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Survival of the Fittest
They say nothing in life is free. That includes the lazy dog days of summer. Sure, we have months of glorious sunshine and warm heat to curl our toes in the grass or sand, but like everything else, there is a price to be paid for this sweet luxury.
For some, it’s the cost of an air conditioner. For others, it’s endless summer camps for kids and the hunt for cheap childcare. And for a few, it is the simple price of getting tortured at the local spa to have their hair ripped violently out by it’s roots all in the name of vanity.
For me, summer and it’s splendor had a higher price tag. A family reunion. With the inlaws. While my husband was off chasing hot asian chicks and bringing home the bacon.
That’s right. I just spent three days with Boo’s entire family. From sun up to way past sundown. Side by side with the people my husband holds dearest. People I haven’t seen since the last family reunion, two months before Bug died. Sure, most of them were there at Bug’s funeral, but the only thing I really remember from that day is how I spent the day blowing my nose and wishing to be left the hell alone.
Good times.
So it was with great hestitancy and reluctance that I set off with my children in tow and steeled myself for the very worst. Turns out the worst was my inability to hold my liquor and my crappy-ass skill at playing games. It was actually a lot of fun.
(Shh, don’t tell Boo, I plan on milking this for all it’s worth….You have to do the laundry, I had to go to YOUR reunion by myself. It’s your turn to go buy milk, I had to go to the reunion without you…Pretty good plan, don’t you think?)
I was a little worried what Boo’s ultra conservative family would think about my new body modifications. There aren’t many tattooed and pierced people wandering around in this clan and I was a little scared I was going to be barred at the front door and prevented from entering in case I corrupt some of the young minds present.
Turns out, most just ignored the art. I did acquire a new nickname from my favorite uncle of Boo’s. He’s called me “Legs” since the day he met me when I was 18. Turns out, he now prefers the name “Rings.”
Could have been worse, right?
There was a few bumps in the family road. I spent some time self-medicating myself and hyperventilating in the corner when someone mentioned to me how every family reunion we are down a few members.
Why thank you. I hadn’t realized that my son was the only family member who has died since the last reunion. How thoughtful of you to point that out. Let me go jump in front of that million dollar motor home over there while you put your foot on the gas pedal and press down.
Then there was the moment when I realized I was truly a horrible, wretched woman. I caught myself oogling, no DROOLING over one of Boo’s 16 year old distant cousins. I followed him around like a lost puppy dog, all in the name of keeping an eye on the children. Just when I was starting to feel really dirty I realized there was a long line of Boo’s female cousins behind me, all with their eyes firmly planted on the young hottie’s ass.
I may be a dirty gal, but at least I found myself in fine company.
But the highlight of the entire event was when one of Boo’s aunt and uncle came up to me and said they had been looking for me but couldn’t find me.
“Well, looks like you found me now,” I smiled, as I took another swig from the cool beer bottle that had somehow found it’s way into my hand.
“Yes, saw you, but we didn’t recognize you. We couldn’t believe it’s you,” the aging and graceful aunt offered as she eyed my tattoos and nose ring.
Thinking she meant my new body ornamentation, I replied “Yes, I’ve changed a bit since Bug’s passing.”
“Oh yes dear. We hardly recognized you with all the weight you put on.”
Phew. I was worried the family would freak out about my new punky look. I’m so relieved they didn’t notice them due to my big fat ass.
“Don’t worry darling. It’s nice to see you look so, er, healthy.” Then they patted me on the head and wandered off to go aim their well-intentioned guns at some other innocent bystander.
Healthy. Great. Healthy with a fat ass. That’s pretty much all I remember from the reunion because after that whammy, I drown my sorrow in whatever liquor therapy I could get my bloating hands on.
I spent the day yesterday examining my body in the mirror from every angle.
She may be right. I do look a little healthy. After thinking long and hard about my options, I came up with a plan. I’m going to go buy myself a funhouse mirror. One to stretch out my body and make me look thin.
That way, as I grow more healthy, I can live in my world of delusion.
July 10th, 2007 at 9:50 am
At least they tried to be diplomatic. Last Thanksgiving, my brother eyed me disgustedly and said, “You’ve put on a lot of weight. What happened?
Come to think of it, I think I imbibed in extensive liquor therapy after that remark, too.
I think your “punky” look is cool.
July 10th, 2007 at 10:03 am
What? You mean you don’t like it when people point out the size of your ass? It’s my favorite thing. {/sarcasm}
July 10th, 2007 at 10:10 am
“Oh yes dear. We hardly recognized you with all the weight you put on.”
Um ok?? Judging from your picture to the right I’m assuming you must have been anorexic when they saw you last??
July 10th, 2007 at 10:13 am
Why is it that old people revert back into toddlers/children that can’t help but tell the truth?
Boo owes you big time for taking that and not breaking her hip.
Milk, booze, sex, laundry, dishes… I say he’s yours to command (more)
I think you’re hot fat assed or not. Completely doable in my books. *wink*
July 10th, 2007 at 10:15 am
Last Christmas was the first year ever, that my father did not give me the “You’re cute in the face but if you don’t lose weight you’ll never find a husband”. I got married in October 06, and I only lost the 30lbs I needed to fit into my damn dress.
July 10th, 2007 at 10:17 am
Oh man, you crack me up. Those relatives! Crazies, every one! Who says that to a person?
Oh, to have a good one-liner comeback when you need one…
July 10th, 2007 at 10:39 am
oh.my.god. this post was full of surprises. i’m glad that it wasn’t all bad for you, t.
hey, did i ever tell you about the time, 2 years after we had gotten married, that chris’ grandfather asked me to take a photo of his clan because he wanted it to be ‘just family?’
or the time that my aunt grabbed my ass, and then remarked ‘hrmph. small but loose.’
oh yes. we all have them.
July 10th, 2007 at 10:45 am
Last summer, whilst swimming around in my gf’s pool, her father chose to tell me that I ‘looked healthy’.
I feel your pain.
Nothing a few beers or tequila shots won’t cure. No worries. Heh.
July 10th, 2007 at 11:20 am
You’re hot, don’t sweat it. And attending without your husband? You deserve some serious trophy for that. God bless ya!
July 10th, 2007 at 11:35 am
I’m quite healthy myself nowadays. I better go pick me up one of those mirrors.
July 10th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
perhaps they should make tshirts made OUT of those mirrors for all of us who have to attend our inlaws family reunions. the clever little clothing items could make us look very very slender to the beholder, while reflecting all asinine aunties and unclies as the hideously insensitive beasts they apparently are underneath their fake tans.
frankly, i think you look damn healthy. and i’m amazed you didn’t bite those people…particularly the one who brushed over Bug’s death like that. i’m sorry people suck.
July 10th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
Heh.. healthy huh? Well damn, I thought rednecks liked their women healthy. That was my only reason to move to the sticks, so I could blend in. Gotta find a new plan.
Boo ought to erect shrines in your honour for going alone.
But for class? WHen Big Ug and I got married, his G’Ma told me it was so nice to have another white girl in the family, that she had worried that he was going to go with an Indian like himself. All I could do was blink.
July 10th, 2007 at 1:01 pm
What is it about family — just because we’re related, you think it’s okay to say things you would NEVER say to other people? I just don’t get it. My family used to do that to me too. I was one of the last of my many cousins to get married, and I think my Grandma thought I was gay. She would make little comments here and there that I wasn’t sure how to take, and then she left her wedding china to me because “it doesn’t look like you will get any of your own.” She died before I even met my hubby, so she probably went to the grave thinking she had a gay granddaughter. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
July 10th, 2007 at 3:22 pm
*rolls eyes*
I love people living in lard castles, throwing donuts. I think you are beautiful, so there
July 10th, 2007 at 3:23 pm
I think attending your husband’s family reunion WITHOUT said husband should get you more than laundry done and milk fetched! (I’m thinking expensive jewellery and multiple sexual favours)
I’m sorry some people were insensitive about Bug. I guess there will always be people who have no capacity to even try to imagine your loss. It sucks.
By the way, I bet you Boo’s Aunt truly thought you looked better and less scrawny (because I saw the photo of you in the bridesmaid dress, and you were definitely slim and *gorgeous*)
I guess the main thing is…you survived a family reunion, and even enjoyed some/most of it! - hooray!
July 10th, 2007 at 4:20 pm
You are one brave chicky…I have a few irrational, hyper-emotional female in-laws (MIL and SIL complete with her cute but completly misbehaved kiddos–her problem not theirs). They visited our home for 2 weeks and it will NEVER happen again. The day before they were due to go home I told my husband that they were thinking about staying a few extra days. My calm, never ruffled husband spun around on his heel with this wild look in his eyes and said “Tell me that you did not encourage them to do this” I laughed so hard. This was too much coming from their own flesh and blood! Even he knows they’re nuts.
You deserve chocolate mousse and a candlelit bedroom complete with hottie husband. Buy yourself another piercing, or tat…or hair coloring!
You should have told that aunt that her mouth was bigger than your tush!
July 10th, 2007 at 4:49 pm
Shoulda showed her your tits.
Yeah that woulda shut her pie hole.
July 10th, 2007 at 4:54 pm
Long-time lurker, first-time poster. Had to comment on the need for family to comment on our appearance. Every time I saw my grandpa (rest his soul) after I finished college, he would bellow, “Are you still growing? You keep getting bigger!” hmmmph.
July 10th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
I hear you.
July 10th, 2007 at 6:22 pm
Boo is so your slave. That “healthy” comment should warrant a free trip to the spa. Besides everyone can use some healthy.
July 10th, 2007 at 7:20 pm
When I was growing up, my grandmother used to call me ‘Number One Fat Girl’. It wasn’t that I was fat, it was just that all of the other cousins were thinner. I went home for a family reunion in February. While I have put on a few pounds (okay, a LOT) since the summers spent at my grandparents house, I am no longer ‘Number One Fat Girl’. Its not that I’m thin… I’m just thinner than the other cousins. Oh what a wonderful feeling. Yep, I flaunted my smallish muffin top! And you bet I let everyone see how much smaller my undies were than theirs were when we were doing laundry together.
July 10th, 2007 at 8:01 pm
Hon, I bet your booty is just fine. More than fine.
I am so happy the reunion went well, thy all sound like they close to adore you, and besides, you have the dubious pleasure of being the ’strange one ‘ in the family.
It’s ok. I’ve worn taht mantle for years.
July 10th, 2007 at 8:03 pm
Hon, I bet your booty is just fine. More than fine.
I am so happy the reunion went well, thy all sound like they close to adore you, and besides, you have the dubious pleasure of being the ’strange one ‘ in the family.
It’s ok. I’ve worn that mantle for years.
July 10th, 2007 at 8:32 pm
I recently flew with our newborn to AZ to introduce the new family member to all of my Hubs’ family. Let’s just say he owes me for the rest of his life. My baby was almost 9 pounds when he was born, so I got the “oh, sounds like he’s going to be built like you” comments and the “he must not be sleeping since you look like that” stuff. Good times.
Its not just because they are old, because my crazy grandma was always crazy. They just have a socially acceptable excuse for being a jackass once they pass 60 years old.
July 10th, 2007 at 10:04 pm
From one “healthy” girl to another. Rock on! I’d say milking this experience is a must. A. Must.
Let us know how that works for you.
July 10th, 2007 at 10:56 pm
Ooh, I like the way you think.
Operation Funhouse Mirror will be commencing at my house shortly.
July 11th, 2007 at 3:03 am
Kudos to you for braving the family reunion without the hubs. Boo owes you BIG TIME.
July 11th, 2007 at 4:38 am
Huh. Healthy. Niiiice. I am a “healthy” girl and if I happen to lose five pounds - or perhaps even brush my hair, hey, I have a toddler - my extended family goes on and on about how nice I look. As if I look like a big fat hobo the rest of the time.
I can’t believe you went to Boo’s reunion without him, you crazy punk! You’re either the bestest mommy ever, or a complete nutter.
July 11th, 2007 at 4:41 am
Darn blogger, I don’t think it let me post that last time. Sorry in advance if this goes up twice.
My family has this tendency to go on and on about how nice I look if I happen to lose five pounds, brush my hair, or get a decent night’s sleep. “You look SO GOOD” - as if I look like a fat exhausted hobo the rest of the time.
And taking Fric & Frac to that reunion without Boo; well, you’re either the bestest mommywife ever, or a complete nutter.
July 11th, 2007 at 5:22 am
*snort*
Fat comments aside, it sounds like your reunion was better than the one I attended. I was just mainly ignored. Maybe I should start getting some tattoos?
July 11th, 2007 at 6:33 am
I think that one phrase….”with all the weight you’ve put on”….clearly gives you the right to hold this over Boo’s head for a long time to come! LOL Otherwise, they seem to have taken the body art in stride…which they should…cause it only makes you more beautiful, right!
July 11th, 2007 at 9:22 am
I was on vacation all last week with my in-laws. Lucky for me, Mrs. Joe was able to attend.
July 11th, 2007 at 10:18 am
You deserve a freakin’ medal. Family reunion without Boo? With grace under pressure? Medal. At the very least.
There. Is. No. Way. On. God’s. Green. Earth. I. Would. Ever. Attend. An. In-law. Reunion. Without. My. Husband.
No Freaking Way. You rock.
July 11th, 2007 at 11:33 am
Aw hell, T! Who wants a bony ass anyway?
July 11th, 2007 at 11:38 am
The first time I met hubs Nana… ‘You have EEEEEnormous breasts! When are you giving me a grandbaby?’
Gotta love the outlaws!
And then my mother to my husband… ‘When are you going to fix that gap in your teeth?’ He is now threatening to volunteer to take a mission (we’re military) to Iraq next time she comes to make our lives hell.
July 11th, 2007 at 12:40 pm
I could give you so many examples of the way that my family and my inlaws act a similar way, but that would be overkill. Family = insensitivity? My husband’s family usually justifies their cutting remarks with declarations of their “honesty.” I’ve never felt the need to be so honest that I deliberately make someone feel bad, unless it was in retaliation, I suppose. Sorry your inlaws treated you badly. Fuck ‘em. I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, and I think you’re a beautiful person inside and out. Bug blessed your life for a short time, but I know you blessed his too.
July 11th, 2007 at 3:21 pm
The new mirror could be awesome. Just think what it will do to all your tattoos, lol.
July 11th, 2007 at 4:54 pm
I work with a lot of teen agers. I hate catching myself drooling over 16 year olds. Makes me feel like I’m back in high school. But damn some of those teens are HOT.
July 11th, 2007 at 5:45 pm
Scoot over, healthy is apparently in…I was told I looked fluffy the other day. F*ck fluffy, what happened to hot?
So glad that you at least went to the reunion, I never even go.
July 11th, 2007 at 6:13 pm
Niiice. That just makes you feel so warm and fuzzy inside..and that’s just the liquor and the 16 year old.
July 11th, 2007 at 8:56 pm
I’m enjoying my time on unemployment benefits this summer. But it sure ain’t free….
July 13th, 2007 at 5:14 pm
Oh. My. Gosh. You are too funny. I’ve never read your blog before but the in-law piece had me laughing out load.
July 14th, 2007 at 5:56 am
Compliments from family can’t be beat, eh? That’s what keeps MY ego pumped up.