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In the Eye (or Toes) of the Beholder
Yesterday morning started off like every other morning for me. Fric and Frac were fighting over who would take the last piece of chicken for lunch; Nixon, the World’s Greatest Dog, Ever. was sitting on my bladder looking at me with hopeful eyes, willing my lazy butt up and into the pantry where we keep the doggy biscuits; and I was taking my leisurely time rolling my ass out of bed starting my day.
Did you know that parenting can be accomplished while trying to gather an extra minute of shut eye? All one has to do is bark orders from underneath the pillow.
“Fric, quit picking on your brother!”
“Frac, don’t forget to pack some vegetables in that lunch!!”
“Let the damn dog out!! He’s bugging me!”
As I was demonstrating this fine parental skill, my darling husband called for our daily bitch fest conversation filled with sweet words of love. We talk about how our night’s went, the weather, and of course, if there are any hotties around for him to oogle.
Sadly, there are no Hot Asian Chicks for him to flirt with. My heart breaks for him. Really.
Luckily, he will be home soon. Where he can oogle my saggy A’s at will and forget all about the firm young gals he works with. He will be home in time for me to burn some eggs make him breakfast in bed for Father’s Day. It is the least I can do. Seeing as he supports my ass. Even if he does drool after anything with breasts while he’s away.
(I kid, I kid. He only drools after the young ones. He’s kinda choosey that way.)
“Are you going to be home Friday night or Saturday morning?” I ask, only half-listening, as Fric and Frac were back to arguing over who’s turn it is to wipe the counter.
“Why? You have to make sure your boyfriend is gone before I get home?”
“Ya. I tell you, I have the men lining up down the road. I’ve got to beat them off with a stick. But don’t worry, your best friend, you know, the one with the girly name, has been keeping your side of the bed warm and the strange men off the porch.” Snicker. That ought to shut him up.
“Not funny.”
“I thought it was.” Giggle. Silence on the other line. “I am kidding. Lighten up.”
“Oh sorry. A girl just came on the telly wearing a skimpy bikini. I tell you, she has jugs the size of–”
“ANYWAYS, what day are you coming home?”
“Saturday morning. Why, what do you have planned?”
“Well, I ordered you a pair of sandals and I’d like to pick them up before you get home so you can wear them when we go out in public together.”
“Why? What’s wrong with my old sandals?” He sounds a tad confused and slightly annoyed that I dare buy him a pair of new shoes. How insensitive of me. Damn. I need to curb that habit.
“Um, nothing. Except that they show your toes. The new sandals are closed-toed.” Like, duh!
Now his dander is up. “What the hell is wrong with my toes?”
“Nothing, except they’re ugly as sin and you never cut your toenails and I’m tired of explaining to your children about how the long nails make snorting coke easier. It doesn’t exactly set the best example.”
“Very funny. Like you are one to talk.” (Said in that I’m rubber, you’re glue, anything you say bounces off me and sticks to you tone of voice.)
“What the hell does that mean? My feet are pretty. You’ve never complained about them before.”
“That’s because a wise man choses his battles. Because if you think you’re hairy, crooked toes are charming, who am I to burst your delusional bubble?” I can tell he’s feeling brave now.
“My toes are not crooked!” (Note how I didn’t argue the hairy point?)
“Are your glasses on? Cuz a monkey has straighter toes than you. It’s a good thing you’re cute other wise you’d have been in the zoo with the primates a long time ago.” Now he’s really enjoying himself.
“Very mature. I have to go now.” I’m examining my toes now. I never really noticed how the pinky toes curl under. And they all kinda point to the side. Hmmm…
“Why? The truth hurts?”
“No, I’m gonna go ask my boyfriend his opinion. Make sure you trim those claws before climbing into my bed on Saturday, will ya?” Click.
It could be worse. My feet could look like this.
Just then Fric and Frac walked into my room to say goodbye before boarding the bus. “What are you doing Mom?”
“Are my toes crooked?” I ask as I wiggle them about.
“Not really,” Frac answers. “But are they supposed to be so hairy?”
Nice. The apples really don’t fall far from their father’s tree do they?
June 14th, 2007 at 9:26 am
I really don’t like men’s feet. Ew.
June 14th, 2007 at 9:35 am
Too funny. My little toe curls under too….as does G-Man’s. I also have a hairy big toe…that I often forget to shave…. Tell your boyfriend (with the girly name) I said ‘Hi’.
Boo…have a happy Father’s Day!
June 14th, 2007 at 9:39 am
My toes don’t curl, but damn if they don’t need deforestization every other day. No exaggeration. I have testosterone toes.
June 14th, 2007 at 9:58 am
SIX Toes
SIX toes
I blew diet coke out my nose looking at those. i thought they were yours, then his, then I realized that they had SIX toes. Too F’ng funny.
That was precious.
Are those a relatives of yours or him? LOL Just joking.
June 14th, 2007 at 10:09 am
You are too freakin funny. It’s hard for me to admit, but my huz has nicer toes than I do. sigh.
June 14th, 2007 at 10:09 am
I’m starting to think we’re sharing a Husband.
They both travel a lot too.
You better send me a picture.
June 14th, 2007 at 10:50 am
1, 2, 3, 4 , 5 arrrggggghhh! thats gross!
Do you have a gnarly little toe toe nail like me? I found when I did my reflexology course that so many woman have that cos we all wear shoes to small!
June 14th, 2007 at 11:31 am
My little toe is so little that there’s almost no nail. Seriously. In sandals it looks like I have only four toes.
Ehh. Feet are ugly. Everyone’s.
June 14th, 2007 at 11:36 am
Your kids kill me. I spent eons as a massage therapist and I must be honest. even lovely feet are ugly feet.
June 14th, 2007 at 11:46 am
love to have a good laugh. thanks.
i think I speak (write) for all your readers when I say I’m dying to know how you rpublic appearance went after the revelation of your blog amongst your children and their friends (and their parents!)
June 14th, 2007 at 11:56 am
LMAO — Coke Nail. That’s awesome.
My toes are hairy, too…thank goodness it’s blonde hair.
June 14th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
That six toes pic is firmly etched on my brain. EWWWW.
No hair, but messed up baby toes and the second toe on both feet is really long.
All feet are ugly no matter what.
June 14th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
Thanks for the nightmares.
June 14th, 2007 at 4:15 pm
That six toes pic is a trip.
You and your hubby’s exchanges are hilarious.
June 14th, 2007 at 6:17 pm
Have I ever told you that my toes are freakishly long? I can pick up pencils with my toes, they’re like fingers. I think we’re meant to be, my friend.
June 14th, 2007 at 7:07 pm
OMG I had to look at that picture for a ridiculously long time before it clicked…”one, two, three…HEY! WAIT A MINUTE!” My husband used to laugh at me because I didn’t think twice about picking stuff up off the floor with my toes (laundry, dust balls, the cat…), but now he just calls me Monkey Toes. Feet are just not attractive. I’ve even got the husband getting pedicures!
June 14th, 2007 at 7:20 pm
That picture is ucky! My husband too has awful toes. I always wondered if he was a monkey in his past life but then they’d have to bend and his don’t bend and if you make them bend you best run for the hills! lol
June 14th, 2007 at 7:47 pm
Oh I have such a foot thing. Not a fetish, but more a fear of ugly feet.
As for the hairy toes…shaving works. Been my trick for years.
June 14th, 2007 at 8:19 pm
Can you say “Funny”. I think you need to write a book because I enjoy reading every blog post you write. My husband has even gotten into to reading your posts and we discuss all of your topics…like hairy toes :). I won’t mention who has the most hair on their toes in my famiy…hee hee. Thanks for brighting our day!!!!
June 14th, 2007 at 9:29 pm
Red said dander.
Dander. i love that.
June 14th, 2007 at 9:32 pm
Ewwie! That picture is freakish. And I have lightbulb toes, so don’t feel to terrible, it could be worse.
June 14th, 2007 at 10:04 pm
Speaking as one whose toes are less than dainty, I can totally sympathize! May I recommend Sally Hansen cold wax strips?
June 15th, 2007 at 2:07 am
Eeeeeew! Man toes. Make that SIX man toes. That is grosser than gross.
BTW, I am in awe that your kids will pack their own lunches. I’d be so very afraid if the boys did that. Their lunches would be nothing but raw hot dogs and cheetos. Maybe a Pepsi to wash it down.
June 15th, 2007 at 7:19 am
I love the conversations you have with your husband.
June 15th, 2007 at 7:38 am
Funny, just yesterday a girl at work complimented me on my pedicure with the little flowers etched on top. (the only time in six years I’ve had my toes done, thank you Mother’s Day!) and then says, My what long toes you have….I am ashamed to say I couldn’t think of a suitable reply….
But I’m gonna go wax my toes now.
June 16th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
I’m afraid I have almost perfect feet and toes. I even have proper toenails on my pinky toes. But I do sport a few hairs on my big toes after having children, which I wax regularly.
June 18th, 2007 at 1:41 pm
I was scared there for a minute. I had scrolled down to make sure I was ready the last post from the last time I had a chance to read…and thought you were going to say those WERE your toes! Boo’s yes, but not yours! LOL!