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Her Mother is a Boob
This parenting gig is sucking the youth right out of my body like a ten year old slurping a thick chocolate milkshake through a straw. I’m starting to feel more withered and used up each time my darling preteens come up to me and share their thoughts on growing up with me.
“Mom, what does it mean when a boy pops a woody?” Fric asks.
It means your mother just sprouted another facking wrinkle, honey. Thanks for asking.
“Some kids were talking about wet dreams on the bus, mom. What are those?” Frac asks.
Um, the opposite of dry dreams?
“Why do boys masturbate? And do girls do it?” Fric asks.
Wait…I think you missed a spot when you were smacking me over the head with that wooden bat. Go on, try it again.
I’m happy my kids think I’m cool are comfortable talking about such interesting subjects with me. Back when I was their age, I either dug through my brother’s collection of playboys in search of an answer or asked my best friend at recess about such sensitive matters, instead of braving my parent’s disapproval with such questions.
I only wish my kids would ply me with liquor before they brought out the big guns.
I was really late to the puberty game and I guess I was hoping Fric and Frac would take the same slow path as me. Because I am not ready to be the parents to children in puberty.
My children, however, have other ideas. It doesn’t help matters much that they are surrounded by older children every day, on the bus and at school. Or that some of their cousins have hit puberty.
Better my in-laws than me, I say.
I kid.
No I don’t.
But recently, my darling daughter decided to take it to a whole new level. She has decided she is ready for a training bra. In grade six. Granted, she is the only girl in class who isn’t already sporting a nice B-cup, but still. Unless those boobs of hers are invisible, I’m thinking she’s jumping the training bra gun a little bit.
Thank heavens. I’m not ready for boobs yet. I’m still fascinated with my own. I don’t want to have to deal with hers.
But Fric is a much like her mother. Persistent and annoying. So in a moment of lapsed judgment I told her I would consider buying her a training bra. The time had come for me to find a few new sacks to stuff my McGuffies into, so I could kill two birds with one stone.
Remember the training bras of our past? Ugly, itchy and only good for the boys reefing on the back strap and snapping them while we howled with indignation?
Ya, they don’t make them like they used to. No. Nowadays, training bras have foam inserts and padded cups and underwire.
I thought I was in the wrong department, as I stared at rows of brightly coloured padded bras. But no, they all had tags certifying them as jail bait lures training bras.
Suffice it to say, I bought a few. For me. Some of those bras were damn sexy. Boo’s gonna be mighty pleased when he gets home. (Or with the pics I sent him. Wink, wink.)
But I did not buy any for my precious, innocent, beautiful eleven year old daughter who is as flat as a damn board. And will hopefully remain that way forever because I’m delusional and crazy.
Upon seeing the lingerie bag, Fric excitedly starting rifling through it, looking for her loot.
“These are all for you, Mom. Where’s mine?”
“I’m sorry honey. But your dad and I decided that you were still a tad young to be leaping into a training bra. Don’t be in such a hurry to grow up. Before you know it you will be old, wrinkled and withered up. Just like your dad,” I consoled her.
“But MOM! All the other kids are wearing bras!”
“Yes, and I raised you to be a lemming, just like them.”
“MOOOOOM!”
“Look, kid. I’m not saying I’m condemning you to a life of braless freedom. I promise you when you grow some funbags we can all see, I’ll be the first in line to march you off to get fitted for a big girl bra. Until then, just use your imagination.”
I could feel the grey hair start to sprout right around my temples. I swear.
“But I’ve got boobs!” she argued as she whipped up her shirt to show me her invisible chest.
“Well, you’ve got nipples honey, but so does your brother, and you don’t see me trying to wrestle him into training bra do you?”
“Very funny, Mom.” Man, if her bottom lip stuck out any more as she pouted, she was gonna trip over it.
“Listen honey, I’ll tell you what a wise woman once told me when I was impatient and desperate for boobs at your age: You don’t have boobs until they bounce up and down as you jump around,” I called after her as she stomped off to lock herself into her bedroom and wish she had a cooler mother.
I could have really scarred her and told her she could be like me and have to roll them titties up to stuff them into the cups. Boobs or beaver tails, it’s hard to tell the difference these days.
February 6th, 2008 at 10:05 am
THAT? was a training bra? No way. Since when did V.S. start selling training bras? Mah Holy Hell.
February 6th, 2008 at 10:10 am
I’m so glad I only have boys. They are difficult in a less…..difficult way. Or something. They may spend 23 hours every day holding on to their “equipment” but at least I don’t have to buy training bras.
February 6th, 2008 at 10:10 am
Glad to see you found your funny again. And I bet Boo is happy you found a camera!
February 6th, 2008 at 10:18 am
Chocolate milkshake… straw… and then what happened?
February 6th, 2008 at 10:20 am
First, why do they call ‘em training bra’s? Just what the heck are they in training to do?
When my (now 19 y/o 36C) daughter was flat-as-a-board, but HAD to have a bra, I bought, cheap, at K-Mart or Target, teddies for her to wear under her tops.
I think they really were lace trimmed tank undershirts. I called them “bra teddies” and she bought it, hook, line, sinker. Then, all her friends wanted to wear them too! Mothers thanked me.
February 6th, 2008 at 10:23 am
You already know about my trials and tribulations with this subject…
February 6th, 2008 at 10:27 am
I took my niece (who is 5) shopping and we passed the training bras and I was shocked. You’re right - padded and underwire. It kind of disturbed me.
I’ll admit - I was the opposite of you. I was the first in my class to need a bra and was horrified when my mom had to take me shopping. And, because I was in private school and we wore white blouses, both uncovered boobs and bras showed through the shirts. The compromise was that I got to wear an undershirt to hide the bra. But, once I got one, my best friend got one in solidarity and then the other girls got them too.
Seriously, I was thrilled when my boobs stopped growing (at 36d - ick) and then I started having kids and I’ve had to add letters to my name. It’s not fun.
February 6th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Sad to say, I’m not surprised to see this. The stuff that’s targeted at little girls these days infuriates me.
You should see what’s for sale in England…..for little girls. It’s like miniature prostitute clothing-trainers for pre-teens.
And the stuff for actual teenagers? Omg. It’s even worse.
I’ve resorted to shopping in more expensive shops (e.g., Jack Wills, Gap, etc), to steer my daughter away from the ‘high street’ discount places……….which seem to only carry padded, hiked up bras to produce cleavage to go with the low cut tops that plunge below the bra line, minis so short you can’t reach up to put a jacket on or your butt-crack is full on Hoochie Mama-on-display. Most of the jeans barely cover the pubic bone. I’m even not kidding one bit. My daughter had one pair of jeans that were so low - that when she wore them and reached upwards to brush her hair? There was a fuzzy display peaking out the top! Needless to say, those went in the charity bag when she wasn’t looking.
Don’t get me started on thongs, g-strings and french knickers. Some of my daughter’s 12 y old (when she was 12) classmates were wearing them.
I draw the line a itty bitty bikini panties - no problem with those. But thongs, g-strings and french knickers up the bum? She can opt for those when she’s an adult. And has someone to impress. Legally, and otherwise.
February 6th, 2008 at 10:40 am
i’m pretty sure i’ll die a little bit when Emily needs a bra.
February 6th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Yeah, my almost 13 year old has one of those magic bras with the removable inserts. Oh how I would have KILLED to have one of those when I was her age!! (and oh, how she would DIE if she read what I just wrote)
February 6th, 2008 at 10:56 am
That is nothing, I have heard there are thongs for the pre-schooler set. I think the world is coming to the end.
After having to wear bras that support, separate and are devices of torture, give her some seasoned advice and tell her to be happy with her lack of chest. On the other hand, if she would like a boob transplant, I have some to spare and wouldn’t mind getting rid of.
February 6th, 2008 at 11:22 am
I don’t even have bra’s that schmancy and I’m an adult! My dd is almost 12 and she hasn’t asked for one yet. It’s good, she’s not ready for it. I hope that your daughter relaxes on the issue. Maybe buy her a couple of the first pic, you don’t really need to fill them to wear them. At least that way she wouldn’t feel that different from the other girls… I know, around here, the girls can be quit snotty if you aren’t following the “do as we do” mindset.
February 6th, 2008 at 11:22 am
“Well, you’ve got nipples honey, but so does your brother, and you don’t see me trying to wrestle him into training bra do you?”
OMG that had me ROTF!!
Seriously though when my oldest started wearing bras I was shocked by the fact that they ALL had padding WTH??
February 6th, 2008 at 11:24 am
I HAVE to know where you were shopping for those so I can avoid them if I ever have a girl! Geesh.
February 6th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Ah, to be the parent of a girl. ;^) I went to private school like the poster above, and yes, even a *hint* of boobage showed through those silly white blouses. I was so relieved when I got a training bra, even though I had nothing to hold up! I’m curious about why you don’t want to let your daughter wear a training bra. If I had a daughter, I would totally buy her a couple modest, inexpensive ones, because I remember being so embarassed when my boobs seemed to suddenly sprout overnight.
Anyway, I have a boy, so after baseball tryouts, I got to explain to him about athletic cups and why one of the other skinny little boys was walking a bit, er, bowlegged. Needless to say, my son was not excited about the idea of wearing a cup, but my dad says after he gets hit in the specials with a baseball, he’ll be thinking differently. So we have that to look forward to. ;^)
February 6th, 2008 at 11:52 am
I was the first girl in my class to need a bra and my bewbies are so big now, I have to shop at a fancy (read: expensive) lingerie speciality shop to get european-made bras that will work for me… last non-pregnant measurement was a 34G. Ahem.
I mention this only because I’m a grown woman and I can’t find bras as sexy as that pink and black number in my size. Hardly seems fair that prostitots can apparently buy them off the rack (perhaps a pun in there somewhere?) Seems like a pretty camisole would do. It’s entirely possible too that if she strapped on one with wires and padding she’d find it too uncomfortable to wear? I don’t know… I’m glad I have a boy.
February 6th, 2008 at 11:54 am
You’re making me glad that I didn’t have a daughter. Yikes.
But I did have to field a question from my six year old. He asked me why his penis felt funny.
Yup. He had a boner.
February 6th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
THAT is a training bra?
*thunk* That’s the sound of me, falling over.
February 6th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
OMG! I’m still laughing! You handled that perfectly!
February 6th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Oh my, the animal print bra rivals the Little Girl thongs they have out these day. I remember how badly I wanted a training Bra. When I finally needed one, I was ready to throw in the towel after one day.
February 6th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Prostitots! Kinderwhores!
My child will be in the late-puberty bus, THANK YOU GOD. Right now, we compromise with undershirts. What’s that, you say? They aren’t anything the same as training bras? That’s right.
February 6th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Hannah with the big bewbies (cracked me up with that word, lol) —– go to Bravisimo(google it). They have AMAZING bras for big bewbies:). And they’ll post them to you…you can even call them and discuss the shape blah blah blah so you can make sure you’re getting the right bra. They’re expensive, but VERY well made….and omg, when I finally got one (i’m a - gulp - 36FF after two kids…I swear they’re still growing, argh), I was amazed how high my bewbs sat. No more hanging to my elbows!
Thowwy, Tannis.. but us gurlies with big bewbies need a little support from each other. Ya know;)?
February 6th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Holy. CRAP. If that is a training bra, I’m scared to have children (or more specifically DAUGHTERS!)! LOL What are the manufacturers THINKING!??!
February 6th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
oh gawd… I forgot when I had a girl that i’m going to have to deal with this crap - I’m so running away from home.
Now those training bras you’ve pictured - what exactly are they training for? The Ho’lympics?
February 6th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
My mom was in denial so long the first bra I ever owned was a C cup… talk about moving when I walked!
February 6th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Yikes! My daughter is nine. I think I’ll start drinking now.
February 6th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Ah the training bra…we have them, the nice sports style that cover the little lumps Miss Micheyla has nicely.
I want to know how you handled all the other questions….come on details.
February 6th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Ahhh, how I remember those days ! I just went out and bought one, not like the sleezy one shown in above photo.
Do you know what comes next??? Shaving of the legs !!! HA HA
February 6th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Oh god.
I consider my daughters lucky that I will buy them Disney Princess underwear instead of the plain white spanky pants I had to wear. That’s the extent of my indulgence in the lingerie department though.
February 6th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
I never heard of McGuffies being rolled up and stashed before.
Did a spit take there, woman!
February 6th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Right, don’t scare her just yet with the laws of gravity. This reminded me when I was a little girl and I asked my mom how soon I’d get boobs. She told me she wasn’t sure and that everyone was different to which I replied I hope I get them sooner because they make your shirts look better.
She likes to share that story a lot…because it’s fun to embarass your 35 year old child.
February 6th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Aah, the wonderful pre-teen and teen years. I wouldn’t go through that again if you paid me. And since I have boys, I don’t have to. Well, not in the same ways, anyhow.
February 6th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Seriously, when did Paris Hilton design a training bra line?
I was the opposite of your daughter. My mom had to drag me to the training bra section because “my boobies were showing through my shirt.” I didn’t want to grow up and wear a stupid bra. I still don’t, but unfortunately gravity won’t allow me not to. Wah!
February 6th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Awww…. she wants boobs!
Can you believe that conservative me blogged about my vagina today? I felt so RACY!
February 6th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
This is why we’ve made the decision to homeschool. There are no woodies, wet dreams or boobs, specifically boobs big enough to require bras, in the world of homeschooling. Really. That’s what it said in the brochure….
February 6th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
I’m with Hannah…being a girl with bewbies halfway through the alphabet, my only options are industrial strength bras. How is possible that our baby girls have access to racy stuff? My daughter is almost ten, and I pray to god that the puberty fairy stays the hell away from our house for as long as possible, I can’t bear it! So far my daughter is happy with undershirts…thank goodness.
February 6th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
I’m boring or at least my bras are. Actually, they don’t make bras like these for my saggy rack.
February 6th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
I am HOWLING right now…. BEAVER TAILS???!!!???!!!???!!! You are TOOO frickin frackin FUNNY! And, I CANNOT believe that’s a TRAINING bra. My daughter’s 2.5, and already I’m getting scared!
February 6th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Beaver Tails. Wow. That left me with quite the visual.
February 6th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
THAT is a training bra??? I can’t begin to imagine what they will look like in a few years when my now 6 year old will need them. My husband would have a stroke. I’m so grateful that our school district has a uniform policy - polo shirts or turtlenecks and Dockers - no jeans allowed.
February 6th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Ok… that’s a bit much… I can’t believe they are putting padding in training bras. I got my first in the 4th grade… but I was one of the first to sprout in our class. I’m surprised in 6th grade she isn’t there yet - watch out, she’ll probably explode over night.
February 6th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Oh man, that is a training bra? Why does society try to sexualize such young girls? Grr.
February 6th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
I am glad that I’m not the only mom whose kids ask all the tough questions when Dad is gone. My boys asked me what a “boulder” was after seeing the movie Cocoon. I spent a half hour explaining what a boner was.
Good times.
And yeah, those bras are for little hookers in training! Eeeeek. I can’t imagine what they’ll look like when Katie needs one.
February 6th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Those questions have started recently at my house also. They make great blogging material when my mind is blank.
February 6th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
Crap - and she’s only 11? So, what’s that say for me? I’m 32 and still wishing I had boobs!!! Da*n - do you think they’ll ever grow???
February 6th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Add me to the list of people who can’t believe that’s a freakin’ training bra!
Then again, I got my period when I was 9. I never got to wear a training bra — I jumped straight to the big girl undies.
February 6th, 2008 at 10:36 pm
Yeah, absolutely no way I am letting my daughter turn into a slut like her mom! That animal print bra is a short leap to it, I swear!
February 6th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
Sports bras are the answer–at least for right now.
I don’t know if they have Sears in your (red)neck of the woods, but they actually have quite a good selection of bras for the barely endowed.
February 6th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
OOOH I can barely handle Adam singing ‘Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me’ and Caity dancing along to Bratz shows…..
OOOOOh the future is scary
February 6th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
From your definition of boobs in the last paragraph, I still don’t really have any. Sigh.
February 6th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
THAT IS A TRAINING BRA?
Are you sure? Because I swear some 11-year-old will buy that thing and then they’ll get a call from Lola, the hottest hooker on the strip, wanting it back.
Damn.
PlS.
I realized reading this posts that my 11-year-old son will be sneaking his sheets into the wash in the next year or so.
SO FREAKING NOT READY FOR THAT!
February 6th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
That picture scared the shit out of me. And sickened me. And there are people who state that we are not sexualizing our children.
February 7th, 2008 at 5:53 am
As a 61 year old grandmother with 7 grandchildren, I’ve heard a lot as well..but wet dreams and masturbating, I admit even I would have been speechless..what in the heck do you say…I’ll be thinking of that all day. You are a stitch and while I’m healing from my ovarian cancer surgery..and new med ports placed in two places in my body.. I’m dam well holding my side laughing. You my lady are my hero…
My best,
Dorothy from grammology
remember to call your gram..I think
www.grammology.com
February 7th, 2008 at 6:34 am
My mom had to force me to wear a training bra. Seriously. I cried and told her I didn’t want to. When I finally did wear one to school, I wore my jacket the whole time. Then when I got home from school I would hurry and take it off and hide it behind the bathroom door. I was a farm girl, not some bra-wearing chick! heh.
February 7th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Even those old training bras look better than what I have in my undie drawer.
February 7th, 2008 at 10:55 am
CHIT!!!!!
My wifes collection isnt that good.
Yeah, you realize that time is against you, she will be sneaking one into her purse, and as soon as she is out the door heading to the bus, she will be doing that to this day is an incredible act that women can remove a bra without taking off their top, in reverse, so the other girls will think she is cool.
I know what you are going through Redneck, but peer pressure is horrendous, and you may need to draw the line in the sand at a different point, like not the actual attire, but what she does or does NOT with whats under the attire.
Putting on a bra, even a training bra puts her in the norm at school, regardless of if it actually does ANY job now. Resentment can take different forms, and you dont want to know what could be next, it can get real bad, I swear.
Girls can be vicious, and it starts at this age, and its not like when you were in school. yeah, at the house she is alone with her mom, a beaver tailed boob pierced funny woman that has lived a hell not many have…..
BUT…..
She may feel its a hell nonetheless. So reconsider your resolve for the proper line in the sand. Teach her the real values that you want her to know, clothing ISNT one of them (well not microskirts and thongs yet)
Just a thought from someone who has been where you are, but also one that has seen what the real hell can be at a later time.
February 7th, 2008 at 11:25 am
What?? THAT is a training bra??? WTF? Oy. My oldest is 8 - I am SOOO dreading these conversations, but fortunately she is a bit of a space cadet and maybe she won’t notice that the other girls are wearing bras? I can only hope.
So how did you handle the OTHER questions? I bet that was funny.
February 7th, 2008 at 11:38 am
I wish my mom had used words like “funbags”.
And now I will go put both my daughters, the two year old one and the unborn one, in a convent.
February 7th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
I’ve been reading for a while now, but this post gave me the urge to comment. Hi-larious.
I don’t have any children, but I remember being in elementary school when girls started wearing bras. I begged my mom for one, too. I don’t remember much fuss over it, and I got a plain white bra with a little blue flower nestled between the two cups. Man, I thought I was cool.
Then I got older and my damn boobs kept growing and now they’re a pain in the ass.
That being said, I don’t see the harm in buying Fric a training bra, as long as it’s plain. It may not be necessary, but she’ll appreciate not feeling left out. Just my two cents.
February 7th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Wait a dayumed minit. Our girls are going to grow up and be sexual? Aw hayull naw!!!
February 7th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
I’m so glad my kids are good at using context to interpret new terminology. Inappropriate cartoons that are actually written for adults are good for teaching new terminology. Just sit your kids in front of the tube.
As to the bra situation, I can tell you that they most certainly do have training bras like those in the first picture. My 11yo has them. I’m not sure she needs them, but she does have them. Are there Target stores in Canada? They have a great line of sports bras and coordinates for girls that age.
I know these things because I also have a 15yo daughter. She has graduated from training bras to VS, from cute little girl underwear to thongs and boy shorts that look remarkably like what I had previously considered lingerie. Just a year or two ago dh was teasing her about “needing” a training bra and calling her Itty Bitty Titties. (Yeah, my kids will *so* need therapy.) Now she is bigger than me. How freakin’ depressing is that?
February 7th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
Okay I feel so much better about having to roll mine up if you’re having to do it too.
February 7th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Aack! Those look nothing like my first training bras.
Odd terminology, no?
What, exactly are we “training” the breasts to do? Mine never learned anything from said training. They refused to grow. They came in lopsided. They fled my chest after I finished nursing and now reside somewhere near my knees.
So if you find a bra that does any REAL training, let me know. I’ll buy it in anticipation of my daughter’s teenage years.
February 7th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
Holy smokes this is funny. But this is also the first time that I’ve been thankful that my triplets aren’t yet potty trained. God help me when they reach puberty. I already feel like I’ve aged 40 years in the past 3.
February 8th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Hilarious, as usual. But after reading your post, I thank God I have a son.
February 8th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
I’m careening down that crazy road right along with you Tanis. God help us.
February 8th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
I said the same thing when I saw the girl’s underwear section at JCPenney. JCPENNY!!!! I couldn’t find good looking bras there if I tried! Now 12 year olds can wear lepord print lacy things??? Christ, I was just happy to get a purple bra back then. It hasn’t even been 15 years yet!
February 9th, 2008 at 12:39 am
That’s maybe a training for the POLE bra… yeesh. What about thos elittle stretchy plain cotton Elita ones? Bet those’d work okay without making you insane. More insane.
And hey - they could be getting their info off the internet. Isn’t this better? yes, really. It is.
February 9th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
The irony is, I saw the first picture of a training bra you posted and not only thought how comfortable it looked, I was amazed at how closely it resembled the Asics sports bras that I wear most days now that pregnancy has made underwires uncomfortable.
February 9th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Boob story of significant embarrassment - my mom had a high school friend who was a physician. I had never really met him. He came over to visit when I was 10 and my dad asked him if it was normal that one breast grow before the other, because mine were clearly lopsided. Did I mention I was in the room when the three of them were discussing MY jugs and the fact that I was hitting puberty?
Totally mortified.
February 10th, 2008 at 8:05 am
I’d like to know where you found those training bras - I want me some!
Yes, I’m 35 and could fit into a training bra - while nursing a baby.
February 11th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
My daughter will be 9 in about a week and she’s definitely sprouting tiny little boobies.
Shoot me now.
February 11th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
My 5th grader started wearing one in 3rd grade. She went to my mom & I just a bit ticked off. She actually needed it in 4th grade though. At least half the girls started wearing them in 3rd grade at our school though.
Oh my mom bought them at JC Penney, had to laugh at the comment above mine. My daughter has fancier bras then I do, satin, polka dots, cute circles. When I buy her bras that look like training bras she flips out, she wants the underwire & the pretty bows, etc. UGH!
February 14th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
I didn’t want boobs. Now I’m quite happy with them, training bras sucked. There really wasn’t any point to them…I mean, what are you training anyway? Hmm?
March 3rd, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Maybe I am shopping in the wrong department for my bras!