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Yes, I’m a Woman Driver. Get Over It.
Having spent the last couple of weeks cavorting with a hot blonde while heavily intoxicated and slightly naked, I am finding it a bit challenging slipping back into the routine of everyday life. (What do you mean there are no mimosas with breakfast? You mean, I actually have to cook? For other people????)
The weather isn’t helping matters either. Apparently, we’re in a deep freeze up here in the land of igloos and dog sleds. Enjoying a sixty degree drop in temperature hasn’t exactly been a lot of fun. I’m walking around, trussed up in a plethora of sweaters trying to encourage my body to remember I’m a born and bred hoser; a gal, who before her foray into tropical oceans and sandy beaches, embraced mittens and scarves and loved playing in the white stuff.
Suddenly, my body has betrayed me and my heritage; screaming at me to toss another log on the fire while I sit and shiver and dream of sun, sand and humid temperatures. Pansy ass.
Acclimating to the frigid temperatures hasn’t been the only adjustment I’ve had to make since my absence either. I’ve had to dust off my winter driving skills. Or rather, try and develop some.
Skills like learning how not to plow through an intersection, ram into a stop sign or back into the raised flower bed your husband spent a week busting his arse (and two fingers) building for you. Skills to keep your overpriced and still-paying-on vehicle out of a snow bank and safely on the icy road.
Skills like these can save your life, if not your marriage. When your dumb ass darling husband phones you and tells you he forgot his wallet on the dresser and needs you to meet him on the highway to give it to him, (all so he can buy food, pay his rent and have the ability to toss toonies at the local strippers), winter driving skills may come in handy.
But I had forgotten about such mundane necessities during my time in Mexico. It was as though I’d been tropically brainwashed. So when Boo phoned to beg me to bring him his wallet so he wouldn’t have to tack on another hour to his already six hour long drive, I agreed. Because I’m a thoughtful wife like that, always ready to help out and lend a hand.
(It had nothing to do with the fact he spent the last two weeks romancing me or the fact he surprised me with a HUGE and fabulous piece of jewellery that likely cost more than my children’s future university costs and I’m feeling slightly grateful. Just saying.)
I’ve been driving for over a decade now. On Canadian roads. In a variety of weather climates. I’m like the post man…I’ll drive whether it’s rain, sleet or shine. I’ve axle fever, baby. Mamma needs her car keys. (Did I really just refer to myself as mamma?)
Which is why it is freaking amazing that I over looked the fact I have yet to make it through an entire winter season without crashing, sliding or ditching my car in some snow bank. How it slipped my mind is beyond me. I must still be thinking of the yellow-finned tuna I snorkelled with last week.
My charming husband however, did not forget this fact. Which is why he didn’t panic when I didn’t meet him on the highway to pass along his wallet. Which is why he continued to drive towards home while scanning the ditches and looking for my ass stuck in the snow.
“I see you’ve run into some difficulties,” he calmly remarked as he pulled up along side the ditch I was trying to shovel myself out of.
“It’s wicked cold out here! You’d think with all this exertion I’d be warm,” I casually replied as I bent to scoop more snow from behind the tires. I was hoping if I acted normal, he’d overlook the fact I had driven my car into the ditch. On my first day of winter driving.
“I see you didn’t make it very far,” he observed. I swear, my ears were red because they were frost bitten, not because I was humiliated and wishing the earth would swallow me whole.
“Damn tires. They have no tread on them.” I kicked them.
“They’re new. And they’re snow tires. Good try though, blondie,” he snickered as he skillfully drove my car onto the road.
“I loosened up the snow for you. Made it easier for you to get the damn thing out of the ditch.” I shivered as I handed him his wallet.
“Thanks. Can I trust you to make it home safely without driving into anymore snowdrifts?” Funny, I detected a hint of sarcasm buried beneath his look of concern.
“I think so.” I huffed indignantly.
“Good. Because that 500 meters from here to our driveway is a long way to walk. I wouldn’t want you to get cold. Next time see if you can crash the sucker a little closer to the front door,” he giggled as he drove away.
Asshat.
Good thing I didn’t tell him about crashing into the stone flower bed on the way down the driveway. I would never hear the end of it.
December 5th, 2007 at 10:29 am
I’ve never driven in snow. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever even seen a snowdrift. I’d probably end up in a ditch or two after sideswiping a few cars, mailboxes and flower beds along the way.
December 5th, 2007 at 10:36 am
500 meters from the driveway? You do this on purpose so you can be rescued by your knight in shining armour, right?
Question for Boo. I always wondered how do the strippers pick up the toonies, anyway. And do they carry a little change purse instead of a garter belt?
December 5th, 2007 at 10:42 am
You look a whole lot better with a swimming suit than mukluks.
Move south babe, you can always visit the cold hard tundra of O’ Canada anytime you want!
December 5th, 2007 at 11:03 am
Welcome back! Don’t ya miss that warm tropical breeze? BTW, your kids definitely have Boo’s smile.
December 5th, 2007 at 11:07 am
Funny! I always seem to get myself stuck in the snow. Sometimes I don’t even tell my husband to save myself from ridicule.
December 5th, 2007 at 11:49 am
Reminds me of the time last year when, during a huge, huge winter snowstorm, I decided I MUST run out and drop some forms off at Julia’s school. On a day where everything was closed - including the school - and Dave was working from home. Thank god he was, because he had to come and get my sorry ass (and his truck) out of the snow.
December 5th, 2007 at 11:51 am
I giggled along with Boo. I’ll have to remember that as I’m teaching one of my children how to drive in winter weather.
December 5th, 2007 at 11:52 am
Gotta love that winter driving. I would have absolutely no problem with winter if I never had to go anywhere. Alas, staying holed up in the house for 3-4 months is not really an option.
December 5th, 2007 at 12:15 pm
I was wondering about the strippers and the toonies too. Where do they put them? And do they jingle? The toonies, well I guess the strippers too.
And 500 metres woman. I thought you were an Albertan!
December 5th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
See I give up my car keys once the snow hits the ground because I do not need to give Papa Bear more fuel with which to torture me…I have taken out mailboxes and a fort in my attempts at winter driving.
I’d be the idiot who would hit the gas forgetting snow has 0 traction and fly across the yard and with my luck hit the propane tank…
You did make it back home, right?
December 5th, 2007 at 1:06 pm
I always shake my head and marvel at those of us who seem to forget from one winter to the next how to drive in snow… it’s actually quite instructive to hear the other side of it.
I only had one snow-related mishap, several years ago. But hubby was in the car when I gracefully missed a turn and coasted right off the icy road into a snowbank. Try living that one down, especially when you laid on a severe lecture about his inherent sexist tendencies in implying that you were unable to drive in bad weather.
December 5th, 2007 at 1:17 pm
I HATE winter driving. I learned to drive in the winter and that makes no difference. I still skid and slide.
Once I spun out in front of a streetcar who thankfully stopped in plenty of time.
So while most people sit on the train complaining about the commute every day, I actually am quite content to sit and read and not be on the roads.
December 5th, 2007 at 1:42 pm
Baaaahaaaa! (I’m laughing with you, not at you.)
You should see the people down here drive in snow. You’d laugh your ass off. It’s like Armageddon.
December 5th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
I hate snow, I hate snow, I hate snow.
Totally feel your pain, mamma~
December 5th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
As jealous as I am of all that beautiful snow, I am NOT jealous of having to drive in it.
December 5th, 2007 at 3:15 pm
Another hoser heard from here. Driving in snow only really gets tricky when you are driving a stick shift, up a hill, and someone cuts you off. That instills panic. Snowdrifts, I can handle, as long as there is nothing hard behind them.
December 5th, 2007 at 5:20 pm
Why does that crap always happen when someone is going to either witness or find out about it? Winter driving sucks but I do that post man thing too - I’ve driven through the worst of it for fun but stupid reasons. I think I’d miss if if I moved further south. Maybe I’d miss it - just maybe.
December 5th, 2007 at 7:42 pm
Oh dear you sound like me! Everyone who works with me knows that if it should be even slightly slick out (snow or ice) I won’t come to work unless someone picks me up. I am such a pansy but like you’ve I’ve been in many ditches only I can never drive out.
December 5th, 2007 at 8:31 pm
He is one smartass man.
show us your bling!
December 5th, 2007 at 9:04 pm
Isn’t this why God made snow in the first place? To cover up incriminating stone flower bed evidence?
December 6th, 2007 at 12:52 am
OOOOH! Your husband is an asshat too? Fabulous!
I have a hard enough time driving in rain, can’t imagine snow. But we don’t get that around these parts. But right now I would trade shovelling snow and displaying my lack of driving skillz to sweaty breasticles.
Dang it’s freaking hot right now! i just wanna strip off and roll in your snow. But not in a ditch cause it seems your car is taken dibs on those….
December 6th, 2007 at 6:36 am
Not going to comment about the driving, T… I’m just not. AllI can do is give an Amen to what Lawyermama said about driving in Virginia when it snows.
We had less than an inch in the close-in DC suburbs yesterday, and the people lost their effing minds.
For those of us who are Yanks and not up on the Canadian lingo, I’d just like to remind you that a toonie is a two dollar coin.
But you already knew that, didn’t you?
December 6th, 2007 at 9:28 am
Hey, thanks, Gunfighter, I was going to ask what the hell a toonie was. And out here in the boonier suburbs (northern Mo. Co.) we got 3 inches - all you got was half an inch??
As for the snow, well, I’ve grown up here in DC, where people PANIC at the sight of a single snowflake. The stores all run out of bread, milk, and toilet paper, because really, you might slip on that single snowflake if you need to go out somewhere, and just get all crazy. It has gotten progressively worse the longer I’ve lived here. I remember back in HS I had a 1970 Chevelle station wagon that was primer and built like a tank, and we’d slide all over the place but because my dad had taught me how to drive in it in the snow, we’d always get where we were going, and me and my girlfriends (because I HAD to drive a full car around so they’d chip in for gas so I could afford to drive the thing) would jump out and push other cars out of the way. Fun times!
At least he came and looked for you. Mine would have just started calling all over hell and beyond asking me where the hell I was.
December 6th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
whatever. winter sucks.
December 6th, 2007 at 1:11 pm
We get 1/2 an inch here and everything shuts down. Saves me the potential humiliation of the van ending up in the ditch/mailbox/flower bed.
500 meters is impressive, though… *snicker*
December 6th, 2007 at 2:18 pm
I. Can’t. Drive. In. Snow. Just sayin’.
The one time I ever did, I ended up ass backwards in a snowbank. And that was in Abilene Texas. Where it snows like once every couple of years. And not very much.
I suck.
Which is why I live in California. By the ocean. No snow.
Rain? No problem. I can turn in the direction of the skid with the best of ‘em. Hydroplane THIS! LOL.
I sure missed you while you were gone.
December 6th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
This is exactly why I don’t have a drivers’ license and let the transit guys drive the bus.
December 7th, 2007 at 9:46 am
Um, well, it’s just that, I think I’m kinda in love with him.
December 26th, 2007 at 1:42 pm
google search for mukluks+babes (dont ask) led me here. Great stuff!