I am a sucker for some big blue eyes. As evidenced each time I let a certain pair of blue eyes sucker me into having yet another squalling bundle of baby shit and future hostile teenager. But this time, my fondness for baby blues and the owners attached to them, delivered me not another child, but more pea brained pets.
I could handle one pet. Nixon, the World’s Greatest Dog. Ever. Four little legs and one over active bladder. Within months a year we had the bladder problem resolved. I only had to strap on a diaper a couple times. How’s that for progress?
Then, in a moment of monumental stupidity and grief-induced weakness, I brought home Abe and Lester. Otherwise known as the fucking birds. It’s been nothing but flying feathers, birdshit bombs and swooping chickens intent on plucking out my eyes ever since.
My own little Prison Break stars routinely escape to taunt poor Nixon. They sit on the edge of his food bowl, whispering words of challenge in their bird speak and then fly out of reach just as the poor dog lunges at them. I can hear them cackling all the way to their cage.
Still, I could handle all the wildlife under my roof, until last week. When the daughter’s big blue eyes suckered me into buying her hamsters for her birthday. Not just one, but two little shitting rats in my home.
All of a sudden we have two hamsters, each in their little plastic balls rolling across the floor running for their lives from Nixon, the World’s Greatest Dog, Ever. who is intent on having himself a hamster snack. Followed closely by Abe and Lester, my facking birds who find great delight in swooping in and shitting everywhere. Followed closely by Fric and Frac who are trying to make sure Nixon doesn’t have a ham sandwich or a chicken finger; the rats er hamsters don’t escape their plastic havens and run into the furnace ducts; and the facking birds don’t fly into the window or behead themselves with the ceiling fan.
My house, the neighbourhood zoo. Complete with freaks and a sideshow.
Come on over, admission is free if you bring a bottle of red…
Turns out, those little rats were the straws that broke this mother’s back. I set out to win back control of my house. But only after I stepped in something wet. And then a step later, something warm. Turns out, those plastic rat balls in which your rodent can freely roam the confines of it’s enviroment have breathing holes. Toilet holes, really.
Like dealing with pigeon shit was fun. Now my darling children expected me to cope with rat crap? I don’t fucking think so, my lovelies.
Vowing this would be the last time I wiped crap off my feet, I rallied for war. Short of nuking all animals less than ten inches tall (no, I’m positive that is chicken in your soup. I made it myself, darling. Snicker.) I had to find a more acceptable, more responsible way of handling the situation with out hearing the inevitable “I told you so’s” from my dickhead darling husband.
Three hours later the war was won.
Ha ha ha, I jeered into their cage. No longer will you be able to shit on my lamp shades. No longer will you be able to taunt my dog. Alright, so it’s too bad you can’t escape to eat the rats, but you probably never would have eaten the smelly critters anyways. I’ll forgive you. Best of all, no longer will you swoop down and try to yank my boob ring from my naked body as I lie sleeping.
Suckas.
However, this posed a problem. What do I do with a slightly used birdcage?
Think woman, think.
I wonder if the hubs would fit…
42 Comments
If he doesn’t fit, I have a very large bird cage here that I once shoved 3 of the inmates into.. you know.. just to see.
Careful wth the hamsters.. those suckers breed faster then rabbits. ANd they eat their young. I’m still traumatized 15 years later from the sight of it.
How is it that Nixon looks to have blue eyes, also?
The Milton Zoo feels your pain. We are overrun with pets…ack.
{We do covet Nixon. Favorite breed ever.}
That is great….now I am thinking of getting a couple for my grass chimps as well! Make sure those hampsters are of the same sex or gay because if you think you are the neighbourhood zoo now, just wait. I’ll bet you Boo would fit in there…for a treat.
Nice new cage! Birdies will be happy in that one! I’m sure Boo would fit… he can squish if he has to right?
Do you get the Poop Off wipey’s for all the bird crap? I bet they would work inside those hamster balls too.
T., T., T.
Thanks for making me laugh!
Could you fit all three of them in there at the same time, with the hamsters? Now that would be fun to watch.
Brilliant!!! I love Nixon’s moping stare!
Haha I don’t have any pets. This post reminded me why.
I think The Man would definitely fit…with a little elbow grease =]
Yep lube that sucker up and I’m sure you could get Boo in there.
But beware he might ask you to try and get in there with him for something kinky.
This was my favorite post! Probably bc someone has more pets than we do! Yay!
Ouch. We’re only dealing with a cat and a goldfish.
But.. wait a minute. But forget blue eyes. You had me at boob ring…
My daughter came home, recently, and asked for hamsters. I slammed on the brakes, turned around and in no uncertain words told her, No way in hell would I welcome rats into my home. It broke her little heart, but with me as her mother she has to get use to it.
I thought you were tougher than this. Although, keeping my kids in cages might be just want I need to make it through the day.
I so needed to see that. I so did.
This could be something for Racy Red.
ahem.
Your kids are such good sports! Looks like you all have fun together.
We have at our zoo, 1 hamster named homer, 2 african frogs named Bert and Earnie, 2 pains in the asses a/k/a beagles named Clyde and Tyler, 1 kitten (a Walmart special) named Isabella and a 15 y/o female known as the “TEEN TUDE” and a 6 y/o boy named “DA BRAT”. Our zoo welcomes vistors and charges an admission of 1 bottle of St. James Velvet Red wine.
How much do I love thee? Let me count the wings … I mean ways …
I’m pretty sure your husband would fit, you might have to hack him up a little but I’m sure all the pieces would fit, eventually.
Have fun with the animals. Sucker!
Re: Boob ring - ouch and ouch!
If we cut him in half, I bet he’d fit.
And maybe one of these days Nixon will give the rats a heart attack. Are hamsters white meat?
I love it!
God, they are good sports, those kids.
My parents once put my hamster away and didn’t close the flap on the cage, resulting in yes, a hamster in the heathing ducts that they found with only a furnace filter between him and the fires of death (except luckily it was July or he would hav had some hot feet). For the record, I was away at the time, so it was DEFINITELY them.
giggle. snicker.
I am NEVER letting the boys get hamsters now.
Or birds . . . although the sight of the kids and dog in those cages may jut be enough to change my mind.
Just make him wear it around his head…..
HA HA HA
I have a similar picture of my daughter in my Mom’s dog crate!
I know how you feel about living in a zoo… I have 4 cats along with the 3 (sometimes 4) kids, plus another kid on the way! And NO we won’t be getting another cat to even the score!!!
That’s freakin’ hilarious!
Lookit poor Nixon! Buahahahaaaaaaaa!
I just love you to death, woman.
*snort*
Damn, I need warning when you’re posting things like this - I had to run outta the room to keep my hysterical laughter from waking teh hubs up !
[rotflmao]
[spurts coffee on screen]
I love Fric and Frac in that cage!
Oh, and ‘Mother of the Year’? You have a surprise back at the Palace
cq
Love your site! Can’t wait to continue reading.
Ugh, hamsters. Be wary - I think it was hamster fatigue that finally convinced my parents to let us have another dog.
GREAT idea.
how often do you feed them?
LMAO!!!!! I have three dogs. That’s enough for me. And mine have very nice blue eyes, but I’m a total bitch.
Not like you. You’re too nice.
Though those last pics are giving me some GREAT ideas.
My kids have blue eyes. Not the dogs. Sorry. Mind went faster than fingers. Again.
Love the photos T…looks like a good use for the bird cage.
If you push hard enough…I’m sure you could squeeze Boo in there too.
Dave’s mom asked if she could buy Julia a hamster the other day. We said FUCK NO. Now Julia wants a hamster.
I told Dave I’d rather birds over a hamster.
I have sent those pictures to the Child Welfare League of Canada, and you should be getting a call pretty dam soon LOL
That is a riot.
Where do the blue eyes come from? The appliance delivery guy???
LOL
just joking
Craziequeen reminded me how WONDERFUL you are and I realized I had not been to visit in Ages & Ages….And here I am, and you did not disappoint! LOL! The kids in the cage is/are hilarious! And Nixon, too! You have quite a menagerie there, but you are handling it beautiful…keep them ALL Caged! (lol)
Congrats on your Award from CQ…Well deserved, my dear, truly well deserved!
You’ve reminded me that Webkinz aren’t so bad after all.
From the sounds of it, Boo can bend pretty good. I’m sure he’ll fit nooo problem.
Thx for the laugh T
I’ll gladly take that cage off your hands. my finches keep breeding….started with 2, now i have 8