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I am Canadian…Don’t hurt me
I am not a seasoned traveller. I have never been beyond the invisible line that acts as my country’s border. I keep to myself, my space, my province and never bother the outside world unless it is to pester them on the world wide web.
I’m a homebody. But next week, for the first time ever, I shall grow a set of nuts wings and leave all that is safe and familiar to expand my horizons and leave my mark on the world.
Like a dog marking it’s territory, I’m lifting my leg and getting on a jet plane to pee on the world. Specifically, the United States of America. Our friendly neighbour to the south. Big Brother. The States.
I mean, how different can y’all be? We watch the same television (thank the heavens for that, because Canadian broadcasting is well, fucking boring. Once they took the Beachcombers, the Friendly Giant and Casey and Finnegan off the air, it all went down hill. And I would know. The only channel I get with out any static is our national CBC channel.) We enjoy the same modern conveniences. (How I love my indoor plumbing, my iPod and my McDonald’s drive thru.) We even laugh at the same jokes. (Insert lawyer/political/blonde joke here…)
How hard can it be? At least that is what I thought until I posted this last week. Who knew a whippersnipper could cause such a cultural drift? It’s a fucking weed whacker, grass trimmer, cutter of all green things that shouldn’t be there. (In my case it also operates as an instrument of terror which I chase my kids and dog around with while gunning the motor.)
Here I thought we spoke the same language as you Yanks. Turns out I was wrong. Oh, I get flack from time to time for my spelling words with a U (neighbour, colour, etc) from my American friends. And when I speak on the phone to my southern neighbours I am occasionally razzed that I pronounce my Z’s like Zed instead of Zee and for using the term “Eh?” at the end of more than a few sentences.
(I can’t help it. It’s a conversational device that allows me to turn any phrase I say into an opinion poll without seeming pushy. It’s like breathing air. I can’t. Stop. It. Eh?)
As Canadians spread from sea to shining sea, we are a vast and varied people. But we all have a common bond. We all perk up when we hear the theme song to Hockey Night in Canada, and we all know that shopping in a crowded Canadian Tire store on a Saturday is worse than taking a pack of toddlers into a Toys-R-Us at Christmas time.
And coast to coast, we speak a language of slang Yanks have yet to embrace. My husband fears that while I am walking the slick city streets of Chicago next week, I will need a translator to interpret my speech.
All right, that may have been an over exaggeration, unless of course I wander into a restaurant and ask for some screech or swish, a bowl of poutine, a pike, a butter tart, a glass of homo milk, a two-four and a beaver tail and then complain because they didn’t bring a serviette with it.
(After that meal, I’d be wandering around Chicago, flashing my girls and wandering around asking people how many clicks it is to the nearest Mountie office, while wearing my toque in the dead of the summer.)
Might as well pin a “Kick Me, I’m a Canadian tourist” sign on my back now.
Not that I’m dreading my visit South. As a sports nut (most Canucks are. Afterall, we invented lacrosse, basketball and of course, our national past time, hockey), the idea of being on the very soil that houses Wrigley field is almost too much for me to take in. I dream of being able to break past security, and run naked around the stadium, while imagining the stands filled with screaming people all chanting “Redneck! Redneck!”
(Everyone has to have a dream.)
My biggest fear is my sophisticated American friends will think I’m a hillbilly and believe me as indicative of all Canadian peoples. Classless. (Thank goodness other Canadians will be there to prove that theory wrong.) I’m not. I’m a REDNECK, who lives in the sticks; albeit very close to where the Inuit used to actually live in igloos, and I’m an educated woman.
(After all, thanks to our country I have an extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging. I know the french equivalents for free, prize and no sugar added.)
Just because I have to frequently clean the grease off my barbeque so the bears will stay off my deck and I make sure Nixon the World’s Greatest Dog, Ever. stays by my side so as not to get eaten by a cougar does not make me a hillbilly.
We Canadians aren’t so very different from Americans. Sure we think that any beer with less than 6% alcohol is for sissies and the elderly, but really. Isn’t it? Yes, we design our kids halloween costumes around their snowsuits, and we trot them out to go trick or treating in a blizzard, but that just makes us a hardy people.
More reason for the Americans to love us. We’re not sissies nor wimps.
I plan to spend this week brushing up on my American history, and trying to remember to say ‘about’ as ‘aboot’ when I’m next door. After all, I just want to fit in and not cause any kerfluffles.
That’s what a good hoser does.
July 17th, 2007 at 9:22 am
Cracking my shit up.
Welcome to America!!!!! Wish I could meet you in person!
July 17th, 2007 at 9:27 am
Welcome! I’ve been to Chicago once. Had dinner at The House of Blues. Not all its cracked up to be. Enjoy.
July 17th, 2007 at 9:33 am
Keep them on their toes Redneck! Brush up on Bob and Doug, throw in a french phrase here and there and they will be at your mercy.
Gawd, now I wish I was going.
July 17th, 2007 at 9:35 am
We welcome you! I so want to come to where you live, bear! Inuit! Cool! We may not have as good a selection of hockey teams as you all do but nothing beats the hocky organ music.
July 17th, 2007 at 9:41 am
As an ex-pat from Regina, I loved and identified with your post.
Of course, I’ve found that California weather beats Saskatchewan weather any day.
They will love you in Chicago
July 17th, 2007 at 9:52 am
Hoser! LMAO!
Haven’t heard that in ages.
Knock ‘em dead hon.
July 17th, 2007 at 10:00 am
Loved the post!! I’m an American who moved up here to the great white north 9 yrs ago now…and love everything about it (well maybe not the insanely cold winters loL)
July 17th, 2007 at 10:10 am
That was hilarious. I used to be a tour guide in Quebec City. I had a VERY religious group of Catholic Mexicans on my bus. (they were there for World Youth Day - they were very faithful people)
I did my usual spiel about various foods to try in Quebec. And I said “One of my favourite French Canadian foods is Poutine. Yummy!”
Everyone gasped.
Apparently in Mexico that is a VERY bad thing. As someone explained “it’s a woman’s privates.” oops.
July 17th, 2007 at 10:22 am
Dude. Don’t direct people to me for their dose of Canadian class. Please. Am hoser born and bred (I HAVE BEEN TO POUCE COUPE, and caught baby pike on my fingers. My grandmother had a pet goat. And I don’t watch hockey, but I have had sex in a canoe.) I just know a few more big words than your average Bob or Doug. Thas’ all, eh.
(And? Laural? You told them that you like to eat *whore* pussy.)
July 17th, 2007 at 10:29 am
Chicago will never be the same again! If you’re looking fun stuff to do in Chicago, let me know. In fact, even though I’m not going to BlogHer, maybe I’ll post a few ideas for those of you who are.
July 17th, 2007 at 10:32 am
Truthfully, T… most Yanks won’t notice your accent. We have so many regional accents in these Younited States, that most people will figure you for being from North Dakota or Minnesota or one of those places.
I’m sure our country will be a better place for your visit.
Oh, and be careful with the cabbies…. eh?
July 17th, 2007 at 10:32 am
Oh, I’m sorry I won’t be there. I’d like to give you a hug. And show you my rack. Cuz I hear you like that.
July 17th, 2007 at 11:51 am
oh, us ‘Merkins will understand y’all just fine. Have fun
July 17th, 2007 at 11:53 am
now listen, don’t flash the girls as you walk down the street - it’s not legal there. (one more difference between us and them, I’m afraid.)
also, they don’t know what a washroom is. (apparently they use theirs for resting) so don’t wait until the last minute to try to figure out where one is.
July 17th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
Dude,you are true Hoser. And for God sake, don’t use the word couch while you’re down there either, they’ll just look at you with blank stares. Until you say sofa. What am I saying… go on, have some fun with em’ and say couch too.
July 17th, 2007 at 12:27 pm
it makes me giggle that chicago is south for you, especially since my move to north carolina. and chicago being where it is, we’re very familiar with halloween costumes over snowsuites.
if it snows, and you’re driving around and you find a parking spot on the street that’s snow free, just keep driving. they’ll shoot you if you try to steal it.
my advice: BINNY’s for booze. it’s like a cathedral for alcoholics - everything you could ever imagine drinking. *sniffle* i miss binny’s. (it’s a chain - they’re all over the place.)
also, portillo’s - really yummy crinkley fries. and (i’m told) great hot dogs and italian beef.
if you do decide to display your girly bits to passers-by, remember all of the cameras. your every move will be on tape, and they’ll send the ticket in the mail.
have a wonderful time!!!
July 17th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Don’t say eavestrough, runners, washroom or garbage (it’s “TRASH” ya’ll!). Also, people from Maine think we all talk with French accents up here…even those of us from the Prairies and the West Coast, so try reaming off all the verbs and phrases you remember from Grade 6 french class. That’ll keep em happy. Have fun at Blogher…and ask if they’ll hold it in Vancouver next year would ya?
Your post made beer come flying out of my nose, eh?
July 17th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
As a Kansan, though it pains me to do so, I must point out that basketball was invented in the USA, albeit by a Canadian. If I did not mention this, since forty thousand things in the town I live (home of KU, where Naismith began college basketball) are named after Dr. Naismith, I would spontaneously combust, be beaten about the head and shoulders, and then deported.
Hopefully to Canada. I love it there.
July 17th, 2007 at 1:25 pm
We’re gonna love ya, eh? One t’ing ya might wanna be careful of — people in Chi Town might confuse ya for a Yooper, eh? Dat’s a person from Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, — U.P. — eh? And Yoopers are dere own t’ing, ya know? I oughta know. I married one. She knew right off what a whippersnipper was. She taught me dat fries ARE better with vinegar than ketchup. And just so’s ya know, “redneck” means somepin a little different in Alberta dan it means in Kentucky, but we don’t mind, eh?
Mark R from Michigan.
July 17th, 2007 at 1:29 pm
I just got back from my trip to Canada to meet up with 2 of my best friends, and I gotta say, Canadians DO have their own little language going on!
I managed just fine, though, and you’ll manage the states wonderfully! Have a great trip!
July 17th, 2007 at 1:36 pm
Oh, have loads of fun in Chicago! You’ll have a blast!
July 17th, 2007 at 1:41 pm
If you ever decide to visit Boston, let me know! I’ll take you to the Red Sox game. Fenway Park is way better than Wrigley Field
(Of course as a rabid Sox fan, I’m a bit biased.)
July 17th, 2007 at 1:48 pm
Um, I know what a poutine is (but nothing else from that paragraph) and coming from a very Canadian hometown (lots and lots of transplants, my family being among them) I say “Eh” a lot. In my hometown we’ve also been known to “‘Trow down da stairs my keys”. We love hockey - well, my relatives do, I could care less - beer, ice fishing and snowmobiling.
However (you knew there had to be one), basketball was invented in Springfield, MA. I will not debate this subject.
Can’t wait to meet you in person, babe. Despite our language barrier we’ll get along just fine. We both know the universal language of alcohol.
July 17th, 2007 at 2:13 pm
You are coming down here?!?! The women better lock up the men-folk! The temptation of Redneck Mommy will be too much for some of us!
I’m warm just thinking about it.
July 17th, 2007 at 3:30 pm
Awesome post!
I’ll never forget the 1st time I talked to a friend I met online from Michigan, when she said OMG you have an accent I almost pee’d myself laughing. I never thought that anyone would ever say I had an accent.
July 17th, 2007 at 5:54 pm
Chicago is my favorite city in the US - the food, the shopping, the food, the sailboats, the food….. Have a wonderful time!
July 17th, 2007 at 6:16 pm
Hey, I’m a redneck at heart too, so I’m not going to disprove any theories! And the number of “ehs” at the end of my sentences will increase in correlation to the number of glasses of wine I suck back in quiet desperation.
And the beer? Why bother drinking beer with less than 6% alcohol?
July 17th, 2007 at 6:39 pm
I’m so bummed I won’t be there to see you navigate the cultural divide.
Have a great time, darlin’!
July 17th, 2007 at 7:27 pm
procrastamom -
what the hell do they call eavestroughs?
July 17th, 2007 at 7:39 pm
Bob and Doug would be PROUD, T. You done this great nation of ours right with this post. Represent. (You’re taking a plaid jacket and a coonskin cap, right?)
July 17th, 2007 at 7:47 pm
They’re whippersnippers in Australia, too. Nor would we waste our time on weak beer.
Have fun at BlogHer, leave them wondering what that whirlwind was.
July 17th, 2007 at 8:51 pm
You ever want to talk to another southern neighbor, give me a call!
Other than that, I got nothin. Half this post made no sense to me.
July 17th, 2007 at 9:30 pm
If I were drunk on Screech right now, I still don’t think I’d be as giggly as I was while reading list post.
I’m not at all ashamed that you’ll be representing us Canadians with some of your other esteemed blogging peeps. Have fun!
July 17th, 2007 at 9:41 pm
You must be going to Blogher?
Chi town is about 1.5 hours south of where I live, but I won’t be there. Sad for me.
PS: My Dane Diesel? I imported him from Canada. Shhh.
July 18th, 2007 at 4:08 am
ok, now you have to record a wav. file and post it so we can hear you! Or even better a mobile phone clip, upload it to youtube and embed it here, we wnat to see you!
July 18th, 2007 at 6:55 am
Love this! Of course I spent my teen years drunk on rye and coke at many cabarets while wearing a bunnyhug.
It’s the money that is the hardest thing for me. I like our colourful monopoly money. I’m all about loonies and the toonies. Although American money is much better at the strip clubs. Not that I know anything about that.
July 18th, 2007 at 7:18 am
take off, eh!
oh, how i wish i was going…me with my Maritime accent, you with your redneck pride, oot and aboot on the streets of Chicago.
do us proud, girl.
July 18th, 2007 at 8:19 am
We (the collective Americans) cannot wait to meet you and your girls.
Love,
Rachael
July 18th, 2007 at 10:05 am
Killing myself laughing. You’ll be fine. I used to travel to the States a lot for work (before I spawned) and sometimes the cultural divide is much, much wider than you’d expect…
Prepare to be a curiousity. And to explain about (aboot?) Canucks a LOT. I still remember telling one chap in Annapolis, MD that no, in fact the entire country isn’t populated with leftist pinkos - he remains disbelieving to this day.
July 18th, 2007 at 12:08 pm
SO funny. But they may just think you’re from Fargo.
When Micheal Moore released Bowling for Columbine is was living in California. I couldn’t figure out why all of these people were suddenly coming up to me and asking if we really left our doors unlocked in Canada, like, while we were in the house. “Of course eh. Why don’t you? We learn this trick called knocking first before trying the door handle. Part of that obsessive polite thing we’ve got going on.”
Take a small town Alberta girl and marry her off to a red blooded American man and sit back to discover just how wide that cultural divide actually is.
I’m starting to say trash instead of garbage now. I guess I’ve been down here too long.
July 18th, 2007 at 12:42 pm
Poutine…no where down here can one get poutine, one reason Canada shall forever remain great. I have found perogies, but no gravy covered cheese curd fries.
pity.
Bring Wunderbars and I’ll be your personal American body guard. Wicked, eh?
July 18th, 2007 at 1:21 pm
Are you going on “holiday” or vacation ? I always tease my Canadian co-worker about that.
Aaah, wish I was going, I’m sure it would be a hoot to meet the Redneck Mommy in person!
July 18th, 2007 at 3:31 pm
HA HA HA HA… Thanks for clearing up the whole whippersnipper thing.. Have fun doen here in the States, and thanks for warning us that you are coming LOL!
July 18th, 2007 at 7:08 pm
From this Oklahoma redneck woman to all of ya’ll up north. It been fun a’readin yer comments. I nearly peed my britches a’readin laural dawn’s comment. I bet those folks on that there bus (god-love em all) just about died their second death. Well, reckon I’ll get along. see yall later,mater.
July 18th, 2007 at 7:16 pm
My first love had dual citizenship, so I got the best of both worlds, methinks (except he didn’t feel the same aboot me).
I can’t wait to meet you, T. I will be representing for us Yankee Rednecks.
July 18th, 2007 at 7:40 pm
dude, I’LL show you some America.
July 18th, 2007 at 9:11 pm
Welcome oh interesting neighbor from above. Don’t forget your Rush and Bryan Adams cassette tapes and your back bacon so you don’t feel too homesick.
Have fun in Chi-town.
July 19th, 2007 at 1:32 am
You WILL be fine. Have a great time!!!!
July 19th, 2007 at 10:35 am
In one of my past lives I wrote definitions for Canadianism in the OED. Oh yes! I was a word nerd, eh?
Have fun in Chicago. It is such a beautiful city. Kinda looks like Gotham and has a blues heart. Ah, envy!
July 19th, 2007 at 11:25 am
Dang! All those great words. Kerfluffies. Can we get a blogger Canadian-English dictionary going? I wish I could be there at BlogHer this year to mingle with the Canucks
Oh, well. Next year.
July 19th, 2007 at 1:08 pm
I love some of your slang and I get a kick out of “aboot”. I have no idea what some of those food items were, but I did know what you meant by a whippersnapper. Context, people! Sheesh! And I know about poutine and homo milk (pretty obvious, but pretty funny to try to attach another meaning to). Some packages of napkins here in the U.S. say “serviette” on them. Learn to read, folks, and again apply that little context tool. Also, I think “Eh” is a very friendly, “See how non-confrontational I am” kind of add-on to a sentence. I don’t like pushy people so maybe I automatically like Canadians.
Hmmm, what else? Some of our states have bears, grizzly and/or black. We have had a cougar/mountain lion/puma/whatever you want to call it pass through our property a time or two. I thought basketball was invented by someone from Indiana though.
I’m sure you’ll have a wonderful time. Keep your girls to yourself, though. I think flashing them is against the law here.
July 19th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
Are eavestroughs gutters? Why do you get the good beer? And also the good Mike’s and other such beverages from what I hear? The comments on this post are as much fun as the post itself!
I lost my train of thought a moment ago. I was going to say that dh and I went to England and Scotland for our honeymoon. The first day we stopped someone on the street in London to ask for advice on a good spot to eat. When she responded, I didn’t understand a word she said. Sounded like an entirely different language to me. I almost said, “Oh, you don’t speak English,” (taking her for another tourist) but caught a word of English just in time to save myself a little embarrassment. We thanked her and walked into the first restaurant we saw where I was further confused by their choices for water since I just wanted “regular tap” water.
July 19th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Flashing the girls is usually only acceptable for Mardi Gras or rock concerts, though get yourself in a all-female room with plenty drinking involved and it might happen anyway.
As far as visiting Chicago goes, if you have the time and the extra cash, take a ride on one of the sailboats that leave from Navy Pier. I did that last summer and it was lovely. Also, if you are a fan of the Forrest Gump movie, you might want to try the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. resturant, also in Navy Pier. Have fun, wish I was going!
July 19th, 2007 at 4:05 pm
You hoser! Enjoy your trip. I’m on the other end of the states, but very near the border (B.C.). I hear a lot of Canadian-speak, and I like it. Great post.
July 19th, 2007 at 4:10 pm
It’s aboot time!
Have fun. We love Canadians. In fact, we have to BE Canadians from time to time. Thanks to our wonderful leadership, we can’t travel outside the country without telling everyone we’re Canucks so they won’t kill us…
If you can’t be good - - be careful
July 19th, 2007 at 7:08 pm
Listen, Redneck Mommy, Chicago IS IN Canada!!! Why don’t you head further south and visit us here in Florida. You would be right at home; all good Canadians winter here! (We have Disney World too!) Have a good trip - I enjoy your wonderful blog!
July 19th, 2007 at 9:36 pm
Heh, she said homo milk.
Heh heh. Heh heh.
(Can’t wait to meet you T!)
Heh.
July 20th, 2007 at 4:26 am
My U.S.-born aunt who has lived in Toronto for over 25 years called my garbage disposal a “garburetor”…she said it’s a Canadian. My cousin stood behind her, closed her eyes, shook her head and gave me the internationally understood daughter sign that “Mom is crazy.”
When I moved from Fuquay Varina, NC to Boca Raton and was literally introduced by a friend as her “country bumpkin friend”, I replied, “In Fuquay Varina, NC, I am considered to be very cosmopolitan and chic!!!”
July 20th, 2007 at 3:12 pm
T you could seriously do a tour of the whole “States” and meet Rednecks (new family members, really) in every state….have a blast!
Redneck reporting from Utah
July 21st, 2007 at 12:42 pm
LOL! You have no idea that it isn’t just your Canadianisms. I live in California. I moved to Texas for two years. The blank stares I frequently received from my fellow Americans was laughable (if I hadn’t been eighteen and WAY too serious).
The South U.S. says “ya’ll” and pronounces “curtains” like “cartons”. I felt as if I was in another country. Go to the great state of Mass. and wonder what in the world the locals are talking about since their accent is as indecipherable to me as Chinese.
Besides, baseball is the universal language. If you get into trouble, just shout out “Wrigley Field” really loud. Even with an accent, they’ll be right there with you.
Have fun.
July 22nd, 2007 at 7:50 am
Have fun and for real … you will laugh at our lingo far more than anyone would laugh at you … I am from South Carolina … went to North Carolina for College .. I even got it there … Americans aren’t normal! Haha
Have fun and I can’t wait to read your posts!
July 22nd, 2007 at 9:35 am
Okay, for reals people, I grew up in Chicago, and we will know what you’re talking about if you call it trash or a couch, seriously.
Now, Massachusetts, they’re a little more set in their ways… I get blank stares every time I use the word “pop” to refer to a drink.
And Chicago is not Canada! We’re just multilingual, multicultural, and know what the hell to do with the white stuff that falls from the sky during the winter - unlike most other places in the states!
July 22nd, 2007 at 10:28 am
Yeah, that’s part of the problem is that the border is invisible!
Redneck Man
July 22nd, 2007 at 1:48 pm
I was just through Chicago this past week and yesterday. Never again.
I saw some guy get the shit beat out of him on the train track thingamajig with a tire whatchacallit and yeah, no I won’t be goin’ back anytime soon. Crazy ass people.
You should fit right in.
BAHA!
Hope you had a good flight and a good trip. Can’t wait for the details.
July 22nd, 2007 at 1:48 pm
Try to pay for things with Canadian Tire money. Trust me, they don’t have a goddamn clue down there.
July 22nd, 2007 at 4:34 pm
T-
On a completely separate note, I have tried to email you twice now and it keeps coming back. Let me know when you can get emails again, I’ll re send it to you. Kind of something funny-also checking in.
Jenn
July 23rd, 2007 at 5:54 pm
and there’s me worrying that my ass will look big if i stand next to you.
hey. i am geeked and shit scared too. and i only live 4 hours away!
but i will lick you, and all will be well with the world.
July 28th, 2007 at 11:47 pm
“jasmine Says:
July 17th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
Dude,you are true Hoser. And for God sake, don’t use the word couch while you’re down there either, they’ll just look at you with blank stares. Until you say sofa. What am I saying… go on, have some fun with em’ and say couch too.”
americans say couch by the way.
July 29th, 2007 at 2:04 pm
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January 29th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
Okay, I’m pretty sure most of the rednecks in the USA are here close to me in North Texas. The hillbillys are next door in Arkansas. I think you are safe in Illinois. You don’t have to learn Y’all or we’uns in Chicago.
February 21st, 2008 at 10:38 am
So, Im new to the site, and going back through old posts.
I am in Buffalo, NY. I can walk across that bridge to dear old Canada anytime I want.
Buffalo is equal to, but not the same as Canada.
If you need to ween yourself into Amercian culture, come here. We are like the perfect middle ground. We love you, we don’t mind saying “eh” we adore your drinking age (woo hoo 19!) and are completely pissed that passports are now required to go to Canada. Well, technically speaking, to get home. But you guys need them to get here.
We can’t however: Stand your money (loonies and toonies wtf), the Queen (She is not the ruler of your country, I just don’t understand), your driving (something about rights on red, who knows), and the fact that in Toronto, they are fk*n jackles (No offense any Toronto people, you are VERY rude to Americans)
We eat, breathe, sleep, and live hockey here in Buffalo. And agree with Canadians on beer, radio stations, TV shows.. And as long as you don’t speak french (we might mistake you for a French person from the country of France, which we are NOT big fans of) you’re cool.
We are the perfect middle ground for Canada and America.
March 31st, 2008 at 2:36 am
Here in South Africa a Whippersnipper is called a Weed-eater.