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It’s All How You Word It…
“Hey Boo, what do you think of this new top I just bought?”, I asked him as he was working on our deck. I twirled around and the purple top lifted slightly with the breeze.
With barely a glance, he answered, “Looks good. Great colour.”
“You didn’t even look. Does it make me look fat?”
There it was. The question every husband dreads hearing. Boo is a smart man. He immediately put down his drill, looked up, and met my eyes.
“Nah. But I like how it makes the McGuffies (our term of endearment for my boobs) look enormous.”
“You’re a pervert. But I love ya.”
I didn’t give the conversation much more thought as I headed into town to have lunch with my girlfriend. I was enchanted by the purple fabric and secretly pleased the top showcased what little chesticles I have. I was feeling pretty good about myself.
“Is that a new top?” my girlfriend asked me.
“Yep. Just bought it,” said as I spun around to show her my glory.
“It’s cute. I like the boobs. Well done.” This from a lady who sports a nice rack herself.
“Thanks, I’d take a bow, but I’m fairly sure the girls will pop out.”
We laughed and moved on to other topics. After lunch I headed over to her place where Boo and my kids were working with her husband.
As I screeched to a sudden halt, spraying gravel everywhere pulled into her driveway, I noticed my aunt and uncle were there. I was feeling pretty darn good. Had a nice top on, had a great hair day, and the waitress said I was the coolest mom ever.
It was bound to come to a screeching end sooner or later.
Walking over to greet my family, I noticed I was getting some looks from my aunt and several of the other adults. I felt like a rock star. Oh yea. Me and my fabulous purple top. I’m all that, baby, I thought to myself.
“Honey, you look wonderful!” my aunt said as she bent over to plant a kiss on my cheek.
“Thanks auntie! So do you.” We’re in a club; wonderful-looking members only, please.
Then my uncle wandered by and kissed me and told me I was glowing. I was positively radiant.
“Why, thank you.” See, I’m not vain, I thought to myself. Everyone can see I’m rocking this top.
“So when’s the little one arriving?” my uncle asked.
“Oh, who knows. Could be anytime, could be a year. You never know with these types of situations.”
My uncle looked a little puzzled and wandered away. Ah, he’s getting old, I thought to myself.
My aunt and another lady I’m only vaguely familiar with are standing beside me and suddenly my aunt reaches out and strokes my tummy.
What the fuck???
“You always look so wonderful pregnant, T. It suits you. I’m so happy for you,” my auntie says.
“Um, pardon me auntie?” I’m confused and I could feel my rockstar status slipping away.
“And that top, you’ll be able to wear it for months while you grow. Gorgeous.”
Holy SHIT.
They think I’m pregnant!! “I hate to break it to you ladies, but I’m not pregnant. Just ate one cookie too many for lunch, is all.”
All three of us stood staring at the ground awkwardly, not knowing what to say. Then my aunt pipes up, “Oh, I thought for sure with the size of your boobs and all…”
“It’s called getting fat.”
“Oh. We’re just used to seeing you a little flatter that is. But don’t worry honey. You look great. You look healthy. And your boobs look..”
“Pregnant.”
Wandering off to go and try to flatten my boobs into their once pancake-like glory, I worried that I was now resembling the Invincible Purple Blob, now starring with Pregnant Boobies.
Seeing Boo alone in the corner, away from everyone else, I made a beeline towards him. I must have been radiating something because he immediately looked up and asked, “What’s wrong?”
“Oh, nothing. Just my darling husband sent me off into the great unknown looking like I’m about to birth a three headed calf while my chest could apparently provide enough nourishment for Angelina and Brad’s growing tribe.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” He looked hot, tired and confused. “I like the girls.” Said as he tried to dip a finger in the cleavage.
Smacking it away, I hissed, “They ALL think I’m pregnant!!!”
“Oh. That’s pretty shitty.” He’s back to trying to cop a feel.
“It’s all your fault!!!”
That stopped him cold. “How do you figure that?”
I mustered all the indignity I could and whispered loudly, “I ASKED you if this top made me look fat!”
Dumbass.
“Well it doesn’t. But in my defense, you never asked if it made you look pregnant.” The facker was grinning and back to trying to stick his finger between my boobs. “You gotta learn to ask the right questions, darlin.”
Lesson learned. And I’m burning that top.
August 17th, 2007 at 10:14 am
“you never asked if it made you look pregnant…” HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Those silly men. But on the bright side, at least he’s not one of those dumbasses who think pregnant=fat. He clearly sees the difference.
August 17th, 2007 at 10:23 am
Hey…you do what you gotta do to make the girls look good. I say flaunt the shirt about when you’re around people who don’t know what the girls normally look like. That way…they think you just have big tits…and not pregnant ones.
By the way…I love Boo more and more every day. My husband often sticks his fingers down my clevage too…..MEN! I think it’s hereditary…G-Man sticks his entire arm & hand down my clevage…and I’ve just taught him the term “Boobies”. It’s freakin hilarious…however I think I’ve ruined his future girlfriend/wife with his groping.
One more generation of clevage grabbers!
August 17th, 2007 at 10:26 am
Well, Boo does have a point.
Did it have an empire waist? Because all of those damn things make me look pregnant. Stupid fashion.
August 17th, 2007 at 10:32 am
These men of ours can be so literal. It’s nice when their oversights work themselves into a hilrarious ending to a blog post, though
August 17th, 2007 at 10:33 am
What? No photo?
I thought I knew you.
August 17th, 2007 at 11:03 am
Pregnant boobs are hot boobs. Rock it, T.
August 17th, 2007 at 11:06 am
That happened to me too - but I went into the bathroom and cried for 15 minutes. (In my own defense, I was PMSing - and I’m pretty sure I look a lot pregnanter than you do.)
August 17th, 2007 at 11:15 am
Match point, Boo. That’s some funny shizz.
August 17th, 2007 at 11:15 am
I have IBS and the bloating is ridiculous even more so when the rest of me is quite slim, so yes I know this one, the rumours have been circulating for ever in my town that I’m expecting! Keep trying to explain that I would have had to actually have sex for that to be a possibility…
August 17th, 2007 at 11:15 am
At least you got big boobs out of it. My mom is convinced that whenever I’m pregnant, I look like I have a mustache. Charming.
August 17th, 2007 at 11:36 am
That’s men for you, blinded by the boobies. All the direct questions in the world wouldn’t move their gaze from the girls.
These days I’d take all the pregnancy questions I could handle if someone thought my boobs looked magnificent.
August 17th, 2007 at 12:03 pm
Damn, that’s harsh. I must thank you for the perfect play by play on the digit dipping ‘tween the girls, who knew that was so universal.
August 17th, 2007 at 1:01 pm
Heh. I’m staying as far away from that new style of top as I can possibly get.
August 17th, 2007 at 1:06 pm
I love tops like that and I am fully aware that I look about 5 months along when I wear them — I guess the upside is that nobody will give you a dirty look when you’re buying ice cream!
Amd guys, they’re so clueless!
August 17th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
This is exactly why you have friends in the computer, honey. Because we will be honest about how the top makes you look.
So let’s see it. I promise not to hoot and holler too loud.
August 17th, 2007 at 1:45 pm
I saw pictures of you from BlogHer and I can’t imagine that you look pregnant. The older generation just doesn’t understand why anyone would wear an empire waisted shirt if not pregnant. Just as they don’t understand why pregnant women wear shirts that mold around their pregnant bellies nowadays.
I am sure you looked lovely in that purple shirt.
August 17th, 2007 at 2:34 pm
Ha! That Boo, smart man - and playful to boot! Not a bad combo, that!
August 17th, 2007 at 3:15 pm
This is why I haven’t bought any clothing since January. Everything I see on the racks looks it was taken from the Maternity section.
August 17th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
You weren’t clear enough with Boo the same way I wasn’t clear with Dad2Amara when I told him over the phone, “My water broke. I’m on my way to the hospital.” He sat at home. I apparently forgot to tell him he should join me there for the birth of his daughter.
August 17th, 2007 at 5:14 pm
Auntie and Uncle broke the rules. One simply DOESN’T go there.
August 17th, 2007 at 5:19 pm
Send it to Mothergoosemouse.
Unless you really are pregnant?!
(See. I like to start rumors. It’s good for traffic)
August 17th, 2007 at 6:10 pm
Remind me not to buy a top like that. I just got asked last weekend when my baby was due. I pointed back to my husband, holding Mira, and said, “She was due about three months ago.”
August 17th, 2007 at 7:46 pm
You said it yourself, “The question every husband dreads hearing”. We cannot win when that question is asked. Never. I give Boo credit though, he answered it the best way men can…he didnt really answer the question. He complimented your “McGuffies” instead, hoping you would drop it.
I relate the “do I look fat” question asked by women with the question all men want to know, but one we never ask…
“Honet, am I the best in bed?”
August 18th, 2007 at 7:22 am
Crap. Now you have me feeling nervous about my favorite top. It’s kinda loose and flowy at the bottom–which is a good thing after having four kids. I thought it was camouflaging my little pooch, but maybe it just makes me look fat or (eek) pregnant. Please show us a picture of this top or at least describe it so the rest of us can avoid making this mistake.
Oh but I did have nice boobs when I was nursing. Sometimes I miss them just a little.
August 18th, 2007 at 7:31 am
The McGuffies? Seriously? You guys are hilarious!
I tried on a nice top the other day that was in that empire waist style. I used to rock that look when I was 20 but now it’s too much like maternity wear and with kids ages 2-1/2 and 1? Please, I just stopped wearing that stuff.
August 18th, 2007 at 10:48 am
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Are you sure you aren’t married to my husband too?? Or maybe he is my hubby’s long lost brother… Thanks for the laugh though!
August 18th, 2007 at 11:11 am
That’s just rotten.
But that’s probably why nobody’s been assuming I’m pregnant. They just think I’m getting fat.
August 18th, 2007 at 11:39 am
Oh lord! My deepest fears realized…. Damn the shortness and these g*d* empire waist tops that are in fashion
August 18th, 2007 at 4:03 pm
oh, what brave - that’s my polite word for it - family members you have. i never comment on a woman being pregnant unless she actually has a baby emerging from between her legs.
and the empire tops? yeh…i just spent two years pregnant. i want to vaguely resemble something non-breeding for awhile.
August 18th, 2007 at 4:23 pm
I have one of those tops. Only there were no magnificient boobie comments to go with it, just the preggo questions. When I challenged my man as to why he let me go out in it, he said he thought I was “going for that look”. Nice.
August 18th, 2007 at 6:55 pm
oh those shirts are such a mixed blessing - makes the girls look great AND you can hit the all you can eat buffet without the love handles popping out. on the other, i too have received the preggers comment when wearing one. however, i pick buffet!
August 18th, 2007 at 7:48 pm
Didn’t anybody warn you about this season’s fashions? I’ve hardly had to buy any maternity tops. Everything makes you look 5 months pregnant.
Which is great, when you’re 7 months pregnant.
August 19th, 2007 at 12:26 am
You getting fat? Looking pregnant? GTFO! I’ve seen you in person so i can vouch for this being so damn far from the truth… I’d sooner believe George Bush is a woman!
And thanks for the offer of the lovely, boob-enhancing purple shirt though I hope like hell I won’t need it (which is to say I still haven’t peed on a stick OR gotten my effing bitch friend)
August 19th, 2007 at 4:14 am
LOL!!!! I’ve come to believe that as long as my redneck is willing to sneak off to the bedroom for “a nap” (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) then it doesn’t matter if the rest of the world thinks I resemble a hippo.
That said, my girls have a tendency to fall out of everything. Bras, t-shirts, my armpits…..
Oh sorry. TMI.
August 19th, 2007 at 7:56 am
hey, don’t forget your girlfriend thought you looked good, too, though…
I’ve learned to feed Misterpie the acceptable answers to questions like that right in the question:
Does this look good, or is it not flattering?
Can I get away with this, or is it not working?
Saves me from hearing something I don’t want, and him from that panicky feeling men seem to get.
August 19th, 2007 at 10:15 am
McGuffies - LOL
August 19th, 2007 at 12:38 pm
Dude. I’m jealous.
My pregnant boobs have taken over so much of my being that they mock the cute empire tops. Quadraboob. That’s me.
Have you seen a woman wearing an empire top where the seam cuts across her nipples instead of tucks daintily underneath the girls? Yeah. Not so attractive.
August 19th, 2007 at 1:08 pm
I think I know the top of which you speak - the BF actually did tell me mine made me look pregnant - AFTER we had left the house.
August 19th, 2007 at 8:21 pm
sigh. i miss you.
come over. i have rum.
August 20th, 2007 at 9:55 am
Wow, I go away for a few days of vacation and come back to learn of your larger than usual boobs and your mistaken pregnancy. Poor Boo….he never saw it coming, did he? LOL
August 20th, 2007 at 12:13 pm
Those empire waist tops do nothing. For anyone. Never have. never will.
But I am sure your boobs were spectacular.
August 20th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
Hahaha … very funny. Thanks for the laugh.
I am hesitant to buy the “in” tops with the empire waist … BECAUSE, I am afraid people might think I am pregnant and I don’t think I could handle it.
August 20th, 2007 at 2:13 pm
I am rolling over here. “You never asked if it makes you look pregnant.” What a man!
August 20th, 2007 at 4:18 pm
Just today I was listening to the radio, and I caught the DJ saying something about empire waistlines and how everyone is walking around looking like they’re pregnant. Don’t burn your shirt. It’s cool - everyone is doin’ it.
August 20th, 2007 at 5:46 pm
Looking pregnant is the new looking like a crack whore trend
August 20th, 2007 at 7:45 pm
Sometimes I believe Boo pretends to be that dumb… I hope he does.
Men…
And him with the finger in the boobs? Priceless… totally priceless.
Burn the shirt.
August 21st, 2007 at 3:28 am
LMAO… you are just a riot! Love it love it.
August 21st, 2007 at 6:56 am
i have been blogging for over a year and somehow just stumbled onto your site for the first time last night….i spent over an hour reading posts out loud to my husband while i laughed so hard i cried! he thinks that maybe you might be my twin…especially that wife’s night off post..sooo funny! oh and i’m 4″11 brunette, pregnant and i have ddd boobs! (and you write the stuff i’m usually afraid to) just had to know how much we enjoyed reading your blog…we will be back!
August 21st, 2007 at 7:59 am
I don’t think we can accurately comment without seeing the goods. Bust ‘em out and then we can all make an informed response.
You also didn’t mention the bra status: commando, push-up, padded, athletic? I’m guessing commando since you were concerned they might pop out.
Come on T, little more info please.
August 21st, 2007 at 10:00 am
What no pics of you in said top ?
Smart guy , that Boo! I guess you really didn’t ask the right question did you LOL
ehh, regardless I’m sure you looked hot
August 21st, 2007 at 12:13 pm
I’m glad to see you found a good use for that purple top!! (Ok, so I’m a bit late here, but still…!)
January 7th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
look i for one think one of gods cruelest tricks was giving me huge tatas when i as preggers then taking them bastards away leaving the girls a bit lower and not half as perky as they started out….
ill take preggers lookin boobs over the ones im left with now….
but then again, i like empire waist shirts coz they hide the almost 3 year old baby fat i havent made any attempt to loose….
January 7th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
i mean….that ive been trying to loose ALL THIS TIME!