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I Knew I Should Have Bribed the Music Teacher
Back in the days of yore, when I first discovered I was about to become a parent, I was filled with doubts and worry. I worried I wouldn’t be a good momma, I worried my child would grow up and hate me, and I worried my ass would grow to rival the size of small country.
A country where they subsist on coffee products and baked goods. Especially honey glazed donuts.
Clearly, I was young and hormonal. After all, I am a good mom (take that you adoption asshats), my children thus far think I hung the moon and my ass may want it’s own zip code to spread where ever it chooses, but I’m determined to keep it’s sprawl limited to the confines of jeans I already own.
(Or at least until I bend over and split the seams, thereby declaring an emergency shopping day for pants one size bigger...)
Over the years I have tried to be a good mother to my spawn. All right, so some days I have tried harder than others. How many points do I lose since I have yet to throw them a birthday party? I keep them fed. Not well, but they aren’t starving. I provide them with ample resources to fuel their minds. Ok, so I supply them with Google and drive them to the public library twice a week. I make sure they exercise their bodies to grow healthy and strong. So what if I make a little money on the side renting them out to local farmers so they can spend the day picking rocks from the fields. They’re exercising.
My point is, I have done my best to be a good parent to them. Including, but not limited to, playing chauffeur and driving their asses all over hell’s half acre to deliver them to extra curricular activities which cost a small fortune; entertaining a seemingly endless stream of neighbourhood children who wander in at all hours of the day and subjecting myself to one mindless class project after another, all in the name of being a good mommy.
So what does my daughter do to repay me for my efforts? She joins band. And brings home this:
The french horn. Also known as a tool of the devil. This is what I SHOULD have worried about back when I was gestating my children. How the hell I would survive band practice.
Now, between the dog’s barking, the birds chattering, the hamster’s constant churning of their wheel, the repetitive beat of Ms. Duff or Fergie that is continuously played by one child or the other, I have to listen to an eleven year old try and learn how to play the french horn.
Which sounds suspiciously similar to an elephant in heat trying to lure a willing partner while fighting off a trio of monkeys who are trying to remove his tusks with a dull butter knife to sell the ivory to a band of outlaw poachers.
Good times at my house. Good times.
And it will only get better. Frac informed me that he intends on trying out for either the tuba or the drums next year. Then I will have two of my very own band members to serenade me with their mating calls rehearsing.
For six more years. Until they graduate. (Or go batshit crazy and steal their instruments and ransom them back to the school…)
I’m trying to find an upside to this hell. Maybe if I buy them some sequined tops and leather bottoms, I could market them as the next Donnie and Marie.
Because everyone loves the french horn and the tuba, right?
October 1st, 2007 at 9:06 am
My first band instrument was french horn. My best friend and I both took it up. The day we brought them home, we sat in her back yard - by a lake - practicing. Which mostly involved making lots of noise. After a half hour, a warden from Dept. of Natural Resources showed up. The folks across the lake called in a panic because they thought there was a wounded moose somewhere.
This is a not a made-up story. I only wish it were. Invest in earplugs.
October 1st, 2007 at 9:28 am
My first instrument was the tenor sax.. still pissed off about it too, I wanted the drums.
I also remember the unholy noise that the thing made… I’m surprised my Mom didn’t go nuts. Like Hannah said invest in ear plugs and um.. declare shopping days alot too..
October 1st, 2007 at 9:43 am
heheh I played the trombone. Good times.
Maybe it’s time to sound-proof a room? Like your closet? That’s where the merlot is, isn’t it?
October 1st, 2007 at 9:46 am
I think that music teacher doesn’t like you, why else would she do this?
October 1st, 2007 at 9:48 am
Yea Shortman joined band. Then he found out what practice really meant. It lasted a year, and I got $20 back for a used clarinet.
October 1st, 2007 at 9:54 am
Avoid the tuba..convince your child that tuba will scar his social life for the duration of the time he remains in school (because it will)…if he really wants to join band, stick with something that may be socially acceptable like drums or saxophone. (Much better resale value when they quit)
October 1st, 2007 at 10:00 am
At least it’s not a violin. Seriously. Trust me on this one.
Although, dude, I think a tuba would be a close second.
October 1st, 2007 at 10:13 am
HA HA!
Band is good for the kids, I was a super band geek…. I played flute, and I have red hair. (Why are you thinking, “And this one time at band camp…”)
Anyhoo…. it COULD be worse…have you ever heard someone just learning the oboe? NOT PRETTY.
Or they could have picked the drums…..
October 1st, 2007 at 10:23 am
Is someone screaming in pain up your way? It sounds like it’s in an awful lot of pain!
October 1st, 2007 at 10:56 am
At least a french horn doesn’t render the ear-splitting squeals of a clarinet. Ugh.
October 1st, 2007 at 11:07 am
Yep go with the Donnie and Marie idea. Then you can live in the lap of luxury while they rake in the dough.
October 1st, 2007 at 11:30 am
I played trombone. I’m sure my parents loooooved that.
October 1st, 2007 at 12:22 pm
Warning: spit valves. ‘Nuff said. ;^)
And have you heard from the adoption asshats? Maybe I missed a post?
October 1st, 2007 at 12:48 pm
I am a self professed band geek myself. I played the flute and our school had a marching band no less. It did make for some great band trips to good ole Moose Jaw, SK during the highschool years lol.
My DD has joined the band geek club opting for the flute (like her Mom) unlike me she will NOT be going on band trips. I discovered the hard way that “what happens on band trips doesn’t always stay on band trips” Getting caught drinking = suspension who’da thunk??
October 1st, 2007 at 2:08 pm
well, yeah - of course. I played both (french horn and tuba). and trumpet, and flugle horn too.
just wait until marching band!
October 1st, 2007 at 4:21 pm
In my house, there was a piano, flute, trumpet, alto sax, and guitar. My poor, poor mother.
October 1st, 2007 at 4:40 pm
Yeah. It could have been worse.
I’m trying to think of how, but it could have been. I know it.
Just give me a few minutes.
October 1st, 2007 at 5:17 pm
True Confession: I played the trumpet, and they called me…Hot Lips.
A french horn is actually not so bad. It could be a drum set.
October 1st, 2007 at 5:22 pm
This is exactly how I felt when McRae brought home his recorder last year — complete with “Recorder Karate” lessons to practice at home. WTF? Music Teacher, hello? Trying to torture me for sure.
October 1st, 2007 at 6:02 pm
It could be worse—it could be the violin. Have you ever listened to an elementary school violin assembly? Oh god, that sound stays with you for a lifetime.
My only gripe with the french horn is the spit valve. Don’t get in its way, ever!
October 1st, 2007 at 6:02 pm
haha my brother was a band geek my parents pushed me to soccer … never got close to play anything other than soccer
October 1st, 2007 at 6:03 pm
ps - my brother got rich being a band geek … so being a band geek si not a bad thing! Soccer got me a screwed up ankle and bad knees … oh well!
October 2nd, 2007 at 3:13 am
My son wanted to play the tuba when he was five … we talked him into the piano.
French horn huh? Good luck with that my friend. It couldn’t have happened to a nicer gal
October 2nd, 2007 at 7:00 am
In my experience, they will drive you insane for 6 months, just as you get used to it and begin to actually recognise some tunes, HOORAH! You will buy them their own instrument because they are so good at it now….THEN and only then, they will give it up, instrument gathering dust, laughing at you from it’s expensive yet now untouched case.
October 2nd, 2007 at 7:06 am
Earplugs….and lots and lots of booze !!
October 2nd, 2007 at 7:54 am
Payback’s a bitch, ain’t it?
At least it’s not the drums.
October 2nd, 2007 at 9:51 am
NO NO NO, IF
you are really interested in Frac’s development, you will INSIST that Frac plays the Sax. Doesnt matter if its alto or bass, but alto is better. All you have to do is look back at your nation to the south, America, and look where playing the sax got Bill Clinton.
It got him the presidency AND a blowjob.
I mean, Frac will be forever in your debt
LOL
I played clarinet and I hated it. All the cool girls play either flute, french horn and/or the oboe. Janet Smyda, the MOST beautiful girl in Crittenden middle school played oboe, EVERY boy had the hots for her.
Flute girls are wild girls, so make sure they are wearing chastity belts after 5th grade. Oboe players are refined, and the most elegant are french horn girls. I dont trust men that play either of those three instruments. Men play manly instruments such as sax, trumpets, and tubas. Nice guys play trombones, and geeks play clarinets. Drums are best left for future rock band wannabees. But the worst of all are the kids that go into stage setup. They are not to be trusted with any girl, and their future makes them drug dealers for sure. And a girl that goes into stage set-up needs to be fitted in a whole body chain mail corset that only you have the key for. Depends takes care of any social problems LOL
October 2nd, 2007 at 10:50 am
WB brought home the trumpet in Grade 7 and I made him practice in the garage
And then subsequently bribed my neighbours not to file noise complaints.
Alcohol works too…..
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:58 pm
Don’t worry. If your daughter is like most self-respecting teenagers once you purchase the instrument for a large amount of money, she will give it up. My daughter needed the silver flute and the other child needed the antique violin that had to be restored to the tune of …well, much. Do you think I hear concerts? Nope. Instruments are safely resting in their cases.
October 2nd, 2007 at 1:35 pm
Well the boy DID learn to play the Kazoo …. right?
Snicker
October 2nd, 2007 at 2:45 pm
It could be worse.
It could have been a clarinet.
October 2nd, 2007 at 3:46 pm
As a raging band dork, I find this post and it’s comments to be quite funny!
I do disagree with LarryLilly though. It has been my experience that saxophones are a horrible idea. First of all, the sound awful, especially when you are learning to play. Secondly, the embouchure that you have to use completely messes up your teeth and your ability to kiss. Do you kids a favor, encourage them to play instruments with small mouth pieces and “brass” instruments. It’ll be best for their social development. There is nothing like being the “coolest” band dork.
p.s. Good boes and french horn players are harder to come by at a college level, make her practice and it could play for college!
October 2nd, 2007 at 7:13 pm
Come-onna MY house…
We’re learning the FLUTE (SCCCRRRREEEEEEE!!!!!)
AND… (wait for it…)
TAP DANCING.
Help me.
October 2nd, 2007 at 8:16 pm
Cass is in Primary. Last week at the Meet ‘N Greet I noticed a line of ukeleles on the wall in the music room. Yup. Ukeleles.
Because apparently hell is not reserved for middle school band.
October 3rd, 2007 at 4:49 am
It could be worse…one of my foster brothers got stuck with the tuba, and he was not very good. It sounded like elephant farts!
October 3rd, 2007 at 8:47 am
First of all, where do I sign Bumper up for rock picking?
Second of all - OMG where do I send you some earplugs?
xo
October 3rd, 2007 at 6:55 pm
hahahahahahaha….bigirl just tried out for strings.
ahahahahaha. mad laughter as I careen down the highway….
October 3rd, 2007 at 7:22 pm
Oh no no no no! I so wanted to play the French horn. I was told it was too hard and handed a flute. She is lucky!!
I freaking hate the flute. Stupid stupid stupid flute.
If you can get her some private lessons, the torture won’t last nearly as long.
October 4th, 2007 at 12:08 pm
I played flute. When I was finally able to get some sound out of that thing, my 1 year old dog would sit in front of me and let out yelping howls as I practiced.
How’s your pup’s hearing?
At least it’s not bagpipes. Our neighbor’s kid had to practice outside, even in the winter (central NY). Hmm, wonder why.
October 5th, 2007 at 4:21 pm
Let me assure you, that’s not the worst case. They are fairly mellow, unlike, say clarinets or violins or trumpets or drums…
October 6th, 2007 at 7:22 pm
My parents wouldn’t fork over the money so that I could play the flute, so I wound up playing the french horn. I was known as “Frenchy” for years after…