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Animal House
With summer vacation upon us, one would think that I would be able to get some much needed shut eye. After all, I don’t have to rush the kids anywhere, there are no classes to attend, nothing but two months of leisure stretching out before us.
That’s the theory, anyways. Tell it to the birds. Specifically, Abe and Lester. Who haven’t learned to keep their big beaks shut at 7 in the morning.
(And yes, I did cover their cage. The fackers don’t care. They just chirp away…)
Generally, I wake up to Nixon snoring in one ear and if I’m really lucky, my husband snoring in the other. However, this morning I woke up to something new. Something worse.
A bird, specifically Lester, pulling my hair out of my head, while Nixon snuffed softly in my ear.
The little facker escaped his cage. I thought the hand of God himself, had reached down to yank at my scalp. And then I woke up. I don’t know who was more startled; me, Lester or Nixon.
Imagine my children’s bleary eyed delight as they woke to the sounds of me cursing while I chased the damn bird around the house, naked as the day I was born. Soon our house was filled with the noise of Abe chirping Lester on to sweet freedom, Lester chirping his way to a heart attack, my creative verbal attempts at trying to coo to Lester (Come here you flying bag of fleas, mommy loves you stupid bird, come dumbass, well, you get the idea…) and my children giggling at the site of their mother running after a flapping, feathered creature, cussing a blue streak while her own bits were shaking like a bowl full of jello.
I did say my house was too quiet. I think I have solved that problem.
All I could think of was what would happen if Lester decided he wanted to pull on my boob rings with his big ole beak. Worse yet, perch there. Ouch.
Have I mentioned how much I love my birds? No? That would likely be because, well, I don’t.
Not that I’m going to release them into the wild or feed them to my dog (however, I can’t promise that he won’t eat them if they continue to to be stars in their own version of Prison Break.) It’s just, well, they annoy me.
My husband was right. Birds suck. That said, welcome to our family. We willingly welcome annoying bird brains into our family. Just ask my inlaws.
(Just to be clear, that means I’m the bird brain. Oh, did I mention it’s my husband’s family reunion this weekend? And I will be attending without my husband? It’s a good thing I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my husband’s family. And I’m not just saying that because they know where I live. Promise.)
July 6th, 2007 at 9:48 am
And to think I was considering adding birds to our family menagerie after reading about you getting Abe and Lester the other day!
Seeing how I also sleep in the buff, I think I’ll pass on getting a bird. My children don’t need the future therapy bills.
July 6th, 2007 at 10:00 am
OMG clip their wings!!! It’ll humble them and make them easier to catch if they do get out. I recently clipped my bird for the first time in her life because my kids keep leaving doors open and we’re getting ready to move. She’s less than thrilled, but I’m delighted–she’ll start flapping impotently and I’ll gloat and say things like “awwww whassa matta can’t you fly behind the water heater and make me climb it and hang upside-down pleading with you to step on the goddamn broomstick anymore? Poor BABY.”
July 6th, 2007 at 10:11 am
You were running around naked chasing the birds?!?! And that video will be up on YouTube starting when????
July 6th, 2007 at 10:12 am
Snort
I can’t get over the visual of you chasing the fracking bird around your house naked! tee hee (I’m laughing *with* you not at you.) Snort
July 6th, 2007 at 10:12 am
Oh do I know that one! We have 4 birds and 4 cats. Imagine waking up to the cats chasing the birds all over the house, with one of the birds IN one of the cats mouth! Not to mention the mess they make! Our birds spit the seeds at the cats to torture them.. The cats come to the cage and try to stick their paws in and the birds nip at them! Pure entertainment.
July 6th, 2007 at 10:24 am
I missed my canary when it died.
Would I ever get another bird?
Hells NO.
July 6th, 2007 at 10:31 am
Birds perched on the boob rings. Now THAT’S gonna take a few grogs to get outa my head. Pirates of the Canadians coming soon to a theater near you…er ewe?
July 6th, 2007 at 10:38 am
LOL at the image you (or anyone, for that matter) running around naked while chasing a bird. Time to get a lock for the bird cage — clearly the birdies are getting too smart! ;^)
July 6th, 2007 at 11:31 am
LOL - i used to have a lovebird. the guy at the store called them ‘houdini birds’ - there isn’t a cage made that can hold them, especially when they start working together. things got better after we duct taped the food and water dishes into the cage and put clothespins on the doors.
in the summer, when our cockatiel would start feeling his oats and shrieking his little birdie lungs out, we used to put his cage on the back porch. after he called the hawk in, he quieted down a bit. good luck!
July 6th, 2007 at 12:38 pm
When I was 6 I had a canary. He was blue and white and his name was Pete. Then my brother who was 17 at the time got stoned and hungry and deep fried Pete for a snack (no I am not kidding). I miss Pete.
Never…ever…EVER get birds. The require more attention than husbands and children and they never shut up.
~Darlin~
July 6th, 2007 at 1:02 pm
The thought of you and your bits blowing in the wind - in front of your children, while chasing birds - is enough to turn anyone on.
Boo is one. lucky. man.
July 6th, 2007 at 1:41 pm
I needed this one … I LOL harder then I did when we had the baby at the Dr and she shit all over us … haha
Great post and good luck with the birds!
July 6th, 2007 at 2:07 pm
Oh, wow, great mental picture you’ve created!!
If that was to happen to me, I think my kids would end up with post-traumatic stress disorder.
Maybe you can get a soundproof cover for their cage. (what? they may then not be able to breathe? ah, never mind
)
July 6th, 2007 at 2:54 pm
You’ve just broken the heart of one 10 year-old boy, you know. Because no matter how much he begs and pleads, there is now no conceivable way I am letting him get a bird. No. Way.
July 6th, 2007 at 3:40 pm
Here is what you do: set the cage up in the kitchen so they have a bird’s eye view (see I can do the puns, too), get a whole chicken, cut it up very slowly in front of the birds, then fried it up, finger lickin good. The whole time telling them that if they dont mind themselves, this will be their fate.
This is how I handle annoying animals in my house, although frying up a dog doesnt sound as good.
July 6th, 2007 at 3:47 pm
LOL
I still have images of you running around naked chasing a bird. Thx for the laugh.
You have fun with those in laws this week end honey. Can’t wait to hear about it.
July 6th, 2007 at 6:44 pm
Naked bird chasing in the same weekend as attending a big ol’ party with the in-laws without Boo?
Sounds like a full weekend to me.
Don’t they have birdie obedience school or something?
July 6th, 2007 at 8:22 pm
Have fun with the family this week!
July 7th, 2007 at 12:26 pm
Is it wrong that I find glee in knowing that I am not the only one with idiot birds? If it is, I apologize now and will roll around in the glee later
Take them to the pet store and ask them to clip the wings, birds are amazing escape artists and will constantly get out. All of mine are in their own room for that specific reason, houdini birds and ex-ally cats don’t mix well at all.
And I have Big Ug’s reunion on the 11th… which I don’t get because its all the same people we seeat all holidays. They just like the excuse to spend way to much money on way to much food.
And Wendy’s idea won’t work. Birds like chicken. At least mine do. Hannibel Lecter ass things.
July 7th, 2007 at 9:06 pm
uh huh, memories of the african grey who tried to peck my eyeballs out are all coming back….
July 7th, 2007 at 11:39 pm
That there is one funny story. I don’t mean to laugh at the expense of your head being picked at but I just can’t seem to help myself.
July 8th, 2007 at 7:36 am
The birds are beautiful! I love the soft green colors…
I’m surprised Nixon [the not greatest dog ever] didn’t try to eat him. Good watch dog that Nixon!
Hope you had a good time at the family reunion. How are things with your own family these days?
July 8th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
I can just see it now, some perv in Canada googling “chasing birds neck-ed”…
July 8th, 2007 at 5:18 pm
Dude…the people across from my old house had this Macaw that would make these godawful noises that sounded like someone was torturing a monkey or something. Truly awful! No birds for me except the kind that sit on the telephone wires!
July 8th, 2007 at 8:44 pm
Oh, the boob ring comment has me cringing and holding my own breasts like a man envisioning a vascectomy. Oy!
July 9th, 2007 at 5:13 am
Can’t you leave a window open or something? Or would Nixon jump out instead?
July 9th, 2007 at 10:58 pm
Hi.larious! Birds do like hair.
July 9th, 2007 at 11:00 pm
What gives? Those birds made my day.
July 10th, 2007 at 10:08 am
Hello, love your version of the family reunion! I’m just trying to place which people belong with which “occurence” haha! Take care chick and hopefully we’ll see ya before the next reunion.
July 13th, 2007 at 8:32 pm
Animal House
It’ll make you think twice before buying a bird.