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Doing My Best Hermit Imitation
I’m not a morning person. I never have been and unless an apocalyptic event occurs, I doubt I will magically transform into a little Miss Suzy Sunshine shooting beams of happiness out of my arse first thing in the morning.
My family know this about me. They may not like it, but they accept it. Fric and Frac know to keep it quiet and mellow until ambrosia from the Gods of Java is running through my veins. I’m just not human first thing in the morning.
My darling husband, however, seems to have forgotten this charming fact of my personality now that he sleeps in a different bed, some 300 odd kilometers away from me on a semi-regular basis.
He has taken to phoning me first thing in the morning. And by first thing, I mean at 6:45 am, thirty minutes before my lovely alarm clock takes to abusing me with it’s shrill screeching. At first, it was cute. Lovely even. My man calling me to wish me well before he walked onto a job site and surrounded himself with the testosterone riddled apes he works with. He wanted to fortify himself with the loveliness that is me.
First thing in the morning.
He must have lost his marbles in a poker game gone wrong. Talk about having rocks for brains.
The charm quickly wore off. Somewhere around the third straight morning in a row. Three days of sleep deprivation for a woman who is single handedly raising his children, maintaining his family relations, paying his bills and not getting any um, marital returns er, cake, in the mean time.
For the love of our children and for the sake of all the stupid people who annoy me daily that I must deal with the general public, I need my rest. Almost as much as I need my coffee. Which is still being brewed manually since my darling Fric shattered my coffee pot and I can’t find a replacement carafe to fit my ridiculously overpriced coffee maker.
(Side note: Why in the world did I pay almost two hundred dollars for a lovely, magical coffee system with out checking to see if replacement carafes are available? Whyyyyyyy?)
This morning, at 6:47 a.m. the phone rang. Shocking, I know. I can’t even pretend any more to love him at that time of day. Fumbling to find the phone I now keep hidden under my pillow (as I’m way too lazy to actually get out of bed to answer it) I groped to answer it before the ringing woke my children and forced me to unnecessarily rise from my bed and actually start parenting.
“Stop calling me this early in the morning or I will be forced to divorce you, sell your children to some travelling freak show and spend the rest of my years stalking you in perverse ways.”
“Ah, my lovely. Good to know you slept well.”
“Boo. This has to stop. I’m seriously questioning if I love you enough to survive these early morning phone calls.” Oh, how the softness of my pillow taunted me, mocking my awakeness.
“Aw, did someone wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?” he asked me in an annoying sing song version of Pee Wee Herman.
“That’s it, I’m changing our telephone number. And I’m not telling you what it is.”
“You’re cute when you’re grouchy. Are you nekkid?” That’s my husband. Annoying and perverted. This is what happens when you marry the first guy who knocks you up.
“Shut up,” I groaned. “What do you want? Or are you just tormenting me because you are evil?”
“Actually, I had to call you this early. It may be my only chance to talk to you today; work is nuts around here. Somebody blah, blah, blah.” I admit it. I tuned him out. I was starting to drift back to the land of Nod, the place of warm comforters, soft pillows and no shrill early morning phone calls from out of town husbands.
“You’re not listening to me,” he complained.
“No shit, Sherlock. You woke me up. On a SUNDAY morning. The one day of the week I am supposed to be allowed to sleep in. The holiest day of the week.” Yawn.
“Oh right. I could apologize from waking you up from your humble sleep while I’m out here busting my hump trying to earn enough money to feed you and pay for your internet, but if you want to be like that-”
“I only want to be like that before the hours of 9 a.m. and after 11 p.m. on a Sunday. All other hours I will be the sweet Stepford wife you married.”
“Sarcasm on you is sexy. Especially with that husky morning voice you’ve got going on. Are you nekkid?”
“Boo,” I warned. I was quickly morphing into a cranky, uncaffeinated shrew.
“I just wanted to know if you were planning on posting anything anytime soon on your blog. The boys are starting to complain about the lack of new material.”
“You woke me up on a Sunday morning before even God himself has gotten out of bed, to ask me that?” I screeched.
“Yep.”
“I hate you.”
“I love you too. Now get off your arse and get blogging. We’re bored up here.”
He was saying something else, but I accidentally, cough, cough, pressed the disconnect button. What can I say? I can’t be held accountable for my actions before 7 a.m. on a weekend.
My apologies to everyone and to the boys stuck working with my husband. I live to entertain you and I promise to do better. Once this week has passed, the verdict has been delivered and the anniversary has passed.
It’s hard to be creative when I’m busy hiding in the pantry, rocking back and forth, waiting for this week to end.
Bear with me for a few more days and I’ll be back in brilliant form. Well, I suppose the brilliancy will depend on just how low you pin your expectations, but still, hang in there.
October 14th, 2007 at 11:47 am
Oh, hon. I will be thinking about you this week.
xxoo
October 14th, 2007 at 1:17 pm
Me, too. Be kind to yourself.
October 14th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
You’ll be in heart this week. Now, go get some caffeine and for god’s sake get nekkid!
October 14th, 2007 at 1:49 pm
Ah, T, you could not post for a year and I’d still be hanging around, ready to read whatever you wrote.
We all know this is the hardest month of the year for you. Take it easy, and forgive yourself if you yell at anyone or actually do go hide in the cupboard.
Big hugs,
Jelly
October 14th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
Good luck finding a replacement carafe. $200 coffee maker coffee is such bliss. Maybe you could make a contest out of it for your readers? Something like…find me a replacement carafe for this coffee maker and I will give you the honor of naming our family’s next pet? (assuming you are not divorced and the children have not been sold…8 - )
You will be in my thoughts and prayers this week.
October 14th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
Well, I’d have you on speed-dial myself if you’d divulge that magic number.
In the meantime, I’ll keep clicking refresh and reminding you that I’m due south and glad to restock the liquor cabinet if you’ll give me an hour’s notice or so.
October 14th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
oh honey, i know. i wish i was hiding out next to you rocking in the corner. we’d be doing it together.
October 14th, 2007 at 2:32 pm
I certainly hope there are lots of cookies in the pantry! Good luck to you.
October 14th, 2007 at 2:45 pm
You are like crack, baby. The high only last for so long, before you are on the floor searching for a little bit more.
Thinking of you all this week.
October 14th, 2007 at 2:52 pm
Ack — my husband got me a coffeemaker last Anniversary. Within the week I’d broken both carafes. And no replacements are to be had. Anywhere. At least he got it on sale, but still — it’s annoying having this brand new coffee maker and not being able to use it.
I’m not a morning person either. I try - but it’s hard work. Everyone knows it’s really much better for all around if they just keep quiet and sweet until I’ve had my coffee.
Hope the week passes quickly for you;). xo
October 14th, 2007 at 2:56 pm
We’ll be here, waiting. You take care. I hope you get some good news this week. oxox
October 14th, 2007 at 3:53 pm
I hug and kiss and drool all over mine all the time. But I like the reminder. I have this thing, I ALWAYS have to give tham a kiss and a hug before they go anywhere wthout me. Because my mind goes to funny dark places sometimes.
Never stop writng about Bug. We are not bored. He has become important to many of us as well.
May the verdict be fair. I’ll be thinking on you.
xo
October 14th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
i am sending you a big pile of love and hope and tears and honour for Bug and eagerness to hear good news (and a spare can of whoopass for anyone who dares to give news other than good)…it’ll be there with you this coming coupla weeks, just a whole load of thoughts and caring, in case you need it.
but i am sending it in such a way that it will arrive at a civilized hour of the day, and bring its own coffee.
October 14th, 2007 at 6:31 pm
When our carafe broke, we replaced it with a large stainless cup. Not pretty, but functional.
October 14th, 2007 at 9:21 pm
All in the same week… there’s a reason for it hun, even if we don’t understand it. I’m hoping that next year, you’ll be able to look back on this week with a little (and I mean a little, nothings ever going to make the pain go away completely) less sadness as this is also the week you found out you get that child that’s out there waiting for you right now.
And if your out of chocolate or wine, I’m just south of the border, I’d be happy to share my pantry with you any day.
Oh, and Ug found the cure for broken carafe’s. While not as nice as a swanky 200 dollar machine, the Hamilton Beach’s BrewStation Plus is great.. no carafe, and it’s nice in the morning not to be haivng to lift anything, you put your cup to the button and it pours out like magic. Beautiful thing in the morning.
October 15th, 2007 at 5:28 am
Your husband, while I’m sure a lovely man, should be taken out and beaten about the head and shoulders with a non-functioning $200 coffeemaker. No one, but NO ONE, should mess with the sanctity of a woman’s Sunday morning sleep-in.
Thinking of you this week. Hang in.
October 15th, 2007 at 6:33 am
Much love, T. And nice, warm, hug-like thoughts in your direction.
October 15th, 2007 at 6:38 am
Delurking to say that I’ll be thinking of you.
October 15th, 2007 at 6:40 am
I’m thinking of you this week. And I’m here if there’s anything at all that I can do.
October 15th, 2007 at 7:18 am
Even though you are feeling like a hermit, you are still witty and make me laugh. Especially about your mornings. I think we may be related…
October 15th, 2007 at 7:57 am
Here’s a thought: disconnect the phone when you go to bed and don’t plug it back in until the alarm goes off. I mean yes, Boo could argue that if he was dead and they needed to reach you they wouldn’t be able to, but you could counter that he would still be dead in the morning when you’d had enough sleep to deal with his funeral arrangements in a tasteful and loving manner. I know, I know, I’m going to hell. I hope the anniversary passes leaving you relatively unscathed, and that the verdict goes the right way (I am already prepared to be righteously outraged if those asshats say anything besides yes, just so you know–if they DO say yes I may have to go and kick The Patriarch in the nuts just to get it out of my system).
October 15th, 2007 at 9:23 am
You hang in there. We arent going anywhere.
October 15th, 2007 at 9:32 am
Your Hubs guys are just missing looking our your profile photo. If you aren’t posting something, they don’t have an excuse to visit your site and drool.
Namaste.
October 15th, 2007 at 10:33 am
We are all going to be on pins and needles for you this week!
And yes, I think it’s some sort of sick phenomenon that the men we married forget this charming part of our personalities. Mine actually leaned over and kissed me before 7 a.m. and he nearly lost his teeth for doing so. Ugh!
October 15th, 2007 at 10:53 am
Still got everything crossed for you.
And Boo, leave the woman alone in the morning.
October 15th, 2007 at 11:37 am
My thoughts are with you lady. Hoping this passes with God Speed.
October 15th, 2007 at 3:49 pm
You’re always brilliant in my book.
October 15th, 2007 at 4:05 pm
Honey, you always are in top form in my books (and damn girl, I’ve seen that rack myself - you is in top form if I say so myself - and I did - so there!). And me (and about 100 hundred+ folks) will be sending all that positive vibe stuff until decision/hump day is over (and by hump day I’m referring to Wednesday, not the day he gets home).
October 15th, 2007 at 4:07 pm
you can’t blame the man for asking. I mean, he prolly has visions of nekkid you dancing in his head. Hard to shake, I’m betting.
Not that I’d be too cheerful, either. Men and their alarm cocks, hey?
October 15th, 2007 at 7:59 pm
You know, I was being a raving bitch to my kids tonight. I hate being alone and Mondays at my house suck ass. But this post reminds me that I HAVE them. And they still want to hug and cuddle.
I needed this.
On October 21st, I will take a moment to be grateful that your solution to your loss of Shalebug was to share yourself with the rest of us.
October 15th, 2007 at 8:08 pm
Will definately be hangin’ in and sayin lots of prayers for you and your family this week. For lots of reasons.
October 16th, 2007 at 4:56 am
Hi just to let you know, you’re in my thoughts. Good luck ! and stay relaxed, if you can !
October 16th, 2007 at 6:32 am
I’ll definitely be thinking of you this week. Good luck (caffeine, carafes and big important decisions)!
October 16th, 2007 at 6:57 am
Big hugs to help you get through a tough week (wish I could send you something more useful like a bottle of wine, but…) xo