they’ve been through the loss of Bug and they’re probably not sure what to expect from the adoption no matter how willing and on board they are, and so they were honest…how on earth could they really give any other answer?
i hope things clear up soon and you get the all clear. there is a special needs child out there just crying for a new tattoo…i can tell.
May 25th, 2007 at 6:21 am
My 11yo is ambivalent about breathing for heaven’s sake.
On the other side of things-I think it’s ok for your kids to be ambivalent. You’ve written here about how much they loved Bug and how much they hurt when he died. So perhaps the social worker saw both of those come through when she questioned them and just did not know/understand what it meant. Or had no better way to process it.
May 25th, 2007 at 6:36 am
I hate beaurocratic double speak. You are approved but um. no.
idiots.
I like to think it is just a little weird test they are putting you through. To base a childs desires on their enthusiasm level is ridiculous. I mean, how well do your children know the case worker? Not well, why should they truly open up, I know mine wouldn’t.
keep on truckin’ redneck. It all gonna come out clean in the end.
May 25th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
Show me a kid that age who isn’t ambivalent about just about freakin’ everything. I say that having taught kids that age.
Hope it all works out real soon!
May 26th, 2007 at 4:28 am
I hope this works out for you.
The double-speak does make you want to put your fist through a wall, doesn’t it?
May 26th, 2007 at 10:32 am
WTF…They spent no time with them. One lady’s judgement halts EVERYTHING??? What the hell kind of place is that? I’m sorry to hear they’re stalling the process. What a bunch of bologna. Don’t let it discourage though…keep pushing forward. It’ll happen and they’ll hand you a sweet bundle of joy.
Sheesh I can’t believe they said that.
On another note-your hubby’s comment was very sweet.
May 27th, 2007 at 7:44 pm
Wow, hey, if you get the name of the drugs that your adoption worker is taking, can you tell me what they are? Because, I, personally, would LOVE to live in that fantasy world wherein two pre-adolescents are excited about another family member coming in to take attention away from them …
I hope my sarcasm is way more than apparent there. What I am trying to say is that it’s RIDICULOUS for her (or anyone else) to expect your bio kids to be EXCITED about this … and that’s not to take anything away from Fric & Frac, you see … but GET REAL, adoption worker lady! If the bio kids aren’t burning themselves to try and stop the new kid from coming, I’d say they’re WAY excited.
May 28th, 2007 at 3:29 pm
oh man…that sucks.
May 29th, 2007 at 8:32 am
Just got caught up, T. Shit on a stick.
May 30th, 2007 at 1:37 pm
gaaagh! That sounds like a fricking pain in the ass, T. I’m sorry:(
Like you say, once they actually start to do some meaningful checking up on it all, things should start rolling, right?
(crosses all appendages for you all)