Since pushing three children out of my uterus, my new year’s celebrations have been relatively tame. It’s not as though I lost the urge to party like it’s 1999 with every subsequent pregnancy. It’s more I have no desire to try and find a sitter who would generally end up to be some drugged out tween with more body piercings than I have and then be forced to fork over hundreds of my husband’s hard earned dollars all for the privilege of dancing on a few speakers and blowing into a noise maker at midnight and then whispering and and whimpering for an ice pack, dried toast and some facking tylenol, please, the next day.
(That is a lovely run on sentence. My grade nine teacher would be proud.)
Instead of paying for that misery, I thought to myself, how could I do that for less? What could be better? And more painful?
Hmmm….Something that includes the children, is cheap and fun. And includes alcoholic beverages. Cuz it’s new year. (Like I need a reason to crack open the vino….)
In my lovely twisted brain, a mental image sprung forth, and our new year’s party was born.
We’re having a skating party.
Cuz nothing says “Happy New Year!” like falling on your ass while being circled by small children wearing knives on their feet as you are slightly inebriated.
Never mind the fact I haven’t been on skates since I was ten. That would be 22 years ago for those of you doing the math.
Never mind the fact I don’t own skates. I do own a pond. That’s all I need.
(Well, common sense would help too…)
So the hubs bought me some skates shoveled off the pond to make way for the big night. Common sense told me I better at least try my skates on before having hordes of people descend to my house to witness my ass breaking so the family and I bundled up and trudged out to the pond.
It was painfully obvious the moment I stood up on my skates for the first time in two decades that this was a FACKING stupid idea. I figured that out the moment my ass hit the ground. Which was ONE second after I stood up.
My darling husband and my loving children never laughed so hard in their short little lives. Which are now going to be a whole lot shorter since they’ve wounded my ego. Heh. (I kid. Kinda.)
After slipping and sliding and begging for the ice to crack and swallow me whole, I finally managed to skate a short length. Except I forgot how to stop. So down I went again.
While my husband took pictures and cackled about how I’ve been brought down by my own stupidity and my children howled with laughter. AND NO ONE OFFERED TO HELP ME UP.
Ya. So they knew if they tried to pull me up I’d yank them right down into the gutter with me. Still, they could have at least pretended.
And no, I’m not sharing those photos with you. They’ve mysteriously been deleted. I don’t know what happened.
Wink, wink.
After an hour of so, I finally found my skating legs which I feared had been lost in time along with my perky boobs and taut stomach muscles. I can once again skate. It’s not pretty, but I can live with that.
I can now actually participate in my brilliant idea. At least until my ass becomes more bruised than my fragile ego. Then I’ll stick to the snow banks and just serve booze. I mean, egg nog.
My guests are in for a spectacular show tonight. And I’m not talking about the fireworks I bought at the local gas station, either.
He he.
May your new year be filled with much love and joy. And decidedly less bruises than mine.
51 Comments
I wish I could be there! Bone breaking ice and alcohol sound like a great substitute for the indoor scene. Drink enough and you won’t know what hit you! Do you have a portable cd player so you can skate to some disco out there?
Skating part-ay!
I used to be a figure skater, but I haven’t been on the ice in a few years. My hubby doesn’t know how to skate, and he thinks that I shouldn’t even THINK about getting skates for Sacha because there is no way in hell that he is playing hockey.
But how else is he going to have a rockin’ boozin’ skating party when he’s older??
Looks cold. I really don’t do cold. But I’m sure it’s fun.
Have fun. We too are attending a kid’s new years bash. Who said you have to stay home once the kids arrive!
ah yes, you are such a good little mama. a norman rockwellian type of mama…oh hey wait, now i am just going too far.
Happy New Year, love.
You see, this is why I don’t skate. At least you managed to get a funny story out of it. I think I’ll have the exact same party tonight - you know, with alcohol, minus the skating.
Happy New Year - may the vino and whatever delights you manage to find in your bathroom cabinet numb your skating injuries.
Happy New Year RedNeck Mommy - may your ass feel as fine as it looks.
Looks like such a BLAST, wish I could be there. It’s been facking freezing rain here all day so even the fireworks are off. Have fun, stay upright. Or at least drink enough that it doesn’t hurt when you go down like a tree.
Happy New Year!!
Ya know if you still have unsteady legs there is always the push the chair around method
it just might keep your butt happy.
After my second concussion, my doctor made me promise never to go ice-skating again (which is where I got my first concussion). I would definitely require a helmet!
I guess they are skating way behind you in case you break through the ice and start an ice fracture, sort of like when a glacier caves.
The mental image I have of you doing the wife thing on the manpole wearing that moosehead hat has wrecked my mind.
The humanity of it all.
That hat is practical, but really, it does make you look like a character out of a Bullwinkle and Rocket Squirrel episode, or a dudley dowright. LOL
True canadian, hockey skates LOL
Overheard as the munchkin looked over my shoulder at the computer…
Munchkin: Daddy, what is that lady doing? (Yes, she called you a lady.)
SciFi Dad: She’s skating… and falling.
M: Why is she falling?
SFD: Because she can’t skate very well.
M: Why can’t she skate very well?
SFD: Because she is drunk.
M: Why is she drunk?
SFD: Because it’s New Years.
M: Are you drunk Daddy?
SFD: Not yet.
M: Will you fall when you get drunk?
SFD: Probably not.
M: Why not Daddy?
SFD: Because we’re not skating tonight.
M: Why aren’t we skating tonight?
SFD: Because Daddy still has some sense.
M: Oh. OK.
Happy Hogmanay, T! I’m just impressed you could stand up on the ice - that’s more than I can manage
I was going to be snarky, but I know what it feels like to fall on your ass on ice. That crap hurts, like a mofo.
Someone had the brilliant idea of putting up a ice skating rink down here in the Deep South. It was a sea of broken bodies and frozen asses. It is no wonder it has never made a return appearance.
Happy New Year’s bruised ass and all.
Sounds like a good time. Wish I could give you a big smooch at midnight.
I’ll give you a virtual one instead.
[smooch]
Happy New Year, my friend!
Happy New Years!
You know, if you’d just given us the pictures and not told us the story, we never would have guessed…
But then I wouldn’t be snorting tea out my nose, would I?
You sure know how to ring in the new year in style, my dear! A blessing on your bottom, may the wine take the sting out. At least the ice numbs things up a bit, right?
Happy New Years!
Oh those pictures had me swooning. We are sweltering through a heatwave here in Oz and what I would give to be making snow angels!
Ice is harder than when you were a kid cause you have further to fall. And kids like, roll when they fall. We go all stiff and British and try to recover. Go with the fall baby!
Now I am off to sit on the airconditioner with my skirt over it and eat me some cherries. Happy New Year!
I would be snarky and funny, but the last time I fell on ice I ended up in a German hospital for three days - without a word of German - with a suspected fractured pelvis……
So I won’t laugh - but I will snigger sympathetically!
Have a wonderful party, honey, you deserve it!
HAPPY NEW YEARS!!
cq
I give you credit for trying. My poor ankles never could handle ice skating, but I do advise getting drunk first - it numbs the pain.
Happy New Year, RNM. Cheers to a year of fun and joy.
I don’t know if the ice is harder or if we just have farther to fall…
Happy New Year, RNM!
I’m sure you’re ass will still be fine, even when technicolored.
Totally brilliant idea, especially snowbanks as coolers.
Oh, it’s definitely harder than when we were kids. And I didn’t even skate when we were kids. Because I lived in California. Now I live in Alberta. We decided that 7 months of winter has to be good for something and that something does tend to include a good bit of falling on one’s arse it seems. Heck. It was so cold this morning, I felt brave and daring just going for a walk to the frozen park (at which the children cried and yelled that parks were not made for winter use.)
Nice to meet your blog. :^D
lol, I can rollerskate well but ice skating not so good, maybe a few drinks would help me! How deep is the pond when not frozen, does it freeze entirely? I have big fears about falling through frozen ice! Not that theres much danger here in UK, it gets cold and wet here but thats about it, we dream of snow and ice!
As far as troopers go, you are prettier and wittier than most.
Happy New Year!
You…frigid temps, ass cracking falls, lips too frozen to drink. Me…fireplace, TV, snacks. I guess I’m a wimp cause I would choose my night over your night. Though I would have loved to watch the first few minutes of you trying to skate! LOL
That looks like so much fun.
What a great way to bring in the New Year!
You really ARE a glutton for punishment, aren’t you?
You own a pond?? You’re too cool for me to hang with anymore.
And all you need in that picture is the white suit and the Travolta hair helmet.
Happy New Year! Now go ice your butt. Sorry, no more ice. How about a heating pack?
happy new year!
we did kinda the same thing this year. except the huz took the kids skating at the rink in the park while i stayed at home drinking hot chocolate and breastfeeding, and then we all went bowling.
so, nope, not the same thing at all, actually.
“my sorry carcass”
Best line evah.
That camping chair with the cup holder is where I’d be sitting. With a drink in the holder, of course. Looks like fun!
Happy New Year from our home to yours!
The bruises that would result from me ice skating under the influence of alcohol would be scary. I would probably need full body gear. Though I will admit I am quite jealous, I wish I had a frozen pond to skate on! Happy New Year!
Happy New Year Redneck Mommy!
I hope that this year brings you and your family lots of happiness and health!
We love to skate! Your pond is awesome.
After pushing three kids plus another out of my own girlie parts, I would cause a rupture in your ice, too
Happy New Year!
I am in awe of your cool holiday ideas. First the light-seeing bus, and now a skating party on the pond. Wicked good fun!
Happy New Year! At least you can count that as exercise, right? All I did were bicep curls lifting one martini after another to my lips…
happy new year!!!
That looks REALLY fun. (And I thought I was cool going to see Juno.)
Hey! Enough alcohol and your ass won’t feel it. I recommend more booze.
Happy New Year!! Love the iceskating pics!! What an awesome memory for the kids when they are older.
Happy New Year, T!
I have it from a reliable source that Canadian ice is, indeed, harder than the ice down here… which is why I stay well-clear of it.
Kudos to you for making the effort…. you won’t hate me, will you, if I tell you that reasing this post made me laugh really hard?
The sticks look so pretty. I’ve been meaning to get on my skates for years but I like to reminiscence at being good at it and would hate to tarnish the memories.
Hope 2008 is filled with much awesomeness!
How fun! Falling and all.
I suspect you were a vision of grace and loveliness, as ever.
Man - i wish I lived in the sticks - your own pond? Tres cool! I hope you had fun at your skating party!
oooh, sounds awesome. Hope you had a great time.
and that your @ss isn’t too sore!!
Too funny. I strapped on skates three years ago for the first time in oh, about 15 years. I did well, then got all cocky, landed on my ass and broke my left wrist. Just before Christmas. Fun times.
I’ll leave the skating to my kid.
Happy New Year chicka!
Oh better you than me - hopefully you can get Boo to kiss your ass and make it all better
Damn, that sounds like fun, falling and all. Someone had the bright idea to go ice skating for my 30th birthday. I hadn’t been on skates in 12 years. It wasn’t pretty. But at least I could creep around the edge of the rink holding on to something. No such luck on your pond!
You know, I would have killed to have had a frozen pond like that in my back yard when I was a kid. When I lived in North Dakota, we’d get excited when the back yard would flood and then freeze over & we could skate on the crappy little puddles. How sad is that?
That’s acutally a pretty good idea. And me, I haven’t seen hot New Years Action since oh, before 2003, anyhow. It doesn’t seem worth what it would cost to get a basbysitter, if you could even find one who didn’t have her won plans.