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Hair Today. Gone Tomorrow.
I try to blog as honestly as possible. I put my pain and my grief out there for the world to see, I try to relive my joy and my happiness through my words and I try to remember what a dumbass I am and learn not to repeat said moments by immortalizing them in the vast shiftiness of the blogosphere.
I am not perfect, nor are my children. (My husband, well he is as close to Godliness as they come. Snicker. Can you tell it’s pay day today?) While I joke, poke fun, and sharpen my self-effacement skills, I occasionally like to rip open my thin skin and bare my insecurities and tender feelings for all the blogosphere to shred. (Or all 32 of you that stop by to read. Half of which are family, friends and neighbours. But hey, I appreciate you ALL.)
I do this because I am secure in myself, my parenting skills, my love for my family. And by being honest, and funny, maybe I can brighten someone else’s day or teach them a lesson. (Like never trust government employees in charge of your immediate family size.)
Life doesn’t end just because you lose a child. It just becomes painful as hell and a little bleak for a while. Then the sun pops out, the crazy pills kick in and your dog stops shitting on the floor. Slowly feeling returns to your broken heart and you are able to breathe, even if there is a small hitch with every breath you take.
And here I am. Thus the point of this post. While I try to point out with regularity the finer aspects of child rearing and how wonderful my darling Fric and Frac are, let’s face it: They are ten and nine years old, on the cusp of puberty and being guided by a woman who thinks that vandalising her body is an effective form of pain management.
To say we may run into the odd roadblock or two on the path towards adulthood (for all THREE of us) would be a small understatement. (Kinda like saying squeezing a ten pound squirming sack of baby out of your tender pink bits hurts just a little.)
Frac has a dirty mouth. I don’t know where he gets it from. (Shhh. Stop sniggering out there.) This has become a bit of a problem as of late. Especially when he tells his big sister to FACK off! On the playground. In front of other adults. (So much for telling him to cuss in private. Dope.)
Between the cussing and the ever-increasing size of the chip on his shoulder as of late, he is becoming a rather large pain in my ass. Add to this he refuses to make his bed, flush the toilet (not to mention wipe the dribble) and drags his feet when I ask him to do the slightest chore (like move that six foot high pile of stacked fire wood from one hill to the next), I needed to find some way to effectively punish motivate him which wouldn’t leave any marks.
Can’t be too careful with all the social workers sniffing about for the adoption. Wouldn’t want to blow my chances at corrupting another young life out there.
After careful consideration, and a stroke of genius, it came to me one evening after he refused to reign in his attitude and curb his potty mouth.
I went straight to the heart of the matter. His beautiful, flowing locks. Never mind he looked like a straggly hoodlum, he LOVED his hair. It was his pride, his joy.
It is now strewn in my garden to banish the deer from my broccoli. Mess with Mama and you will pay. Even if I have to wrestle you to the floor, sit on you and take the clippers after you.
***As some have pointed out, Frac does not look too upset. That would be because in the first photo he didn’t know he was posing for a BEFORE shot. The second photo he was pouting and wouldn’t smile so I told him if he didn’t smile I would email embarrassing baby photos to the girl he has a crush on in school. That did the trick and VOILA! Really, I am a badass mommy. Cross my heart.***
May 25th, 2007 at 8:15 am
Yeah hon. By that second photo I can tell you REALLY showed him who’s boss.
I promise to NEVaaaAR mess with YOU. You scary…..
PS. This part. Nuff said.
‘Life doesn’t end just because you lose a child. It just becomes painful as hell and a little bleak for a while. Then the sun pops out, the crazy pills kick in and your dog stops shitting on the floor. Slowly feeling returns to your broken heart and you are able to breathe, even if there is a small hitch with every breath you take.’
May 25th, 2007 at 8:21 am
LOL..Somehow he doesn’t look too upset!
May 25th, 2007 at 8:31 am
This maybe his way of coping with the absents of his father. I will say it again Boo, you can never make up the time you are away from your family.
May 25th, 2007 at 8:36 am
Holy crap! Remind me to never piss you off.
Honestly though, I like it much better. I can’t stand the 70’s hair the boys are walking around with lately. I like the brush cuts. Heh.
May 25th, 2007 at 8:59 am
I loved this post - and I was shocked by how much your son looks like my husband at that age (so probably similar to how my son will look).
Love the idea. Love it.
My grade 5 teacher used to make us hold our hands out straight in the air as punishment. It was BRUTAL. It wasn’t mean - it just worked our arm muscles. But we behaved after that punishment!!!
May 25th, 2007 at 8:59 am
I am new to your Blog. Thanks for the humor and parental advise. I wonder if this would work on my daughter?……:)
May 25th, 2007 at 9:31 am
Careful, My mom gave me haircuts like that at his age. I hated them. I think it led me to grow my hair long when I got older just to spite her.
May 25th, 2007 at 9:40 am
Wow, that’ll teach him!
I love your sense of humour by the way.
May 25th, 2007 at 9:43 am
There are advantages to extremely short hair. Don’t be surprised if he likes it that way after awhile.
Plus it’s much cooler in the summer. Even if it is snowing there right now…..
May 25th, 2007 at 9:53 am
Amazing! Your darling little girl has been transformed into a tiny Marine. Those curly blonde locks would have given him lots of trouble on the junior high playground.
Now, you need a few scars and some missing teeth. (Nothing major — give him a broken beer bottle and a go-cart, and that should do it.)
Best mommy in the whole damn world.
May 25th, 2007 at 10:00 am
Omg this brings back memories of the time my brother took the hair shaver thing to my own ten year old’s head … on the shortest setting. While claiming at the same time he was using the longest setting. My poor baby took one look at his near bald mellon and started bawling (he was a bit of a pussy child then and thank God by 20 he’d macho’d up a bit). The only way we were able to convince him it looked cool was to let him dye it blue… which left him looking kinda like a blue sharpie marker.
On a different note… I’m so very sorry for the loss of your child. I don’t “know” anyone who has gone through that and I think about you quite often as a result as you are the only example I know of. And I admire and respect you so much for your strength, as a fellow mother I truly ache for you when I think about it and what you must go through. I’m happy for you in that blogging has given you some small way of expressing some of those dark feelings but also a way of recongnizing and re-enforcing all the great things you still have in your life to be happy about.
Thanks for sharing and sorry for the uber-long rant - your post today got me kinda emo.
May 25th, 2007 at 10:06 am
Get him a jailhouse tattoo and he’s all set!
May 25th, 2007 at 10:19 am
LOVE IT!
I will definitely use this in about 8 years!
I think you’re a great mom - I would brag about you to my friends for sure if you were mine!
May 25th, 2007 at 10:39 am
“…there is a small hitch with every breath you take”
so lovely, RM.
and you are one ballsy lady.
May 25th, 2007 at 10:43 am
HA! HA! HA!
I will remember this for when the girl gives me trouble. I have a feeling this is how my boy’s hair will look, anyway.
May 25th, 2007 at 11:06 am
The words about losing a child- awesome.
May 25th, 2007 at 11:38 am
Hey, I read this blog daily and it really rocks. And I am not family, but I deeply admire what you do.
May 25th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
Hehe! Hopefully it doesn’t backfire and end up with him loving it. That would suck.
I understand the chip on the shoulder… Meathead is developing one as I type. Him living until full blown puberty seems pretty bleak right now.
Save those photos for when he’s really in need of an attitude adjustment… you’ll get a good needed laugh and he will have other things to think about then how to torture you next.
May 25th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
I can see that teeth grit & that look in his eye like he’s saying you’ve got me now but just you wait…. He’s got a look in his eye, too, that one :0)
“…there is a small hitch with every breath you take” soo well said. You’re a beautiful lady!
May 25th, 2007 at 1:06 pm
Rock on Mama!
May 25th, 2007 at 1:48 pm
It’s puberty starting. Hang on, it’s a wild ride. The only thing I learned from my ride through my children’s puberty is that parenting is all about harm reduction. They’re going to get hurt, going to hurt others, make bad choices, do stupid things, do dangerous things and I realize now, my job was/is just to keep them alive until their brains kicked in again. Oh yeah, and have a nice day:)
May 25th, 2007 at 2:48 pm
You clip him and then make him SMILE? You are a badass.
May 25th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
I’m 50 years old and still have all my hair…so just take a step back!
If you think he swore before, just imagine what he said about you after the haircut!
May 25th, 2007 at 5:00 pm
you are hilarious.
May 25th, 2007 at 5:21 pm
Bwwaaahaahaahhaaahaaa. My son just turned 10 and magically has turned into a pain in the arse of late. There is the odd swear word - but it’s rare. But the smart mouth is chewing on my last nerve. He took to growing out his hair after he met an older boy (who has long surfer hair) at church camp last summer. NOW, I know what I’m going to threaten him with if he doesn’t wind his neck in. He totally knows I will follow through.
So, thank you. Thank you for your wonderful parenting blackmail tips.
May 25th, 2007 at 6:35 pm
Damn, girl, you’re one scary beeyotch. Remind me not to tick you off ’cause I’m kind of attached to my hair.
All my hair.
Even the hair on my monkey toes.
(he’s still a cutie either way, btw)
May 25th, 2007 at 10:20 pm
Your son looks so much like you! Good lookin’ kid! He looks much tougher with the shaved head though. I hate that my boys won’t let their hair grow out just a little. They look too grown up like that.
May 25th, 2007 at 11:56 pm
Right ON! Mommy POWAH!!
Oh, if I could only wrestle my 16 year old to the ground…he might stop puffing his ass up at me and speaking in threatening tones when I ask him to clean his room.
I hear they turn out ok, though. So, no worries!
May 26th, 2007 at 5:43 am
I could learn a thing or two from you, woman. Badass,indeed.
May 26th, 2007 at 6:11 am
Uh-huh. Yep. SURE.
A bad-ass mommy? I don’t even believe you’re a *redneck* mommy.
C’mon, admit you love Fric and Frac to bits and you’re hardly ever mean to them and if you are they deserve it.
I think you are a closet supermom.
May 26th, 2007 at 6:54 am
I was LMAO at the cussing in private. Mine also have foul mouths. I have NO IDEA how that happened! LOL.
I love the pics. I’ve been ITCHING to shave my kids. Unfortunately, my redneck husband doesn’t want them to look like little penises (penii?). Whatever.
I’m just thinking about the lack of ticks but he’s all about their looks.
Shallow bastid.
Great post, mama. Keep it up.
May 26th, 2007 at 7:19 am
dude. i am frisking you for scissors in July first thing. and you’ll like it.
May 26th, 2007 at 9:03 am
love this post … love it!
May 26th, 2007 at 10:29 am
I can not believe you shaved his head because of that. OMG. I guess that’ll do the trick. I just don’t think I could have done that. It would have hurt me far worse to hurt them that way…
I’m shocked. I hope it worked out for the best. Bless his heart. Kids can be cruel and how a kid looks is very important to them. Thankfully school will be out soon and maybe he’ll enjoy the short cut…I hope.
Maybe the short hair will give him a fresh new attitude.
May 26th, 2007 at 1:02 pm
You are my hero. Seriously.
May 26th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
That’s awesome! I’m totally taking notes…
May 26th, 2007 at 1:55 pm
My god you have guts girl. If I went near the blonde locks of my potty mouthed, 13 year old with a bad attitde and nasty snear with those clippers, I think I’d be the one that ended up bald! Kudos to you.
You’ve given me an idea though…I think I may start threatening his precious Metallica t-shirts with a pair of scissors! Force him to start wearing those nice polo shirts he hates but looks so good in….
May 26th, 2007 at 3:12 pm
What a badass!
I like your style!
May 26th, 2007 at 5:58 pm
My mommy taught me all I know about being foul and crude too! Keep up the good work!
May 26th, 2007 at 8:58 pm
Ladies, I think we have found our leader.
Now. Take me to where you hide the snacks, boss.
May 27th, 2007 at 4:52 am
You continue to make me laugh. I will lurk no more and try to post often. *hugs from Oklahoma*
May 27th, 2007 at 7:30 am
I am new to your blog but totally in awe of your wicked sharp parenting skills. When I called my Hubby over to witness your stroke of genius he actually applauded. We have an almost two year old that could put a sailor to shame. I blame it on living in a port town (cause in no way shape of form could it possibly be MY fault…no,no,no! I am a fucking model parent)
Love Love love your blog!!!!!!!
May 27th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
I hope you’re getting ready to be a grandma in 10 years or so. That son of yours is going to be a heartbreaker…and THEN he’ll show you who’s boss!
Bwahahahahaha…
May 27th, 2007 at 6:35 pm
You are officially making me rethink the whole “letting him grow his hair out” thing with my 10-year-old. I’m going to have to show him Frac’s picture (which is cute, but don’t tell him that, oh no!) every time he talks back - threaten him with my clippers!
So, did it work?
May 27th, 2007 at 7:25 pm
I’m a regular reader and am not family/from the gov’t/even Canadian! I LOVE your stories and how you tell them…your parenting style…your nose ring!
OFF WITH THAT HAIR, SUCKA! That’s how you have to do it. I’m constantly telling my husband that. You have to get them where they LIVE.
Go, Redneck Mommy!
May 27th, 2007 at 10:47 pm
Words can’t describe how in awe of you I am…..
Go girl.