I think my children are out to get me. Or at the very least, they’re trying to rob me of my youthful good looks and charming dispostion. They’re determined to make me old and feeble before I hit the mid thirties.
Shocking, I know. They’re preteens. But up till now, they’ve been relatively easy kids. As long as I keep them in steady supply of hot chocolate (the kind with marshmallows), allow access to a gaming system and toss some food pellets in their direction, they don’t generally complain too loudly.
They’re even kinda helpful around the house, what with the wood gathering, toilet cleaning and dish washing service they freely provide.
But as of late, my charming children have morphed into soul sucking, angry kids who act like spoiled brats engaged in a cage fighting battle. They’re ready to rip one another’s heads off (and mine too) if someone so much as looks sideways at them.
All of this and they whine. Worse than my three year old nieces. It is charming good times beneath this roof, I tell ya. And I have no relief from it, because my darling husband has tucked his tail and ran for the snow covered hills, under the ruse of pretending to be the sole income provider.
Er, I mean, in his absence my frustration is growing with the lack of parental backup and I really miss the firm, guiding hand a father provides for his children.
I couldn’t figure out why, suddenly, these kids have morphed into carnivorous little demons when they used to be so friendly and loving. Surely hormones don’t just kick in overnight.
(All you parents of teenagers out there pipe down in the peanut gallery. Let me keep my delusions for another year or two, please.)
After yet another day of bad attitudes and miserable behaviour, I was ready to toss them into a snowbank, sit on them and give them a good ole fashioned facewashing with a mitt full of snow. (After all, it always worked when my brother did it to me.) But I worried there might be some kind of law against rubbing their snotty outlooks off with a large snowball, so I did what any stressed out mother would do.
I called my husband and bitched whined. His response? Go open a bottle of wine. That will make everything better. While I like the way the man thinks, it wasn’t quite the response I was looking for.
So I put on my detective hat and started asking questions. Is anything wrong at school? No. Did you have a fight with one of your friends? No. Are you missing your brother more than usual? No. Do you wish I would fuck off and die? A slight pause while they pondered this, but then a unified no. Phew.
Unable to solve the mystery, I sent them to bed and mulled over the problem with a glass of wine. (It gives me clarity. Wink, wink.) This state of affairs was quickly becoming a Me-Or-Them situation and there would be only one person left standing. I wasn’t so confident that person would be me.
Getting up to let my obedient and mercifully well-behaved dog out, I noticed both of their bedroom lamps were on. Hmm. It was more than an hour since I put them to bed. Perhaps they fell asleep and forgot to shut them off. Tiptoeing to their bedroom doors (they’re side by side) I spied the problem.
The little fuckers were reading. Bless their literary souls. Still, as a parent it was my duty to scare the bejeepers out of them order them to shut it down and close the book.
Then the same thing happened the next night and then the next. Turns out my kids aren’t morphing into teenagers before my very eyes, they are just sleep deprived, imaginative little kids who are getting sucked into the pages of creatively written novels.
Every night I hollered at them to turn off their lights. Every night they’d turn them off and then wait until they were sure I was out of sight and then flip their lamps back on. And every morning they’d wake up crabby and grouchy and act like the sleep deprived demons they’d become.
I finally had it. I knew I had options. I could take away their books, but as a book lover and avid reader I couldn’t bring myself to take that route. Or, I could spend my life yelling at them to shut the damn lamps off. I could take away their lamps. Or I could get creative.
I went with imaginative. What would MacGyver do, I wondered? Then it hit me. Last night I sent them off to bed with a kiss and a wink and pretended nothing was different. I listened for the audible click of their lamps and then I made friends with my breaker box.
It was as easy as flipping a switch. I cut their power. They were in complete darkness and had to go to sleep. I had half hoped they would have the nuts to come out and ask what happened to their lamps, but apparently they’re smarter than that. When I was sure they were fast asleep (which happened rather quickly now that they had no light to entertain themselves with) I turned the breaker back on.
This morning, Fric and Frac both asked if I could buy new lightbulbs for their lamps because they seemed to have burned out. Yet when I checked, they magically worked. I know it won’t take long before they figure it out, but I’m going to milk this for as long as possible. Because this morning they were charming and cheerful and rather delightful to be around. Hopefully, they’ll remain that way as the day wears on.
I should feel bad. I know it. But I’ll just tell myself I did it for the environment. Think of the energy I saved.
Mother Earth will thank me.
53 Comments
I used to get in trouble for the same thing when I was a kid. Too bad my mom just stole all of the light bulbs out of the room. It was tough always stumbling around in the dark. haha.
Love your creativity and inherent devious behaviour. You may just survive the teenage years
What a GREAT problem to have! As a librarian, I’m thrilled there are kids out there who are that excited about reading. As a mom, I feel your pain. But they should have lots of time to read during their Christmas break, right?
Environmentalist extraordinaire!
laughing, because ben has been really cranky lately, and, as it turns out, for the exact same reason!
(he’s been reading until 10:30pm. by flashlight.)
I have to remember this one. Classic parenting tricksiness!
That’ll work until they figure out you’re pullin’ their plugs. Just don’t let ‘em buy batteries for their flashlights.
How very clever of you and what a fun way to amuse yourself during what I can only guess are long winters up there in Canadaland! You should take bets on how long it will take them to figure it out!
I freaking adore you.
I did that last year, sort of. (Took the batteries out of the wireless game controllers.)
You are the GENIUS!
(Why do I have to enter my whole slew of info every time? You’re putting the HURT on my lazy.)
That’s coming, very soon…. so far we’ve had reading by nightlight (I’ll pause while you all suck in your breath and mutter about eyestrain) reading by Christmas tree light (the small one in his bedroom) reading by flashlight (Which I can usually figure out because that’s the only time he closes his door) and just….reading.
Holy wow, I think I’m protesting too much.
I think your solution is brilliant. I think I will write this down and save it for the future, but we are not big readers, here.
Too funny - I was allowed to read as long as I wanted when I was growing up - problem is, it puts me right to sleep to read in bed….
That is BRILLIANT.
You are too clever. They don’t have a chance.
This is your chance, once and for all to convince them of the fact that you’re all powerful.
Uh, keep track of the flashlights. They seem to be getting smarter as time goes on.
That’s never good.
Punishing your children for getting edumacated?
You really ARE a redneck!
Oh man you are so smart!!!!!! Sooooo smart!
I’m thanking you. Brilliant.
I’m sure from somewhere above, cruising along in his private jet, Al Gore thanks you as well.
And perhaps that is it with Big A; why she despises me of late–she’s just too tired to be appreciative of how wonderful it is to be in my presence.
Off to locate the breaker box.
Somebody needs to switch off my breaker box.
(Does that sound dirty?)
I always dreamed of having a flashlight to read under the covers! I still only get about five hours sleep a night. I’m allowed to stay up now as late as I like.
That was an awesome solution! You’re da bomb RM.
I’m storing this idea for future use. Brilliant! Whining worse than 3 year olds? Honey, come on over to my house!
I ADORE reading. My children haven’t quite caught on to it like I do. With my luck, they will end up as men whose reading consists of buying Playboy “For the articles”. Sigh.
My mom had a great solution for me when I was a kid. My bedtime was at 9:30. I had the option of going to bed at 9:00 and being allowed to read until 10:00pm OR just going to bed and sleeping at 9:30. I always picked reading.
Absolutely brilliant!!! I love nuts-and-bolts solutions to parenting conundrums. I am going to keep this one in my back pocket…except with the age of my children, I might have to use reverse dimmers with remote access for any “mood” lighting when they are watching TV with the people they are sure to start dating soon.
I think you should come out with a bracelet that reads WWMD (What Would McGyver Do?)
Cool problem to have. Just make sure to unplug the TV and hide the video games, and they’ll have to read at decent hours.
Around here, the books distract from chores, so I have to take ‘em away until tasks are finished. How sad, but the book doesn’t grow mold at the same rate as the dirty dishes.
Ooh, very clever. It must have been the wine that helped with that solution.
But as someone already said, watch out for your flashlights and candles. I know how I was at that age. This fight has only just begun. Bwahahahaha!
Brilliant. Bloody brilliant. I think the battle has just begun, though.
Holy sh*t dude, that is the one of the most briliiant strokes of parenting genius I’ve ever heard.
You rock!
That is BRILLIANT!!!!!!!! My mother never thought of that. I have to warn you. They may find a flashlight. I did.
I would stay up until 3am reading and wake up crabby. Just hide the flashlights. Then, hide the batteries.
LOL.
Frilliant. That’s a new word I just made up and it describes you perfectly.
I loved this post! You won in the end and that’s all that matters! Yay team mom
This will be an awesome story for the grandkids one day.
It catches up about day 3 or 4. They come home from school, and go immediately to bed and you can’t even wake them up for supper.
Or, you get the “you bad mommy” call from the school, because your little bratling — I mean darling child — fell ASLEEP IN CLASS AND WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU DON’T YOU SEND THEM TO BED AT A DECENT HOUR????
LOL. Could be worse; they could be sneaking out the window to party with the neighbors after you go to bed!
MacGyver is in the HOUUUUUUUUUUUSE! And you didn’t even need a paper clip or gum wrapper to work your magic baby.
Books ? Really ? Ha I’d actually buy more lights if my teenage stepdaughters would actually stay up reading. Sadly it’s not their cup of tea…no matter how hard I try to bribe them…I mean share with them my love of books.
Brilliant idea to flip the breaker!!!
However - I was such the little reading geek, I put a towel over the lampshade and nearly burnt the house down!! Just a little 2 cents from super-reader Kat….(aka dumbarse)
Absolutely brilliant…Mine aren’t old enough to morph into book loving little boogers…I’ll have to keep that trick up my sleeve at a later date.
You are the bomb…I have to keep reading your blog!!!
I was also going to say you’d better hide all the flashlights and batteries as well.
Good detective work, Nancy.
What a caper.
lmao.
I cut the tv out during the day (except for an hour) and STILL have that problem at night.
Just make sure Boo isn’t buying them facking flashlights for Christmas just to continue to drive you insane from afar….
“What would MacGyver do” LOL
I think it’s the Mullet that gives him his superpowers.
i only wish i was sitting there with a wine glass (or two) in hand, laughing my ass off.
Brilliant! And funny.
Hope they turn to flashlights next instead of candles. Open flames and preteens do not go well together.
omg, you are a parenting guru. GURU.
This is the best idea! I’m writing this down in my “parenting tips to try in a few years” book.
Hey! Me too.
Lexi is nine and has started reading like, well, me. Reading, reading, staying up late and grunting all morning.
Thanks for commiserating with me: grumpy kids, and a traveling man.
You, my dear, are a genius.
That is a great idea, I will have to remember that one. I love the way your mind works!
That was pretty creative! I’ve never thought of trying that, but now that I know…I’ll keep that one in mind for when my kids hit preteen!
I would have just confiscated the bulbs…
I used a towel to block the light IN my room when I was a kid. Heh. Good job though, our breaker box was literally right outside my bedroom door, she would have been soooo busted.
If the Environment won’t thank you, at least I will.