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A Woman’s Need
My husband has been gone for three weeks now. Three long weeks of me being alone, with out any other parental support to keep from hanging my children by their toes from the ceiling fan and turning it on high. Three weeks of having to take out the trash by myself or bitch at the kids to do it. Three weeks of watching my lawn slowly morph into a hay field because of my brilliant idea to ignore my better half’s advice and buy a push mower.
I always was the brains in this operation. Pipe down out there. It’s hard to think over your snickering.
More importantly, I have spent three weeks alone, in my bed, with only the dog to cuddle with. A dog who sheds, hogs my pillow, catches his claws in my nipple rings and has worse gas than a fat man after eating a smorgasboard of Mexican food.
That is a long time to go with out any, people. No hugs, no kisses, no cuddles, no nothing.
Remind me again why I got married?
Oh yeah. I was pregnant. Oh, and I love him. Right. The benefits of being married far outweigh life as a single mommy.
I miss sex dammit. Especially sex with my husband. It’s just not the same when you are all alone and dreaming of George Clooney. I actually have to work to get the job done. When Boo’s around, I can kinda just lie there and let him go to town.
Not that I do, or anything. That would be wrong. And selfish.
Snicker.
So to pass the time until the Big Boy returns home to fulfill his marital obligations, I have been on the hunt for any sort of romantic primer. I want to be able to surprise him with a treat when he finally does climb into bed with me again. That is, if I don’t just rip off his clothes and jump on him when he walks in the door.
Not that I would behave like that. I am civilized. I do like to pride myself on having a little restraint you know. There may be kids around. (Unless they are outside stacking wood if I can time it right…hmmm.)
Imagine my delight when I stumbled across this website. It has tips for mommies and daddies! Sweet! I’m all for expanding my horizons, er, my carnal knowledge.
Won’t Boo be thrilled. Now I can pass the time dreaming of my husband and our wanton ways instead of my lascivious desire for unattainable, aging Hollywood actors.
Well, maybe split my time dreaming of my husband and some of those sexy actors. A girl has to get her inspiration from somewhere…
So go ahead and check out this site. You never know who’s behind the pseudonym. Or what you may learn.
(This is one of those posts where I just know my husband is burying his head in his pillow and wondering where he went wrong. May I remind him: A girl’s got needs too. Right ladies??)
Wink, wink.
June 11th, 2007 at 8:48 am
You know, BOB is a single girl’s best friend. He’s always up for the occasion, he never complains about foreplay, and he stays hard as long as you need him too. He has impeccable manners, too. He never comes before you.
Some men should be threatened by him.
(BOB = Battery Operated Boyfriend)
June 11th, 2007 at 8:55 am
Tingle Tip. Go on and get you one.
http://www.tingletip.com
June 11th, 2007 at 8:59 am
This site is pretty hot, isn’t it!
June 11th, 2007 at 9:34 am
OMG! What an awesome blog. I was enjoying it. THREE WEEKS!!! My batteries would be DEAD. I hope he comes home soon and takes care of business.
June 11th, 2007 at 9:57 am
Girl, you got real issues!
Screw the battery versions, get the electric cord model, but if the thought of a lasting, as in fatal O from an electrical short made by a Chinese worker with no idea what the hell a slender latex thing with an electric motor inside has you concerned, get the kick start San Fran Dykes on Bikes gasoline 4 cycle model. A gallon of gasoline will keep that thing humming for as long as any sybian any day.
June 11th, 2007 at 9:58 am
Racy Red smokes…and I think I know who it is….
I just know your husband appreciates all of your self education efforts.
June 11th, 2007 at 10:03 am
You are definitely right about one thing…it is NEVER as good if I’m thinking about George Clooney. I can’t speak for what my wife is thinking about.
June 11th, 2007 at 10:23 am
Wow! Thanks for the link. Hopefully Boo comes home soon!
June 11th, 2007 at 10:38 am
Oh wow, that cartoon cracked me up. Poor Boo, he’s not going to know what hit him.
June 11th, 2007 at 10:42 am
I seriously think my husband needs to go away for 3 weeks.
June 11th, 2007 at 10:54 am
God, by the time I get the kids to bed and it’s just me and Dave, all I am capable of is drooling.
*sigh* I miss sex too. For different reasons.
June 11th, 2007 at 11:21 am
I’m afraid to go to that site for I am pure as the driven snow.
*snicker*
June 11th, 2007 at 3:28 pm
OMG. That cartoon has even me blushing!!! That is hilarious. LOL! Yeah, poor Boo. But he knows he’s got it good.
June 11th, 2007 at 5:49 pm
“rip off his clothes and jump on him when he walks in the door.”
do you think he needs more than this? Most men would be beyond thrilled!
June 11th, 2007 at 6:40 pm
Looks like the shoe is on the other foot here T. I’m the one usually with the unmet needs. And neither of us are gone for 3 weeks at a time.
June 11th, 2007 at 8:42 pm
wow who would think typing one handed would be so difficult?
June 11th, 2007 at 9:37 pm
…kids outside stacking wood..??
LOL!!
June 12th, 2007 at 3:00 am
Painted Maypole has it about right, T.
June 12th, 2007 at 3:23 am
3 weeks? I went 2 years without sex recently!
June 12th, 2007 at 8:27 am
Apparently, one of our Nice Mormon Girls who works at the local car rental place kept asking one of our recent visitors if he was “*sure* he didn’t want a hummer?”
The sad thing is, the only reason I knew why that was funny was because I read this here blog. Thanks, T, for TMI. Never know when it comes (uh) in handy (hee hee).
June 12th, 2007 at 8:28 am
Oh my hell what flutter said.
(roflmFAO)
Yeah, Racy Red’s pretty hot. Pretty smokin’ hot. Can’t wait to meet her face to face and give her a big dirty hug.
June 12th, 2007 at 9:54 am
OMFG, T.
June 12th, 2007 at 1:21 pm
Chicky, you (and Racy Ree, er…Red) rock.
June 12th, 2007 at 5:19 pm
Ooh, thanks for the site rec! I’ve got a new one to bookmark now.
June 13th, 2007 at 6:07 pm
*blush* love the referral