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All Eyes Forward Please…
I have a fair complexion. I don’t tan, just freckle in a cute but never sexy way. When I blush, my cheeks go flaming red instantly as well as the tip of my nose. (Which also goes red when I cry, when I drink and when it’s cold outside. Call me Rudolph.)
I spend a lot of money on my skin. Piercing it, scratching indelible ink into it, buying sunscreen and special soaps to protect it. I wouldn’t want to add up the money I have spent on MAC makeup to look pretty or the drugstore lotions I invest in to ward off wrinkles.
Needless to say, my husband works his darling little ass off to pay for the investment I have made in my skin. After all, I’m kinda stuck in my skin, so why not make the most of it?
I am generally very comfortable within my skin. After all, it is a perfect fit. But like everybody else in this world, I had to struggle and grow to finally truly accept my skin, and all it contains. Flaws and all.
I like to think that I have finally become thick-skinned. It takes a lot to make me blush with embarrassment or shame.
Like a chameleon and it’s skin, I can change to fit with my surroundings. I can be the soccer mom when I need to be, the military mom when pushed, the sanctimommy occasionally, and I have been THAT mom on more than one occasion.
I’m highly evolved.
Until yesterday. When my daughter came home to tell me that several of her friends have discovered my web site. The same website where I talk freely of having sex with my husband (if not myself.) Amongst other not-for-people-under-the-age-of-18-or-with-a-signed-note-of-parental-consent type of posts.
When I asked just how her friends discovered my secret identity, she was quick to pass the buck.
“It was my cousin. She heard you talk about it with auntie and she looked at it and now she’s showing all of our friends.”
While I may or may not believe her, the damage is done. You can’t pour the spilled milk back into the bottle. (I always forget about little ears. Or how they overhear what they aren’t supposed to. And pass it along to other little children who apparently can’t keep their noses in their own damn business. Buggers.) So, in for a penny, in for a pound I asked “So what do they think of it?”
(Why yes, that is a kick-me sign on my back. Thank you for noticing.)
“They think you’re kinda geeky. And you are, like, way inappropriate.”
“What? They actually called me inappropriate? Geeekeee?” I squawk in a high, somewhat geeky voice. Sooo not the reaction I was expecting. Visions of being labelled the cool mom at prom instantly dissolved into a puff of smoke. “Who do you hang around with? Grannies?”
“Well, that’s what their parents and the teachers said after all of my friends showed them. It was very embarrassing. Thanks a lot Mom.” And then she huffed her way into her bedroom, leaving me to pick my jaw up off the floor by myself.
Great. Just fucking great.
Did I mention there is a school concert tonight with compulsory attendance for my daughter? A concert filled with small town teachers and parents.
I know there is a lesson in this somewhere. I can hear my husband ‘tut tutting’ in my conscience. But I’m still stuck on the fact that the kids think I’m geeky. What does a woman have to do to be cool around these parts? Sheesh!
So tonight, I may be the red-faced momma, blushing with embarrassment, hiding behind the bleachers while hoping no one makes direct eye contact with me and praying that my children don’t sell me down the river and point me out to the angry parental mob, but I am a COOL red-faced momma.
Like I said, I’m highly evolved. And a little delusional.
June 12th, 2007 at 9:22 am
Geeky & innappropriate? No. Your daughter might be a little embarrassed, but you shouldnt. Heaven forbid you voice an opinion about things.
But this is why, so far, nobody knows that I write a blog.
June 12th, 2007 at 9:27 am
Geeky! What planet do they live on!
I’ve also had more and more people stumble on my blog and I’m not liking it one bit!
June 12th, 2007 at 9:34 am
Ok more reasons why I stay in the “blog-closet”. Mind you I am alot more boring that your fun filled writings
But geeky and innapropriate?? Seriously! Is your town over run with a bunch boring old wanna be “Rednecks”?? Jealousy will get them no where!
June 12th, 2007 at 9:55 am
Hmmm. Maybe you can get some more clarification out of your daughter on the geek issue. As for the inappropriate thing, well, that’s a badge of honor.
June 12th, 2007 at 10:02 am
Oy. That is truly the suckage.
I live in fear of discovery. I don’t tell a soul
June 12th, 2007 at 10:03 am
Ooo…y’know, your daughter’s friends and their teachers and parents sound a lot like my mother’s side of the family, with whom I do not have contact: they simply cannot be horrified ENOUGH by my relationship, be it past, present, future or future-perfect tense, with my babbydaddy/technical spouse because none of them have ever f*cked in their lives, in fact we’re the only people they’ve ever met who’ve done it. I have NO idea how they reproduce; Jo suggested that perhaps they are like amoeba, and while the splitting apart sounds fairly apt, the ever having touched in the first place do not. I rather like the eighteenth-century scientific theory of spontaneous generation of amoebas occurring in puddles of cold…nevermind.
June 12th, 2007 at 10:13 am
Oh yeah, you gotta love that internet and it’s ease of use!
June 12th, 2007 at 10:21 am
Ieee… one more reason to fear the small town. When Big Ug gets home I’m going to have to remind him under threats of torture and me having a headache every night for the REST OF HIS LIFE to never ever ever mention my blog or blogs in general. To anyone. Ever.
And what to a bunch of tween and teens know… we think your cool, and we count way more then hormonally charged animals do
I bet most of the Moms think your pretty cool too, or they are jealous. If their husbands looked like ours, they would be innappropriate too.
June 12th, 2007 at 10:21 am
Eek, yours, I meant your husband… bad bad typo
June 12th, 2007 at 10:21 am
Remind your daughter that even after she leaves school some day, at whatever level that is, she will still have TONS of new learning experiences after she becomes an adult. Then tell her that you are where she will be some day. Explaining the reality of plastic fantastic lovers, little kids and big ears and bigger mouths.
I bet you will be asked how you are doing by some of the dads of these aghast moms next time your hubby is gone.
LOL
June 12th, 2007 at 10:23 am
I’m thinking you’re like the cool parents on Family Ties and your daughter’s friends are a bunch of Alex P Keatons.
(I mostly wrote that for their benefit, since they’re reading this. Although they probably have no idea what I’m talking about, come to think of it.)
June 12th, 2007 at 10:23 am
Shite.
June 12th, 2007 at 11:00 am
You are WAY cool, baby, and don’t you ever forget it. As for inappropriate, that all depends on who is reading, doesn’t it? For your intended audience, no problem. For others, they are always free to change the channel. Now go to that school with pride! Of course, they’ll all know just how needy you are tonight.
June 12th, 2007 at 11:11 am
I would move. I would totally just move.
June 12th, 2007 at 11:16 am
Aah, don’t worry the kids were required to say that. You know they really secretly thought “Fric’s mom totally kicks ass”
Can’t wait to hear the stories about tonights event
June 12th, 2007 at 11:34 am
I would so not want to be you tonight. I’m sorry but it’s too funny. Oh, yeah, and have a good time. I’ll be thinking of you, you didn’t hear that snicker, did you?
June 12th, 2007 at 11:44 am
All I can do is sit here and nervously laugh. Oh my. You are possibly in for some real fun now.
June 12th, 2007 at 12:10 pm
So you have piercings and tatts and you’re a geek? Wow hope for me yet. LOL
And it was inappropriate for your cousin to spill the beans. Not to mention the wrongness of the parents of the young children who should be monitoring the web usage of the aforementioned children.
June 12th, 2007 at 12:26 pm
geeks have pierced bits? Who knew?
June 12th, 2007 at 12:46 pm
I was just thinking today about how complicated blogging gets with older children - you have to worry about protecting their privacy, whether or not to post picture, etc.
I completely forgot about the REAL danger - that the children will violate the blogger’s privacy!!!
June 12th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
Ah, they’re just all jealous. Those parents WISH they were half as cool as you.
June 12th, 2007 at 1:10 pm
Oh shite.
I definitely think you’re a cool mom. Can’t wait for the follow up to this post though! LOL
June 12th, 2007 at 1:11 pm
geeks are the new cool.
especially ones with ink who blog.
don’t listen to the naysayers.
June 12th, 2007 at 1:20 pm
Just tell them what I tell my kids: Someone has to set the bad example
June 12th, 2007 at 1:21 pm
And, if they need reminding: http://www.allposters.com/-sp/Bad-Example-Posters_i1650141_.htm
June 12th, 2007 at 1:31 pm
Oh, shit.
LOL.
June 12th, 2007 at 2:46 pm
Oh noooooo! Exposed!
The thing is, most of the X-rated content of this blog is all hinted-at rather than spelt out. So only those who are old enough to understand will ‘get it’.
As for making it clear you have sex with your husband - well HELLO! It’s not a state secret is it?
Your blog is wonderful - sometimes funny, sometimes touching, often both at once. Stay comfortable in your own beautiful porcelain skin.
June 12th, 2007 at 2:52 pm
Oy.
Hold your head up high. You are - dare I say it? - too cool for skool.
June 12th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
Who cares if they think you’re geeky? You have the most yummy skin in bloglandia. Priorities, honey.
June 12th, 2007 at 4:58 pm
VERY humorous indeed…
June 12th, 2007 at 5:13 pm
Okay, I’m going to be TOTALLY inappropriate. Fuck ‘em. You’re not advertising anything. You didn’t paste it on your fucking bumbersticker. They went and found it. THEN pass judgment? pshaw.
You are the COOLEST blog I’ve come across and believe I’m an addict so I know.
And I hope you AREN’T embarrassed tonight. Hold your head up high and let them know YOU’VE got a place to bitch.
Considering what some of those little fartheads put on MySpace, you’re g-rated.
June 12th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
I think most kids will think their parents are geeky — probably just a rite of passage. And as for everyone else, I’m sure they are secretly jealous of your hotness and beautiful skin. And writing ability, and humor. Etc., etc.
((smooches))
June 12th, 2007 at 5:44 pm
too cool for school indeed, dearie. though when i add it up, most of what i’ve learned from this fine blog is how absurd adoption policies can be, how much you love your kids and miss your Bug…and how much better it is to read about Kraft Dinner than to actually eat it. all noble things, my friend. near as good as church.
though i might keep any alter-bloggy identities to myself, if i were thou…
June 12th, 2007 at 6:21 pm
Oh no! You were outed by a child?? Ouch.
I suppose all the tattoos and piercings in the world won’t make our kids think we’re cool. Geeky is taking it a bit far, though. I can’t wait to see what your next post will be about.
June 12th, 2007 at 7:02 pm
I can’t believe they called you a “geek”.
Give ‘em hell at the concert.
June 12th, 2007 at 11:34 pm
Ah, the hazards of living in a teeny, tiny town. Boy, do I know where you’re coming from. Small town people have gossiped about each other since the beginning of time. Maybe they should spend more time reading your very touching posts, like the one about Bug’s feet that made me cry a few days ago. There is absolutely nothing embarassing about what a wonderful writer you are — who cares if sometimes the topic is sex? You have the best blog on the ‘net, bar none.
June 13th, 2007 at 5:07 am
OK
June 13th, 2007 at 5:07 am
OK, T…
You aren’t cool… at least, not to a bunch of yougnsters… that’s just how it goes.
I am sure you know that most of us think that you are cool.
Be thankful that you Canucks tend to freak out a bit less than we do down here. If you lived in the States, the school board woud be trying to have you arrested or beheaded or something (in some places).
We still love you, T. Never fear.
June 13th, 2007 at 5:28 am
unless your blog becomes mandatory reading at your compulsory concert, they can all choose not to read it and you can continue on your way. If you were a published author (writing any kind of literature, sexual or otherwise), it would likely be a non-issue. The toughest part will probably be for your inner editor, as you imagine your new readers each time you start a new post.
June 13th, 2007 at 7:04 am
Oh, no worries…this is easily dealt with sweetie.
If you’re supposed to be embarrassed that people are reading your blog…drag them down with ya.
Get a site meter, check it daily…then post the URL’s of all the people that frequent your site;)
June 13th, 2007 at 7:25 am
oops. Wow, that bites, T. I don’t have to worry about this quite yet, but it IS one of the reasons I am mostly in the closet. The DC burbs is just too freakin’ small, and I live in one of those communities where the school board would go bat shit crazy. I already took a huge risk printing that BS attendance letter. I tell people that I blog, but only a very select trusted few get to know what the blog addy is.
Anyway, I think you are beyond cool. Who knows? Maybe you’ll get a new cool mom friend out of the deal. Someone may walk up to you at the concert and say “Thank God there’s another one. Let’s band together, sister.”
June 13th, 2007 at 7:41 am
That sucks. I’m sorry.
If it makes you feel better - someone at the IT dept at my office found it. And now pretty much everyone at work knows about it. There’s some personal stuff (my weight issues, love of an author, etc) that I kind of didn’t want work people to know about.
But … on the flip side, once it’s all out there you kind of realize that your insecurities aren’t as bad as you had imagined. Really. I bet those moms are really quite jealous of your piercings and tattoos (I am).
June 13th, 2007 at 7:51 am
holy shit. well, you’re braver than i am - and have been since your family figured out that you were blogging however long ago.
i’ve told my mom that i have a blog, but she doesn’t have a computer and doesn’t know how to surf… and she’ll have forgotten by now anyway so i feel fairly safe here in my closet. *gulp*
good luck at the concert. give ‘em hell.
June 13th, 2007 at 9:11 am
Ah, just keep listening to your own heart. Then hide in the pantry and eat Oreos. ;^)
June 13th, 2007 at 10:38 am
Oh, that’s like dreaming of going to school with no clothes..but I kinda liked that dream.
Keep being you. This is what makes you, you.
I think if they don’t like your blog, you wouldn’t want them as a friend or confidant anyway. Heck, I would bet a bottle of Fat Bastard, you’ll more than likely make some new friends..hehe.
June 13th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
I think I would have been more insulted by the geeky comment as well.
June 13th, 2007 at 2:56 pm
Which begs the question…were OUR parents really cool too, and we just dismissed them out of hand??
ARGH.
(On second thought, no. They WERE geeky!)
June 13th, 2007 at 6:05 pm
holy f*ck, I’d freak if the local moms found me out because they would definitely call me geeky (though I dream that people might think I’m a little cool)
June 13th, 2007 at 6:17 pm
I think my daughter reads my blog and her friends. I hope though that they’ve not shared it with their parents who in turn share it with others at the PTO meetings. That would make me red in the face I’m afraid too.
I’m not sure what I would do. I don’t think you’re a geek though. Okay maybe a little. I’m kidding I’m kidding. Just smile those pearly whites and know that if the other mothers are now reading your blog it’s cause they wish they were cool like you.
June 13th, 2007 at 7:05 pm
Since we’re going to be sending my daughters to a private Catholic school in the area (public schools here suck total ass), there is no way in hell (heh) that anyone can ever find my gig out.
My sympathies to you, though like everyone else, I find you furthest from geeky though still delightfully inappropriate. I don’t take my favorite bloggers any other way!
June 13th, 2007 at 10:26 pm
Just dropping in to say hello. Found you by way of Jasmine (”Queen of Her Own Universe”)
I read your other blog and you have touched me so deeply. You are such an inspiration…your courage, your strength, your love for your children….it just blew me away and reduced me to hysterical sobs.
You are my new hero.
And your little boy will forever hold a place in my heart and my prayers now, as will you.
June 14th, 2007 at 7:08 am
Okay, sorry but that was hysterical. Worst fear is always that your kids or “stranger” who know you but don’t KNOW you, get the inner thoughts aka blog. But you are cool, so prance yourself right up in that meeting and sit in the front, smiling.
June 14th, 2007 at 8:46 am
Are you a card-carrying member of The Harper Valley PTA?
June 14th, 2007 at 3:30 pm
Small town parents and teachers are okay I should think. But small town Alberta parents and teachers…maybe not so much.