Subscribe in a Reader
A Little Poke
I love my husband very much. Why else would I choose to stay shackled to him, his smelly armpits, his inability to put dirty socks in the hamper and his fondness of dutch ovens?
(Besides the fact that he’s also handsome, kind, loving and a major breadwinner who doesn’t mind the fact that I sit at home, spend his money and then whine to him through all hours of the day.)
I’m no dummy. I know when I’ve got it good. And I’ve got it very, very, good.
(I’m not just saying this since my home, neighbourhood and very airspace will be invaded by his side of the family this weekend for their very large family reunion. Promise. Pinky swear.)
There is one thing that bugs me about my darling husband. The fact that he likes to tease, poke, bug and generally get under my skin. He can aggravate me like no other. For years I have suffered at his merciless teasing, while searching for a way to piss him off strike back.
I’ve wandered aimlessly around this desert known as marriage, hoping for a trick to pull on him. I’ve tried pranks, and gags, and tickle torture; nothing works on this man. He refuses to get riled up. He just shrugs everything off and then chases me around to pull on my toes and tickle me until I pee.
(Sad but true. In my defence, I’ve squeezed out three watermelon sized children and my bladder has been the birthing victim in all three stories.)
Finally, after ten years of searching, I have found the one thing that ruffles his feathers.
Tattoos.
My love of inked skin does nothing but irk him. A good wife would consider this and abandon her ideas of defacing her porcelain skin.
However, no one could ever accuse me of being a good wife. Wink, wink.
So it was with great merriment and glee that I abandoned my groaning husband, stole his bank card and went off to the tattoo parlour. (Where they are becoming very fond of the sight of me and my husband’s money.)
“Why?” he groaned into the phone after the deed was done. “Why did you do it? What’s it stand for? More to the point, how much did it cost me?”
Poor Boo. He hasn’t yet realized that one cannot put a price tag on quality. Especially quality tattoos meant to annoy one’s husband.
“I did it because I had a blank piece of skin that looked like a canvass to me, darling. I did it because yesterday is my history, tomorrow is my future and today is my present. I did it because I want our children to know that it is okay to be different and to express oneself however they choose. I did it to demonstrate to the world that beauty comes in all shapes, and sizes and forms, not just Hollywood’s idea of beauty, I did it…”
“You did it to piss me off.”
“Well, ya, that too. Did it work?” Damn, he’s smarter than he looks.
Just wait till he sees my next tattoo. I’m gonna get “Boo’s Bitch” tattooed right over my pube line. And surprise him with it the next time he comes home from working out of town.
It’s good to be me.
July 4th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
Your husband sounds a whole lot like my hubby. He enjoys teasing me endlessly and never misses an opportunity to poke fun at me, but i can’t do anything to ruffle his feathes back…its annoying to say the least
I love your tatto. I have a butterfly on my left breast. i have 6 tattoos in total right now, and i want a ton more.
July 4th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
Beeeeeeautiful!
I’d so dry hump you right now if you weren’t so far away!
The pain you put yourself through to annoy your husband is truly an admirable quality.
July 4th, 2007 at 12:17 pm
Ooohhh…. very nice. Congratulations on a successful mission… and cool acquisition (tee).
July 4th, 2007 at 12:31 pm
Very Cool. Did it hurt? I always think of that skin around your wrist as pretty sensitive…
July 4th, 2007 at 1:21 pm
Very pretty butterfly. I like the shadow effect underneath it.
I’d like to see a blog entry cataloging all of your various tatoos.
July 4th, 2007 at 1:31 pm
Danny does the same things to me–constantly teasing, sitting on me and tickling me till I think I’m going to pee my pants (he’s learned to only push it so far before letting me run to the bathroom), and pulling on my toes (which I sends me through the roof almost as much as when he tries to stick his finger in my belly button). It just isn’t fair. He *is* bigger and stronger. This has got to be some kind of spousal abuse, right?
I did get him back really good once. He was worried about us already having 4 kids. It really freaked him out when he found out I was pregnant with #4 since we were pretty strapped at the time. He insisted on getting a vasectomy soon after she was born to make sure we’d continue to be able to feed all our children and not have to sell them for scientific experiments. So, when a friend called to tell me that she’d just taken a pregnancy test and that it was positive, I screamed into the phone, “Don’t throw that away! I need it!” Gross, I know, but all I had to do was dump it out of the little plastic baggie she put it in and leave it sitting on a paper towel on the bathroom counter for when he got home. He absolutely SHIT! And I didn’t stop laughing for a week.
July 4th, 2007 at 4:31 pm
It’s beautiful says the proud owner of 2 tattoos and the desire to get more :)with a husband with 3 who thinks he needs to stay one ahead of me so if I get another he has to also LOL
July 4th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
ummm… ouch. but not as “ouch” as anything above the pube line sounds. (can you tell I have no tattoos? ouch!)
July 4th, 2007 at 8:08 pm
Classic! My husband likes to tease me too. Or tickle me until I’m going to pee (so, so not funny!) I have yet to find his equivalent to kryptonite.
July 4th, 2007 at 8:30 pm
Gorgeous!
July 4th, 2007 at 8:33 pm
oooh! I love love it! And on your wrist - hawt. My tattoos so far all have wings.
July 4th, 2007 at 8:39 pm
That is beautiful. Where do you go? My hubby wants to get one and we have no clue of a good place to go in Edmonton?
July 5th, 2007 at 3:44 am
Nice tat, T!
I just finished the drawing for my next one.
July 5th, 2007 at 5:04 am
Ooooh….Boo’s Bitch sounds pretty good. I think you should definitely go for that.
Pretty butterfly…..
July 5th, 2007 at 5:55 am
OMG I love it!!!!
July 5th, 2007 at 7:25 am
Ooooh, that’s pretty! Keep that Boo on his toes, there.
July 5th, 2007 at 7:54 am
Now that I read this, the comment I just made on your guest post at Mrs. Chicky’s is even funnier. I crack myself up. Whaddya say to some tattooed eyebrows? And Boo wouldn’t even be able to get mad at you for it since it’s his fault the real deal burnt off in the first place
July 5th, 2007 at 9:36 am
Delurking… I’ve been following your blog for a few months now (and never really knew what to say in a comment) but I do I want to say how touching, insightful, witty, and beautiful your stories are. Also, I love the new tattoo, what does it mean for you?
Thanks for sharing your life with Ye Olde Internet.
July 5th, 2007 at 10:35 am
I would nix the hubbies name, I would put YOUR name, instead add a phrase like The Bitch’s Fun Bar Is Now Open. Or maybe Fur Bar if your really wicked LOL
My wife always wanted a too, and got when right after we married. We went down to the tattoo part of Dallas, and she got a lovely Indian dreamcatcher on her shoulder. The bottom is just visible when she wears a short sleeve shirt, so people ask her to see it. She had the guy make her a custom one, and its designed so she can add onto it over time. She is thinking of having another one soon, but has to wait for the effects of her chemo she had late last year wear off.
Me, i am a coward, but I have skin cancer on my arms, with more stuff burnt off to more than make up for the stuff people add.
July 5th, 2007 at 11:04 am
It’s soooo pretty!
I decided not to get a tattoo just recently, I had been toying with the idea. But I love love love the idea of them, what they mean, how they look, how they mark a time in life with a potent image and act.
In all, I find them meaningful.
July 5th, 2007 at 11:13 am
I think you should get a tattoo of Boo’s face on your ass. *wink*
July 5th, 2007 at 11:29 am
And,
I love you for this part:
‘I did it because yesterday is my history, tomorrow is my future and today is my present. I did it because I want our children to know that it is okay to be different and to express oneself however they choose. I did it to demonstrate to the world that beauty comes in all shapes, and sizes and forms, not just Hollywood’s idea of beauty…’
You rock. It is because of thinking like this that our children have the potential to move mountains.
July 5th, 2007 at 1:06 pm
My husband says that when he stops picking on me it means he’s stopped loving me. Dammit, how can I get mad at him picking on me when he says shit like that?
July 5th, 2007 at 5:06 pm
I still love it. I think I love it even more today than I did yesterday.
July 5th, 2007 at 5:49 pm
i am vaguely comforted knowing that the men in other people’s lives torture them for pleasure, too…giving me the assurance that if i live with a sadist by choice, at least, hell, i’m normal.
that said, it still drives me nuts.
but you, with your tats, you’re clever. tats don’t bug Dave, alas. i shall have to keep searching.
July 5th, 2007 at 6:51 pm
Ooh, I love this one. But I have to say, “Boo’s Bitch” would be the ultimate! So diabolical. I sit here in admiration.
July 5th, 2007 at 8:28 pm
you guys are so awesome. and that tat is money. i love it. i am going to kiss it at blogher and everything.
July 5th, 2007 at 10:27 pm
Ooooh! So hot. A butterfly is the best we could do? How about two babes making out?
July 6th, 2007 at 7:38 am
That butterfly is AWESOME. If I didn’t think a tattoo would begin to resemble some bad abstract painting in about five years, I’d totally do it.
My hubby plays “Isn’t it that one guy” which he says requires someone who needs to be right and someone who wants to torture them. Guess how THAT works out. LOL.
July 6th, 2007 at 8:32 am
That is great, the detail is pretty amazing. I’m that chicken who hates pain and can’t remember much about child birth because of the drug trip I was on….hence I have no tattoos….only lots of blank canvass.
July 6th, 2007 at 10:42 am
Here comes the pokeman himself:
Well, ya’ll ladies are quite funny in your ladies’ world. I guess this is why we (men) like to poke you.
As the old wisdom goes: he laughs best who laughs last. And I think this is exactly the case here - just imagine in what pterodactyls will all these tatooed butterflies turn one day, say in 20 years.
Since anything I say in this blog guaranteed to be privat (isn’t it!?), I’ll mention that my wife has a tatoo in a very strategic place and after delivering two babies, well, let me just tell ya that it really brightens my day now any time I see it.
So, my point is - you girls need to think longterm to pull a joke on your husbies, otherwise that joke will turn up against you one day. If poking your dear one doesn’t come naturally then don’t go with the flow, i.e. money wasting, tatooing, getting laid by neighbor, etc., in stead be creative, extraordinary and then you’ll be granted a good portion of pure unsalted satisfaction, my dear and beatiful female counterparts.
However, I should warn you here, that men don’t tolerate very well the jokes that are pulled on them, we are too sensetive and our egos will hurt big time resulting in some miserable crisis one day, because unlike you we can’t tolerate them.
May be you just should leave it natural: men poke, women cry. At the end you live longer lifes anyway.
My best to you all,
Roman
July 6th, 2007 at 1:39 pm
very pretty! I like it!
July 13th, 2007 at 6:13 pm
delurking to say how much I love the new tat. I just got my second one and have a date with my husband for us both to get our third shortly after I return from Blogher. I LOVE what you said about why you did it (I echo crazymumma). You inspire me. Every day.
July 14th, 2007 at 9:15 pm
I love it!!