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Breathe
Today is my son’s seventh birthday.
There will be no birthday cake. No party, no silly hats, no presents stuffed in gift bags or wrapped in dollar store paper.
There is no boy to blow out the candles and spit all over the cake.
Breathe.
Instead, there is a mother who quietly mourns and wonders if she will ever find the thread to mend her broken heart.
A mother who mourns long after every one else has moved on.
A mom who has to remember to breathe through the hurt and push past the pain to appreciate what still remains.
Breathe.
It is a lonely day today.
Happy Birthday Bug. We miss you. More every damn day it seems.
Breathe.
Posted on January 4th, 2008
January 4th, 2008 at 11:16 am
Happy Birthday, Little Bug.
My wish for you and your Mommy is that she finds the peace she needs, to realize that you are where you are because it is what was best for you, and, even if it is hard to understand, for her as well.
January 4th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Before I started reading this blog, I came across Missing My Bug because I saw in my Technorati links. I read the whole thing - I couldn’t stop. And I’m more than man enough to tell you I cried - I’m tearing up now as I write this. I don’t know why - I know you only through here. Maybe it’s just because I have two small children and there’s some level of empathy - I don’t know. I just feel like I know him and you.
I’ll stop rambling now.
Happy Birthday, Bug.
January 4th, 2008 at 11:22 am
RM, I know you’ll alway grieve him. He was beautiful and now he’s gone. But you’ve turned this into something special. You’ve shared it with the rest of us and made me appreciate my own children so much more.
I only hope that soon his memory will be tinged with less pain and more gentle joy.
Happy Birthday Bug.
January 4th, 2008 at 11:39 am
celebrate this day, although you miss him, knowing he is in spirit, gorgeous and whole.
I can’t imagine how hard it is. Happy Birthday sweet Bug.
January 4th, 2008 at 11:46 am
Happy Birthday Bug!
Thank you for sharing him with me through your blog. He is a very special little guy that I will always think fondly of.
January 4th, 2008 at 11:46 am
Thinking of you today, Mama. And of course of your Bug.
January 4th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Thinking of all of you today - happy birthday bug…
January 4th, 2008 at 11:58 am
Happy Birthday, Bug!
Thank you for letting us all know your Bug. It has enriched my life.
January 4th, 2008 at 11:59 am
I like to think if the unthinkable ever happened to me that I’d be able to cope 1/2 as well as you. I don’t think I could though.
Happy Birthday to Bug! And not that I could even have a clue, but could maybe celebrating his life on his b-day help you all? Maybe a cake and some memories talked about. I’m sure it’s been suggested but I wanted to put that out there. I wish hugs could erase the hurt because I’d wrap my arms around you all so tight your ribs would break.
January 4th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Thinking of Bug, yourself, and your whole family. Hugs all around.
January 4th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Happy Birthday to Bug. I know you have probably heard this before. It does get easier. Never goes away at least not in 8 years. But it really does get easier. We just celebrated what would have been our Doodlebugs 12th birthday on December 22nd. He will have been gone 8 years this coming April. Love Hugs and Blessings to you all
January 4th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Big hugs and kisses, my sweet friend. xo * 100,000,000,000
January 4th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Happy Birthday Bug!- It’s ironic cause your cousin took her Skjel Bear to bed with her last night-she didn’t have her Dolly and asked for you instead.
You are still remembered and will never be forgotten.
Love forever Auntie Joe
January 4th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Happy Birthday Bug. God Bless You and the rest of your family.
January 4th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Happy Birthday Bug.
Hugs to you and your family, Mama.
January 4th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
happy thoughts–may they come your way. But if you feel the need to cry, do. Happy Birthday Bug, my family did not know you, but we do now and our thoughts are with you and you family!
January 4th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
happy birthday, Bug.
you are most certainly in my thoughts today. hugs.
January 4th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Oh, that picture. I’ll be thinking of you and your Bug today.
A thousand hugs.
January 4th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Happy Birthday Bug. Hugs to you on this tough day, RM.
January 4th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Reading that was tough to breathe through RM, I can’t imagine living it - and I’m sorry you are.
Happy birthday up there little bug - I imagine a birthday party in heaven’s a pretty good time.
January 4th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Happy Birthday, dear Bug.
Although we weren’t honoured to know you, and you sound like a lovely little man, your mum has told us all about you and we love you because she loves you.
Huge hugs, T.
cq
January 4th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
I usually lurk but wanted to come out for a moment and say my prayers and thoughts are with you. Happy Birthday Bug!!!
January 4th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Happy Birthday, Bug, enjoy your angel party.
And peace and love and many many hugs to you, T. Thank you for sharing him with us.
January 4th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Hugs RNM.
Happy Birthday Bug. Hugs from all of us.
January 4th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Happy Birthday, dear Bug!
I know you’re sending kisses right back to your amazing mommy and family!
January 4th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Happy Birthday, sweet boy.
January 4th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Happy Birthday Bug.
Thinking of you and your family today.
January 4th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Happy birthday, Bug.
January 4th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
T, thinking of you and your Bug today.
I wish I had more than that to give you.
January 4th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Happy birthday bug! I just shared bug’s story with my guy who is almost the same age. We’ve all got to know him so well through your words.
Sending you all my love today. All of it.
January 4th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Of course you never get over it. Of course you don’t. Thinking of you this day.
January 4th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
I don’t know how you ever get through this. I know it’s got to be harder when you feel everyone else has moved on. Just know that there is one more Canadian who was a total snotbag reading this. I feel you.
January 4th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Add me to the list of people who cried like a blithering idiot reading your tribute. So sorry for you loss and I’m glad Bug had such great parents even if his time here was too short.
January 4th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Remember the joy hon. Celebrate his life and the love you have for him. Happy Birthday Bug.
January 4th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
I’m so sorry. I’m sorry because I know your broken heart will never be mended. I do pray that each and every day the pain eases just a little and in its place, happy memories bring peace and comfort. Thank you for sharing your beautiful boy with us. Happy Birthday, Bug.
January 4th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUG !! Many hugs for your family. God Bless !!
January 4th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
It’s a sad day indeed, for 2 of my 5 favorite bloggers. Tertia (www.tertia.org) lost a son 4 years ago, today, too. I wish you both serenity and happy memories.
January 4th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Happy Birthday, Bug. Thinking of you!
January 4th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Happy Birthday Bug. Sending you and your family many hugs and kisses.
January 4th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Happy Birthday to your Bug and my thoughts are completely with you.
January 4th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Happy Birthday Bug, ((((hugs)))) for you and the kids today sweetie Birthdays and Christmas are right up there with actual heaven day anniversaries I hope you are holding up ok. Maybe it would help top release a balloon for him? I always do that for Leo since I can’t buy him anything else. Thinking of you all today. Hugs Crystal xxx
January 4th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
I don’t think the grief of a mother ever really goes away. It may lessen somewhat, but it’s always going to be there.
Here’s hugging you, and hoping you find some sort of way to get passed it all.
And a HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Bug.
Love to you and yours chicka.
January 4th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Happy Birthday Bug, and a quiet moment in your heart to remember the joy he brought to you.
January 4th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Happy Birthday, Bug. And to Bug’s mama too. We still celebrate you, little one.
January 4th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Happy Birthday to your little Bug. You are so strong (repeat that to yourself because it is so very true). I don’t know about reasons or rhymes or why your amazing little Bug had to go, but I do know that your story has touched many hearts and stretched many minds. Thanks to little Bug for that. Peace and love to you. We mothers understand that when life goes on, your heart is still tormented. It is okay. We can’t ever really understand, but we stand with you.
January 4th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
It’s a terrible thing, not to know what to write here.
I want to say how your love is so tangible that it reaches through even the computer circuits and makes my throat catch and suddenly I remember how R’s head smelled the day she was born - and I want to say that we are all here to share in your pain and although I know that reading your words is a pale, pale shadow of your grief that we mourn with you, every day.
And I think I just said it. Giant hugs, R. He was a truly beautiful little boy.
January 4th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Oh Honey,
I can only send you my love and a million hugs.
Love you!
January 4th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Happy Birthday to the Bug, and much love to you today my friend. ((HUGS))
January 4th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
Happy birthday to your little angel bug.
And hugs and kisses to his mother.
January 4th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Happy birthday Bug.
The exquisite nature of your pain coupled with your incredible zest for life steals my breath. You honor him and bless your other children with your strength and passion.
January 4th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Happy Birthday to your little Bug. I do hope your kiss was sent swiftly to him.
January 4th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
Sending a big, lingering hug your way …
January 4th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
That gorgeous boy of yours is with you.
Hugs (giant ones) to you today.
January 4th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
Sending you love.
Much love.
January 4th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
I have some very special memories of the lil Bug coming by the shop with Boo, tan ,fric and frac
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIL BUDDY
I miss seeing you
January 4th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
Happy Birthday Bug. Hope it’s a good one where you’re at.
January 4th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
A while back, when I first discovered your site, I found your Missing My Bug blog. I read every inch of it, and cried through most of it. Happy Birthday to Bug!
January 5th, 2008 at 12:15 am
Oh happy birthday Bug, and you Mama.. all the love in the world for you today.. happy birthday to you as well RM. *hugs*
January 5th, 2008 at 12:49 am
((((Hugs)))) You can always measure the way someone was loved by the hurt you feel after they are gone. I hope and pray that one day you can remember
only with tears of joy. Happy Birthday Bug.
January 5th, 2008 at 1:57 am
What a Beautiful picture of your little Angel. It looks like he is giving you the sign for I Love You.
January 5th, 2008 at 7:26 am
Happy Birthday Bug.
Thanks T for showing me me my current troubles arent as difficult as others.
January 5th, 2008 at 8:15 am
You were (and are) such a good mama to your Bug… thank you for sharing him with us.
January 5th, 2008 at 8:21 am
Happy Birthday sweet boy.
January 5th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Happy Birthday sweet little Bug and big hugs to your Mama.
January 5th, 2008 at 10:13 am
I’m sorry.
You are doing a great job surviving.
January 5th, 2008 at 10:44 am
He was so lucky to have you as his mama. And you were lucky to have him.
Hugs to you on this difficult day. I’m so sorry.
January 5th, 2008 at 11:30 am
((Hugs)) RM.
Happy Birthday to your wonderful boy. You guys we so lucky to have found each other.
January 5th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Happy Birthday, little Bug. Send your mama warm wishes and a peaceful sign, kay?
January 5th, 2008 at 11:55 am
Your whole family probably does mourn at these times too…but you all are keeping brave faces for each other and not saying much….at least, that is what seems to be going on here.
So sorry…..we, through reading your blog, will happily keep his memory alive.
January 5th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Happy Birthday, Bug.
You and your family are in my thoughts. Big hugs your way.
January 5th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Your kiss, I’m certain, was delivered, on the wings of those angels, whose tears were the reason for the rain that fell today, I just know it.
I’m so sorry; the thought of what you must be feeling wrecks the very core of me.
January 5th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Hey - I’m sorry -it’s a terrible thing having to remember when feeling so damn alone. I hope you’ve felt a few connections here and there today while you just breathe.
January 5th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Hey baby.
Not an easy day. But I’m sending birthday wishes anyway because it will always be a special birth day.
Hugs and kisses and other mushy stuff.
January 5th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Sending lots of love to you and your family on this very special day.
January 5th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Happy birthday Bug, Happy birth day to you … I know you will never forget … even think less of him … but I hope that soem days are better than others … hugs kisses and prayers!
January 5th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
The end of this month my little peanut will have been in heaven for 8 years. She was the 4 year old twin to my son when she died of a terminal syndrome. I know how you feel - really.
What I can say that as the years go on it does get a little easier. The memories that remain aren’t the ones about the medical problems or difficulties but rather the sweet ones about tender moments and sleepy cuddle sessions.
Hannah gets mentioned in our home daily - whether it is remembering her in a mealtme prayer or the kids saying something spontaneous about her. Because of our faith in God we know that we will be reunited with her one day. For now, though, she is with her heavenly father.
Hang in there - it gets easier - and sweeter with time.
Anne
January 5th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Happy birthday, sweet Bug. And many hugs and thoughts to your lovely mommy. xo
January 5th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
Big, huge hugs to you, RM! Thank you so much for sharing your dear little Bug with us. He is surrounded with so much love. *hugs*
January 6th, 2008 at 12:25 am
babe, i am late to the party. so sorry about that.
i’ll forever be honored to share in a small part of Bug’s life through you that hot summer night in chicago. forever, ever, touched by him, by you, by your mothering, by your strength.
he lives in so many ways. i love you.
January 6th, 2008 at 12:36 am
Thinking of you, T….
Happy Birthday, Bug, you are remembered and loved by so many….
January 6th, 2008 at 12:54 am
I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine the grief you and your family must be enduring.
January 6th, 2008 at 9:26 am
Happy Birthday Little Man.
Take care Redneck Mama.
January 6th, 2008 at 9:46 am
Happy Birthday Bug!
I am sure you will be tickled by those kisses from your mama.
January 6th, 2008 at 10:01 am
Hugs to you, sister. You will be with him again someday.
January 6th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Happy Birthday Bug. Mom’s kisses and hugs and buckets of love will find you.
Hugs RNM, lots of hugs from me.
January 6th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
I’m sorry Tannis. Sorry he’s gone, sorry it hurts so bad. Just sorry.
January 6th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
i’m late to this, T…and sorry i missed Bug’s birthday. but the love i would’ve sent goes out today, across the ether…to you and to that proud little spirit who i’m honoured to know, through your words and your love for him.
January 6th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Happy birthday, sweet Bug. And breathe Momma, breathe. If you need me, I’m here, T.
January 6th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Oh T, I can’t even imagine. Wishing the bug a happy bday, and you all the peace you need when you need it.
January 6th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
I had to wait a day to post.
I could have written this post down to the name.
The only difference are the numbers.
You know that already.
I hurt for you.
I hurt that your bug didn’t have more years with you as his wonderful mama.
Damn. Here come the tears.
Hug…
January 6th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Aw. Hugs RM.
That is such a sweet picture of your lil’ guy…
man i remember those wrist breaker knocker things.
Those things were a blast to play with but holy dyin’…when I’d lose control
I’d damn near break my wrist or knock myself out.
Killer ceramic balls indeed.
Hugs again….
January 6th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
T, I’m thinking about you and your Bug.
All my love,
Julie
January 6th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
i like im sure every mother father and human that has read this, i cried, my heart siezed up for a moment…
happy birthday to bug tho i dont know you or him…
and a 5th of your choice of poision…
January 6th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
I am new here (came via Casey) and cannot even imagine what you are feeling. Cannot. My heart aches for you, and I do not know what to say.
Hugs and blessings to you.
January 7th, 2008 at 12:29 am
Happy Birthday, Bug - Hugs, kisses and kind thoughts to you and your family.
January 7th, 2008 at 2:35 am
Happy Birthday Bug xxxx
January 7th, 2008 at 9:17 am
I’m sorry.
I’ll be thinking of you.
My hope for you is that someday his birthday will be a day of celebration, not sadness. But, I know that’s a long way off.
January 7th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Happy Birthday, dear one.
January 7th, 2008 at 9:47 am
God bless you. I can not imagine your pain. I hope you were able to look to good memories to get your through it.
January 7th, 2008 at 10:33 am
Bug is still here. Every person that knows about Bug continues his existence past his end. He and all the other children that have passed away too soon are kept alive in sharing memories of his existence.
I am further down the road than you, Its been 15 years for me this year, and I can say that you will find that thread to repair your heart, but in truth, you will never really close it off, there will always be a zipper for you to peel open, look in and see him smiling as you are crying!
January 7th, 2008 at 10:56 am
My thoughts are with you.
January 7th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
RM - Peace and prayers to you and love to your Bug.
January 7th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Happy birthday to your angel.
January 7th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Ouch. Yes, breathe through the pain, like we were taught in our birthing classes. It won’t take it away but the pain won’t take your breath away either.
I don’t have any words sufficient enough to qualify as helpful… except maybe
….. thank you for sharing your feelings here, my heart goes out to you and your family.
January 7th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
simply beautiful, Happy Birthday precious one.
January 7th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
oh, t. thinking about you, and bug.
January 8th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Oh, honey. You won’t ever have a year where this day doesn’t hurt. But I can’t imagine you’d have it any other way, because forgetting is just not an option, and would be even worse, I’m guessing. Keep breathing, lady, and I’ll send hugs to help you keep standing.
January 8th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
((((((HUGS)))))))
January 8th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
I just stopped by via Y. I don’t know any of your details. But I am there too.
And I am sorry.
I find that the birthdays have hit me harder than the anniversary of my little guy’s death.
It’s the birthday which reminds you of what should have been. The cake you should be making.
January 9th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
Oh, RNM.
My screen is blurry and my heart feels like it’s being squeezed. I imagine that the birthdays and the anniversary dates are so, so hard. Your eloquence and your ability to communicate the complex feelings are helping others, I’m sure of it.
xoxo
January 11th, 2008 at 9:39 am
Darlin’, you changed all of us by writing about Bug. None of us will forget. So much love to you, always.
January 11th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Sweet Bug. Sweet you.