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Pimples and Parsnips
“Mom, what is a pimple?” Frac inquired as I was peeling potatoes for a stew I had stupidly thought my children would eat with out gagging and complaining.
“The dictionary describes a pimple as a small hard inflamed spot on the skin. I would call it a raging sack of pus buried in our skin which only rears it’s ugly evil head whenever you are meeting someone new, important or really cute. That, or it pops up when you have to have your picture taken. Either way, it’s not pretty.”
As I reached for a rutabaga to hide in the stew, I looked over at him and asked, “Why do you ask?”
“Just wondering. What’s a zit?” He looked at the root vegetable in my hand and shuddered.
“The dictionary defines a zit as a synonym to the word pimple. I define a zit as a raging pain in my ass, murdering my self esteem with it’s appearance and immediately reminding me of what an awkward raging geek I was as a teen.”
Plopping the rutabaga into the pot, I reached for a parsnip and asked “Why so interested in zits and pimples? Do you have one?” I peer over my stack of vegetables waiting to be peeled to peruse his pristine, porcelaine white skin.
“No. I was just wondering. Do you have to put parsnips in the stew?” he whined.
“Yep. They’ll protect you from the pimples. And make you grow big and tall like your father. Plus they were free, I got them off our neighbour who apparently had a parsnip bumper crop and I have no other idea how to get rid of them.”
“Oh.” Silence. I looked over as I reached for a turnip and saw that Frac was staring intently at me. Creepy like.
“What? It’s not a parsnip, it’s a turnip. You like turnips,” I said as I waggled it in front of him.
“Nobody likes turnips, Mom.” Again, still staring at me like a zombie.
“Is there a problem, Frac? Cuz you’re freaking me out. Quit staring. Now. I’ll have nightmares.”
“You might want to put more parsnips in the stew Mom. You need some protection from pimples. You have a big one right on your chin.” That was why he was staring. He was mesmerized by the mountainous growth festering on my chin.
“Gee, thanks Frac,” I responded dryly. “I should have mentioned that at a certain time of the month, women battle their hormones while turning into raging shrews and are more prone to grow a zit to call their own during this special time. We like to nurture and care for it because it reminds us of our special power…the ability to grow a human to love and torment. Pimples grown during this time are a special gift from nature,” I blathered on, hoping he was buying this drivel as I peeled a carrot. “I should have also mentioned it’s rude to point out a blemish to a woman. You’re liable to be beaten to death for such an infraction.”
“Oh. Sorry Mom,” he shrugged. “I just thought only teenagers got zits. It looks painful,” he said as he leaned over to poke at it.
Swatting his hand away, I glared at him and grabbed another carrot to peel away my frustration of having children that talk. Oh, how I miss the mute kid who drooled at times like this.
“Hmm. I hope I don’t get any of those things. That looks painful.”
“Hence the parsnips, my boy. Eat up and learn. If only my mother had taught me this wisdom,” I lamented.
“Ya. If she did you wouldn’t look like this now.” So innocent. So clueless. So absolutely in danger and not even realizing it.
“Frac?”
“Ya Mom?”
“You’re cuter when you don’t talk. Learn from this.”
“Fine,” he muttered as he wandered away to go burn some brain cells on the X-box. “I know you don’t mean that. It’s just the zit talking.”
Unbelievable. I wonder if I put him on Freecycle if I’ll have any takers.
October 23rd, 2007 at 8:12 am
Darling RM, count your blessings that you’re not taking progesterone to shrink a fibroid. Because that sh*t gives me pimples like I haven’t known since high school.
It’s so demoralizing to be a week shy of forty and at the same time to have a huge zit where your nose used to be.
October 23rd, 2007 at 8:50 am
yeah, I hate needing stridex and oil of olay in the same damn day.
October 23rd, 2007 at 8:55 am
It should make you feel young, like a teenager! His time will come.
October 23rd, 2007 at 9:03 am
“Oh how I miss the mute kid who drooled”–you slay me! My middle child goes through periods of refusing to eat, and during one of those when we were at the pediatrician’s office I said “man, I wish THIS one had a g-tube–the kid with the g-tube ALWAYS finishes meals.” For some reason they looked at me like I was a little off. That one’s good about taking medicine, too
October 23rd, 2007 at 9:16 am
My son is constantly asking me the difference between boogers and snot. He’s 3, and sincerely trying to figure out the difference.
I only wish you could explain it to him because my explanation that one is hard and one is runny just does not seem to satisfy him.
October 23rd, 2007 at 9:26 am
If he can work and have his mouth taped, we will take him. I have a back 40 I need plowed.
October 23rd, 2007 at 9:43 am
You guys are both hilarious. And it sounds like he takes after dear Boo with the foot in the mouth syndrome.
October 23rd, 2007 at 9:59 am
Good thing you don’t live close to me. He’d have a field day examining the pulsating masses on my face.
October 23rd, 2007 at 10:08 am
Isn’t it amazing how boys can be so stupid?
You’re sure teaching him though, aren’t you?
Love you T!
October 23rd, 2007 at 10:29 am
Nice. My son - who’s 6 has the same wit. Like Homer Simpson says: “the older they get, the cuter they ain’t” =)
Ron
October 23rd, 2007 at 10:52 am
I’m getting bigger every day with the new pregnancy - and since I hadn’t lost the baby paunch from the last time yet, I’m a little self-conscious about how big I already am. Yesterday my two year old hauled up my shirt, grabbed a couple handfuls of flab, and said “I love you fat belly, mama”.
Stupid kids.
October 23rd, 2007 at 10:57 am
Why bother with freecycle, when you could make some good coin off of eBay? Might as well be enterprising about it!
October 23rd, 2007 at 12:05 pm
Humbling aren’t they? Like “Mom- you’d be prettier if you didn’t look so old and tired today.” “You are right, but dear Kota, let’s you, me and your little sister sit, ponder, and discuss WHY I look so old and tired at the ripe age of 33. But we’ll have to wait until dinner is done, the laundry is dry and folded, and I get through the mail and lay out your jammies before homework. Then, after you have been bestowed the ‘light’ of why mommy ia all haggered and torn and a bit on the cranky side, you can call your dad and his girlfriend and share the news with them.” Oh Hai!
Too funny T. If the zit is there still….you must not be a picker. I can turn something that might possibly be the very beginning of a small miniscule blemish into a gaping surgical would! Rutabeggies and parsnips….yum. Seriously.
October 23rd, 2007 at 12:20 pm
Out of the mouths of babes…..
By the way, I know I’m late to the party (as usual) but congratulations on being approved for adoption. I know the government drones made you jump thru hoops and drove you nuts. At least they finally saw what a warm and loving family you have and how lucky any child would be to be able to call you Mom.
October 23rd, 2007 at 2:03 pm
Wow. I thought it was just me. I get more zits now than I ever did in high school, but only that time of the month. I hate feeling like an awkward teenager at 36.
October 23rd, 2007 at 3:10 pm
gee. wonder where he gets his ability to shoot zingers…
October 23rd, 2007 at 3:47 pm
BWAHAHAHA!
[“I should have also mentioned it’s rude to point out a blemish to a woman. You’re liable to be beaten to death for such an infraction.”]
I was thinking this was my favorite part, until I read:
[“I know you don’t mean that. It’s just the zit talking.”]
So delightful that he’s sassy like his momma!
(I can say it’s delightful because he’s not mine.)
October 23rd, 2007 at 4:20 pm
I am lucky my 3-year-old doesn’t know what a zit is. I get them every month, too.
October 23rd, 2007 at 4:50 pm
You have an awesome way with words and I love your blog.
Should ever have the hankering to wander over my way I would be right honored.
October 23rd, 2007 at 4:52 pm
But did he eat the parsnips? Did it work? His future wife will thank you for your dutiful schooling on what not to say to a hormonal woman.
October 23rd, 2007 at 7:41 pm
It is one of the great myths of life that only teenagers get pimples. You’d think that NO PIMPLES would be our reward for making it through adolescence alive.
October 23rd, 2007 at 8:02 pm
That kid is ALLL you. I imagine you gave your Mom the same grief.
And I can’t take him… Ug has a rule about having only one duct taped child at a time in the closet. And that’s MY 10 year old around here.
His last fun comment? Monkey was rubbing my belly and Meathead says “Hey look, he thinks your still pregnant cause of your belly!”
He thought it was hilarious, I did not.
October 24th, 2007 at 4:47 am
I, like you are blessed with an extra appendage every 28 days or so. I just recovered from lugging around one the size of a freaking planet on my chin. Can’t cover that bastard with hair.
My son chose to speak to the planet rather than my face. A guy at work who usually addresses my breasts was entranced by the monstrosity. If he was halfway good looking I would have been upset.
If it wasn’t for shoes and makeup and pretty nail polish and swishy skirts and feeling your baby kick for the first time, it would totally suck being a woman.
October 24th, 2007 at 7:26 am
I love the tales of Frac! I’ll take him.
October 24th, 2007 at 8:08 am
I’m so gonna use that. You should write a parenting book.
October 24th, 2007 at 8:54 am
Didn’t you know that lying about parsnips causes pimples?
Try eBay before Freecycle. You might be able to get some money for him.
If he can rake leaves and mow a lawn, I’ll take him till the end of autumn.
(You’re funny, lol!)
October 24th, 2007 at 11:24 am
I got no takers for a snotty 4-yr-old on ebay, even when I offered to pay shipping. Freecycle might be the way to go. And parsnips? Ewwww, evil vegetables of doom.
October 24th, 2007 at 1:26 pm
So all I have to do is eat more parsnips…? I could use some clearer skin.
October 24th, 2007 at 3:51 pm
man, i didn’t know anyone actually ate parsnips and rutabagas. you are waayy too healthy for me!
October 24th, 2007 at 7:29 pm
Dear Horn of the North,
Please post some damned root vegetable recipes.
xo,
Horn of the South
October 25th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
A tip for the ’snip - sautee them in butter and add sugar. They are delicious that way - one of my favourite things, actually. The sugar and butter totally overcome that bit of bitterness they have otherwise.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:23 am
Good and useful information. Keep up the good work. I have learnt a new thing today.Thanks.