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Surrounded by Pricks
This morning my children informed me that I should go back to bed because I looked shitty terrible. Charming way to wake up isn’t it? This is what a parent gets when they encourage their off spring to be open and honest. Critical reviews based on appearance while I’m serving them their daily nutritional requirements. (Fruitloops are considered nutritional, right?)
While the vain part of me would like to deny that I looked anything but a fresh faced daisy, I realized perhaps my kids had a point when I went to let the dog out and caught a glimpse of my image while walking past a mirror. I jumped at the sight of my hair sticking up in all directions and the purple luggage under my eyes. The best part was the pillow creases all down the side of my face which high lighted the path of dry spittle trailing down from the corner of my mouth.
Oh ya. Who’s a sexy momma now?
Between my damn dog engaging in a repeat performance as the most incredibly annoying and small bladdered dog ever, and my lumpy mattress aggravating me into tossing and turning all night long to find an elusive comfortable spot, I didn’t get a lot of sleep.
To make matters worse, I had nightmares whenever I did manage to drift off to the land of Nod. I kept reliving events that happened hours prior to me finally laying my head on my pillow.
Events, which included a porcupine, my friend’s dog Kona and a pair of needle nose pliers. This was not my first run in with the neighbourhood association of porcupines. Before Fric arrived in our lives, Boo and I adopted a stray dog that developed a fondness for the sweet underbelly of porcupine (re: he was too stupid to stay away from the prickly beasts) and would often wander home with a mitt full of quills.
This was however, the first time I had ever had the nightmare pleasure of watching quills being removed from a dog’s face. While explaining the process to my bloodthirsty curious children. Who didn’t seem at all queasy or bothered in the way their mother was.
Thankfully, for Kona (and my queasy stomach,) the dog was in capable hands. With all the manly farmers I like to surround myself with there was no end of painkillers, sedatives, antibiotics and skilled hands to remove the sharp quills.
After over an hour of quill removal, Kona was prickle-free and ready for his next battle with his pointy opponents. I was in need of a stiff drink.
While I wish poor Kona had never encountered his little buddy, it did provide me with the opportunity to teach my children a valuable lesson of why we don’t hug prickly animals. Who am I to pass up valuable teaching moments?
Yet, every time I closed my eyes last night, I saw blood and quills. Except the quills were in me. Being tugged out rather gleefully by my evil-eyed children. Just as they happily tugged on a quill located in my nose or my boob, I would wake up in a panic. It made for a really restful sleep.
Serves me right for acting like a paparazzi chasing Ms. Spears down a Hollywood freeway and taking pictures of the mangled mutt.
At one point (pun intended) I woke up calling Boo’s name and tried to bury my face in his armpit like I normally do when I have a nightmare. Except when I opened my eyes I discovered my nose firmly planted in the nether regions of my damned dog. Not quite as comforting as the arms of a big strong man.
So I called my husband. Like any big baby rational wife would do. At 2:35 a.m.
“Hey darlin’. Why aren’t you sleeping?” he asked in between barking out orders to somebody.
“I had a bad dream,” I whined in a groggy, er, sexy husky voice.
“Was it about Bug?” he asked sympathetically.
“No. It was about a porcupine.” I yawned while Nixon tried to bury his butt back into my nose.
“Oh.” Suddenly his sympathy vanished. I proceeded to tell him what happened earlier and then told him my wild imaginings of his children and a porcupine all chasing me around while each wielding a pair of needle nose pliers to use on me.
“So you’re telling me you miss me,” he crooned.
“No. I’m telling you that tomorrow I’m tossing out any pliers I find in my house. And I moving to the city.”
“You know, there is a sure-fire cure for nightmares,” he offered.
“Really? What’s that?”
“Well, you need to come on up and get some of my peckercillin . Served special just for you. Cures all that ails you.”
Oddly enough, I passed on his thoughtful offer.
I’d already been poked enough in my dreams. I didn’t need to be bothered by another prick.
***Kona is happily licking his nut sack this morning, and will make a complete recovery. Unlike myself, who will be scarred for life.***
January 21st, 2008 at 10:25 am
ah, the joys of living in Redneck County! i grew up on a farm in a tiny town in Ontario. our cats were always having late-night get-togethers with the local animals….porcupines, skunks, racoons, coyotes, bears (ya…those last two weren’t fun to deal with!). you’d think they would learn after the first “meeting”", wouldn’t you?
hope you sleep better tonight!
January 21st, 2008 at 10:41 am
I can’t tell you how hard I laughed when i read the last sentence in your post -
“I’d already been poked enough in my dreams. I didn’t need to be bothered by another prick.”
It just fit so perfectly… i got some dirty looks from my co-workers
: )
January 21st, 2008 at 11:15 am
You are the funniest woman ever!
~wipes tears from eyes~
I don’t even have words for how hard I’m laughing.
I think I just wet myself.
Gotta run!
January 21st, 2008 at 11:20 am
Awwwww! Poor puppy!!!
I got up at 6am. So there.
January 21st, 2008 at 11:44 am
That poor dog! And poor you for the nightmares. Although, I have to admit, you had me cracking up laughing.
We don’t have the prickly beasts here, thank goodness.
January 21st, 2008 at 11:45 am
OMG - pooooooooo kid (and that will learn ‘im). And shame on you, making all these people pee their pants (myself included - must go now).
January 21st, 2008 at 11:45 am
well, i’m glad Kona’s gone back to licking nut sack. what a champ.
January 21st, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Ugh. That second picture of that poor miserable dog made me throw up in my mouth a little.
I may have nightmares, too. Thanks so much. Blech.
January 21st, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Wow, I didn’t know those animals CAME in wild form! I thought that they were just in zoos!
We have Stinky The Skunk that lives in my backyard. Although his minstrations aren’t quite as dramatic looking as your poor dog, the annoyance level is similar when he tangles with my dog.
January 21st, 2008 at 12:49 pm
That is so funny. Soon after we moved up to the north our dog came back with quills all over his face. At the time we had no idea what they were, and just picked them out. I wonder who was more stupid, the dog, or me for not knowing what they were. Thanks for the giggle.
January 21st, 2008 at 1:05 pm
So… you’re telling us that Boo is… uh… sharp? OUCH.
Heh.
January 21st, 2008 at 1:12 pm
BWA HAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… What is it with men thinking that sex will help when we’re sick? How sexy is snot? Come on! LOL
January 21st, 2008 at 1:26 pm
The poor doggie looked so miserable. They just can’t keep away from umm…interesting animals, can they?
Even with all the misery, you packed it with the funny.
January 21st, 2008 at 1:34 pm
So nice to see all men think the same…that they know how to cure what ails us. Your last line was a classic.
I have been missing my daily visits, but no more, I need your great sense of humor.
Shoot, I am thinking we may see porcupines out here, we have other varmints of nature.
January 21st, 2008 at 1:49 pm
That poor dog. My dog never got the quills, but was skunked twice in her 14 years. Yikes.
And peckercillin? That’s precious, and I’m gonna have to steal it for use around these parts.
January 21st, 2008 at 1:53 pm
To men, is there anything that a little sex won’t cure? I wish my life were that easy. Those pictures are cringe-worthy. Poor dogs. Last night I couldn’t stop dreaming about Scrabble. My husband beat me by 3 points. Had a just held onto that letter T for one play longer, I would have had him.
January 21st, 2008 at 2:19 pm
OMG, that picture gave me the heebeegeebees. Poor Poor Kona!
Glad i wasn’t there I’d have probably teared up.
January 21st, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Holy crap that looks painful. Poor pooch.
January 21st, 2008 at 3:34 pm
I told my bf the story behind peckercillin and he laughed and then said “Why didn’t he say peniscillin?” Like that sounds any better.
January 21st, 2008 at 3:40 pm
I thought that was a polar bear at first . . . seriously.
You Canadians are a strong breed of people, you are. And I mean that in the most affectionate way.
January 21st, 2008 at 4:09 pm
Awwwwww, those are the saddest dog pictures I’ve ever seen. I’m glad he’s ok now.
January 21st, 2008 at 4:19 pm
I haven’t read your post for today yet, but I thought you were taking the day off for Martin Luther King Day. Thank goodness you didn’t!
January 21st, 2008 at 4:41 pm
OMG, poor Kona…what a sad face in that first pic.
Glad to hear, though, that he’s lickin’ balls again. Phew.
January 21st, 2008 at 4:50 pm
OUCH!!!
That poor dog. You know I’ll be up tonight at 3AM after having nightmares of porcupine quills stuck to my lips.
January 21st, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Is it wrong that from the title I thought you had gone to a male strip club?
January 21st, 2008 at 6:20 pm
peckercillin!LMOA
thanks.
January 21st, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Peckercillin. Hee hee.Their sense of humor never fails in a time of need.
Whenever I’m getting up off the floor or off the couch my husband says, “Grab onto the rope!” As he’s shimmying (is that even a word?) his hips at me. Yeah, that puts me in the mood alright.
January 21st, 2008 at 6:46 pm
I’m so sympathetic to Kona’s bad luck that I’m totally ignoring your Boo’s nasty comments.
Yeah, totally ignoring them.
Poor dog.
January 21st, 2008 at 9:04 pm
When my sweet Redneck, are you going to write the book we all deserve. cause i just love you.
Pooooor Kona. Oh man, that looked nasty.
January 21st, 2008 at 9:05 pm
I have never ever laughed at stories about hurt animals. Always been super sensitive. And yet, I find myself wiping tears at this, having to explain to my husband what I’m howling at and then telling him the hamster story.
You have corrupted me.
Thank you.
January 21st, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Peckercillin! The funny! I can’t breathe!
January 21st, 2008 at 10:18 pm
You are definitely the Erma Bombeck of the Redneck set! I hope you got a nap today–those sleepless nights do take their toll.
January 21st, 2008 at 10:44 pm
Is it so wrong that I’m howling over this one? Poor doggie. But so funny.
(Although I wouldn’t analyze that dream too much if I were you.)
One of my reporter friends once came back to newsroom with a butt loaded with cactus needles. Apparently, she sat on a cactus while attempting to interview witnesses at a crime scene. We journalists clearly lurve one another deeply. Else, why would we huddle over our friends’ asses with pliers and tweezers?
January 22nd, 2008 at 12:14 am
Oh, the poor dog…
January 22nd, 2008 at 6:18 am
lol, thank goodness my pampurred pooch lives in surban bliss and the most I have to deal with his him eating chickens feathers and them passing out the other end whole, wondered what on earth he was pooing the first time!
January 22nd, 2008 at 8:31 am
Poor doggie! This is only one of the reasons my cats aren’t allowed to leave the house. Of course we don’t have porqupines, but damn if they wouldn’t find something equally as painful.
And peckercillin? Does every man think that is the cure for all that ails you? Nice to be able to put a name to it now, though.
January 22nd, 2008 at 9:15 am
Peckercillin.
Can’t. Stop. Laughing.
I’m in love with you both.
January 22nd, 2008 at 10:21 am
I don’t miss having to watch my dad pull quills out of the dogs’ mouths. You’re right - it is impossible to look at needle nose pliers the same way again. At least it made for funny blog fodder.
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:00 am
What a stupid dog.
As far as you are concerned, dont worry being scared for life. Its pretty hard to tell this one from the others in your life LOL
(Nothing like an underhanded compliment to get the juices flowing again LOL)
My first wife had snake nightmares, and while she would have them at home where i could just slap her with the arm closest to her when she had them, she also had a habit of having them EVERY night when we would be at a different place, like a motel as we were crossing the country between semesters at college, jobs, family vacations.
Stupid F’ng nightmares. Invariable the blood curling screams would get a knock at the door by management, so what should have been a 30 second event turns into a 2 hour roller coaster. I told her one more, we would get separate rooms, me and the kids in one, she on a DIFFERENT floor and the other end of the place.
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:30 am
I want to make a smart remark, but I can’t get the pictures of that poor dog out of my head.
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:33 am
You are so funny, I have tears rolling down my face. Why do men think that “that” will cure all? Stomach flu? He can make you feel all better, between puking that is. Glad the dog is feeling better. My dogs seem to like skunks, there is no removing that for a while.
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:52 am
if my husband had that kind of cure - i’d be all over it.
January 22nd, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Oh my - that poor pooch! I am glad he is well on the road to recovery..
As for the peckerciliin - I get offered that on a regular basis - Dr. Korey’s Petercillin - It’s a cure-all, dontcha know?
January 22nd, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Ouch!! It hurts just looking at those pictures!!
Dreams are weird. I had a dream about getting a zillion flea bites, and when I woke up, I looked at the calendar and discovered the dog was due for another Advantage treatment. Your dream sounds much more painful. ;^)
January 22nd, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Oooh. I have seen that, and not even on as massive a scale. REmoval is blooooo-deeee. Yuk.
January 22nd, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Peckercillin? I’m sure that has bad side effects - like pregnancy and possible dissatisfaction.
January 22nd, 2008 at 7:19 pm
Living way out in the bush like I did growing up (and who am I fooling? Like I still do), watching dogs get porcupine quills pulled out was just a fact of life. One memorable occasion, the dog managed to get into a porcupine AND a skunk in the same evening. What a genius.
January 22nd, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Girl, my husband is ALWAYS telling me, no matter what is going on, that I just need some “penis-illin.” He’s the only person I’ve ever heard use that joke until now.
The thing is. I’m ALLERGIC to penicillin. Heh.
January 22nd, 2008 at 8:08 pm
don’t need to be bothered by another prick… that’s hilarious. I dreamt last night that my blog was being raked over the coals by Bossy and OTJ. Weird, definitely. Bloggable? I’m still trying to decide.
January 22nd, 2008 at 8:19 pm
OMG!!! That’s HILARIOUS!!! I mean–not that your poor dog was so stupid–er unfortunate but that Boo’s solution to your disturbance was being “poked”. You mean he couldn’t see THAT comparison coming? (coming heh heh)
January 22nd, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Oh Dear God, that looks painful.
January 22nd, 2008 at 9:32 pm
Oh my gosh! too funny!
It’s amazing that I can feel so bad for both you and Kona, and still be able to laugh at the same time. Maybe that’s the point
Really, you have amazing writing skills! I’m in awe.
January 23rd, 2008 at 4:30 am
So that shit in the dogs mouth is REAL? Like NOT drawn on in photoshop? *shudder* we have some nasty critters here in Australia, but I am glad we don’t have any of those things.
Poor doggy. Oh and yeah, poor you for the dreams. Vodka will fix that right up.
January 23rd, 2008 at 7:12 am
Ouch. Christ that can’t feel good.
January 23rd, 2008 at 10:17 am
Your poor, poor dog. Ours just gets skunked regularly. This seems so much worse.
January 27th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Awwww poor dog!
February 5th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
Ouch! Poor pups!