Subscribe in a Reader
Talent Takes All Forms
There are few things that scar a parent for life worse than the potty training years. Eventually we forget about diaper duty, teething horrors or sleep issues, but toilet training stays with a parent long after the kid is able to reach around and wipe it’s own arse.
It only takes one puddle of pee and some urine soaked pants in the middle of a crowded mall to make a mom wish she’d listened a wee bit closer in those sex education classes of her distant past.
Potty training wasn’t the worst thing I’ve endured as a parent, but it definitely ranks up there as one of the most humiliating.
I still have nightmares about almost being arrested for letting my two year old daughter pee in the bush at a golf course and being chased down the street by a mob of angry trophy wives after my son whizzed on the edge of a McMansion’s perfectly manicured lawn.
Every parent has potty woes. ‘Tis the nature of the business. But not every parent (read: Boo) teaches his three-year-old son to stand at the edge of the deck to see who can pee the furthest in a moment of father-son bonding.
It took me three summers (and one angry mob) to teach that damn kid that you can’t just whip it out where ever you want and let loose with the hose. Thanks Boo.
Nowadays, our biggest potty adventures tend to be the panic one feels upon realizing there is no toilet paper to be found. After the fact.
Or at least I had hoped. Until last night. When, while driving home, Frac announced he had to go to the washroom and there was just no holding it.
“Too bad buddy. I told you to go before we left the city.” I tend to be sympathetic and helpful like that.
“But Moooom, I didn’t have to go then. But I gotta go NOW!” he whined.
“I think there is an empty bottle under the seat. Use that,” I offered as his sister groaned in disgust.
“That’s gross, Mom,” Frac argued.
“Well, you’re going to have to wait a little bit longer, kiddo. We’re almost home.”
“I won’t make it. I’ll die. My bladder is going to explode. And then when I die my bladder will empty and I’ll end up peeing all over your car and Fric,” he pointed out.
Sigh. Kid had a point. I just had my car detailed.
Pulling over, I told him to get out and get ‘er done.
“What? Here? There’s no bushes or trees,” he argued as he eyed the wide-open farm fields that stretched out as far as the eye could see. “People will see me.”
“What people? We’re in the middle of nowhere,” I pointed out.
“The people driving by, on the highway,” he said with his words. His facial expression was more like “Um, how on God’s earth did I get stuck with this twit for a parent?”
“You are sadly mistaken if you think the people driving by at over a 100 km/hr are going to be able to see your willy.”
Frac considered this while his sister tormented him by making sounds of water swooshing and talking about dripping faucets. That’s my girl. Always helpful. Just like her mom.
“Just go out and face away from the highway and you’ll be fine,” I assured him. “But be quick about it. It’s cold out there and we wouldn’t want it to freeze and fall off.”
“Very funny,” he muttered as he climbed out of the car.
“What about you,” I asked Fric. “Do you have to go too?”
“No way. I’d pee in a bottle before I squatted on the side of a road,” she huffed indignantly. I thought about telling her about the time she did just that when she was two, but I was distracted when I noticed Frac was sort of swinging his hips. It kinda looked like he was being electrocuted.
Rolling down the window, I called out and asked if he was okay.
“I’m fine,” he yelled. And then he turned around and jumped in the car.
“What were you doing out there, buddy?” I asked.
“I spelled your name in the snow,” he giggled while sporting an evil grin.
Sure enough, in a lovely shade of yellow against a glistening canvass of white were the shaky letters T A N I S.
How thoughtful. Apparently I’m raising him to be as classy as his mother. His father would be proud.
If only I had my camera to bear witness to my son’s creative streak. Damn it.
***Before I get any angry emails about invading my son’s privacy and embarrassing him, know that he gave me his blessing to post about this. In fact, I do believe he’s going to ask the bus driver to pull over so his friends can admire his art work on the way to school. Really. My heart just BURSTS with pride, I tell ya.***
January 18th, 2008 at 10:18 am
Bwaaaahahahahahahaha!
January 18th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Did you remind him he needs to stand facing downhill?
January 18th, 2008 at 10:30 am
Haha! My son does the same type of things. We don’t have snow here in the South where we live, but he’s told me many times that he just “watered my flowers for me”.
January 18th, 2008 at 10:48 am
I think your son may be my future husband. How, oh HOW can I teach my 6 year old to do this?
January 18th, 2008 at 11:19 am
LOL I was so *not* expecting that! ;^)
January 18th, 2008 at 11:30 am
So, you mean when the potty training is over THIS is what I have to look forward to??!?
*sobs quietly*
January 18th, 2008 at 11:33 am
That was so sweet. It brought a tear to my eye.
January 18th, 2008 at 11:47 am
total class!
January 18th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Ahh, take advantage of those tender moments. Soon enough, it will be another girl’s name written in the snow, in her handwriting
January 18th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Don’t tell him, but some scientist actually DID die of a burst bladder. Copernicus maybe? I’ll have to Google it.
I love that he wrote YOUR name, not his own. Smart cookie.
January 18th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Tycho Brahe. Danish astronomer.
January 18th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
WoW! Impressive. Except now everyone will think it’s you that wrote your name in the snow. LOL
January 18th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Wow he really did have to pee…it takes a lot of um…medium and control to do letters in the snow!
You *should* be proud!
January 18th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
LOL, every dad at some point tells his son when out camping “Son, its time to call in the dogs and pee on the fire”
BUT
You dont actually do that, pee on the fire I mean. So when your at boy scouts, and suddenly you hear a ruckus coming from the boys area, you know that some kid ACTUALLY peed on the fire!
And if you have never had the full face olfactory experience of that, well, its a real tear jerker!
January 18th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
My son is actually happy when both restrooms are occupied. He won’t even wait 5 seconds. “Oh hey Ma both toilets are busy; gotta go outside!”
*sniff* takes after his daddy!
January 18th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Brilliant kid! I admire his diabolical genius.
Just imagine the talents being attributed to you by those who see his artwork — “Wow, she must be pretty limber to have written her name while squatting!”
January 18th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
LMAO! Your kiddos get their sense of humor from you, I think.
January 18th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
That was too funny!
January 18th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Your kids are funny little people. Good to see you raising sweet little Rednecks!
January 18th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Fuckin’ A, girl.
January 18th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Your kids are lucky.
We used to take car trips in our family station wagon from Utah to Iowa to visit my very anti-Mormon* grandmother and my dad refused to let us pee before we reached North Platt, Nebraska.
For those wondering, it takes a DAMN LONG TIME to reach North Platt, Nebraska.
P.S.
Emails bitching you out on behalf of you kids are SOOOO much fun. No?
*Not that that really has anything to do with anything other than the fact that it makes the story just THAT much more painful.
January 18th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Who are you kidding? You probably plied that poor boy with gallons of water just before leaving, so you would have blog material. I know what an evil genius you are. You can’t fool all of us.
January 18th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
For me, potty training is right up there in the humiliation stakes, along with my toddler pulling down my top and baring my boobs in the middle of the shopping mall. Isn’t motherhood great, T!
January 18th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
When you gotta go, you gotta go. Although, if I lived where you live, I’d rather go in the bottle. It’s too damned cold outside. It actually might freeze and fall off.
January 18th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Oh! I think I love him!
January 18th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
You’re a way better mom than me . . . last week, on the freeway (oh, this is so embarrassing) McRae peed in a bottle. There was no where to pull over and I told him if he had the skills to do it without spilling a drip in my car, than go ahead.
Hangs head in shame.
January 18th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
Now I have to pee. Thanks.
January 18th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
OMG that was good! The kid is smart!
But come on Frac you don’t want to make a “trucker bomb”??
January 18th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Three things:
first: I love your son.
second: I hope my son writes my name in urine one day (and lets me post it).
third: I love your son.
January 18th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
Omigosh, this was better than TV! And, that says a lot! Thanks for the great entertainment (as always)! …and, umm…, maybe I’ll keep the monkey in diapers a little longer…….
January 19th, 2008 at 7:19 am
Based on one blog I just read, you may get angry, self-righteous comments about the sex education reference. It vaguely implies wishing you had never given birth to the evil spawn. But apparently it’s not politically correct to “parent while being human”.
I still fondly remember my son’s first outdoor peeing experience. He was about 3 1/2 We were driving to Orlando on a stretch of the Florida Turnpike where there are no rest stops or exits for like 50 miles. In the middle of this stretch my son announces his IMMEDIATE need to pee. My husband pulled over and welcomed him to the fraternity…where whipping it out and peeing au naturel is the easiest part of the hazing.
When he got back into the car he proudly said, “Mom…I peed on the ground like a dog!!!”
They grow up so fast!
January 19th, 2008 at 8:00 am
I freaking LOVE that kid. Mine will walky BY the bathroom to go out the back door. It’s like hunting and fishing and pee-ing outdoors are fine bonding experiences with he and his father.
January 19th, 2008 at 8:20 am
Good boy. You must be bursting with pride. C’mon, I know you are.
January 19th, 2008 at 11:45 am
LOL…my son prides himself with peeing outside as much as possible. He is always trying to sneak out either the front or back door to take care of business. What up with that?
January 19th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Honey, before I got to the last line, I was thinking I was going to ask you “WHERE THE HELL IS THE PICTURE!?”
We all need a spare digital cam in our glove box, don’t we?
Also, isn’t it just like a man to think his penis is so big that surely everyone can see it for miles….
January 19th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
That is classic!
January 19th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
for a minute, I thought he had found the electric fence around that pasture! On the other hand, if he could spell your name, at least he wasn’t fibbing about really having to go!
January 19th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
You done good with that one Momma, done good.
January 19th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
It seems your son is as funny as you.
My son is only 4 and we have 1 bathroom in our house. We refer to the peeing in the backyard or anywhere we happen to be with no bathroom available as “an emergency.” There is nothing like the smile on his face when our bathroom is occupied and I tell him it is an EMERGENCY and to go outside. You’ve never seen pee flying so high. Or maybe you have. I guess I should be worried.
January 19th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
I would give just about anything to spend a week with you and yours to hear you all….Hilarious!
January 19th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
I’ve SO done this. My son, however, can’t spell yet. I’m waiting for the day.
January 19th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
haha! What an artist! When my brother was younger and he would get upset with our neighbors kids, he would just take a pee in their front yard…in broad daylight. He also used to sleep walk and pee random places because he thought it was the toilet (example: his easter basket).
January 19th, 2008 at 11:41 pm
You’ve got to love him for making the best out of a bad situation. Considering how cold it’s been, I’m surprised he was able to make it past the letter T before the pee froze in mid-air.
January 20th, 2008 at 10:15 am
OMG, this makes me glad to have a girl right now!
Then again, my girl did pee all over my lap at my parents house last Christmas eve, right before my sister and her friends walked in, so maybe it’s about even…
January 21st, 2008 at 6:20 am
this was so funny i had to read it to my husband! i remember when my brother peed out a campfire ( it was only coals anyway) i wouldn’t recommend it, or at least standing upwind when your brother does it!
January 21st, 2008 at 7:24 am
Mega is only 3, so our potty adventures are still in the making, I am sure. The one time he said he had to go when we were at a park without ‘facilities,” I told him he would “get to pee on the ground behind a tree!” He shook his head as if to say, “Silly Mother.” He said, “Mommy that’s just gross.” I had to wait until the poor kid was almost bursting before helping him shove down his drawers and holding it so he wouldn’t pee on his tiny sneakers. Talk about humiliation - I bet I looked like a pedophile standing there, bent down so my face was about a cat’s hair from his little bum, and helping him control the hose… Good grief. I can only hope that one day, he will spell my name without my help!
January 21st, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Did you ever hear the joke about a man who comes to a boy’s house with a shotgun, and the boy’s dad wants to know what the problem is. The man says, “Your son peed my daughter’s name in the snow.” And the boy’s dad says, “Well, that’s not so bad to shoot him over.” And the man says, “Don’t you think I recognize my daughter’s handwriting.”
January 21st, 2008 at 4:52 pm
The ultimate compliment!
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:39 am
My husband potty trained both of our boys by taking them outside to pee in the yard. Classy ain’t he? It worked fine until one whipped it out in the middle of Wal-Mart’s parking lot. Needless to say we were asked to leave quickly and told not to come back until we could control our wee one.
January 22nd, 2008 at 12:56 pm
HILARIOUS!
Last year when we were attempting to toilet train my son I told him that big boys get to write words in the snow with their pee.
He didn’t seem to care.
This year he is toilet trained (he’s 3 and a half) and every.single.time it snows he asks if he can pee outside.
Now I have hope that one day he will pee my name in the snow!!!
January 23rd, 2008 at 10:48 am
Lady, you need a camera with you AT ALL TIMES.
May 17th, 2008 at 2:48 am
This is great, because I still love to pee outside. I went outside 4 times yesterday & then this morning. I have been peeing outside ever since I was 12 years old & I know the joys of seeing how far, high, or where a guy can pee.