Attack of the Redneck Mommy

It was one of those mornings when the alarm clock was obsolete. Before it began it’s morning shrieks to drag my sorry ass up and out from the warm cocoon of my bed, I was up and pacing softly with Nixon right along side me. Back and forth I walked, trying to remain quiet and wishing I had trimmed my damn dog’s nails.

It’s hard to be quiet as a church mouse when Nixon’s long little coke nails scrape and scratch along the floor, all but waking up the dead.

Finally the moment I had been waiting for arrived.

I bounded into the hallway before my children’s bedrooms, simultaneously threw open their doors and yelled, “Good morning Sunshine! Time to rise and get your little asses on to the school bus!”

As they were moaning and trying to bury their pretty blonde heads back into the pillows I was doing a dancing jig outside of their doors, singing “Mommy’s got a day off, suckers. Na na na boo boo!” Sung in the most irritating sing song voice I could muster.

I’m thoughtful like that. It amazes me they haven’t packed their bags and started looking for a new home.

As they puttered about trying to find the newest, coolest outfit that I sold my soul to buy for them, I danced my way to the kitchen and hummed about how great life is.

What’s better than ten months of sweet, child-free days, I thought to myself while making as much racket as I could muster while fixing them a nourishing, warm breakfast poured their Cheerios into a bowl.

Fric finally popped out of her room, showered and changed and looking like a scary, grimacing preteen bucket of sunshine sporting a murderous look pout. “It’s not fair,” she whined as she sat down to eat her soggy cereal.

“What’s not fair?” To me, on this holy day, all is right as rain in my world.

“We have to get up so early and go to school. Why can’t we just stay home and learn from here?” Sad blue eyes stare questioningly at me.

“Think of what you just said, Fric. Do you really want to be home schooled with ME as your teacher?” The mere idea sent chills of fear up my spine.

“Oh. Ya. Never mind.” She suddenly looked as freaked out as I felt. Banishing any thoughts of home schooling from our heads, she began eating her breakfast rather sullenly as I noted the time and wondered what was taking her brother so long.

“Frac! Get your arse out here! You’re gonna miss the fabulous breakfast I made for you and be stuck eating paper until -”

Before I even finished my sentence Frac wandered out, decked out a la gangsta style, with his jeans halfway down his ass, his underwear showing, an oversized hoodie and capping the look off with a cap on backwards.

“Yo, Tupac, you’re not going to school with your tighty whitey’s waving hello to all the world. Go put on a belt, or find some suspenders and ditch the cap. What happened to that nice striped button up shirt I bought you?”

“I’m wearing it!” Frac suddenly yanked up the hoodie which could have fit three pregnant ladies and their dogs inside it. Sure enough, the snazzy shirt was there, unbuttoned, wrinkled and covered by the hoodie.

“Tell you what, Frac. Since I’m in such a great mood, I’ll let you take off the good shirt and throw on a tee shirt, as long as you yank up your knickers. Because if you really think I’m gonna let you waddle out of this house with your ass crack showing, then I’m gonna have to take drastic measures.”

Apparently, this small child of mine was nonplussed. He shrugged, thereby testing his mother’s patience and playing chicken with his life. He must have noticed the dangerous twitch I suddenly developed in my left eye because he reluctantly turned around and went into his bedroom to change. As he walked away his underwear flashed like a big ole neon sign saying “Pants me! Please!”

He emerged looking more like the child I birthed and less like some hoodlum in the inner city and all was right with my world again. I took note of the time and realized it was time to give them the bum’s rush out the door. Heaving their overstuffed knapsacks, I walked them outside.

I could hear the bus rumbling down the road on it’s way to pick up my angels. I kissed them and told them to get their little asses in gear. That bus was not to be missed. As they trudged down the driveway, I ran into the house and grabbed my camera. I could hear the bus turning onto our corner. I had to time this just right.

Counting to three, I ran out the door and down the driveway, yelling “Mommy loves you! Have a good day!” just as the bus was pulling up to our drive. Fric and Frac were dying at the site of their wild-haired mother flying down the drive way in only her robe and slippers.

“Turn around and say cheese for me, kiddies! Smile for your mommy!” Hee hee.

“MOM! You’re EMBARRASSING us!” Was it my imagination or were they turning beat red?

“What? I couldn’t hear you,” I yelled back. “You want me to walk you onto the bus? Give you hugs and kisses in front of all the other kids? Sure thing. But smile first!”

(Good thing the bus driver is a buddy of mine and has the patience of a saint. She seems to enjoy when I torture my children for entertainment purposes.)

I clicked my picture, and then bent to down to kiss them. Sadly, I don’t have to bend as far as I used to. Frac just shook her head and tried to pretend she didn’t recognize the crazy woman standing outside the bus. Fric, however, was dying a thousand deaths as his tough kid image died with every kiss and hug I planted on him.

“Ever gonna wear those pants like that again?” I whispered in his ear.

“No. I PROMISE Mom! Now please just go!!!” he said, as he looked around to see how many kids were watching us.

I relented and let them go, winking at the angel sent from heaven bus driver.

“Don’t forget to wash your hands after you go to the bathroom!!!” I screamed as the doors pulled shut. I could see Frac was hunched down on his seat, trying to pretend I didn’t exist. I debated about chasing the bus down the road while waving wildly behind it, but nixed the idea.

My coffee was getting cold. And there is always tomorrow.

Happy first day of school to all you Moms and Dads out there. May you enjoy your day as much as I will.