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Bad to Worse
The universe was talking to me yesterday before I even rolled my dimpled arse out of bed. It was saying, “Don’t do it, T. Stay in bed.”
I, of course, was not listening. I was jonesing for coffee and wondering how I could lure my husband back home so I wouldn’t have to be the one to referee Fric and Frac first thing in the morning as they argued over socks.
Because I wasn’t listening, the universe decided to send me a clear message. Namely, by having my dog’s claws snag my boob jewelry as he raced to fetch a teddy bear thereby stretching out my left McGuffy until the boob gave up, cried for mercy and rolled under the bed for sanctuary.
Gathering my stretched and sore appendage to my chest and vowing to switch from hoops to barbells, I made my way to the kitchen, dreaming of a dog with no legs. Where I promptly stubbed my toe on the birdcage, dropped wet coffee grinds onto the floor and discovered there was no creamer for my coffee.
Still, I ignored the Universe and my cozy warm bed and plundered on with my day. When my lovely daughter reminded me I was supposed to be fasting for a medical appointment and was not supposed to have any coffee, I should have just given up and crawled back into bed.
A morning with out coffee is akin to hell. Still, I persevered. Because I am the picture of optimism. The day can only get better I figured, as I whistled a snappy tune and hopped into the shower, smiling with possibilities.
Okay, no I didn’t. I moaned that God, Himself was out to get me and then cursed a blue streak so creative my son high-fived me and then immediately committed said cusses to memory so as to be able to repeat them on the playground as I stomped into the bathroom.
I made a promise to Boo that I wouldn’t put my health on a back burner any longer so I sucked my shitty start to the day up, shoved my legs into the only pair of jeans that haven’t split down the middle when I bend over still fit and then hopped up and down as I tried to button the buggers up. You know the dance of which I speak. The one where you are valiantly trying to squeeze that roll of flab into a pair of too-small pants while looking like you are having epileptic fits to music only dogs can hear. Ya, that’s the one.
Then I promptly unbuttoned the little buggers when I got in my car to drive to town. It was either do that or to hold my breath as I drove 35 km to the lab.
When I walked into the rural hospital where the lab was, I glanced around to see how many old people were milling about. Old people equal longer wait times which equals an even bitchier, annoyed Tanis who is in desperate need of caffeination.
Not a blue-haired person to be seen so I started visualizing the steaming hot cup of coffee I was soon to be swallowing. I handed my lab papers to the receptionist whose cup of coffee sat before me and mocked me with it’s tantalizing aroma and sat down to wait as she found someone to stab me with a sharp pointy stick. Er, needle.
I’ve been poked before, many times. Once, when I was really sick and the docs feared my appendix had ruptured they ended up poking me 27 times before finally finding a vein in my ankle. Good times. I’ve harboured a healthy fear of needles ever since. So picture me sitting in the waiting room, salivating over the scent of badly brewed hospital coffee wafting through the air, beads of sweat springing out on my brow and twitching slightly with nerves.
It was right about then a light shone down from the heavens above and angels started singing. Brad Pitt stood before me.
Well, okay, not Mr. Pitt, but surely his doppelganger. The best looking man I have ever seen in my life walked towards me. He was perfection personified.
“Excuse me, ma’am, but you’re drooling,” he said as he offered me a tissue. Dear Lawd, he had an Aussie accent. Could he be any more perfect, I pondered as he stared at me and wondered if I was mentally disabled.
“Ma’am? Are you Tanis?” he repeated.
Snapping out of it and realizing he was not only talking to me but he looked a little worried that I was about to strip him naked and jump him. I pulled myself together, shut my mouth, wiped my drool and tried to act cool. Because drool is cool.
“Um, yes,” I stammered. His muscles rippled like a caged tiger as he walked. It was all I could do to reach out and pat his arse to see if it was made of stone.
“Here. Pee in this,” he said as he handed me a plastic cup. How sexy. As I blushed three shades red, I rushed off to escape my own idiotic behaviour and get a grip.
It was right about then that I realized there was no way I could squeeze out any urine. I had fasted for 13 hours. I was dehydrated. But there was no way I was going out there and announcing to that handsome hunk of a man I couldn’t pee on command. So I sat there and thought of Niagra Falls, visualizing the rushing waters of Nature.
Three drops later, I figured that was as good as it was going to get and put the cup in the little box, hoping he wouldn’t check it until I was well the hell out of Dodge.
Wrestling with my jeans again, I ignored my reflection in the mirror because after the drool there was no way this man would ever find me attractive so I may as well just accept defeat, and I made my way back to the chair to commence with the poking.
As he pulled up my sleeves and eyed my veins, we chatted about the weather, about his accent and about small towns in general. I tried to ignore the fact he was getting ready to stab me and make off with my blood like a vampire. I focused on how beautiful this man was, on how lucky I was to be married to a slightly less beautiful man, on how there was a spider hanging from the web in the corner. Anything except the sharp pointy needle he had just picked up and was pointing at me.
He looked up at me then and noticed I was sweating profusely a little nervous and asked if I was afraid of needles.
“No, no. I just get nervous when a good looking man pokes me with out any foreplay,” I stammered.
“I’ll try and be gentle,” he reassured me as he wished I would just shut my freaking mouth already.
“No, no, I like it rough.” Shut UP TANIS!!! Oh look, I’m a drooling twit who can fit BOTH feet in her mouth. It was a puzzle why he wasn’t offering to be my love slave for life.
He raised his eyebrow, chuckled and then shoved the needle in.
That’s all I remember.
Until I woke up on the floor.
Ya. I fainted. At the feet of the good-looking nurse. As he was stealing my blood. And thinking what a damn dork I was.
“Are you okay, ma’am?” he asked as he patted my back and handed me a glass of juice.
Um, ya. I’m fabulous. Not mortified at all. I just passed out suddenly and the world’s hottest nurse keeps calling me ma’am. Could life get any freaking better? I looked down, expecting to see a needle still stuck in my arm, but there was nothing there.
“Don’t worry, you fainted as I was pulling the needle out. I got all the blood required to test you for that geeky gene you must surely have inherited.”
“Goody. I’m awfully sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I don’t normally fall at the feet of gorgeous men. I like being stabbed, I’m generally a vampire’s wet dream,” I blathered as I stuffed myself into my coat and tried not to make eye contact with McSteamy.
“Well, it could have been worse. At least you didn’t pee when you fainted,” he joked as he twirled around my near empty pee cup.
Ya. Thank God for small miracles.
I really should have listened to the Universe when it spoke. This’ll teach me.
February 8th, 2008 at 10:18 am
I almost passed out the first time I donated blood. Quite embarrasing indeed.
February 8th, 2008 at 10:39 am
Lesson: when they say “don’t drink anything before your appointment” they MEAN “just a cup o’ joe won’t kill ya.” Seriously.
February 8th, 2008 at 10:56 am
You really are a drama queen.
And you arent even blonde!
Next time, wear sweats LOL OK, athletic skins, like Under Armour, unless you mind like looking like a Oscar Meyer weenie LOL
Have a great weekend!
February 8th, 2008 at 11:02 am
BTW
are you still doing closet smoking, or has that stopped?
Just curious with the cold weather and all, seeing you outdoors puffing as your feet freee to the water underfoot.
STOP IT if you are, and GREAT if you have.
Next time you poke those nipples with a new barbell, smoke will pour out like a steam locomotive belching bunker fuel.
February 8th, 2008 at 11:30 am
I always cheat on those things. There! I said it. I cheat on my blood tests for coffee. I don’t care who pokes me, they die if there is no coffee first.
February 8th, 2008 at 11:32 am
This was so hilarious! I was at the gym the other day and a man that was like 85 called me ma’mn. Seriously? I can take it when the person is younger than me, but not older!!
February 8th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Oh my gosh, you are hilarious! I’m so glad I found your blog- I can get my daily dose of funny. BTW- Did it drive you nuts that he was ma’am-ing you?
February 8th, 2008 at 11:33 am
ma’mn, ma’am? See I’m not even old enough to spell it correctly!
February 8th, 2008 at 11:59 am
I don’t do needles. Had a lot of them inserted into my arms as a child.
February 8th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Oh Tanis, I always make them buy me dinner before I’ll pee on anything.
Oh and I have this really special shooting dagger look for anyone who calls me ma’am - I practice in the mirror (unfortunately it kinda gives me a Curella Deville thing but whatever… it’s like a tiny little backhand to my face whenever someone says that).
Did you remember to pick up creamer on the way home or did you just mainline some starbucks directly into the hole he left in your arm?
February 8th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time! (For the record, it’s not what happened that I find so darn amusing, it’s the way you tell it! Hopefully that gets me off the hook for laughing my #$% off?!)
Great post!!
February 8th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Damn, woman. I laughed (sadly, at you, not with you). I cried (tears of laughter, not pity).
Next time you’re giving blood or urine, I’ll bet a bottle of scotch that you’re wearing “the purple shirt”.
February 8th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
I passed out once! I was 18 and was walking into the hospital when all things around me started going grey, I leaned against the wall and my knees turned to liquid and splat I was on the floor. And then, of course, the smallest man in the world walked into the hospital and dragged me to an examination room, I wasn’t huge at 18 maybe 110 pounds, 5 ft 4 inches, but the smallest man in the world was 5 ft nothing and 98 lbs. How embarrassing to pass out in public then to add insult to injury a munchkin came to my aide!
February 8th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
You just made my morning! With your pain! I’m so sorry I’m such an ass.
I’ve passed out before, although my last draw was done by a woman who looked like a man with hate in her eyes. (I came in right before 5 with an order for 14, yes 14 little vials. She took it personally.)
Hope you feel better soon, miss.
February 8th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
HAHAHAHA.
My high school had the hottest art teacher ever. One of my friends passed out while using some sort of toxic art supply and he carried her to the nurses station - she woke up after a few seconds but let him carry her any way.
February 8th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
You do know how to put things. You just might need to come up with more excuses to go back and visit Dr. McSteamy-from-down-under. And remind me not to read your blog when there are customers around!
February 8th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Really good-looking men make me tongue-tied. There was a hottie at the music in motion class today and I was a blubbering idiot.
February 8th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
What a day.
I feel that a good dose of wine is exactly what the Dr. ordered.
February 8th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Good hell. My nipples are raging with empathy pain and I don’t even have boob jewelery!
Owie.
I have the suckiest veins on the planet and have also had the lovely ” Vein in the ankle” experience, except my phlebotomists are always very large and unattractive woman with mustaches.
I somehow think having a gorgeous person jamming me with “The needle of hideousness” would somehow make the experience more endurable.
February 8th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Honey, you deserve a drink. *Passes RM a glass of wine* Here’s to staying in bed next time.
February 8th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
I am sorry for your pain, but your post sure brightened my day.
If I am ever in need of a doctor the next time I’m in your Province, I am going to make sure to get the name from you
February 8th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
I can relate. I get women drooling over me all the time.
February 8th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Crap, is it ok that I laughed my ass off?? You sure can capture the moment!
February 8th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
I heard the Universe speak to you yesterday so I curled up on my sofa and I did not move all day long. It was a little slice of heaven it but it would have been better if I wasn’t sick and if some hot Aussie was trying to poke me.
February 8th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Dude, I always get shafted with a fat old mean nurse whenever I get a physical…maybe I should move to Canada.
February 8th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Oh T, I can’t think of anything sensible to say…. I hardly know where to start!
I’m sorry you fainted, and I’m sorry the cute guy kept calling you maam!
On the plus side, you were tended to by a gorgeous Aussie (many of us are astoundingly good-looking …. he he), and you’ve given us yet another hilarious story to read.
And now I would like to wish you a relaxing and non-fainting weekend!
February 8th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
I really can’t stand laughing at your misery. Sheesh. If you weren’t such a good writer I’d be such a better human.
February 8th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
If it makes you feel any better I bet he took a good look at your boobs before you came to.
Now, what’s with this weird gene? Don’t make me get all worried.
February 8th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
So did I miss the story of how you got nipple jewelry with no needles? I didn’t think so….and I so feel your pain on that one. Know how you can tell your old? When you get your nipple jewelry stuck on the button of your levis. Or so I’ve heard…lol.
February 8th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
My fear of needles is the reason I haven’t been driven to crack or heroin - cuz there are certainly days of craziness in which I think about it.
Oops did I just say that out loud.
Ok, yeah I’m kidding.
February 8th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Yep. Ain’t nothing worse than a hot guy callin’ ya ma’am.
Hope the bloodwork all comes back ok.
February 8th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Oh honey, just be thankful you did not lose control of your bowels when you passed out. I detest blood tests I nearly fainted reading this.
Are you ok? May I ask what you are being tested for?
February 8th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
well, that’ll learn ya, with your smart mouth!
February 8th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
I think your blog is the funniest one I have ever read. I don’t ever remember laughing out loud so much.
I took my 10 year old daughter in for a blood draw just this afternoon. She is really good at it…so calm…and even peed in the cup first.
Reading your blog made me realize how bad it could have been! Thanks for sharing.
February 8th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
Further evidence that men in the medical profession should be ugly.
Old and ugly.
February 8th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
It’s hard enough to submit to such torture when it’s delivered by a homely middle-aged woman, let alone a hot young guy.
February 8th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
I said the C word yesterday. I NEVER say the C word. Moo wanted a high five and then called her friends and her sister to share.
They think I am awesome now.
Who knew?
And as for the nurse. No way he was Australian. He must be faking the accent. Aussie guys don’t say maam. It is a fact.
February 9th, 2008 at 12:25 am
dude. girl. is there anything worse than being ma’amed? i hate that. sorry for the yuck. and the ma’am. that was uncalled for.
February 9th, 2008 at 12:35 am
I have a hard time with the bloodletting, too. I now have the name of the good tech, but while she’s VERY nice, she’s not a vision of medical yum. That might help.
February 9th, 2008 at 8:34 am
My hubby is a nurse and he is always trying to poke me with “things”, too. Hasn’t made me pass out yet, though.
There is no escaping Ma’am here in the south. It quite annoys me, so we haven’t been teaching our son to say it and he is always getting in trouble at school for his lack of Ma’ams. Maybe we should just pack up and move to Canada……
February 9th, 2008 at 8:42 am
Why don’t I ever get hot nurses poking me?
February 9th, 2008 at 8:45 am
Girl, you shoulda stayed in bed. About the time I woke up and stubbed a toe, it would have been the end of my day.
And I agree with Heather….
Why the hell don’t I ever get hot nurses poking at me?? I always get the acne scarred, weight challenged, body odor suffering vampires who can’t wield a needle if their lives depended on it.
What happened to the good old days when a sticking for blood was a sure sign of foreplay???
February 9th, 2008 at 9:31 am
I wish I could faint when they are taking blood - I have the least cooperative veins on the planet and being unconscious while they poke around them would be a huge blessing. sorry for the sucky day.
February 9th, 2008 at 11:01 am
Oooo…what a hottie! Sounds like a marvelous time. I hope you got properly nourished as soon as you left. I hope the tests are okay too. Good for you for not ignoring your health.
February 9th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Fainting beats screaming…
That’s really embarrassing
February 9th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Can I go to your hospital?
Or can I pee for you and let him analyze it?
February 9th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
Don’t worry sweetie, lots of people faint when they get needles. Well, not really lots, but a few, except they’re usually men, young men.
February 10th, 2008 at 10:22 am
I’m not afraid of needles, but I may have made an exception to get the attention of McSteamy
February 10th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
I’ll bet he was totally attracted to you. Fainting probably made you look helpless, which really turns men on.
Or so I hear.
February 10th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
I had a panic attack in front of Hot Doctor (the orthopedic surgeon examining my shoulder, which I injured during a fall sustained while running across stepping stones in platform flip-flops). Said attack included much sobbing and wailing.
Hot Doctor concluded that my panic attack occurred because the pain meds were interfering with the effectiveness of my anti-depressant.
Lovely. I make a helluva a first impression.
Now as for your fainting … I’ll bet you swooned gracefully in Scarlet fashion and he secretly adored reviving you. The “ma’m” was his way of disguising his lustful thoughts.
February 10th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
it is wise to listen to the universe, indeed.
though you got some serious nasty pride punishment for just trying to be a healthy wife…geez, universe. a little kindness, please.
and i’m sure he had lustful thoughts at your swooning. yep.
February 11th, 2008 at 5:35 am
La-La-La-La *hands over ears* I am not listening to stories about blood and needles! La-La-La-La…
February 11th, 2008 at 8:49 am
Ouch. On all accounts. Just, ouch.
February 11th, 2008 at 10:18 am
If only you could have stayed unconscious just a little longer, maybe you’d have gotten some mouth-to-mouth out of it?
February 11th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Snort…
I hope you fainted gracefully…must have if he could still get the blood out….
Heh…
did you see my tale over at wetcoastwomen?
No hunks..just dumb bitches…and I am amazed that I didn’t faint
February 11th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Having my first chemo treatment today, yesterday 5 steriod before bed, 5 more in the am. 4 different kind of meds for nausia, and a few other things before the chemo..then I found out I had to have a visiting nurse, stop by our home with a police escort..so now they think there is a domestic or robbery here..and she gave me a hepatitis A as our supermarket just had a produce guy come down with the disease. So tomorrow I go back for part two and next Tuesday part three and oh in between I receive hydration in my med port at home. Life sucks and then I hope I live..this I do for 6 months. So your day made me laugh..I need to laugh I want to laugh I will read you everyday..in between my naps. Your the best…
My best,
Dorothy from grammology
www.grammology.com
February 11th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
We interrupt this comment for a special note:
Dear Dorothy Stahlnecker,
Oh dear lord. I am sorry for your current health predicament and I’m glad Tanis brightened your day. She has an uncanny knack for doing just that. You hang in there, OK? I’ll be thinking of you.
Ruth Dynamite
February 11th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
What a fucking idiot! He got you juice? I’d have been groping your fainted boobies.
Heh.
February 12th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Try having Super hottie be your OB-GYN’s new student…….Wouldn’t be so bad but I was not showing yet and he was hitting on me in the waiting room
February 13th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
I didn’t know you had a boob ring! Coo! (I once fainted at a karaoke bar…. In front of EVERYONE.)
February 14th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Ouch, the mental image of having a boob ring almost pulled out made me shiver. I could never get my boob pierced! I’ll stick to my nose…hehe.
February 15th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
Baaaaahaaaa!
How does this stuff always happen to you, babe?
March 3rd, 2008 at 12:34 pm
That was hilarious! I have tears running down my checks and the dogs thank I have completely lost it. Thanks for the laughs, I really needed it today!