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It is My Will
As Boo and my first real vacation creeps up before us, I’ve been in a mad scramble to put our personal affairs in order before we leave. This includes paying the bills (like tossing a pebble at a mountain, I tell you), hiding all of my toys so our house sitter doesn’t discover her big sister is a bona fide pervert, and getting our wills done.
While we are fleeing the country and abandoning our children on the doorstep of Boo’s sister, we want to be responsible about it. We do have our priorities. They may be slightly screwed, but we have them.
This is not our first will. We scrimped and saved our sheckles when Bug was first born to make sure all the legalities were covered in case something ever happened to us and he was left uncared for.
But our circumstances have obviously changed. Bug’s no longer a consideration and suddenly, thanks to my husband busting his butt and picking the nits off a bunch of monkey asses up in the Great White North, we are actually solvent. We have assets. More assets than my great grandmother’s deep freezer and the third generation lawn tractor my husband inherited and refuses to let die. (After all, his daddy cut lawn with that tractor, back in the day. You just can’t replace something like that. Even with one with a muffler, brakes and an actual seat.)
We hemmed and hawed for a while and put off the appointment while we argued over which relative deserves the luxury of raising our misbehaving, wildly imaginative and smart-talking offspring creative and charming children. Would it be my brother Stretch, who has no children of his own or Boo’s brother, the Great White Hunter who has more children than I have shoes?
Do we consider our sisters and their families or do we just yank the kids out of the family entirely and saddle them on our closest friends? It was a difficult decision with many aspects to try and consider. We wanted to make the best decision for our children and their interests. While it would have been easier to close our eyes, spin three times and hurl a dart at the family portrait and give the kiddies to whoever’s face was stuck by a dart, we actually tried to be rational about a very emotional decision.
It was a hard decision to make, because the reality is, no one is able to parent your children as well as you. That’s why their YOUR children. The thought of leaving my kids and not seeing them grow up was a difficult and scary reality to consider. But the thought of leaving them at the court’s or our family’s mercy was an even scarier prospect for my freakishly controlling self to consider. Better to play the puppet master while I still can, I figure.
In the end, I believe we did the best thing for our children. Maybe it wasn’t as fun as my idea of selling them to the local circus, but it was the right thing to do. (Ever notice how the right thing to do is always the most boring option?)
Fric and Frac overheard me talking to a family member about our will and wills in general and started to ask questions. Whether it is due to age or family history, I was surprised to find them rather matter of fact about death and slightly nonchalant about it.
In fact, they were down right mercenary about it.
“Mom, if you and Dad die, where will we live?” Fric asked after I was off the phone.
“There are standing orders that if your father and I kick it you will be bundled up and packed up North. Santa pays good coin for strapping young children to slave away at the toy factory. Apparently the elves have unionized and are killing his bottom line. Cheaper to go with orphans in the long run.”
“Cool. I like Santa.” Frac responded while totally engrossed in a video game. Fric merely rolled her eyes and sat quietly for a minute. I could see the wheels in her brain churning.
“What happens to the house when you die?” She inquired.
“Well that depends on what the executor and your guardians think will be best for you and Frac. If you’re young, it will probably be sold. If you’re older, maybe you guys will just live in it. I don’t know.”
“So, if you die, we’ll be rich?” Funny, I could see a gleam in her eye.
“Um sure. You’ll have all the kibble in the world to dine on. As for actual money, well, depends if they ever make Monopoly money legal.”
“What about your jewellery?” She is starting to freak me out now. I’m having visions of waking up to find her standing over my bed with a shovel.
“What about it?” I retort.
“Who gets it when you die?” she asked, while eyeing the kitchen knife set.
“It’s kinda rude to ask that Fric,” her brother chastised her while never lifting his eyes from the video game screen.
“Ya Fric. The contents of a will are secret until the day we die. That way I don’t have to listen to you argue and bitch if you don’t like what we decided. It’s the same idea as voting. It’s a secret until the big reveal.”
She looked a little sad and a little worried and suddenly I fretted that I was leaving the country, flying off to dance topless on some sandy beach while drinking mimosas and she’d be at home, distraught that her mother didn’t love her enough to leave my cubic zirconia earrings and plastic pearls to her.
“Don’t worry Fric. You’ll get most of my jewellery,” I told her as I kissed the top of her head.
She sighed and looked troubled as she said, “You won’t be mad if I didn’t want it would you, Mom? Cuz my skin is kinda sensitive and I can’t wear cheap metals. Maybe you could give it to Frac.”
Boy. Didn’t see that one coming. It’s not like all of my jewellery is cheap. Well okay. It’s all cheap. But not all of it is fake. So much for trying to be sensitive and caring to my child.
“But, if you want, Mom, you could leave me all your money. I promise I’ll share some of it with Frac.” I just bet she would.
I could feel the love roll right off of her, I tell ya. I hope I die a short painless death, because if she’s in charge of me when it comes to my nursing home days, I do believe I may be screwed.
This is why Boo and I decided there is only one true way to ensure our eternal peace. We’re leaving all of our assets to someone who will appreciate them, in all their shiny, varnished, made-in-China glory.
Nixon, the World’s Greatest Dog, Ever, is gonna be the king of his own castle.
I’m sure he’ll look really pretty with all that fake bling around his neck.
November 15th, 2007 at 10:12 am
It is such a big decision, isn’t it, where your kids would be without you?
Your post nailed all of the insecurities of it while making me laugh out loud.
May you have a great vacation.
And sleep with one eye open.
November 15th, 2007 at 10:17 am
Deciding on godparents stressed us out. I’m glad Cakes can’t talk back yet.
November 15th, 2007 at 10:28 am
Before we left for Newport a few weeks ago, my in-laws gave us the fifth degress for not having a will written.
Nixon may look pretty with all that fake bling around his neck but will he look pregnant in the purple shirt?
November 15th, 2007 at 11:22 am
I have to tell you that they do remember all those funny cracks about sending them to Santa to be slave labour. They add it to their pile of resentments about their mama. I know. I actually asked. Some of the stuff they came up with cracked me up.
November 15th, 2007 at 11:38 am
When we were building our current house our youngest son was 6. He was riding with me one day to check out the progress and we had the following conversation:
Him - I love our new house
Me - me, too
Him - I love you
Me - I love you too, darlin
Him - when you and Daddy die, can I have our new house
Me - shocked look
Him - I just don’t know how I would pay for a house so I thought I could just live in this one when you die.
I love your blog. Been reading and lurking for the past 3 months. Your posts make me smile.
November 15th, 2007 at 11:46 am
Ug, we still haven’t gotten this matter resolved - we always hit a wall when deciding who gets to raise and take care of Bumper.
And holy crap your kids crack me up - where did they get such sharp wit? Oh yes, I forgot for a moment who birthed them.
November 15th, 2007 at 1:09 pm
Hated doing my will.
My son has taken to putting his name on masking tape on anything he likes in the house to ensure he doesn’t have to fight anyone for it….
November 15th, 2007 at 1:10 pm
We’ve got that one resolved but it wasn’t an easy decision.
Don’t worry about the kids going all Menendez on you until you start seeing tags with their names on them all over the big ticket items in the house. That’s how the end started with my grandmother, but at least the kids had everything equitably divided before she died.
November 15th, 2007 at 1:11 pm
We haven’t decided who gets ours yet, either. It’s a biggie and I keep putting off vacations because I can’t make up my mind.
But holy Fric. Man oh man. If she offers you a hot, soothing drink before bed, run in the other direction. As fast as your little legs can carry you.
November 15th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
hubby and i still have to make out our Wills…we had intended on doing it when son #1 came…who da thunk a baby would take so much or your time??? now we have two boys, and we still haven’t gotten around to it. we really need to get on it…we’ve made our decision on the Guardians…it’s just nasty thinking about all those death scenarios…
Fric is fricking funny, btw!
November 15th, 2007 at 1:38 pm
Yeah, now that the divorce is final, I guess it’s time to make out a will. Mine are still pretty young, so the only question I’ve had about dying is when the 4-year-old asked me, “When I die, are you going to bury me in the back yard?”
Not unless you don’t stop kicking your sister.
November 15th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
We did the same thing shortly after our daughter was born, since prior to that we were just setup that everything fell into the others’ name. It was a very complicated process, not just picking the guardian (which was more an issue of trying not to hurt people’s feelings… neither set of grandparents was physically able, and of the 3 siblings, only 1 is married and relatively stable - financially and emotionally) but also the powers of attorney. And then we found out there were TWO POA (health and finance - not the proper terms, but that’s the gist).
The sad truth is, my SIL is a flake, so we can’t trust her with anything. That left my wife with the choice of either my POA (my sister) or one of her parents. She ended up with my FIL for health, and left my sister as financial (since she was executor and guardian too). Ultimately, it brought the two of them (my sister and wife) closer, since my wife had to get to know her better to feel comfortable with the decision.
But yeah, it’s a soul-sucking endeavour.
November 15th, 2007 at 6:09 pm
Good Lord woman. I about fell off my seat laughing at the imagery of Fric eyeing the knives….and the fake metals, lmao….
November 15th, 2007 at 6:34 pm
I suck. We haven’t done this. I can’t imagine leaving my children with anyone I or The Redneck are related to. After all, that’s where WE came from.
As for siblings, no way.
My choice is my best friend, but The Redneck (when we talked about it last) got all “family” oriented.
The subject is firmly dropped for now.
If anything happens to us, they’re screwed. I think it’s keeping me alive. LOL.
(It wouldn’t be a shovel. They’d probably believe they could kill me with a BB gun).
November 15th, 2007 at 6:57 pm
I was gonna say, I’d take Nixon in a heartbeat.
November 15th, 2007 at 10:38 pm
Ours was drawn up only after we bickered for 45 minutes in front of our attorney over whose family was crazier and most likely to turn our precious offspring into deviant little misfits.
“Your sister’s a religious fanatic!”
“Well, your brother raised four drug dealers!”
“At least they aren’t proselytizing while they’re selling!”
“Only because all the drugs they’ve done left them with one brain cell between them and now they cannot complete a thought.”
The attorney cleared his throat.
“Perhaps you two should take a night to think it over. Shall we reschedule for tomorrow?”
Anyway, yeah. Been there, done that.
But at least mine aren’t yet old enough to think about wielding shovels.
November 15th, 2007 at 11:22 pm
Thanks for the reminder. Need to update my will and leave everything to the as-yet-unnamed bunny we are getting tomorrow.
Hey Redneck Mommy, come over to my blog and join in the frivolity of naming the poor little soul. The suggestions are not near as redneck as I would like. I fear the poor thing is going to be called ‘Hutch’ (sons suggestion) or Jesus (weird daughter).
November 16th, 2007 at 7:20 am
That’s hysterical. Although I was about Frac’s age when I starting asking things like, “What costs more, mink or sable?’ I needed to know what Grandma to suck up to more.
November 16th, 2007 at 8:13 am
We’ve been hemming and hawing over this same issue and have yet to reach a conclusion. Being a grownup sucks.
But if you need someone to look after Nixon after you kick it and leave him all your money, I’m available.
November 16th, 2007 at 9:17 am
So glad you have taken care of this - many people put it off, and as someone who deals with the messy aftermath of it all, let me tell ya, it SUCKS to tell a child that there is plenty of money but we just can’t give it to them because it is in PROBATE.
And keep a eye out for your daughter…
November 16th, 2007 at 10:40 am
What a way to kick off the vacation… I’ve been a little obsessed with my own death lately and now I’m freaking out because I haven’t made up my will yet! Thankfully, my kiddos are too small to take me out…
November 16th, 2007 at 11:41 am
Kids and the questions they ask….I like the sending them to Santa, that works until they figure out the fat guy doesn’t exist, or they think daddy is Santa.
Wills, difficult things. I know how we struggled with who would care for our kids….still do fear if it happens, but each year we can breathe a little easier NBear is 15 now, ZBear 14, and Boo Bear is 11.
Awesome post as usual, and yes hide those toys…I remember when my sis found mine….I might be why she is such a pervert now, come to think of it!
Have a great vacation!
November 16th, 2007 at 3:14 pm
You are so fun. I love reading your stuff.
November 16th, 2007 at 3:20 pm
One question: how come some people’s blog links show up in their names, and others don’t? Is there a club I have to join or something? Is there a secret handshake? I ROCK at secret handshakes! Is there a password? I ROCK at passwords! Do we have to be rednecks? I ROCK at being a redneck.
Okay, I’m going too far here.
My ex-husband used to pee in the driveway too. Is that enough of a qualification to join the Redneck Mommy blog-is-worthy-of-linking club?
If not, I’ll bake you cheesecakes.
November 16th, 2007 at 4:19 pm
We have yet to do this either. Which dysfunctional relative to leave them to, ugh!
November 16th, 2007 at 7:38 pm
I hated the part about picking the person they would go live with the most. I sobbed and sobbed just trying to pick.
November 16th, 2007 at 9:52 pm
Your kids are crack ups (as in funny ha-ha).
I wonder where they get it from.
We have to rewrite our will. I like the idea about the circus. My first thought was the convent.
November 16th, 2007 at 11:09 pm
You have yourself the best holiday in the whole wide world darling. I am certain you made a perfect decision.
November 17th, 2007 at 8:44 am
It’s a huge consideration, isn’t it? The first time we made a will, before Pumpkinpie, I cried, thinking about losing Misterpie. Then when we were talking to the lawyer about our will with Pumpkinpie, he advised us that our wishes are actually just that - wishes, not legally binding. ACK! so I totally got on the phone with the relatives and told them our wishes and to make sure that the aunty in question got hold of Pumpkinpie FAST and to keep her out of my mother’s clutches. (Apparently if it takes a while, the court can decide that a good routine has been set now and might not want to uproot the kid again, despite the wishes expressed in the will. Holy crap, that would be bad.)
November 17th, 2007 at 10:34 am
ah, you crack me up.
though i am suddenly possessed of a burning urge to see Nixon adorned in plastic pearls.
i have a gutter mind.
we bought a will kit months ago and it’s mouldering on the desktop. it’s not that i mind confronting the spectre of death. it’s that i mind confronting the spectre of my family.
November 17th, 2007 at 11:52 am
We did our wills and Power of Attorney papers as soon as we became parents. So glad we did, because now it’s nothing to worry about anymore.
Although, when the kids get to be older, I’m sure they will be fighting over my collection of stuffed penguins and my knitting stash.
I’ll have some serious thinking to do.
November 18th, 2007 at 12:04 pm
i guess our kids will have to be wards of the state because i’m not leaving them to my husband’s family.
November 19th, 2007 at 2:59 pm
We did the wills, it was traumatizing. I think the kids go back to their birthmother if something happens to both of us (she is the bio mom as in BIO hazard LOL — kids came up with it, not me) and I get ‘em if something happens to hubby. Now, the cats, they’re the hard ones to figure out who to give to!
November 19th, 2007 at 7:00 pm
I really need to get this done!
Have a great vacation though — aaaaah! 15 days! Enjoy!
November 20th, 2007 at 10:18 am
We’ve re-worked our wills at least 3 times since our oldest was born. I think it was harder this time around than any of them…
November 20th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
I’ve re-done my will twice since my kids were born. Figuring out legal guardians was HARD, but like you said, necessary. I think it’s something that too many parents turn a blind eye to, with the attitude that it would “never happen to them”. Not true.
Anyway. Enjoy your vacation. Sorry I’m so late to this party…we’ve been having a helluva time around here with germs and whatnot.
I’m totally cracking up at Fric saying she can’t wear “cheap metals”. *snort* She’s definitely YOUR kid.