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The Power of the Purple Shirt
Most husbands show their love a variety of ways. The occasional bouquet of flowers, a shiny bauble or even the impromptu picking up their shit dirty socks with out being asked.
Not my man.
No, he prefers a bolder method of announcing his love.
He buys me appliances. Now that my friends, is true love.
After seeing me stroking Karen and George and whispering sweet words of love to them countless times over how efficient the new appliances were, he decided it was time to replace several other appliances, namely our fridge, stove and deep freezer.
In his mind, appliances equal unbridled sex.
In my mind, appliances equal well, unbridled sex. (There is a reason we have been happily married for so long. This man gets me.)
Because his plans for the summer fell through and he spent the majority of it busting his ass, surrounded by other sweaty men busting their asses, instead of at home with his family, he decided to bribe pony up a few grand to add to our clan of shiny new electronic appliances.
I now have a sparkling white, energy efficient, french door, bottom pullout-freezer-drawer refrigerator; a glass top stove with convention oven that is electric blue on the inside (for all that baking I never do); and a stand up deep-freeze so that I may never again bend over and fall into our chest high freezer while searching for that last elusive package of ground beef.
He’s so thoughtful it kills me.
However, since he is out of town and the appliance dudes called to say they were on their way out with our new family members, I had a bit of a problem. How the hell was I going to get the old ones out of my house to make room for the new ones with the spagetti arms I sport? The kids would be of no assistance, a strong wind could blow them away. I was on my own with no muscle in site to lend a hand.
I did what any good wife would do.
I called up Boo to whine about my hardship. He, however, was unsympathetic.
“Just ask the delivery guys to move them for you.”
No shit sherlock. Like I hadn’t thought of that. “Thanks Boo, but when they called for directions this morning, the lady clearly stated it wasn’t in the men’s job description to remove old appliances, just bring in the new ones.”
Like, duh.
“Well, I guess you’re scewed. Listen, I’ve gotta go. Someone is on fire and we want to stand around and roast marshmallows while we wait for the rescue team to arrive.”
“Wow. You really are helpful today. Have fun with that.” Asshole. Since he was about as interested in my dilemma as he was in tweezing my nose hairs, I wandered into my closet and thought to myself, how would a resourceful, pathetically weak, with no one to call, woman solve this problem?”
The answer was folded up neatly on the top shelf.
The purple shirt.
Aha!
Noting the time, I quickly ran to the bathroom, shook out my hair and gave it a good brushing, slapped on some blush, dug through my mound of folded, yet still-not-put-away clothing and pulled out my secret weapon.
Shrugging into the slightly ill-fitting, yet surprisingly flattering white pushup bra, I grabbed the purple shirt and tossed it on just as the delivery truck was beeping it’s way up my driveway.
Praying I wouldn’t scar my kids for life, I figured I had two options. First option, I could pretend to be in a delicate condition. Men are suckers for knocked up chicky, stuck in the woods with out a big, strapping man to help her out.
If that didn’t work, I’d use plan B.
I’d push up the girls and bat my eyelashes. After all, what good are newly grown guns if they can’t get a few men to move some heavy, old appliances for her?
I do feel a little bad. My darling bird Lester decided to pull a Houdini and escape his cage. Before I could catch him he landed on one of the men’s shoulders and took a dump.
He wasn’t amused.
Secretly, I was. But only after wishing the earth would open up and swallow me. As I blushed with mortification, my fucking, soon to have his feathers plucked bird chirped happily and then squeezed between his birdcage bars, safe from my grasp to have a laugh on the stupid humans.
After wishing me and the kids well while staring at my cleavage, the men climbed into their big truck to go deliver more appliances like manna from heaven. As the kids were hauling the boxes off into the woods to go make a fort, the phone rang.
“Hello?”
“Did you get the appliances moved, darlin?” I could hear the sound of money being made in the background as Boo spoke.
“Sure did. And the new appliances are soooo pretty. I can’t wait to rub them.”
“Anything to make you happy sugar. Just remember who your daddy is when I get home.”
“Oh that won’t be hard to forget. It has to be the appliance dude. Even our bird, Lester, loved him.”
“Very funny. Did you have any problems getting them to move the old appliances for you?”
“Nah. It was easier than I thought.”
“Really. How’d you manage that?” I could tell he was really curious now. “Did you offer them favours?
“No funny man. They were charmed by me and my natural assets.”
“You mean you had your boobs hanging out.”
“Yep. A girl has to do what a girl has to do.”
“Harumph.” Apparently, he didn’t like this too much.
“Don’t worry Boo. I wore the purple shirt. They thought I was knocked up. They felt sorry for me, what with two wild children, a festering bird and no man in sight. They were just being kind. Suckers.” Snicker.
“You’re horrible.”
“Yah, but I’m horrible with three spanky new appliances and the old ones out on the deck. I think I may have to wear this shirt and wander around town looking for buyers who need slightly used, old appliances for cheap.”
“I’m gonna burn that shirt when I get home.”
“Ah honey. I love you too.”
August 21st, 2007 at 10:25 am
Ok, the girls look great. But DUDE! You do not look one whit preggers in that shirt! Anyone who thinks so must be so blinded by your boobs as to be temporarily insane.
August 21st, 2007 at 10:31 am
i get more than an idea. in fact, it brings back rum flavored memories.
i’ll move appliances for you any day of the week.
August 21st, 2007 at 10:34 am
I’d have been disappointed if you didn’t whip out the heavy artillery. Flaunt ‘em while you’ve got ‘em!
August 21st, 2007 at 10:42 am
Bow chicka bow wow! Mmmm hmmm!
August 21st, 2007 at 10:45 am
Really - it is what good boobs are made for - and live for!
August 21st, 2007 at 10:45 am
Ok, I totally have that shirt in black! And, unfortunately, it does make me look a bit preggers. But it works for the girls, if you know what I mean. You, however, do not look pregnant in the slightest!
August 21st, 2007 at 10:46 am
Yes! I knew you’d come through. Damn, that’s a superpower I will, apparently, never possess.
And you do NOT look pregnant. Puh-lease.
August 21st, 2007 at 10:48 am
you do not look pregnant! Right, I shall have to post a picture on my post as to what a ‘not pregnant but still gets mistaken for one’ looks like! I spent all day Sunday at a wedding trying to convince people I wasnt expecting, “Are you sure?” was heard more than once…!
August 21st, 2007 at 10:50 am
Oooohhh….who sells it and what other colors does it come in? You look really skinny in that shirt…and your jugs are huge! Definitely not pregnant-looking….
I see no reason for Boo to complain….he did leave you to your own devices…nothing wrong with flaunting your tits. I did just a couple of weekends ago…to everyone and their brother while semi-skinny-dipping.
August 21st, 2007 at 10:55 am
I agree w/all who said the shirt looks great. I love it and want one for me too:) And NO YOU DO NOT LOOK PREGNANT! Not 100% pregnant! You are skinnier than me and I still have baby weight from giving birth 7 months ago to my son.
August 21st, 2007 at 11:01 am
I’m still laughing about the bird crap.
And keep the shirt - you probably wouldn’t look pregnant until you hit your seventh month.
August 21st, 2007 at 11:02 am
You so do NOT look pregnant in that shirt! But the girls look beautiful.
August 21st, 2007 at 11:09 am
Hot!! You look hot! Hell, I’d of moved the fridge for you!
August 21st, 2007 at 11:23 am
Work it baby!
August 21st, 2007 at 11:25 am
I love new appliances, and I love making men do what I want! Way to go on both fronts.
August 21st, 2007 at 11:26 am
dear lord, i’m drooling at work, woman. you saucy wench, put those back where they belong and let me do my, erm, business.
but you don’t look pregnant, darlin’…honest.
August 21st, 2007 at 11:58 am
rroowrrr! I think it’s less the purple shirt, and more the sweater monkeys that hold it up…
August 21st, 2007 at 12:05 pm
Those gals don’t look like they’d ever let you down. I’m jealous of them, and the new appliances.
August 21st, 2007 at 12:10 pm
Holy moly, three kids and you look fantastic. Those boys must have kept their legs crossed all the way home in that delivery truck!!
August 21st, 2007 at 12:11 pm
A household full of old appliances: $ A few dollars
A truckload of new appliances: $Thousands
A purple shirt with magical powers: $50
A work shirt with bird poop on it: $25
Spending a day looking at those girls dressed up: PRICELESS
With an outfit like that I would have emptied the whole house, swept it and moved everything back in. Pregnant no, Perky a definate yes
August 21st, 2007 at 12:42 pm
Good job using what God gave ya to get those moved!
Some would say…
tit-for-tat!
August 21st, 2007 at 1:00 pm
I need the purple boobs to go with the purple shirt.
Or really any color boobs will do.
August 21st, 2007 at 1:02 pm
That shirt is great! It totally does NOT make you look pregnant.
August 21st, 2007 at 1:29 pm
The girls and you look fabulous in that shirt. Who the hell said you looked preggers??? Need glasses those people do, but apparently not the delivery guys. Way to work the assets
August 21st, 2007 at 1:45 pm
Are you kidding me…the last thing you look is pregnant.
Like I said it my last comment - “I’m sure you looked hot”
and I was right.
August 21st, 2007 at 2:18 pm
You are one smart cookie. And, I have to say, your family– the ones who thought you look pregnant– they’re all crazy! Your tummy looks flaaaat in that shirt. I’d say you shouldn’t throw it away after all.
August 21st, 2007 at 2:19 pm
Congratulations on the cleavage! Oh, and for getting the appliances moved without lifting a finger!
August 21st, 2007 at 2:47 pm
I have to admit, I would have done the same. I have used the girls and a well positioned bra to get things done, too. I have to say, though, I don’t think you look at all pregnant, or fat for that matter. I say go ahead and wear the shirt, you look great.
August 21st, 2007 at 3:00 pm
Where do I get a shirt like that?
August 21st, 2007 at 3:08 pm
I need to send you some of my boobs. Wouldn’t that be nice?!
Using one assets is key when working with men…especially men who can move heavy things. I say use it if it ya got it.
August 21st, 2007 at 3:23 pm
How the HELL did anyone get the idea you were knocked up? Wait that came out wrong…ummmm…next attempt: nice tummy and excellent rack.
Oh, this redneck in the South still has you beat in things we’re collecting in our backyard but you do have a nice start.
August 21st, 2007 at 3:29 pm
Holy tit - I mean shit!
Actually, I don’t think the shirt makes you look preggers. At. All.
I wish I was that slim!
August 21st, 2007 at 4:12 pm
WHOO, TITS! I have no shame either–remember that time I hitched up the mules and invaded that EEG tech’s personal space in order to read the report? Ya gotta do what ya gotta do, and at the end of the day, you got the job done. More power to ya. And Lester? Totally clip his frigging wings already.
August 21st, 2007 at 4:25 pm
the shirt is so cute, but honestly, you don’t look pregnant at all.
August 21st, 2007 at 4:25 pm
I still can’t believe your husbands family has the NERVE to think you were pregnant in that top. You look fab! Seriously I would look like a purple tent that ran into Barney the dinosaur in that thing.
August 21st, 2007 at 5:07 pm
To quote some very famous actors from days past…”Schwing!”
An armless starving eunuch couldn’t help but offer to move your refrigerator (on his back?) if he saw you in that shirt! That’s how hot you are.
August 21st, 2007 at 6:06 pm
Bahahahahaha!!!! Those mover guys never knew what hit em.. you soooo do not look pregnant.
The family is blind, your hot. Not pregnant. Just hot.
August 21st, 2007 at 6:17 pm
Why would you toss the shirt? KEEP THE SHIRT.
August 21st, 2007 at 6:31 pm
I must concur with the whole, “You don’t look at all pregnant” movement. WTF?
August 21st, 2007 at 6:52 pm
oh honey your puppies look great!
August 21st, 2007 at 8:07 pm
Luv the hypnotic power of purple, But where is the plaid mini skirt? We would have moved those appliances for you T, if we weren’t stuck in a northern traffic jam. It ain’t easy being up here either. Later.
August 21st, 2007 at 9:41 pm
Man, I have them, but I wouldn’t have thought of using them! I admire your resourcefulness!! I always forget the usefulness of - ahem - natural gifts!
August 22nd, 2007 at 3:32 am
Nicely done… And if you’re pregnant, I’m a monkey’s uncle
August 22nd, 2007 at 12:28 pm
I’m with all the “no way does that shirt make you look pregnant” people, only less cleverly and charmingly said. I’m off today–so sue me.
And the Girls are lookin’ hot. But you know I’m just jealous ’cause I wasn’t at BlogHer to get fondled.
August 22nd, 2007 at 12:33 pm
NICE RACK! Witt wooo!
August 22nd, 2007 at 2:52 pm
OMG - You look great. You must have lost weight already.
I would KILL for that body. Although I have killer DDDs that are registered as dangerous weapons (to me as I run downstairs naked!).
Congrats on the new appliances. I still open my new oven sometimes just to see the light come on automatically.
August 22nd, 2007 at 3:11 pm
YOU are toooo funny. And just so ya know, I don’t think you look a bit pregnant in that shirt……….. kinda hot actually
August 22nd, 2007 at 6:11 pm
You in *no* way look pregnant or even the slightest bit fat in that shirt! What was your aunt smoking? It is a great boob shirt, though. Unfortunately this does not quell the insecurity your first post raised about my own favorite shirt.
August 23rd, 2007 at 6:27 am
Nice rack, T.
August 23rd, 2007 at 9:12 pm
YES I love that you wore the purple shirt we got together lol. It looks way better on you than me!
August 24th, 2007 at 1:43 am
Right, I’ve posted my pic om my site, this is why I get mistaken for being preggers when I’m not! x
August 24th, 2007 at 5:18 am
Whatever you have to do honey! Stupid me….I paid the Sears guys $10 to haul away the washing machine that would have cost as much to fix as the new one cost to buy. Course, I have a few years on you, so the guys would have probably had to lift the shirt from the bottom to see my boobs!
And as for the old appliances…may I recommend Craigslist.com. It’s awesome…this week alone I have sold a full bed, a queen bed, a king bedroom suite and a pool heater!!! Love it!
August 27th, 2007 at 10:37 am
OMG! I was away and am just catching up now on blogs. But I have to say that you so don’t look knocked up in that shirt! I look more preggers on any given day than you do in the purple shirt! So not what I was expecting!
June 23rd, 2008 at 2:44 am
Just saw your web site on TV:
Headline News “News to Me” show @ 2:40am, Pacific time in the United States.
Love it! I’ll definetly have to come back for more.
PS Nice boobs!