We don’t do halloween in a traditional sense at my house. Because of Bug’s battle we gave up begging for candy from strangers years ago. Instead of growing snotsicles while ensuring my children’s safety as they bang on peoples doors and demand a treat; I spend a week’s worth of pay and and buy out the store’s supply of sugar coated kiddy crack. While the candy wrappers fly, eyes are generally glued on the boob tube, watching a completely inappropriate movie carefully and thoughfully chosen by their mother to scare the living bejeepers out of them in the dark hours of the night.
If I can’t rob them of their candy, may as well steal their innocence and restful nights, no?
So we turned off all the lights, locked all the doors, lit a few candles and settled in for their very first viewing of The Shining.
HERE’S JOHNNY…
Just kidding. I’m saving that movie for a few more years. I don’t want to be completely responsible for having to clean up their messes when they crap their pants.
No, the movie I chose this time involved vampires and werewolves and heads being chopped off with swords. Nothing too scary. Yet.
COME OUT, COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE…
We bonded while watching good battle evil and argued about Nibs being better than Twizzlers and eventually, I sent them off to bed. I watched them bounce down the hallway from their sugar high and shook my head smiling, remembering the halloween highs of my past.
It was still early yet, and there was still two huge bowls of candy sitting there, mocking me.
So I did what any responsible adult would do.
I grabbed a bowl, flopped on the couch and started flicking through my three channels to see what would amuse me as I powered my way through an endless amount of candy.
There I was alone, in the dark with only three candles flickering, a big bowl of candy and the static flickers of my television screen. Halloween doesn’t get any better than this, I thought to myself as I reached for yet another treat.
Suddenly, my t.v. screen went fuzzy. Okay, so it’s always fuzzy. But now it was so fuzzy I couldn’t hear or see anything. Sighing, I got up and started wiggling the antennae, trying to clear the snow.
Satisfied, I sat back down and grabbed my bowl. Nixon shifted slightly and resumed snoring as he nestled against my thigh.
And that’s when the little buggers got me.
BAM! BAM! BAM! in rapid succession at the window three inches from my head, my face. “BOO!” They screamed in unison and then collapsed on each other in a fit of screaming giggles.
I just about shit myself. Candy scattered everywhere as I sent the bowl flying on my way to being stuck to the ceiling. By the time my darling children managed to find their way back into the house, I was just managing to peel myself off the roof.
“Did we scare you Mom?” they giggled and snickered while not noticing the wet spot on my pants.
“I thought I sent you guys to bed,” I gasped, still trying to calm my racing heart.
“You did, but we just waited a few minutes and then snuck out the deck door.” Fric proudly explained. Apparently, they tiptoed down the deck, around the house, through the bushes, pulled up a chair so they could gain the height they needed to reach the window nearest my head, pushed each other off it a few times, giggled like loons and then let loose on my aging soul.
If I wasn’t so scared I would have been proud.
“You do realize I’m installing locks on the outsides of your bedroom doors from now on, right?” I asked them as I walked them to their rooms.
“Ya. But it was so worth it, Mom. You jumped so high!” Frac gushed.
“Ya, I’m a freaking gazelle. Now good night. That means keep your ass in this bed and no more giving me a heart attack.” I warned.
“Yes, Mom,” they giggled from their beds.
Enough with this nice mom bit, I smiled to myself as I sat back down. Next year, I’m bringing out Jack.
Jack Torrance: LITTLE PIGS, LITTLE PIGS,LET ME COME IN. NOT BY THE HAIR OF YOUR CHINY-CHIN-CHIN? WELL THEN I’LL HUFF ADN I’LL PUFF, AND I’LL BLOW YOUR HOUSE IN. [axes the door]
He he.
55 Comments
OMG!!! That’s too funny. My boys already know I’m easily frightened. Do I really have to live until puberty?
My Redneck busted his butt to come home so he could scare the crap out of our children with “Creature From The Black Lagoon”. Again.
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Oh my T…you’ve taught your kids the wicked ways…..
Are you sure Boo didn’t put them up to this?
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I watched The Shining for the first time last night. Good timing on my part, since it adds a whole new level of meaning to your posts when I understand the pop culture references
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It seems that your evil parenting always bites your butt! Bwah ha ha. Your children are sneaky geniuses!
But woman, how is that your husband leaves you alone in the boonies without digital cable or a satellite dish? If he’s not there to entertain you at least he could provide a truck load of batteries and a few more channels.
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Oh frickin funny!!!
I’m in love with your children… head over heels I say.
And um yeah.. those satellite things rock.
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I echo the comments about satellite TV… TFC (three fucking channels) is not enough when you live a million miles from anywhere.
Those little bastards, I congratulate you for just putting them to bed instead of murdering them outright. You’re a much better mother than me.
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That’s awesome!
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You trained them well Grasshopper
Now do some laundry!
LOL
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Thank goodness it wasn’t Chucky.
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That is so hilarious!! My daughter loves jumping around corners and scaring me!! I almost wet myself every time. She thinks its great. So glad I provide amusement for her.
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I’m pretty sure that if they are brave enough to watch a movie about vampires and werewolves and then walk outside IN THE DARK then Jack ain’t gonna scare ‘em. He scares me though.
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That is too funny! Most certainly a perfect trick for Halloween! Kudos to your kiddos to coming up with that!
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Yeah, I agree, next year you need to scare the crap out of them - paybacks are a bitch….
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Ok, all I can say is? The Birds.
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The apples don’t fall far, do they? What a clever lot!
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OMG that was good, well for Fric and Frac anyways.
Now did you remind them that one day they WILL be cleaning the crap outta your pants and that little episode could have been Day 1 of training camp??
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Oh young grasshoppers learn well, very well. Damn, that was a good one Fric and Frac - well done.
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I am more scared that you only have 3 channels and an antennae.
Get an alarm system and don’t give them a code. It appears that they can get out of the house way too easily. I am relying on my alarm and a man with a shotgun to keep my kids in the house as they get older.
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And people wonder why Halloween is my favorite holiday… Okay, the ONLY holiday I like. Heh…
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Too mean! Too mean! Hee.
What a great way to spend Halloween.
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You’re raising fine children there girl!! Just think about how you’ll teach your grandbabies to get them back.
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Go Fric and Frac ! Nice one. Of course I’m sure I would have shit myself and been a bit irritated at my kids but being the reader (and not actually having the experience) it does seem rather cool that they were able to pull that off.
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Too funny.
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I think they deserve a prize or something… =snort= TFF
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I would have crapped myself. Seriously. Good one, but revenge is definitely in order.
Jack should be adequate. Or perhaps Jack with a side of Carrie?
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That.was.awesome!
Regardless of your feelings, you HAVE to be proud of that. It required planning, forethought and co-operation… all things they learn from a good parent.
Again, kudos to your two schemers.
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I love your kids.
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You’ve taught them well but I sense it will soon be payback time.
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You raised em right. I say next year you skip right to Hostel.
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Thanks for sharing. I needed a good laugh! That sounds like something my kids would do, if they could quit fighting long enough to make a plan. LOL
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Omg, I would have killed them, lol!
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Sounds like my kind of Halloween.
And your kids are the ginchiest.
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What a great story. I can’t even THINK about The Shining, it is SO scary.
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Double trouble!
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That is EXCELLENT! Go Fric and Frac!
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I think I love your children.
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The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree….
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Oh man, The Shining freaks me out and I’ve only seen 5 minutes here and there. I’m a weenie. I can’t do scary movies. Vampire movies are okay, though. And I laughed all the way through Psycho. Something about it being in black and white made it seem so harmless and hilarious.
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LMAO…I love it! Of course, I won’t love it when my kids scare the pee out of me…but since I’m old, maybe they’ll go easy on me.
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The only part of The Shining my kids know is the typewriter scene: All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. They’re like: “Mom, that’s just like you!”
Yes, kids, it is. Now go get mommy her RED RUM!
Your kids ROCK!
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That is hilarious! And totally something I would do. The eating candy and getting the shit scared out of me, not the actual scaring.
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Nothing better than the shining. Aside from. oh The Exorcist.
Your kids love you soooo much…
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Your kids are the greatest! That’s too funny!
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Oh, god, I totally can’t take horror movies. Brrrr.
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You have taught them well.
The Shining still freaks me out. Those hacked-up little British girls give me goosebumps every time.
The first real horror movie my mom let me watch was Carrie. Having seen The Nightmare Before Elm Street and a few Friday the 13th movies beforehand, I thought that was what horror movies was all about and figured Carrie would be the same.
I couldn’t sleep for weeks because I was afraid Carrie’s bloodied hand was going to shoot up through my mattress from under my bed and drag me down in to her grave.
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Heck, I jumped a foot when I saw my reflection today.
Course, this house is old and haunted.
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Ah… Good, scary times. I remember plenty of instances when my father scared the crap out of me and my siblings. We never were clever enough to try it back.
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omg, I seriously love your kids, lol!!!!!!!
I have to be careful when I jump out and scare my husband. His first reaction is to puch. He almost broke my nose once.
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Punch, not puch. Ugh.
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I’ve never seen the Shining. Far too scary for me.
But …
This was the funniest story I have ever heard! Your kids crack me up.
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I love your children!
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I was already cracking up at “snotsicles”!
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Epitome of awesome.
Right here.
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i can’t watch “the shining,” he reminds me too much of my dad. i suggest the “exorcist” instead.
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Geez. Those are some awesome kiddos.
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