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My darling hubs surprised me on Thursday night while I was flopped out on the family sofa, eating sunflower spits, drinking red wine (I have such elegant, refined tastes) and drooling in front of the telly. One moment I was watching the newest commercial for cleaning products, the next my husband’s head was leering at me, mere inches away, separated only by the panes of glass that is my window.
Needless to say, I just about crapped my pants. I had spoken to him earlier and he had made no mention of coming home. I was a little surprised. (And a little tipsy.)
Once I got over the shock of having my husband press his face up against the glass (which of course, he won’t ever clean) while making monster noises; and once he got over the shock of seeing his wife shoot sunflower seeds into a spittoon while chugging a cheap red, we had a lovely evening.
We truly are a couple resembling class and dignity at all times. We strive for it, really.
Sitting outside on our deck, he gazed adoringly (snort) upon me until my skin started to crawl.
“What the hell are you staring at? You’re freaking me out. Quit it.”
“I can’t decide what’s different about you. You look like you’ve changed somehow.” He sat there with his eyes roving up and down my body until it started to feel like I was sitting there buck naked. So I slapped him upside the head.
“Quit it. You’re just noticing the elegant demeanour I’ve taken to sporting lately.”
Snort. “Nah, I think I’m starting to notice the scent of my money magically disappearing while I’ve been gone.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked indignantly as I carefully tried to cover up my new wrist tattoo. Apparently, I wasn’t quick enough. He snaked my wrist and pointed toward my newly styled blonde locks and replied, “It means you look like my money. As in, I see you’ve spent a lot of it lately.”
“Aw honey pie, you know I only do it for you, to keep pretty so you’ll be proud to call me your wife,” I said in my most simpering voice.
Once we both stopped laughing and caught our breath, Boo informed me that he showed some of the boys up north my picture.
“Oh yeah. And were they duly impressed? Was I a hit? Are you now labelled the lucky bastard on the crew because you have such a fiiiiine wife?” I’m still snickering.
“Actually, T, two of the boys started arguing over who you resemble. One thought you looked like Mina Sorvino and the other insisted you were a mirror image of a young Cybil Sheppard.”
“Were they drunk? Or visually impaired? Sheesh. Men. They see blonde hair and that’s it. They can’t see any further. It’s why Britney Spears is so famous…” I was on a rant now.
“Ya,” Boo interupted, ” I told them they were out of their minds too. I told them they both were wrong and there is no way you look like either of those women.”
“Really? Why not? Are they too good for me? What are you trying to say there buddy?” He was starting to look a little scared, so I took a breath and asked, “Well just who DO you think I look like? After all, everyone has a doppleganger. Who do you think mine is?”
“Oh, that’s easy. I figured that one out months ago. Hands down, no question about it.” (For some reason I neglected to notice the big shit-eating grin he was now wearing. Must have been the cheap red. It momentarily dazed me.)
Waiting for him to continue, I poke him in the ribs, and ask “Well? Who is it?”
“Why, Rita MacNeil of course. After all, you have put on a bit of weight…”
Eyeing him, and wondering just how I’m going to extract my revenge for that asshat remark, he looks at me and grins. “Oh come on. You know I love you. I can’t have you getting a swelled head. Not when everything else is swelling on you at such a rapid pace.”
I hope he enjoyed my swelling. Because it was the only ahem, swelling he enjoyed that night…
You mess with the bloated chick, and you never know. She may just decide to sit on you.
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:48 am
T,
I Hope you don’t think less of me, but, not being Canadian… or a fan of folk/country music, I had to Google Rita MacNeil.
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:50 am
I’ll avoid all the sexual references that could be made about a chick sitting on me…and just say, you are NOT Rita MacNeil. Not that she isn’t pretty. But you are way higher on the “hot” scale, my friend.
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:59 am
Oh yes, a much younger (early 70s maybe) Cybill Shepherd I definitely see.
As for the Rita MacNeil remark - smack Boo upside the head for me
July 23rd, 2007 at 9:20 am
Men! Sometimes they should just keep their mouths shut…unless they’re opening them to do something useful that is.
July 23rd, 2007 at 10:07 am
Snort.
You two make quite the comedy team. Have you thought about going on tour?
July 23rd, 2007 at 10:07 am
Okay…let’s see the new tattoo…and the newer blonde hair….
Men are so dumb…with you being drunk…all he had to do was compliment you…and I’m sure lots of swelling would have been happening!
July 23rd, 2007 at 10:34 am
ah, lovely Rita.
a fine and talented lady, but yes, i can imagine Boo spent a lonely night.
however, we Maritimers thank ye for promoting one of our own to a wider audience.
July 23rd, 2007 at 11:27 am
“money magically disappearing” –I know that smell all too well.
July 23rd, 2007 at 11:39 am
Heh…. yeah he shoulda known better, I’m sure there was no nookie in his forcast that night!
My hubs used to make asshat remarks about my “swelling” when I was pregnant. I took to saying “No uterus, no opinion.”
Ha!
July 23rd, 2007 at 11:40 am
Men. They ALL seem to have foot in mouth disease. *rolls eyes* sheesh. You’d been drinking. He should have stopped at Cybill Shepard and shut up.
But, I know this tactic too well. I think they think it’s endearing.
*sigh*
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:03 pm
Did you throw the wine bottle at his head for that remark ?
July 23rd, 2007 at 1:19 pm
Rita McWho? (Ducking and covering head….)
July 23rd, 2007 at 1:42 pm
That last line, about the swelling — I think I just choked on my drink!
July 23rd, 2007 at 2:47 pm
I can see Mina Sorvino, most definitely.
But don’t go getting your head stuck in doorways now.
July 23rd, 2007 at 3:52 pm
If that had been me and SB, I would have been writing about the incredible, excruciating pain he would have felt moments after making that remark (though I’m an East Coast girl and she does have an amazing story and singing voice and her guest spot on Trailer Park Boys puts her in my cool books but COME ON…). I can’t wait to hear about the revenge.
July 23rd, 2007 at 4:38 pm
he’s gotta learn to watch his mouth. Good thing you like him.
As to spending the money? You need to look good for Blogher…
July 23rd, 2007 at 4:39 pm
Ground for divorce. No question.
July 23rd, 2007 at 6:28 pm
I have no idea who that is, but from that picture I’d say that even if they found his body no court of law would prosecute you.
Not that she’s not a lovely woman. She is, I’m sure. But, um…
So, about that new tattoo… I thought you were saving some room for a naked image of me. *Snort*
July 23rd, 2007 at 7:23 pm
Just don’t forget my Wunderbars amidst all the porking.
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:24 pm
I thought that pic of Rita MacNeil was Delta Burke at first. If he was comparing you to her it would’ve been grounds for sending his ass to the shed with the bees.
Then we’d see some swelling. Hopefully he’s not allergic.
July 23rd, 2007 at 9:10 pm
Ah, I loves me some Rita MacNeil.
July 23rd, 2007 at 10:13 pm
Confucius says:
Woman with junk in trunk takes long rides.
(I just made that up)
July 24th, 2007 at 4:01 am
Oh you gotta love it.. while whining that i needed to exercise more, my hubby says to me “You have gotten lazy you know.” Yes, he got hit upside the head too. Then we both started laughing.
Love the Rita reference!!
July 24th, 2007 at 4:05 am
Could it be? Could it be that you’re pregnant?!
July 24th, 2007 at 8:00 am
So wrong. So so wrong.
Also the sunflower seeds? What’s with it with those? Nate leaves sunflower seed carcasses in glasses all over the house and it makes me nuts.
July 24th, 2007 at 8:00 am
So wrong. So so wrong.
Also the sunflower seeds? What is it with those? Nate leaves sunflower seed carcasses in glasses all over the house and it makes me nuts.
July 24th, 2007 at 9:41 am
You know, for years out here on the east coast I’ve heard dear Rita MacNeil referred to as “Eat a Big Meal” (see, it sounds the same, ha ha ha)…
I agree with Mom101, my hubby also leaves glasses / small bowls / random piles of sunflower seeds everywhere, and it maddens me.
July 24th, 2007 at 10:24 am
Good thing you love the guy. Of course, he wouldn’t have been showing off your pic if he wasn’t proud of ya
July 24th, 2007 at 6:02 pm
You guys are hilarious
Can’t wait to see how you get even…..no really, waiting with baited breath.