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Wait and See
I never wanted kids. I never played with dolls and dreamed of having my own little minions to one day boss around and mold into personal slaves love and cherish. I never dreamed of white picket fences, home baked cookies, pigtails and cute little outfits.
I never gave parenting much thought at all. Up until the moment I murdered a rabbit peed on a stick and faced the reality of looming motherhood, I never figured I was cut from the maternal cloth so many of my friends seemed to be made from.
Until that moment, the moment the little stick showed it’s plus sign, it never dawned on me what having children would, could bring to my life. I never understood the blessing of children. I just saw snotty noses, dirty diapers and stressed out moms. I didn’t see that as a future I could embrace.
Some where between my own babies caterwauling, snotty noses and dirty diapers, I discovered the joys of parenthood. The sweet coos of a sleeping baby, the robust giggles of a toddler and the gap tooth grins of my kids charmed me into thinking I could do this. I could be a mom. And like it.
Then Bug was born and the rules were changed. There were no late nights nursing a sweet infant back to sleep. It was all about hospitalizations and doctors and medical procedures. It was about scary diagnoses, impossible hopes and fighting fears.
When other moms were rousing themselves for late night feedings and rocking their babes back to sleep, I was stumbling in the dark, stubbing my toes and trying to figure out which monitor was shrilling it’s alarm in the wee hours, warning me of Bug’s imminent doom.
While other moms dealt with sore nipples or dirty bottles, I was trying to lift my kid out of his specialized high chair or his crib without trying to yank out his gastric feeding tube.
As other moms struggled with solid foods or temper tantrums, I was juggling a medication schedule that would give any nurse a headache and trying to keep my other two kids from hiding the plastic syringes in the couch cushions.
While other moms worried their toddlers weren’t playing nice with others or were being bullied on the playground by an obnoxious sand-thrower, I was trying to get other parents and children to simply see and acknowledge my child. Other moms worried about preschool, princesses and television programs. I struggled to fit the damn wheelchair in the back of my car, remember his speech equipment, his splints and wonder if I was going to be on time to pick up the other two children after a day at the hospital.
It was trial by fire and more than once I felt the burn.
Yet I would sell my soul to the devil himself to have one more minute to experience that flame.
In a blink, it was over. And there were two stunned little kids who didn’t understand why their brother was no longer banging cupboards in the wee hours of the morn, no longer there to play choo-choo with them.
I’m was left with hard questions and no answers. Just tears, enough to fill an ocean.
As time passes, that ocean gets deeper. And yet, every morning the sun still rises, the clouds still part and the waves from our ocean of loss no longer threaten to topple us over. Instead, they mostly bathe us with the warm memories of a life that was filled with love and joy.
With the adoption looming, and the possibility of a new brother or sister to love, we are all reminded of the little boy absent from our home, yet never from our hearts or our minds. I’ve found myself explaining to family and friends, again, why we want to walk this path once more.
Why would we want to put our hearts on the line for a child who may never be normal, or healthy or even grow up. Why would we want to wrestle with hospitilizations, medications, therapies and social frustrations.
I nod my head and agree that it’s easy not to be able to see past the frustrations and scariness of a disabled child. But, I remind them, it is impossible to forget the joy those children shine with and spread to all who come into contact with them.
Bug made sure of that.
And so will our next child.
That’s what I tell people when they ask why we want to adopt such a needy child.
Just wait until you meet him or her. Then you will know.
November 26th, 2007 at 6:49 am
Oh, RM! Your heart is so beautiful and big.
(It more than makes up for your bra size, dontcha think?)
You will make a fantastic parent to a very lucky little boy or girl.
November 26th, 2007 at 7:30 am
This moved me to tears.
No doubt you will be the sun rising over the ocean of some child; no doubt at all.
November 26th, 2007 at 7:32 am
You are amazing. I just don’t know what else to say.
Maybe that’s enough.
November 26th, 2007 at 7:45 am
I’ve just started reading you, but I can see that it will be a very lucky child who finds their way to you, and you will be lucky parents to be found.
And thank you for sharing Bug’s life with us.
November 26th, 2007 at 8:28 am
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November 26th, 2007 at 8:28 am
aaaaand I’m crying.
You found something good and strong in you. You found that you can be your best. You know that you are needed and that you have skills that a child needs. There’s something about the whole “not hiding your light under a bushel” that I think of every time I read when you write about Bug.
November 26th, 2007 at 8:42 am
We can’t wait to hear the good news.
November 26th, 2007 at 8:46 am
OMG! You crack me up girl. I ran across your blog and saw where you had started your own site. That’s how I ended up here. I just started a new site myself. I’m not a web developer and I’m having a REALLY hard time with it. Who wrote your site for you? Email me at debi@dmcal.com and let me know. Anyway, I have two sites that I would like to link back to your site on. The first one is http://www.adoptedtwoteens.blogspot.com/ and the second one is my new one http://www.extremeredneck.com/
Is it ok if I do that?
November 26th, 2007 at 9:01 am
The wide open plain of your heart never fails to amaze me, T. You are a blessing to your family and that little boy or girl will be so very lucky to have all of you.
November 26th, 2007 at 9:08 am
your just amazing!
November 26th, 2007 at 9:09 am
I know some of the frustrations of dealing with hospitalizations, wrangling with the school system in order to get my child the education he is entitled to, and the joy of that enormous spirit just shining its love upon all. I’m glad you opted to allow another child to shine his light upon you and yours.
November 26th, 2007 at 9:12 am
Oh, T. He or she will be so so lucky to have you.
And I am always in awe of you, willingly stepping back on that path, the one that so many away from. You amaze me, friend.
November 26th, 2007 at 9:57 am
I can think of a million comments to this post, but I’ll just leave it as, You guys rock!
November 26th, 2007 at 10:00 am
Simply beautiful.
November 26th, 2007 at 10:10 am
Oh how do I love you more each time I read your posts? Damn - that kid is going to be the luckiest kid on this planet.
November 26th, 2007 at 10:28 am
What a loving tribute - and yes, your heart is a wide open plain that most would do well to emulate.
November 26th, 2007 at 10:38 am
Heartwrenching….Yet beautiful.
November 26th, 2007 at 10:41 am
You always seem to find the pefect words to describe the situation, some little boy or girl is going to become part of a very special and unique home and that’s going to make them too lucky for words xx
November 26th, 2007 at 10:43 am
I always thought the cruelest thing about death is that life goes on.
I love seeing pictures of all your kids, but Bug, especially.
November 26th, 2007 at 10:45 am
Oh Redneck. Your love is so damn huge.
I said this over at Making Other Plans, and now I will say this to you.
There is a reason the universe saw fit to give Bug to you. (Though for the life of me I will never understand why the universe takes away. That has no fairness in it as I can see).
But you are a kick ass strong woman. And your love is the true ocean. And your new child will love being swept under by it.
xo
November 26th, 2007 at 11:01 am
You deserve all the best in life … and you have more admirers than you’ll ever know.
November 26th, 2007 at 11:15 am
You have a most amazing heart.
November 26th, 2007 at 11:43 am
Eh, what can I add. Your family is awesome. And please don’t misunderstand me when I say extra kudos to Fric and Frac. The fact that they want another special child in their lives humbles me.
November 26th, 2007 at 11:49 am
You not van you crack me up, but you can make me cry. Your kids are so lucky to have you…including the one who hasn’t met you yet.
November 26th, 2007 at 11:49 am
I am waiting - I can’t wait to see!
November 26th, 2007 at 11:49 am
Oh, T. You have such a big heart and so much love to share. That special little one that ends up with you will be so incredibly lucky. (((HUGS))) to you.
November 26th, 2007 at 12:19 pm
Damn T, now you have me crying like a fool….. your a great Mom!
November 26th, 2007 at 1:06 pm
thank god there are kind people like you and your family in this world.
November 26th, 2007 at 1:51 pm
Once again, you have left me in tears and feeling inadequate in the “wordy” sense.
You, Boo, Fric and Frac are truly God’s angels in human form. Bug is smiling down on you, I know it!! I love your vision. If we all could only see the way you do. Whichever child you are blessed with will be so loved. Cant wait to see him or her!
November 26th, 2007 at 2:29 pm
I get it. I worked with mentally handicapped ( and physically) adults for four years before I was nurse. That was the most fulfilling, enjoyable job i ever had, and I would like to get back to it again someday. my oldest son is named after one of guys I took care of that I was very close to.
I have thought about foster care or adoption once our children are grown and since I am a nurse and I have experience with disabilities I think I would want a special needs child.
November 26th, 2007 at 2:33 pm
Under that tough exterior is a puddle of goo… And under that puddle of goo is one tough mother who will go to the ends of the earth for her kids. The next one, who ever she or he is, is one lucky child.
November 26th, 2007 at 2:52 pm
*bows to the master* You are my hero.
November 26th, 2007 at 2:54 pm
Lovely post. You just write how it is.
November 26th, 2007 at 4:48 pm
You are a wonderful person. And that child will know it!
November 26th, 2007 at 5:16 pm
You are very brave and should be commended for moving forward in adopting a child with needs. There are so many that benefit from someone like you.
November 26th, 2007 at 5:28 pm
How absolutely wonderful for that child that they will have a parent who not only knows what they are getting into, but is prepared and asking for it. parents who find themselves in that place cope, they do a wonderful job, but a parent with experience in navigating all the medical systems and the emotional ups and downs may be even more prepared and able to advocate for that child. I am duly impressed at your strong self and your big heart, T.
November 26th, 2007 at 6:14 pm
what a beautiful post from such a beautiful person. wow.
November 26th, 2007 at 8:03 pm
Your Bug touched me through your words in a post from months ago. The two of you altered the light in which I see all people, it was nothing short of transformative. So yes, I shall wait and see, as I know you’ll be changing the world again.
November 26th, 2007 at 9:14 pm
Your first three paragraphs couldn’t describe me better.
But I don’t know that I could ever be as good of a mother as you - to F&F, to Bug, to another little boy or girl with needs beyond what I can ever meet. I have such admiration for you.
November 26th, 2007 at 10:53 pm
I have been silently lurking for quite some time now. Your story of Bug is both heartbreaking and inspiring. I keep checking back to see how the adoption process is going, I can’t wait to see who the lucky child is and get to know him/her through your words.
November 26th, 2007 at 11:14 pm
Lady, I don’t even know what to say since you’ve got me a little choked here…you’ve got a big heart (I can hear it way out from Calif.)
November 27th, 2007 at 6:47 am
I understand what Bug meant to you but I still don’t know if I would willingly do it all over again. Maybe I would feel differently if something happened to my Katie girl, I don’t know. I do know that you will make a world of difference in some child’s life and that’s a wonderful thing.
November 27th, 2007 at 8:18 am
That is one lucky family to have you at the helm.
November 27th, 2007 at 8:38 am
I have something on my blog for you, and I am ever so glad after reading this post that I chose you to receive this…http://cafeendofuniverse.blogspot.com/
You are a remarkable woman, and I hope you know that.
You are right so many would not understand, will not understand, but you are a blessing. Remember that, and we will remember Bug for he is a gift always and forever.
November 27th, 2007 at 8:42 am
You amaze me.
xoxoxo
November 27th, 2007 at 9:43 am
Aww T… I can’t wait for you to get your little one, he or she is out there.. just waiting. After reading you for this time, I understand why, I really do, and am constantly amazed by you.
November 27th, 2007 at 10:59 am
You made me tear up!! You are an amazing person. Any child would be lucky to have you for a mom!!!
November 27th, 2007 at 11:42 am
Your family and that lucky child deserve all the love and happiness in the world. My post-partum heart can barely take this.
November 27th, 2007 at 11:51 am
Very well put ! Thank you for speaking for those that may not be able to do it themselves. Due to a problem at childbirth my cousin’s son was born with CP. Her son, my cousin is an amazing little boy. He is now 13 wheel chair bound, doesn’t speak and I know my cousin struggles regularly to get the world to see him for the incredible little boy that he is. Too often his is dismissed as disabled and others don’t take the time to get to know him and love him as we do. It’s sad, but thank goodness for people like you!!!
November 27th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
you are a truly amazing and strong woman. this child will be so lucky to be a part of your family, and have you as a mother.
November 27th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
Bless your heart, chicka, this is the best answer you could give. Your child was loved.
and not to close a chapter of life, but just add another..another child will be blessed by you and your family. This is very exciting!!
November 27th, 2007 at 3:30 pm
Bless. You. T.
Bless you.
November 27th, 2007 at 3:56 pm
Beautiful.
November 27th, 2007 at 5:01 pm
I don’t have any words - just thanks that you are you, and that you’re a wonderful momma.
November 27th, 2007 at 5:53 pm
Again you have me crying, woman.
I love your perspective and wish you could bottle it and pass it around.
xoxo
November 27th, 2007 at 6:06 pm
Darlin
you are so kind and pretty and funny… i love what you say about ‘discovering the joys of parenthood’… in many ways it’s all taken me by surprise as well.. and now has a central (the most central) role in my life…. your future adopted child is lucky…
November 27th, 2007 at 8:07 pm
i always love seeing pictures of Bug.
and this love you spread around? it won’t only touch the new little one who comes to you. it touches all of us, as well, and teaches us that some of the things we think are scariest are really gifts.
thanks.
November 28th, 2007 at 7:06 am
wow. although i’m a relatively new reader and haven’t commented before, i felt compelled. i’m sorry for your and your childrens’ deep loss. i don’t know if i could choose to adopt a child w/special needs but mums like you inspire me.
November 28th, 2007 at 8:52 am
Everytime you post about Bug, I feel like I know him a little more. Thanks.
November 28th, 2007 at 10:56 am
Again with the crying. You are a wonder woman.
November 28th, 2007 at 12:18 pm
One of the guys that my husband works for jumped through tremendous hoops to adopt a child with Leukemia from China. The boy they apopted–Charley–was born to parents could not afford his care (as is often the case in such situations), so he was given to the state. Once adopted, Charley lived here in the US with his new parents for a little over a year before he passed away–but it was so evident that it was the happiest and fullest year of his life. He had what he had prayed for in China–parents to love him and care for him. At the funeral all I could think about was what a special and inspirational couple his adoptive mom and dad are. And so are you and Boo.
November 28th, 2007 at 7:12 pm
Uh, not to discount the warm fuzzies going on, but aren’t you on Vacation?
Oh, maybe you’re back.
I get your point, and wowza.
xoxo
November 28th, 2007 at 8:40 pm
Just catching up with you and find this… I do love you, Tanis. You are the real deal.
xo,
J
November 28th, 2007 at 9:03 pm
Looking forward to meeting (hearing about) your new little one and letting his/her light shine on me.
November 28th, 2007 at 9:06 pm
T this is beautiful.
I want to say that your child will be so lucky, but you have made it clear that you are the lucky ones.
I cannot wait to see.
November 29th, 2007 at 11:46 am
I can’t wait to meet your child, too. You have the most wonderful way with words.
November 29th, 2007 at 2:09 pm
You humble me.
November 29th, 2007 at 2:16 pm
Sharing your love and life so unselfishly with someone who needs it is such an amazing and honorable act. We should all take a page from your book er, blog
November 29th, 2007 at 11:28 pm
I am sorry I don’t know Bug’s story but he sounds like a beautiful little boy.Much loved and deeply missed. I wish you everything in your adoption of a child with special needs. May you be blessed mightily.
November 30th, 2007 at 9:37 am
This is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your wit, your heart, and your wisdom.
November 30th, 2007 at 2:47 pm
Wow. I’m sitting here in tears. What an amazing woman you are. God bless you and your family.
December 1st, 2007 at 5:56 am
My husband died 11 days ago. thank you for sharing your bug stories, it gives me hope that I too can continue with a somewhat normal life.
December 1st, 2007 at 11:18 am
I just love you. Trial by fire made someone very, very beautiful rise from those ashes. You make me believe that there is much more to this world than meets the eye. Rooting for you and your new adventures of love more than I can possibly say. xo
December 11th, 2007 at 6:32 pm
I am sobbing.
December 19th, 2007 at 5:38 pm
It takes a special person, and a special family. What a lovely tribute.