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Stuck in Hamster Hell
It was a tough day yesterday. We suffered yet another death in our family.
Fric’s hamster Rosie, bit the biscuit. Or rather, her cage-mate (whom I shall now and forever affectionately refer to as Chomp) bit Rosie. Right through her spine, severing it. Along with taking a pound of hamster flesh, right out of Rosie’s hide.
Apparently, while we all slumbered peacefully, dreaming of sugar plums and candy canes, Chomp and Rosie were engaged in a hamster smack down. A fight to the death. A duel where only one over-fed furball could survive.
I woke up to find my daughter standing at my bedside, in tears, holding a bleeding and still breathing hamster in front of my nose, urging me to heal her and make things right. Short of grabbing a broom and beating the poor thing to death, there really wasn’t much I could do.
While examining the bleeding rodent I thought of a multitude of other things I would have preferred to do that morning. Have some coffee. Get a brazilian. Build a snowfort while completely nude. Yet here I was, pretending to know what the hell I was doing as the sad hamster lay in my hand and struggled to live.
Why couldn’t this happen tomorrow night, I thought to myself, when their damn father would be home to deal with it? Just my friggin luck I muttered under my breath. “What was that mom?” Fric inquired innocently.
“I was just saying how poor Rosie doesn’t seem to have any luck,” I covered.
After sending the kids to school and promising to play Nurse Jane to the little rat, I closed the box and put it on the table. The damn poor thing was taking her sweet time kicking the proverbial bucket. At least Frac’s mouse Dave, had the decency to died quickly, thereby causing me less stress. Not Rosie. She was a fighter. She stayed with me all afternoon. She haunted me. She robbed me of the joy of blogging life while I wrung my hands and worried she was in pain.
Plus, I was a little skeeved out by the fact there was a shredded and mutilated animal in pain and slowly dying while occupying space on my kitchen table. The place where I put food. Ew.
Just as I was working up the courage to grab the broom and help her on her merry little way, she finally gasped her last breath and made her exit. I swear I could hear the death rattle across the room. Damn hamster. She always was a drama queen.
But now what? The kids would be home soon, and I had promised to take care of the situation for them. I did not want to sit through yet another rodent funeral. It’s not like I could bury the little critter anyways, with the frozen ground. And I was not sticking her in my freezer to wait for the day the ground thaws.
I eyed my woodstove, blazing away in the corner of my family room. I could cremate her, but I was fairly sure the hubs would object to the use of the wood stove in that manner. I didn’t want to risk flushing her and having her plug up my pipes with her fat little carcass. Yet it seemed so disrespectful to just toss her in the trash like she was a just another dead rodent. She was my kid’s beloved pet after all.
The pressure mounted as I eyed the box holding Rosie’s remains. As I fretted over what to do with the rat, I envisioned her starting to rot and maggots crawling out of her body. Lovely.
Suddenly, movement flashed out of the corner of my eye.
There was a cat sitting on my back deck, sniffing my barbeque. It looked hungry.
I know what you’re thinking. You’d be right. I took the remains of Rosie, waved her under the hungry kitty’s cold nose and then tossed her into the bush. The kitty followed in hot pursuit.
How noble of Rosie, I thought. She would have wanted this, I told myself. She wouldn’t have wanted to go to waste. She was continuing the circle of life.
If Frac asks though, I’ll tell her I cremated her. My lovely and sensitive daughter may not feel as generous about her beloved pet’s remains as I did.
Rest in peace dear Rosie. Here’s hoping Chomp joins you soon and this hamster hell I’m stuck in will be over.
December 21st, 2007 at 10:58 am
I’m not sure why and not that its funny at all but I snickered a little bit imagining this whole scene. I hope Frac isn’t too upset for too long. God will bless you for even trying to save the poor thing…
December 21st, 2007 at 11:23 am
Oh poor Frac, what a thing to find in the morning.
Poor RM what a thing to have to do, the things we do for our kids. You are a bigger parent than I am, no rat-like pets in my house LOL.
December 21st, 2007 at 11:23 am
Wow - I hope someday I can be as cunning and crafty, er I mean great a mother as you.
December 21st, 2007 at 12:57 pm
I love that, the circle of life. I just spent $250. to save a kitten that was brought to me as a stray. He has an appointment with the vet today to get his stitches out. I didn’t want to spend it but the kids insisted that I must save the cat. I will not allow rat like animals in my home, never have. I had a hamster as a child, it died in the mouse trap my mom set for it after it got loose on day while I was at school.I hope Frac isn’t too upset for too long.
December 21st, 2007 at 1:01 pm
Hakuna Matata! Now let’s hope that cat doesn’t leave the uneaten carcass where the kids find it. Didja think of that? LOL
December 21st, 2007 at 1:19 pm
On the same lines as Kay, wouldn’t that be the shits if kitty yacked up a hairball with tiny little hamster bones in it? Or worse, what if kitty chokes on Fat Rosie?? RIP
December 21st, 2007 at 1:38 pm
RIP Noble Rosie.
But, aaaaaccccccckkkkkkk. RNM…..I love you but that? Tops the list in underhanded cunning. I hope the cat had a lovely dinner.
December 21st, 2007 at 1:50 pm
My brother and I had hamsters when we were younger and I’m pretty sure they were the bane of my mother’s existence. When the first died, we made my mother bury it (along with various roadkill we found) in the backyard. We all sat around the little hamster funeral and said a brief but kind word about Fluffy. The only thing my mother said was, “one down, one to go!”. haha.
December 21st, 2007 at 1:58 pm
In my first library job, in the flush and optimism of youth, I bought a set of darling little gerbils who promptly had babies. The joy! The cuteness! The sharing with my little kids visitors to the library! Oh, I was the ultimate children’s librarian.
Until I found the mother (or father - who could tell?) scarfing down the gnawed-upon babies.
No more rodents for me.
December 21st, 2007 at 2:16 pm
Yeah, we had guinea pigs. Ugly red eyed things. I am sure they snarled at me. The only time my kids cared for them is when they freaking DIED. Then they were all ‘Woe is me’ and crap.
Really pissed me off. Especially when they wanted to hold a funeral.
Now we have a bunny. But my husband has fallen in love with her. Hope she doesn’t die and he makes me hold a funeral for her. He will want to INVITE people……
December 21st, 2007 at 3:16 pm
I really had no idea that hamsters were into death cage matches - they are way tougher than I thought. SB was raised on a farm and I have learned to adapt to this circle of life stuff, your disposal sounds uh… very national geographic / nature channel friendly.
December 21st, 2007 at 5:43 pm
Oh no you DIDN’T.
Well, I suppose it’s the circle of life. The cat will now have a decent meal and you don’t have to deal with the carcass. Until the spring, when you find the skeleton in your bushes. Heh.
December 21st, 2007 at 6:08 pm
I did NOT see that ending coming. But it cracked me up anyway.
I had a flesh-eating hamster too during the interlude between dogs. I think my parents finally decided that another dog would be less of a hassle than all the damn hamsters.
December 21st, 2007 at 6:10 pm
I’ve never, ever heard of a hamster doing quite what Chomps did. Yikes. Erm, I’m guessing from the name that Rosie was female? And that, not wanting exponentially increasing numbers of hamsters, you gave her a female cagemate? As you’ve discovered, bad idea. Female hamsters can’t be expected to share a territory. If you want two hamsters in one cage, stick with males; they’re not as territorial.
…Perhaps the fact that I bred hamsters for the local pet shops for a few years in my early teens should go on my next 100 Things/8 Random Things/6 Weird Things About Me list.
December 21st, 2007 at 6:37 pm
Too bad you didn’t have a problem with blacksnakes in the house. My wife would’ve loved having the dying rodent for bait. Just sleep peacefully knowing kitty had a nice Christmas meal.
For the record, hamster cages and whatnot resell almost for their original prices. Go figure.
December 21st, 2007 at 7:41 pm
Uhm… here’s hoping that cat doesn’t hock up a hamsterhairball at your back door. Rest in peace Rosie and in the pit of the kitty’s belly where you belong. Merry Christmas Redneck, my fellow Canadian crazy.
December 21st, 2007 at 7:58 pm
Sorry for your loss. You got to watch out for those hamstercidal, cannabalistic hamsters.
December 21st, 2007 at 8:52 pm
Son had his first hamster Homer #1 die on Holloween, had to leave a holloween party to check on it and bury it. Well husband was home from Iraq and could not have his darling son crying his eyes out for Homer #1 sooo….we went to the pet store to buy Homer #2 (both were females but he had to name them Homer) the NEXT FREAKING DAY. I thought I was out of rodent smelly hell. Oh no. To top it all off, before he went back to Iraq, to be the best daddy in the world, he went and got the darling little brats A FREAKING PUPPY. We have two outside beagles, a kitten, a puppy, two african frogs and a dog. So now do I not only have the role of mommy, wife, house keeper, cook, taxi driver, I have the role of litter box cleaner, cage cleaner and potty poopy patrol. Gotta love him.
December 21st, 2007 at 9:40 pm
Good Lord, it is a horror movie over there. You have all my sympathy. We recently had a little mouse try and take refuge under my sofa. The cat couldn’t get to him, so my neighbor whacked him with the end of my Swiffer broom. There was blood on the tip, so now everytime I clean I think of that little mouse and if he would have just stayed on his side of the door life would have been much better. For both of us.
December 22nd, 2007 at 7:22 am
OK, that was really gross. But it made me reflect on all the hamsters, birds, fish, mice and other pets my ingenious childhood cat managed to eat for dinner, thanks to my ernest but rather forgetful little brother - who always managed to leave the cage unprotected. The bodies often ended up at the bottom of my bed - a gift from the cat to her favorite human.
December 22nd, 2007 at 8:04 am
And this is the way the world goes round…the weak feed the powerful. I don’t know about your cat, but mine only eats the heads of rodents. Leaves the rest as a nice bloody little gift for me.
December 22nd, 2007 at 11:00 am
Sweet merciful CRAP! That is just icky. And totally hilarious, FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY. Let’s hope the kitty doesn’t festoon your doorstep with a selection of Rosie’s truncated appendages, festively puked into a heap of future therapy money in the snow. Thank you for this, T. All the recent “oops Mommy almost croaked” guilt, or else the drugs, went to my head the other day and I NEARLY bought my kids a rodent. Now I remember that you do not BUY these pint-sized pets. You put a future tragedy of unknown but certainly epic proportion ON LAYAWAY. Crisis averted!
December 22nd, 2007 at 5:21 pm
So you fed the cat the hampster, eh? You know what they say about feeding strays…
You may have lost a hampster, but look at the bright side: You’ve probably just gained a cat. Won’t Fric be thrilled!
December 22nd, 2007 at 6:56 pm
I can’t believe you fed the hamster to the cat… *snicker* I was thinking you’d wrap it in several plastic baggies and toss it, but noooo! You had to take the cake with this one. Bwa ha ha ha!!!
Lesson learned: This is why you’re not supposed to keep hamsters together after they “mature.” Littermates may co-exist in a big enough cage, but more often than not, one will kill the other.
December 23rd, 2007 at 9:12 am
oh, poor Rosie. I lost two just this same way. I am now wondering if my mother fed their remains to the cat.
December 23rd, 2007 at 10:27 am
I would have been in tears the whole day. I must say, you are ingenious with your rodent disposal ideas.
December 23rd, 2007 at 3:39 pm
Hey, way to recycle! ;^)
We had a hamster when I was a kid. One day I noticed it was still “sleeping” in the same spot where it had been for a few days. I shook the cage a little and realized poor Hammy was dead as a doornail. I think we just dumped the whole thing in the trash — outside. Between that and the hamster’s uncanny ability to escape from its cage regularly and roam the house, my parents were sooo done with rodent pets.
December 23rd, 2007 at 4:07 pm
Merry Christmas!
December 23rd, 2007 at 4:46 pm
Aaack! What an awful story! Cremation would’ve been better. I had to put our dying hamster out of its misery too. I put him in a box, taped a hose to it, attached it to the car exhaust, and turned the car on. A few minutes and it was all over. Euthanasia at its best! (Good God, how do we get stuck with these jobs?)
December 23rd, 2007 at 5:48 pm
Happy Christmas, darlin’.
December 23rd, 2007 at 7:02 pm
How very Buddhist.
December 24th, 2007 at 12:20 am
I’m laughing…
Now I feel guilty.
December 24th, 2007 at 1:14 am
[…] Brava!! A great look into life and death in hamster world. […]
December 24th, 2007 at 2:09 pm
I have no idea what I would’ve done, because with my luck, there would be no kitty to save the day!