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Good Times At the Grocery Store
***It’s National Delurking Day today. So come out, come out where ever you are. Don’t be shy. I won’t bite. Unless you ask me to…***
If there is one thing I hate more than cooking, giving head and stepping in dog shit, it would be grocery shopping. I can’t think of a worse form of torture for a Tuesday morning than having to wander the aisles of some vast Super-Discount-Vapid-Employees-Cheap-Produce store to squeeze tomatoes.
I have been known to let my children go hungry rather than forage for food at the local supermarket.
I think it all has to do with the time I was four and I ran away from my mother in a seemingly large grocery store and ran up and down the aisles, like the smart ass kid I was until I realized I couldn’t find her and suddenly had a panic attack to beat a panic attack and sat down in the middle of the aisle, wailing “Mommmmmmeeeee!”
She never came.
Apparently, she heard my cries, took one look at my snotty nose and scrunched up face and decided it would be of some benefit to me to wait until she finished up in the bakery department before retrieving me.
Meanwhile, store employees formed a circle around me, poking me with broom handles while hissing.
Really. That’s what I remember.
Since that day I loathe the grocery shopping experience. There is something about Walmart and the mega stores which suck out all the life blood and vibrancy of shoppers and turn them into irritating, mindless, vacant-eyed ghouls who continually ram their carts into the back of my heels.
Fackers.
My best friend knows this about me. She has seen my empty pantry and witnessed my children foraging for berries when I’ve been too lazy struck with fear to face my grocery store demons. And because she cares about my family and the well being of my very cute and charming children, she has taken it upon herself to pick me up every week and hustle my sorry ass to the nearest grocery store.
Picture her stuffing me into her minivan with the sharp end of windshield scraper thingy while I’m cussing and screaming at her. Happens every Tuesday. With her three very young children in the back, staring at me wide eyed and agog and wondering what the hell they did to deserve being saddled with a batshit crazy aunt.
After a particularly noxious shopping experience where I was stuck pushing the cart holding her decidedly gassy and stinky two year old, I decided to take my joy where I could find it in the vast wasteland of consumerism. Have some fun with my very uptight and rigid friend. In other words, torment her like the constant farting of her daughter was tormenting my sensitive olfactory nerve.
As we steered our carts holding precious food supplies and small children (all of her kids are under the age of four) we split up and took different check out aisles. Her on one side, her farting child and me on the other. As luck would have it (because the Grocery Store Gods facking hate me) I was stuck in the line not moving. While her child happily tooted away and kept smacking me in my boob.
I figured I could do one of two things: Feel sorry for myself for my lousy line picking skills or have a little fun at my prim and proper friend’s expense, who was already at the check out kiosk on the other side of the stand.
Guess which road I took? Hint, it wouldn’t be considered the high road.
Grabbing a box of Durex condoms, (God love Walmart for all the crap they bombard you with in the check out aisle) I stood on my tippy toes, waving the box and in my OUTSIDE voice sweetly yelled called “Hey D, they’ve got those extra small condoms you were looking for, you know the RIBBED ones for your pleasure, over here. You want a box?”
The ladies in front of me didn’t think I was so funny. They must know my mom. But the men behind us, in both lines, tittered and watched my friend for her reaction.
She was mortified and red and couldn’t muster an answer except to shoot me the ole “Fuck off and Die” look, (which I’m rather impervious to.) She looked at the man standing behind her in line and then looked at me and shook her head.
Never one to leave things alone, I called out, “Did you get a price check on that KY jelly…you know the kind that heats up? I want to know if that super big bottle you bought is cheaper than the regular size bottle?”
Meanwhile, my line has slowly crept up so I’m opposite her now, with only the cashier between us to protect me from her reaching over and wringing my neck.
Again my friend looks at the man behind her in line (who was now leering openly) and then shot me a look. To her credit, she muttered a comeback. Not a good one, but then she’s not accustomed to some lunatic screeching out her (fictional) private business in the middle of a packed Walmart where she now has about thirty people wondering just how small her husband’s penis really is and what kind of proclivities does one need to use a super sized bottle of heat lube.
As she ushered past me, still stuck in line waiting to be rung out, she hissed something about killing me and then she beat a hasty retreat.
The only thing keeping her from dumping my embarrassing ass and peeling out of the parking lot with out me was I was now holding her flatulent daughter as hostage in my cart. Heh, heh.
Vowing to make it up to her and spring for coffee, (cuz I’m thoughtful like that) I paid for my groceries and started shoving her daughter’s two year old arms into her coat, when the creepy dude who stood behind my friend approached me.
Handing me his business card, he said to me, “Anytime either…or both…of you ladies would like to go out, you just give me a call, sweets.” Then he doffed his greasy ball cap and sauntered off.
I stood there dumbfounded for a moment and a little queered out and then looked at the card he stuffed in my hand.
G-Spot Welding, it read, with the tag line, “Cuz we’re just that good.” On the back he had scribbled, ‘I’m always up to use some lube with a pretty lady. I’ll even provide my own.’
That’ll teach me. Next time I’ll keep my mouth shut.
Or stick to teasing her about tampons.
January 9th, 2008 at 9:36 am
NOTHING clears the room of me better than saying “tampon” repeatedly.
January 9th, 2008 at 9:39 am
Ew. You got jethro-ed. Walmart and the Pilot truck stop are places to be on your best behavior and look your worst, lest you get Jethro-ed. A guy came up to me at Ingles the other day and said…
“You gots purty hair.”
Yeah. Remind me not to fret so much about that greasy ponytail I sport so often. It might save my life one day.
January 9th, 2008 at 9:40 am
I just found you and have realized that whild reading your blog do not drink anything! I am cleaning diet dp off my screen now:)
January 9th, 2008 at 9:42 am
Your freakin’ hilarious. BTW…I’m featuring your blog at my Blog of the Week this week. You always provide a great read.
January 9th, 2008 at 9:45 am
G-Spot Welding?! AWESOME.
January 9th, 2008 at 10:04 am
HAHAHAHAHAHA! That’ll learn ya, won’t it?
Brilliant.
January 9th, 2008 at 10:13 am
Wait. I thought all women loved to give head?
January 9th, 2008 at 10:46 am
Wal-Mart. Always low-brow humor, always.
January 9th, 2008 at 10:50 am
I’m positively ROARING. Good one!
January 9th, 2008 at 11:06 am
When I was working in the oil field, we would use KY jelly to make up electrical connections that needed to be protected from water. It was specifically specified by the manufacturer. So one day there was this whipper snapper young engineer working for me and I told him to go to the local pharmacy and get 4 large tubes. This was a town of 1200 people known as the home of the Heath Candy Company. Anyway, he didnt know what KY was until he came back, his face red as a beet after 45 minutes of driving no less.
Yeah, embarrassment is great fun, especially when its someone else.
January 9th, 2008 at 11:14 am
aaaaahahahaha nice! I wish I had your ability to (lovingly) embarrass a friend…I’d totally be the red-faced one. Good work!
January 9th, 2008 at 11:18 am
There’s always a creep lurking somewhere! Too funny though!
And just for the record, I’m with you on the grocery shopping. I hate it with a passion.
January 9th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Thanks so much for a great laugh and some even better ideas! Think I’ll give my daughter a call and see if she needs to go to WalMart today…
January 9th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Too funny. I am glad I am not a close friend! I blush from the neck up!!
January 9th, 2008 at 11:23 am
G-Spot Welding? I think my va-jay-jay just sewed itself shut.
January 9th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Bwahahaha. I’m so going to copy this the next time I’m shopping with a friend. Well, except for the G-Spot Welding dude.
January 9th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Paybacks - they are so much a bitch. Of course, you could give HER his card. Next time you’re in Walmart.
January 9th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Stories like this is why I love your blog. Nothing this fun ever happens to me while I’m stuck in line at Walmart
January 9th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Oh.My.Gosh. I have tears rolling down my face from laughing so hard. I’m pretty sure you were def. part of my crew of friends in highschool/college.
Thank you for that afternoon belly laugh!
January 9th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Ewwwww. But you DID kinda ask for that kind of attention, hollering about lube. Did you tell him about your other blog, too? He’d loooove it.
January 9th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Handing you his card and commenting was creepy enough, but the fact that he actually wrote you that message is extra-creepy. Bonus! ;^)
January 9th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
That is all.
January 9th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
HotnHorny Welders…in WalMart…….
Hmmmmmm
January 9th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
That’s it. Our next move is to Alberta, FOR SURE.
January 9th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Well if you don’t want him, maybe you could give me his phone number?
KIDDING!!
Yet again you amaze and amuse
January 9th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
hilarious. G spot welding. It couldn’t have worked out more in favor of your story. I almost can’t believe that you not making this up. But at Wal-Mart anything can happen. NE thing
January 9th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
hahaha i like to use the *extra small condums* line when my hubby pisses me off in stores…
he hates it therefore its so much fun.
January 9th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Why do I now feel I got off easy in Chicago? And don’t I know you’re over there giggling because I said “got off”.
January 9th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Too funny and serves you right.
January 9th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Oh ! I so would have said “I think I just puked a little” when he gave you the card! Next time make sure you are surrounded by Grannies and then scream out the nasty stuff , it makes it so much better to see them blush at the things you are saying.
January 9th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
I’m glad someone else has noticed how ridiculous it is that every wal-mart keeps the miniature KY warming gel in the check-out line. I mean, I wonder who really does sit there, and then suddenly think, “hell! I’ve forgotten my warming lube”.
January 9th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
You just made my horrible day worth it.
January 9th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
Oh my facking God, that was hysterical, albeit in a really creepy, I’ve-got-to-take-a-shower now kind of way.
January 9th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
OMG!! LOL You”re a NUT!! I love it!!
January 9th, 2008 at 8:25 pm
Well. I’d say you got yours! Your friend couldn’t have asked for a better ending.
January 9th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
No way. That did not just happen.
January 9th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
G-spot Welding? That’s priceless!
Clearly I need to get some sleep because when I read the first line I though, “Why is she giving head to a dog in a grocery store?” But I guess I wasn’t *too* far off.
Remind me never to go shopping with you.
January 9th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
I’m not sure if you should be flattered, or if you should call the police. You Canadians are a randy bunch, I tell you.
January 9th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
i love going to the grocery store - as long as i go alone. but with you, now that’s a trip i’d like to take.
January 10th, 2008 at 12:02 am
It took me awhile to stop laughing at your opening line.
And then I read that card — wow!
January 10th, 2008 at 7:11 am
I’m calling bullshit on the name of that welding company. Life just doesn’t hand out punchlines like that…does it?
January 10th, 2008 at 7:45 am
EWWWWWWWWWWWW.
Okay that’s just CREEPY!!!
January 10th, 2008 at 8:19 am
my friends are SO going to hate you…because i’m totally going to pull that shit on them!!!
January 10th, 2008 at 9:02 am
This was such a good movie, Bossy is buying another ticket and going in again.
January 10th, 2008 at 9:31 am
I think this is the first time I’ve read your blog, I’ve seen you on cre8buzz. You’re stuff is hilarious! I want you to come to the nursing home with me and shock the hell out of my mother by asking her who my real Daddy is! (She has never told me the truth, though I know it) How marvelous to be able to speak your mind!
January 10th, 2008 at 10:43 am
Hi..just delurking….love the funny stories…
January 10th, 2008 at 10:51 am
I’m not sure I want my G-spot welded. What the heck does that mean???
January 10th, 2008 at 10:52 am
In the Pharmacy area of WalMart I will usually yell out something to Mike about remembering to buy the cream for that really bad rash. He gets soooo mad at me. LOL
You and I would have a great time shopping together T.
January 10th, 2008 at 11:14 am
I hate grocery shopping too.
January 10th, 2008 at 11:15 am
Dude, remind me not to go shopping with you!
Although I hate those damn big stores just as much as you. Especially when you see all these stupid idiots in the express lane with CLEARLY more than 10 items, and they’re all like “Huh? Express lane? That’s crazy talk.”
January 10th, 2008 at 11:18 am
As I live and breathe, I am not making up the name of the welding company.
The card is stuck on my fridge, waiting for my husband to come home. He’ll be thrilled to know I’m collecting trophies at the grocery store while foraging for food.
January 10th, 2008 at 11:20 am
I keep tampons next to my wallet, knowing that no man would ever go near it.
And how hard is it to yell back, “Oh no dear, your feeble mind must not be working you were the one looking for the extra small condoms.” And as for the KY jelly, it heats up, nicely. Thanks for asking.
That is what you get when you ask people to delurk.
By the way, I love grocery shopping.
January 10th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Ewww! That guy sounds so gross!
Delurking to say hi! I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, and I really enjoy it.
January 10th, 2008 at 11:54 am
I’ve read for a while. *blushes* I dont’ know if I’ve ever said hi but HI.
January 10th, 2008 at 11:55 am
I hope your friend stays on your good side, otherwise it’s almost certain that you’ll leave her name and number on your new grocery friend’s voicemail.
January 10th, 2008 at 11:56 am
You totally crack me up and you could not pay me a million dollars to go shopping with you. hehe. And if Canadian StinkyMarts are anything like the US ones, that is a conversation I would NOT have been surprised to hear!
January 10th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
I was reading through the comments on MommaKs site and saw “Redneck” and figured you’ve have a good story to tell! I was cracking up and will now be lurking your blog. You have been warned!
January 10th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Delurking but have been reading for a while now and just love your blog as it always makes me chuckle. Totally with you on the grocery shopping as a vile and loathesome chore. Happy New Year!
January 10th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Technically, not a lurker becuase I just found your site from Amy.
I love grocery store fun. It’s not half as bad as laundry or giving head. Plus there’s always interesting characters at my store (as it sounds like yours does too).
January 10th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
I seriously can’t tell you the last time I’ve laughed like that. I SO do things like that to my friends in public.
January 10th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Like POM, I too am new and wandered over via Amy.
But, this “If there is one thing I hate more than cooking, giving head and stepping in dog shit, it would be grocery shopping” is exactly how I feel about grocery shopping — you just said it so much better. In fact, I think I may print it and hand it over to my husband as a Magna Carta that will excuse me from the chore.
January 10th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
When I was five, my mother left my father. The day she left, I was playing outside and she came out and told me that she was going to the grocery store. Never got over that and have grocery store issues today.
January 10th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Also delurking, been here a few months via Gunfighter.
I’m with you on major grocery shopping trips. I’m okay if its to the little shop near us to pick up milk, bread or fresh veggies, but I hate the stuffed-to-the-gills overflowing-cart trips at the big store.
January 10th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
totally delurking - i totally want to take a road trip to meet you!!!!!! but do not wish to go shopping with you…. love it, keep ‘em coming!!!!!
January 10th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
It’s National Delurking Day? Who knew?
I used to love going to the grocery store… now it’s my most dreaded chore, well, after emptying the dishwasher, that’s hands down the worst.
Who the Hell propositions women out shopping with their young kids? That is unbelievably creepy.
January 10th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
I don’t understand why you hate grocery shopping. It sounds like you had a (farking) blast.
January 10th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
delurking to say hi from me… the newbie ^__^
i love your blog !!
January 10th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
I’m de-lurking. This made me crackup outloud in my cubicle. There’s nothing funny about my work so I’m sure everyone thinks Ive gone crazy, but that was just too funny to hold it in! I never think of stuff like that. Do you think she’ll ever take you shopping again?
January 10th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
I USED to have a friend that I USED to go shopping with who would yell from her line across to my line “HEY, are you going to pay for all that stuff you stuffed in your purse?”
G-Spot welding! Maybe a posting of the card would be appropriate? You can’t possibly be the only one he’s given his card to. He’d never know who *spread* the word that he’s in the market for a little sumpn-sumpn.
January 10th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Delurking. Hilarious, yet creepy, story. I’m with ya on the grocery shopping, though. Absolutely hate it.
January 10th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
The wine isle is the ONLY thing that gets me through the grocery store. That and free samples. I adore people giving me a snack while shopping.
When did I become such a free sample whore?
January 10th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Delurking to say hi, found you from, um, can’t exactly remember where, but, you’re freakin hilarious, so I stay.
Side note, my dad and my aunt used to grocery shop together, and they did all the pranks on each other, including the condoms. Dad won, though, when they had finished checking out and my aunt came up to him to head to the car. He turned around with a totally pissed off look and said, as loud as he could, “Look, lady, I already told you that I am not interested in any orgy that you are offering! Would you please quit following me around?” My aunt wouldn’t take him shopping with her for months.
January 10th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
I’m delurking, duder, because you’re hilarious. But, in my own defense, I have only been “lurking” for a day. But I think you’re rad.
January 10th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Man, are you sure we’re not related. Me: not diggin the bj’s either and despice grocery shopping!
My intense dislike of shopping came when I took my very tired twin toddlers to the huge discount grocery store. Lets just say there was screaming, things thrown from the cart, crushed groceries, tears, fights on who’d sit where.
After that it just became..well not fun.
I used to love doing it in college when it wasn’t my money but my dad’s. yeah something about spending my own money…not quite as fun either.
January 10th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
OMFG ARE WE RELATED? I am so down for being embarassing to my friends the condoms…lol the Super Size warming lube….fucking hilarious…G-Spot Welding….Priceless:)
Melissa BTW been reading for awhile love your site!!
January 10th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Hilarious post. Love your blog by the way! You’re a great writer.
January 10th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Delurking to say ‘hi’! You really make me laugh (and sometimes cry!) thanks for sharing it all.
January 10th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Delurking to say Hi and I love your blog….A woman after my own heart!!!
January 10th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Totally love it. I just enjoy torturing my 16 year old at the store, she hates going anywhere with me so I go shopping with her, in my jammies, slippers, hair made to look like I just got out of bed and run around singing off key “I’m C’s mom, look at me I’m C’s mom crazy as can be!!!” I just looooooovvvveee doing that to her. Make’s raising a teenager fun at times (well some times anyway)
January 10th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
ohhh that’s so creepy
serves you right (OMG I so would do that to a victim, I mean friend/sibling)
(the ditz in me wonders if that the company exists or is that his elaborate pick up routine)
January 10th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
I dare you to yell out hemorrhoid cream! Or yeast infection! Ohhhh so much you can have fun with at walmart! You’re freaking hilarious!
January 10th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Hey! I read your website every single day…you make me laugh so hard sometimes! I never comment cuz I’m shy but since it’s de-lurking day and all….HI!!!
January 10th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
OMG you are the best..this is the greatest story I’ve read in weeks. We met a guy like that many years ago. As he leaned over the side window of the car, all we saw is a tee shirt with BO stain and a pack of cigarettes under the short sleeve. I thought my friend and I would die… He was a redneck for real… My best to you..
Dorothy from grammology
remember to call gram
http://grammology.com
January 10th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
Delurked. Thanks for the laughs and the thoughts. Your middle of nowhere makes mine look like a booming metropolis.
January 10th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
That’s hilarious. Meant to delurk a while back, but didn’t.
The best tagline I ever saw was for a bricklayer–”get laid by the best”, on a truck full of construction workers. It made me smile. Thanks for a good laugh.
January 10th, 2008 at 11:08 pm
delurking. just recently started reading and i love it! thank you for sharing your stories.
January 10th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
OK then I’m out of the lurking cupboard - only cause you asked nice LOL
I have been stalking yr blog for months - don’t be scared I live in the land of Aus.
By the way it’s bloody hot here at the moment - yeah I thought you needed to know that LOL with all that snow & pretty ice you have there ROFLAO
XX Sharon
January 11th, 2008 at 12:04 am
delurking… i come in peace! good post as always, i always read your blog but never leave a comment… you get so many comments… didn’t think you’ll miss mine! greetings from a sunny South Africa
January 11th, 2008 at 5:59 am
So, how have I not stumbled into your site before? It’s awesome.
Happy (day after) Delurking Day.
January 11th, 2008 at 6:04 am
I once did something similar to a friend in a busy urban drug store… but I used hemmorid medicine instead
I would love it if people would delurk on mahlers on safari. I’ve had 200 people look at my site in the past 24 hours and not a single comment! It is not fair
But I always love your blogs… and will continue lurking…
January 11th, 2008 at 6:07 am
You know, I’ve lurked on your site plenty of times but I’ve always been really shy about commenting. I don’t know WHY.
The ONLY time I’ve ever been hit on in the grocery store is when I was HUGELY pregnant with The Girl. The guy told me he had a “thing” for pregnant ladies. How flattering.
January 11th, 2008 at 7:20 am
Holy crap of a stick! You just made my Friday…and Its definately something I am going to do to my friend, regardless of the outcome…Creepy man or no!
January 11th, 2008 at 9:29 am
I just spent 4 days reading all your archives - I love your writing! Hope you are having a good start to the new year and I look forward to reading many more blogs from you!!!
January 11th, 2008 at 9:36 am
I told you would be SO the pole-dancing queen. Even creepy strangers see it.
HILARIOUS.
Sadly, I think I would actually feel flattered if that happened to me this week.
January 11th, 2008 at 11:11 am
I have read your blog for a very long time, not much of a commenter, though. And I’m not sure how I found you. I think it was some sort of blogger awards thing and you were nominated, and I was hooked.
January 11th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Hi! I read your blog all the time. Usually I never comment because someone else has already said whatever I was going to say. lol. So I am delurking today.
January 11th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Delurking.. a day late… I’ve been reading your blog for a year or so I guess… found you from Mamma Tulip or Tink…I’m not sure but I lurk on their blogs too. Never wanted to comment because..well just because…too shy I guess, but I will come out today since you asked. I totally enjoy your blogs (both of them) as you always make think, learn something, laugh or cry
You and Mamma T can do it every time. Keep it up!
January 11th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Get OUT! I have to go shower now. You’re too much lady. If I was your friend, I woulda told Mr Welder that you needed a ride home ;P
January 11th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
I’ve never seen so many delurkers in a comments section - you rockstar! You’ve a great gift making us laugh the way you do, thanks for putting it out there.
January 12th, 2008 at 11:32 am
Your friend should have just cheerfully yelled back, “Sure! Get me a box o’ them tiny condoms. I’m gonna need ‘em next time I hook up with your husband!” That’s what I would have done.
January 12th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Had to make it 101 - LOL.
Love your blog.
January 13th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
I think you need to get that business card into rotation…flyers, bathroom stalls, etc…and see how the guy’s wife or coworkers react when they recognize his number. What a goon.
January 16th, 2008 at 6:43 am
SOmebody found you blog via my blog?
She didn’t even delurk at MY place!
Damn!
Maybe I should call my blog “G-spot pistolcraft - We ALWAYS hit our targets”
June 10th, 2008 at 4:39 am
Jethro-ed @ Walmart. Love it! I had a creepy redneck yard man stop on the way to his job in my neighborhood to hoot out the window and wave his tongue at me. I was jogging…pushing a stroller…and visibly pregnant. If I had a tube of KY I would have thrown it at his ugly face. After that I started jogging with a gun in the storage bin of my stroller.