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Smart Spelling
Back in the day when my kids were itty bitty wee ones, when they were cute and little and could be tied to a chair to get them to sit still, (with a sweater people…I tried to avoid rope…left too many burn marks), I used to sing that annoying song The Wheels On the Bus to them all the time.
(Gotta admit, I kinda wish I had used that version…)
When I wasn’t singing them the bus song…the cleaner version…I was prancing around, shaking my booty and belting out my wedding song.
Ah, memories. How sweet they are. I can still see my mother and MIL’s faces when the music started.
I digress. From an early age, the school bus has played a role in my children’s lives; morphing from a silly bonding song where they were subjected to the off key hollering of their tone deaf mother to what is now their primary mode of daily transportation, where they spend almost two hours of each day being bumped and shuffled along until the bus safely arrives at the end of my driveway.
The distant rumble of the school bus serves as an alarm for me to get my ass off the computer and grab a vacuum. I wouldn’t want them to know I spend most of the day on the Internets, surfing for porn reading blogs, while wearing a bathrobe.
I do have an image to maintain.
Yesterday, as they scampered up our long driveway and burst into the house like a pack of rabid rhinoceroses, they brought with them more excitement than normal.
I am unaccustomed to such an entry. Usually they are fighting and arguing and racing to rat one another out over who said the dirtiest word on the school bus.
This cheerful entry had me suspicious.
“Hey peeps. What’s up?” I asked as I looked for evidence of a sugar high. No candy wrappers in sight. No sugar on their breath. Hmmm…
“Mom! I’m trying out for the spelling bee competition and if I win I get to go to the Scripps National spelling bee in Washington!” Waves of excitement are rolling off this kid now.
“Well, it can’t be as simple as that, kiddo. They don’t just hand out tickets to that event to any hillbilly.”
“Well, I’ve got to win the school competition, the regional competition, the national competition and then I go to Washington,” she replied nonchalantly, as though it were as simple as bending over and tying ones shoe laces.
“That’s a lot of competition. Are you up for it?”
“Absolutely. I love spelling.”
Not one to kill the joy in my child’s eye, I hugged her and tried to block out my own painful memories of losing the school spelling bee to a snotty little jerk who wore suspenders and constantly teased me about being flat chested. Pimply little freak.
“Will you help me study?” How can I turn down those beautiful blue eyes? Besides, surely this is better than listening to the joyous sounds of elephants rutting when she breaks out the ole French horn.
I love this. I love watching her excitement to learn. I love witnessing her cutthroat competitive streak. This is one of those moments that make all the other parenting crap I’ve endured worth it, I think to myself.
And then she hands me the list. With hundreds of words on each page, double sided, and an inch thick. Suddenly I’m not loving this parenting moment so much.
“Um, how long do you have to learn all of these words?”
“A week.”
Seven days. No problem. Let me just go find my magic wand and magical top hat.
Not wanting to let my bad attitude color her experience, I buckle down and start tossing out words. It went well. For about four words. Then it got decidedly more complicated.
“MAIEUTIC.” I have to admit, by now I’m not even paying attention. My mind is elsewhere. Like imagining George Clooney alone on a tropical beach, with me, feeding me peeled grapes.
“Can I have the definition, please,” Fric asks very politely, like a seasoned veteran of spelling bees.
“How the hell should I know? Get thee to a dictionary.” Like, duh.
“Well then can you at least tell me what is the origin of the word?” She’s looking at me like I just crawled out of a hole and grew a second nose.
“Um, a smart one?” I offer.
“Didn’t you go to school, like university?” she asked all haughty and snotty sounding.
“Ya, but I must have slept through the day they taught us that word.”
Moving on.
“POIESIS,” I stammer. How the fuck does one say half these words, I think to myself as I scan the list looking for any word I recognize.
“I don’t think that’s how you say it, Mom,” Fric argues.
“Just spell the damn word.” Kids these days. Give them an inch, they run off and try to choke you with it.
“I’d like the definition please.”
“So would I. Go get a dictionary.”
“Mooooom!”
“Fine. It means ‘chicken of the sea.’ I was just teasing you before. I know what all these words mean.” Beads of sweat are starting to pop up on my brow now. I haven’t felt this much pressure since I was a teenager and trying to pass my driver’s exam and I forgot to disengage the parking brake.
“You’re lying.”
“You’re getting smarter by the minute, kid.”
“Sheesh. Never mind. Remind me not to go to the same school you went to.”
“Looking at this list, honey, I’d have to agree. I don’t know where my tuition dollars went to but it certainly wasn’t teaching me the English language.”
Cue rolling of the eyeballs.
We continued on this path for an hour. The longest hour of my life since Bug was crowning and I was trying to push his oversized head out my teeny tiny pink parts. Come to think of it, this hour was almost as painful too.
I never thought I’d say it, but I really wish she’d just stick to practicing the French horn. How I miss the sounds of animal carnage coming from her room.
I’m all for helping my child learn. And I applaud any activity that increases my child’s knowledge and vision of the world. But there has to be a line drawn in the sand. It’s bad enough I don’t know what the hell I’m doing as a parent, but to participate in providing proof to my children that I don’t know everything, that I’m not as smart as God, well, that’s just foolish.
Tonight, when I hear the rumble of the school bus, I’m hiding. I’m not as dumb as that spelling list made me look.
January 11th, 2008 at 10:01 am
POEISIS = chicken of the sea. Snort! You’re brilliant!
January 11th, 2008 at 10:20 am
The first word should’ve been R-E-A-L-I-T-Y.
The definintion should’ve been “A place to come back to if they think they have a chance in hell to win.”
January 11th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Your child is wayyyy too good for that spelling bee. Have you SEEN those dorks on TV? They scare me.
January 11th, 2008 at 10:24 am
I freaking love kids. And I am duly ashamed that my first grader can out spell me every day of the week, and twice on Sunday. Maybe I should bribe him into spell checking my blog. Nah, that would mean I would have to explain the term “anal leakage” or “boner” to him, and I’m not sure I’m ready to do that quite yet.
January 11th, 2008 at 10:30 am
The Bitch Is Back??!?
Oh no you d’int.
And as for spelling bees vs. band… there is no competition. Band always wins.
January 11th, 2008 at 10:33 am
I’m okay with spelling, but “new math” is my downfall. Don’t get me wrong, I can get the right answer, but I can’t do it the way they teach it in school, so I’m worse than no help to them, I make they get half off for not showing work or doing it wrong. My oldest came home from 7th grade once and told me that his teacher showed him how to do the problems the way they did in the “old days.” Yeah, it was my way.
January 11th, 2008 at 11:08 am
Girlfriend, you know you still rock out way more than all the other moms.
Spelling schmelling.
January 11th, 2008 at 11:37 am
I’m not sure what I find more troubling; the fact that she WANTS to study, or the fact that nobody seemed to appreciate your choice of good “wedding music.”
January 11th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Does anybody ever actually use the words listed in spelling bees for actual, you know, speech?
Good god almighty. And I thought toilet training was rough.
January 11th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
My 16 year old (10th grade) brings home math and I just stare at her and tell her to call her Uncle, the MENSA dude. I cannot do math and have not been able to help her in YEARS. I am math stupid. It really started in 1st grade with Touch Math, does anyone else have this? I was like WTF is this? What happened to using your fingers or using a number line? My youngest is in 1st grade and they still use the touch math. I told his teacher when he has homework (yes at least 2 hours in 1st grade!!!) I am teaching him the old fashioned way.
I don’t see anything wrong with your wedding song!!!!!
January 11th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Fric and Frac left you with teeny tiny pink parts?! Lucky you!!
I saw “Hyperpyrexia” the other day and wondered if it meant “apoplectic from over attendace at potlucks.”
January 11th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
It would be way less painful just to send her to Washington or maybe you should show her photos of past weiners, I mean winners and that might discourage her. Seriously, how cool can a spelling bee champ really be (not that I’m dissing smarts or nothing… okay, I am).
January 11th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Ha. I still recall losing a spelling bee at my grandma’s county fair because I suddenly realized I was sitting in front of hundreds of people, and my mouth stopped working. I was sitting in my head, frantically screeching, “You know this word, dammit, just SAY IT!” and my mouth was totally not obeying.
January 11th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
ACK!
Just reading this made me break out in hives at the memory of The Spelling Bee.
:S
January 11th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Fric has such confidence. I admire that.
I kan ohnlee spell simpler werds, such as “Kat.”
January 11th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
I LOVE Spelling Bees. I loved them in school and I love them on tv.
I did well by just reading lists over and over and picturing the words in my head.
I could do it in English and French.
Seriously, I loved it!!!
Have fun with the word lists. I drove my mom insane too.
If I lived closer I’d totally volunteer to work on words with her.
(I’m such a dork!)
January 11th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
ok … i can’t spell which is why i tinker, tinker, tinker and hate comments where I get one shot to be right. Usually fail. Wind up looking like a dope. The End.
Spelling bees, to me, are worse than that woman on the tightrope with the umbrella holding two chimps and a pig. The one who everyone secretly wants to fall. I guess I hate the circus, too.
January 11th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
I am a mother. I am a grandmother. I am a great-grandmother. Mention spelling bee to me and I become a sweaty, brain-dead 7th grader who had to explain to the nuns how I lost and betrayed the honor of my school…argh!
January 11th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
I tend to have to ask my 5th grader to spell shit for me. By the by her goal this year is Scripps..She made it to regional last year….see ya there?
January 11th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
I saw what you wrote on Rude Cactus’ blog and it made me cry. Of course, that’s my hobby right now but I read your old blog and I wanted to know - does it really get better?
January 11th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
He he he. Wait till they are talking to each other in math equations or HTML or somesuch and looking at YOU like you are the freak!
No ‘chicken of the sea’ come backs there my lady. Just suck it up and say ‘Well I have the money na na nana na’
Yeah, real mature I know. But you do what you gotta do…
January 11th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
chicken of the sea. T, you funny.
i am the world’s biggest spelling geek. had i known there was a freaking bee available to kids not born in the “Little House on the Prairie” era back in my misspent youth, damn! i would have memorized the entire dictionary.
send ‘em to me. i’ll whip ‘em into shape.
January 11th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
I can barely spell my own name. On a good day. I should probably work on that before my kid catches on.
January 11th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
Have you heard the song “Spelling Bee” by Meryn Cadell? It rocks.
http://www.meryncadell.com/angelfood.html (lyrics only, sorry)
January 11th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
And here I am thinking the toddler and preK years are challenging … ?
You. Are. Scaring. Me.
(great wedding song)
January 11th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
*puts fingers in ears* I’m not listening I’m not listening.
My kids will be convinced I’m an idiot. Oh wait. They already are.
January 11th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
I would die without spell check and a calculator.
May God help me when my kids start advanced math. Or geometry. I don’t remember any of that shit.
January 12th, 2008 at 9:30 am
Teehee!! I hated when a teacher would tell me to look up a word I couldn’t spell!
I think university did you well! You were very quick on your feet!!
January 12th, 2008 at 11:06 am
hey i went to skool and i dont need no spelin….okay well i suck at spelling but still…..
good luck to her!! and dont worry i think the only people who know those words definitions are the people who thought them up.
January 12th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Did you see Akeelah and the Bee? Great movie…
January 12th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
THE BITCH IS BACK! Oh my gosh. My husband and I toyed with the idea of having an astonishing first dance song, but settled for one that was short.
I have to help my 8 year old write her public speaking speech. I would RATHER LIGHT MY HAIR ON FIRE.
January 12th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
I hate when my kids are smarter than me.
January 13th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
HA - love your wedding song. I hear on the schoolwork thing - I am in sooo much toruble when my son is old enough to need help with his math homework.
January 13th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
I was feeling down when I started reading blogs this afternoon. I’m facing this week with a colonoscopy on Wednesday and surgery on Friday. Now I feel anxiety and stupid. Who in the hell will ever use those words anywat.
Why can’t they give them words to spell we us..? And then I ask myself, is the competition worth the defeat they feel? I never for competitive in my life….so I wonder. In fact you made me want to write a post on competition..thanks
Dorothy from grammology
remember to call gram
http://grammology.com
January 13th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Honestly, don’t you wish they’d be like dogs and just plateau at a comfortable level of intelligence instead of asking us annoying questions about planets, gravity, and spelling?? SHEESH!
January 13th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
Heehee! I’d be hiding from the school bus, too!
And really, would knowing the definition really help you spell some of those words? When you’re in elementary and scarcely understand the definition? I doubt it.
January 14th, 2008 at 6:02 am
I’m de-lurking a few days late…
I’ve been reading a bit of your blog the last few days. This post is frigging HILARIOUS! It made me laugh out loud! loved it.
The posts about bug broke my heart.
You are a gifted writer.
A fellow Canadian…
January 14th, 2008 at 8:12 am
I’ve never even heard of those two words she threw at you. Damn.
January 14th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Oh man. What do those words mean?