*It’s another of my tragically long posts, but it’s worth it at the end. I promise.*
For a smart girl, I sure have my fair share of dumb moments. Worse yet, they sneak up on me and I’m actually surprised by how dumb something I just did really was.
Take for example, dumb moment #2704 this past week. In my haste to get to the hospital after Cowboy’s accident, I completely forgot about my children and the fact that they would be bouncing off a school bus sometime around 4:30, expecting fresh baked cookies and a warm embrace from their loving mother.
All right. So I’m exaggerating. While fresh baked cookies may cause their heads to explode, they would be expecting to see my increasingly wide arse sitting on the couch, riveted by the drama taking place on Young and The Restless and for me shushing them to be quiet as I tried to hear what my man Jack had to say.
Somehow, with a gaping eye wound, a cute doctor and a worried best friend, I forgot I had given birth to needy little humans who require nourishment and parental supervision.
With just seconds minutes to spare before the kids were released into the wild and herded onto their yellow bus, I managed to remember to make childcare arrangements, phone the school, intercept their release and redirect them in a direction where there would actually be an adult to feed and protect them.
(Gotta love having a sister-in law who lives across the street from the school.)
I felt pretty good about myself, actually. Look at me, handling a medical emergency, supporting my friends in a time of need and remembering to be a good mommy all at the same time. I freaking rock. In my head, the government was laying roses at my feet as they placed a sparkly rhinestone encrusted tiara on my head while tossing needy children into my arms.
Whose your momma now, I thought to myself. You know, because a girl can never get too cocky.
Fast forward several hours and the Cowboy was in surgery to have his eye stitched back together and I figured it would be a good time to phone my kids and reestablish contact. You know, remind them who’s boss. Just in case they were thinking of trading me in for the prettier, kinder version that is their aunt.
I had honestly assumed because I am a dumbass like that they would have heard what had happened to their Cowboy Uncle and I wouldn’t be springing this trauma on them out of the blue.
I had completely forgotten that my increasingly mature children are in fact, children, and still bear the scars of burying a brother and may harbour some residual fear when it comes to hospitals.
Hours of stress from trying to avoid looking at a gaping eyeball oozing blood and pus and tears and from stupidly guzzling several pots of hospital coffee all combined to rob me of any parental common sense I had. It was like a zombie beat me with the stupid stick and gained control of my brain.
After informing my sister in law of Cowboy’s situation, I asked her if I could speak to either Fric or Frac. She reached out and grabbed the nearest kiddo, who just happened to be my beautiful son, Frac.
“Hey buddy! How was school,” I asked Frac. He prattled on about how many girls he chased around the schoolyard and other important ten-year-old gossip, before remembering that I wasn’t home.
“Where are you Mom?” So innocent my son is. So stupid his mother is. I never even thought to edit the situation. I just blurted it out like the dumbass I am.
“Oh? Nobody told you?” I asked, surprised as I tried to jam my foot in my mouth. (Of course no one told them. Other adults don’t want to deal with the emotional baggage of damaged preteens. That or they have the common sense filter God was handing out to everyone as I sat in a corner and picked my nose.)
“Well, Cowboy had a bad accident at work-” That was as far as I got before Frac had a grade A, full-fledged, snotty nosed melt down. You would have thought someone had told him a few years ago that his brother died on the way to the hospital in the middle of the night or something.
Oh. Right. Someone did. That would have been me. So, um, the question begs, HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOT THAT SMALL DETAIL?
Eventually, after much cajoling and consoling, I explained to my son that unlike his baby brother, his favorite uncle was in no danger of dying. It took a few tries before I successfully convinced him that the man who routinely tosses him around like a rag doll wouldn’t be saying hello to Bug in person anytime soon before Frac finally calmed down.
For all of two seconds. Then he asked what had happened to his uncle and this is where that zombie came back and beat me with the stupid stick again because you know, once, apparently, IS not enough for me to learn my lesson.
“Well, Frac, you know what a chisel is, right?”
“Ya, it’s that sharp metal tool Dad uses to whittle wood with,” Frac answered.
“Good boy,” his dumbass mother prattled on, “well, a chisel came flying out of nowhere when your Uncle was at work and it came to a stop in his eye. Sliced that sucker right in half. Squished it like a grape-”
Commence grade A, full fledged, snotty nosed melt down #2.
The government was taking back my tiara and snatching back the roses and babies in my imagination as I realized the mental image I had just colorfully painted for my TEN-year old son.
It’s simply amazing how stupid I can be sometimes. I’d almost be proud if I wasn’t so damn embarrassed.
After a sprouting a few more grey hairs and new wrinkles, I managed to calm Frac down and convince his uncle would be fine. This time I took particular care not to gross the kid out or share how his eyeball looked as it gaped wide open.
I told Frac how much we all loved him and how I would be home soon, and reminded him to say his prayers and brush his teeth at bedtime and generally tried to act like the mother I should be instead of the twit I was.
Just when I thought I was home free, he put his sister on the line. You would have thought I learned from Frac’s reaction to self-edit what I spewed to my daughter.
You’d have thought wrong.
A prepubescent eleven-year-old girl wails longer and louder than her ten-year-old brother. Just in case you were wondering.
Late that night, after learning the Cowboy’s eye had been saved and now it was just a wait and see game to see if he retains any sort of vision in his eye, I opened the door to my empty house, where only the animals awaited me and I thanked God for my health and the health and safety of my family and I poured myself a large glass of wine.
As I gulped slowly savored the burgundy and listened to my phone messages, I reflected on how scarred my children are and how my family, my children in particular, are more aware than most adults around them, that life really can change in a blink of an eye.
Illustrated by the fact that as I tried to erase the mental image of chisels and gaping eye wounds and the wounded cries of my heart broken children, a sweet voice on the telephone congratulated Boo and I for FINALLY BEING APPROVED FOR ADOPTION AND MOVING INTO THE CHILD MATCHING STAGE.
Life really does change in the blink of an eye. Sometimes it throws a chisel at you and other times it tosses a child.
*Thanks for all your prayers and well wishes. I’ll let you know what happens with Cowboy’s vision. And of course, I will let you know when they match us with a child. Keep your fingers crossed it will be sooner rather than later. That is, unless of course, the government reads this and decides I’m too stupid to parent a potato let alone a needy child.*
111 Comments
WAHOOOO!! Great news!!
Hope all goes well!!
[Reply]
I so wish you hadn’t told them you had a blog.
You jam that tiara right back on your head and wear it with pride.
Honest mistakes under stress are to be expected. What they disapprove of is crackheads and alkies. And abusive parenting.
You? You’re normal as a Canadian winter allows a body to be.
Rock on.
[Reply]
Witchypoo,
I didn’t TELL them. The clever bureaucrats discovered it all by themselves.
But boy, I wish they hadn’t.
[Reply]
Wooohooooo for you! That great news couldn’t have come at a better time! I’m so happy for you.
[Reply]
OMG! That’s wonderful news! You really deserve it.
[Reply]
Congratulations!!!! That is excellent news!
And best wishes for Cowboy Bean’s vision. Eye wounds….. shudddddder.
[Reply]
Delurking to say a big congratulations. That is fantastic!
[Reply]
Though I truly enjoy the uncensored T, I fear for your children; giving poor Frac a melt down like that?! Tsk, tsk.
I am truly happy for Cowboy’s eye’s been saved. I hope for a full recovery and…
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! Baby picking stage.
It’s like shopping, only better!
Congrats friend!
[Reply]
Yippie-yi-yo-ki-yea! Congratulations on the approval.
Sending thoughts and prayers for a full vision recovery for Cowboy Bean.
[Reply]
Congrats to you and to Bean! He still has his eye, yes? Cause for celebration right there.
Your kiddoes? would have bean scarred some other way anyway. No one survives unscathed…lol.
[Reply]
hey! That’s amazing, congratulations - and all the well-wishes in the world to you friend and the kiddos too.
[Reply]
I’m so glad you finally got the call, T. Congratulations. I’ll keep my fingers crossed in your general direction for a swift child-match and Cowboy Bean’s vision.
[Reply]
That’s wonderful news!
And I’m glad your friend’s eye has been saved. That’s good news, too.
[Reply]
YAY!!! So happy for you, and that your friend still has an eyeball…kind of.
[Reply]
FANTASTIC NEWS about getting to the next stage in the adoption. I’m so happy for you guys
[Reply]
HURRAY! For sewn-up eyeballs and you on your way to babydom!
(Your long posts? ALWAYS worth it.)
[Reply]
CONGRATULATIONS!
I am so happy for you and your family!
[Reply]
Even on my bad days - ie. stuck at work eating Girl Scout cookies, your long blogs are wonderful.
Congrats to Bean and T. You are going to make some special child very happy!!
[Reply]
OMG Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
[Reply]
YIPPEEE! Congrats!
[Reply]
Can’t wait to hear about you meeting your match.
[Reply]
Thank goodness (on the eye) and hooray (on the adoption)!
May you be matched with your child very soon!
[Reply]
First, congratulations! What wonderful news!!
Second, you were stressed and probably exhausted after what happened with your friend. We all do dumb things sometimes, so try to give yourself a break!
I hope your friend is doing well!
[Reply]
Scars fade but don’t disappear.
I’m so glad to hear that the process is moving forward.
[Reply]
Woo Hoo!!!!! Congratulations!!!!!
[Reply]
Congrats! Hope you get a new addition to your family soon!
[Reply]
WOO HOO I am so happy for you I even got some tears in the eye while reading this. I wish you the best in adopting what a beatiful and wonderful thing for your family. I know you will make the difference in a your new childs life that could not have been done by a natural parent. I have went and read Bug’s story both here and on his site and know that there is no heart better suited to enrich the life of a disabled child than yours. I wish you the very best:)
[Reply]
I am so excited and thrilled for you. I hope that you are quickly matched up with a wonderful child whose life you will be able to enhance so greatly….
[Reply]
Oh. My. God.
What are you doing to me woman! You need to put those things in two freaking posts cause the rollercoaster ride is making me woozy.
I am sitting here ‘clutching my pearls’ at the horror of the situation with Fric and Frac, thinking about Bug and amazing at your ability not to fall in a screaming heap and then the last sentence comes….. and my intestines unknot (and man that was freaking PAINFUL crossing them for so long) and I am crying. CRYING WOMAN!! At the thought of some child getting to be part of your amazing family.
Shit. I just remembered Boo is in the bath. Forgot all about him while I was running around whooping for you. Bloody kid will be a prune now.
Smootches to my favourite Red Neck chick.
[Reply]
OMG! Congrats!
[Reply]
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…
Congratulations!!!!
They couldn’t have picked a better family. No, really. I’m not even kidding about that.
(Do you think that convinced the people in charge?)
[Reply]
So glad to hear you guys are on the the next stage. Let that lucky kiddo get here soon.
Hope Cowboy Bean gets good news on his vision.
[Reply]
congratulations!
[Reply]
That is going to be one beloved child, not only by his/her parents but by their sister and brother who have the biggest hearts in the world!!!!
Congratulations! I mean that with all my heart. What wonderful news for your family. Thanks for sharing it with us.
[Reply]
Hellz yeah!!
[Reply]
Like I said when I first heard this most excellent news, the Canadian government has done something RIGHT.
BOOYA.
[Reply]
a big HUGE congratulations on getting to the next stage of the adoption process!!
[Reply]
I had to read those capital letters 4 times before they sunk in! Words can’t express how happy I am for you!
[Reply]
So when the kids get home you get to hear a different kind of screaming! And it will be better than a loved one’s sliced eyeball screams! Yay!
[Reply]
Sweet! You’d tweeted the time was drawing near last week…. suspense over!
[Reply]
i am breathing a sigh of relief in all directions.
[Reply]
Rock on, girlfriend - congrats on the reaching the matching stage. I hope Cowboy unkle’s eyes get better fast.
[Reply]
If it makes you feel ANY better, I did the very same thing and felt like just as big a schmuckhole as you did.
Blog or not, anyone who reads this stuff will know that you are a very grown up girl who has real, adult feelings and who is a KICK ASS MOTHER.
SO damn happy for you and your family! Love you. (Increasingly wide ass and ALL!)
[Reply]
I hope everything goes well with your friend’s eye and with the child matching stage. You must be a nervous wreck!
[Reply]
matching! woo hoo!
(and — i so hope his vision can be saved.)
[Reply]
“Life really does change in the blink of an eye. Sometimes it throws a chisel at you and other times it tosses a child.”
Perfect line! I’m sooooo happy for you! WOOOOOTTTT!!
[Reply]
You know ’shit happens’. Sometimes its a chisel in the eye…sometimes its a needy kid. Whatever it is, you are an inspiration for ‘whatever may be, may be’.
[Reply]
I say let them read the blog; the tender, maternal heart that beats beneath the nipple rings shines brightly through your words!
[Reply]
Yay! FANTASTIC news!
[Reply]
Congrats on moving to the next phase (retirement?)
Don’t feel bad… when my ankle was healing, my then four year old nephew asked me about my scar. I began to explain about the surgery, the plate, the screws in the bone, etc… until my sister cut me off because she saw the horror in her son’s face. I was all like, “What? He asked!”
[Reply]
Wow.
I love how the powers that be through you tragedies and triumphs in the same fell swoop!
Congratulations!
[Reply]
Oh, congrats on being approved! You’re going to be a great mommy to some very deserving little one.
And don’t worry about traumatizing the kids - you’re just preparing them for excellent careers as doctors by forcing them to get over being squeamish.
[Reply]
I really hope life throws more babies than chisels. Congratulations!
[Reply]
Congratulations! You are an amazing woman and mother, the child that comes into your family is so very lucky and blessed.
[Reply]
YAY on the adoption process…and mental hugs for you and the kids. Your new child will be as blessed as I see Frick, Frac and Bug to be.
[Reply]
Glad to hear his eye is saved
but OMFG!!!!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!
That’s awesome news.
xoxox
[Reply]
Okay, eye stuff?
AAAGGGHHH!
Baby stuff?
WWWWHHHOOOOO HOOOOOO!
[Reply]
I knew you would get approved. Knew it. What a wonderful news!!!! So happy
[Reply]
That last bit brought tears to my eyes. Great news for you, your family, and the new addition you will soon get.
[Reply]
FINALLY! Oh, T. I am so very happy for you guys.
[Reply]
Wow! Great new! Congratulations!!!
(But can you do me a favor? Can you stop talking about pus-filled eyeballs? Every time I read that I react like Frac.)
[Reply]
Oh my Gosh! that’s AWESOME!
[Reply]
CONGRATULATIONS! I’m so happy for you guys!!
[Reply]
Congratulations!!! (Nothing more needs to be sad.)
[Reply]
Congrats on the being in the child matching stage..that is great…
[Reply]
OH MY GOD!
I so just forgot all of the other stuff you wrote because all I can think about it how awesome that last part is. So I guess what I’m saying is that I’m a terrible reader.
[Reply]
WAHOOOOOO!!! Congrats to all, well not to Cowboy on potentially losing an eye but to you and your family
[Reply]
Congrats on the approval. Just dont forget to pick him or her up when they call.
[Reply]
Congratulations to you and yours. How exciting…
[Reply]
YAY!!!! i am So happy for you all - and the kids will get over that little shock
my mother still manages to do that to me and im 23 so it doesnt reflect badly!! anyway again i am so happy for you - jeez i have been reading your blog so long i feel happy for me!!
[Reply]
I’m soooo happy for you! Congratulations.
Don’t worry too much about telling them about the eye. Once their uncle recovers it will be the coolest story for them to tell everyone.
[Reply]
Wow, I don’t know where to start. Thank goodness about the eye but congrats on the adoption news, that is so, so wonderful.
[Reply]
Yay, eyeballs! YAY, BABIES!
Awesome, my friend. I am so freakin happy for you.
[Reply]
As Shannon (#7) so nicely put it, I’m “de-lurking” as well to say CONGRATS!
[Reply]
You never explained how the mystery chisel launched into the air to fly into Cowboy’s eye. Or did you? I am confused. That’s normal.
WHOO-HOO! Finally! Dang girl, I’ve been waiting for you to spread the word!;)
BTW, you are the ONLY blogger I read who writes long posts. EVER. I even skim Pioneer Woman, but not mah beloved Redneck Mommy!
Love ya!
[Reply]
So, so, so happy for your family. A new brother or sister should make up for some gaping eye-hole trauma, no?
Seriously happy for you guys. Mwah!
[Reply]
OHMYGOD!
My face is now stretched into what I can only remember being a “grin” and I am so pumped that I nearly wet myself (okay, so that’s more a common thing than I’d care to admit.).
HOLY SHIT YAY!
[Reply]
First..YAY!
Second….I hear ya on the hospital thing. My kids FREAK about hospitals now…after losing gramps and nana…they are places you go and never come out of.
[Reply]
Woo hoo!!!
[Reply]
Whoo, tits! A little baby Redneck! So excited for us, er, I mean, you, that you get to write about or, I mean, complete your family blah blah WHOO, TITS! So let it be written, because it is done.
[Reply]
I love your “tragically” long posts. No one else has a flair for detail like you.
Congrats on the approval and do wish Cowboy Bean and your family all the best!
[Reply]
You definitely know how to deliver the good news! I am so happy for you and your family! *Smiling*
[Reply]
Prayers to cowboy and his eyeball. You are a good friend, a great woman, and damn straight they approved you. No worries about the kids and the gore. Sometimes I forget mine are 5 and 7 until the look of horror on their faces reminds me that maybe I should sugar coat SOME THINGS.
Big slaps on the ass for the approval. Good Job Lady!!!!
[Reply]
Congratulations I know you have waited to be approved for what seems FOREVER - Congrats can’t wait to keep reading on what happens -
Cowboy is my prayers!
[Reply]
Best wishes for your brother in law and the adoption.
[Reply]
Congrats on the baby news! And best wishes for Cowboy’s eye.
[Reply]
YAY! to the eye being saved. And triple YIPPEE YAHOO! to the child matching stage. Oh honey, I am so happy for you! I bet you’re gonna want to bring them all home…..
[Reply]
Every once in a while I have to leave a comment– not just to prove that I am a blog stalker– but because I’m so overwhelmed to do so. This blog stalker is so happy for you and for your family and continues to look forward to reading all about it. Congratulations.
[Reply]
i’ve decided to delurk to tell you this:
i’ve been reading you for a few weeks now and i have to say, i am SO thrilled for you guys! congratulations!
and i am still thinking of cowboy’s eye. let us know!
:]
[Reply]
Wow! 2 blogs today, one has been trying to get pregnant, I go there and she is announcing she is pregnant!
Then I come over here, and the adoption call came through for you guys!
I am so happy for you guys, seriously. I hope the cowboy’s eye surgery was a success as well!
[Reply]
So Friggin off the hook cool! Congrats and best wishes forward! It is the dawn of a new redneck era.
[Reply]
I’m sitting here laughing and crying all at the same time.
Holy hell woman.
Congratulations.
[Reply]
Look what I miss when I’m away for a day!
Mazel Tov to you and your family the adoption approval and moving on to the next stage of the process. Woo Hoo!! And that’s great news about Cowboy Bean’s eye. My fingers are staying crossed for his continued recovery.
Don’t be too hard on yourself, we all say things we regret when we’re stressed and children are amazingly resilient and forgiving.
[Reply]
I’m so happy for you. And HAPPIER for the child your going to recieve. He or she will be so blessed. What a wonderful mother you are. And, I really think kids are better off with the truth. What you told them was the truth. So don’t sweat it.
[Reply]
YAY!!! For the approval, not the eye.
[Reply]
How exciting to get approved! Great for you!!!
I have just latched on to your blog and for the life of can’t stop reading. How moving is your story about your beautiful baby boy. Your writing is amazingly entertaining as nobody has been fed dinner and I am fighting my kids off both me and the computer with one arm. Thanks for the read, I am sure to be back!!
[Reply]
YAY!!!!! Finally!! There is one lucky kid out there!
[Reply]
Like everyone else - yay!!!
[Reply]
Sorry…first time post…lol…
Congrats! Good luck on the baby match…you so deserve another little one in her life.
Keep up the great posts, your blog is a highlight of my day.
[Reply]
Second post of yours I’ve read today, second post of yours I’ve read EVER. I do believe I’m hooked, and there’s so much I don’t know yet.
Big congratulations to you and your family, and I hope all goes well with the adoption. Oh, and the eye.
– Laurie
p.s. Never, EVER apologize for a long post when it’s as good as this.
[Reply]
Bummer on freaking the kids out, but YEA! on getting approved! =)
[Reply]
Woo hoo!!!! Congratulations!!!
[Reply]
Okay, I’m a little behind. Forgive me. What’s today?
Two things:
1) You’re only at #2704? Shit, woman, I at about 3,235,369.
2) Did you wipe your boogers on the wall in that corner above or below mine?
Seriously, you know I’m silly-crazy happy for you and I’m sayin’ prayers that you get matched soon, love.
[Reply]
Oh wow!! What extreme news. Congratulations T. You must be over the moon with excitement, moving forward with the adoption.
[Reply]
CONGRATULATIONS!!!! So happy for you!
[Reply]
So very happy for you all…
(not about the chisel part. oh no. no sirree.)
[Reply]
Congratulations on the baby matching stage and the approval!!Wooohooooo!
(And I’m hoping and praying Cowboy Bean makes a speedy and complete recovery).
[Reply]
Congratulations! Boy they made you sweat that one out long enough didn’t they?
I hope Cowboy Bean makes a full recovery.
[Reply]
Oh, Red! I’m so happy and excited for you. Congratulations, hon.
And totally grossed out about the eye. don’t you know that 30something bloggers can be traumatised, too? But you just can’t here the wails in cyberspace, where no one hears you scream.
[Reply]
Congratulations!
Your picture had some celebratory drinks with us at the bar last night.
[Reply]
Congrats and thoughts are still with Cowboy Bean. Hope both of you get good news real soon.
[Reply]
One Trackback
[...] Please. You really do need to read all the way to the end. [...]