Before my children were born, I used to pray every night they would be happy and healthy. I didn’t care what sex they were I just wanted healthy kids. I also prayed they would have my dad’s nose and possess a higher i.q. than either of their parents.
I wanted healthy, happy, brain surgeon, astrophysics geeky babies with a great nose.
Nothing like aiming for the moon. Well, Fric has my nose and Frac has his dad’s nose, but I do think Bug had his Grampa’s nose. I also believe he would have turned out to be smarter than Einstein, solved the global warming crisis, eradicated the common cold virus and cured cancer.
(So I’ve got him up on a teeny tiny pedestal. A broken pelvis, 7 hours of labour, six stitches in parts where no needle should ever be and the fact that I only got to kiss him for less than five years gives me this right. Work with me people.)
Now that my kids are getting older, I find myself wishing they weren’t so damn smart more often than not. There is just no pulling the wool over these kid’s eyes.
Like this weekend. Their dad was home for the long weekend and the kids were happily playing outside building a snow fort and shooting foam pellets at each other. We decided to make the best of the peaceful morning moments and get, er romantic with one another. Unbeknownst to us, Frac came into the house to get dry mittens. Do you see where this is going?
Thankfully, Boo had the foresight to close and lock our bedroom door before we got busy. While we were doing our thing Frac wandered over to our room to ask us a question. He stopped at the door, heard some interesting noises and decided he should wait. Clever boy. Boo and I happily finished and then got up to have some coffee.
When we went to the kitchen, Frac was in there with a questioning look on his face.
“What were you guys just doing?” he asked like the devil boy he really is.
Faced with this inquisition just after having my world rocked, my brains apparently decided to vacate their comfy home inside my head and ooze out of my ears. I looked at him, saw the intelligent light gleaming in his eyes and figured it would be better to fess up than tell him we were praying like I did last summer when he overheard us.
“Look Frac. We’re grown ups, we’re married, we love each other and we don’t have a lot of time together. We decided to make the most of it while you were supposed to be outside playing. You get what I’m saying?” I asked as I busied myself making coffee and his dad hid in the bathroom like the pansy ass he is.
“You were having sex.” It was a statement, yet it seemed like a challenge coming from the lips of my sweet, innocent ten-year-old.
“Ya,” I replied as my face lit on fire and I wished for the ground to swallow me whole.
“Eww,” he screeched and then he raced outside to go share the information that his parents were humping like a pair of horny rabbits with his sister. Because that’s what good siblings do. They share such useful tidbits with one another to later use as a form of torture against their parents. They’re a team like that.
“Well done, you twit,” Boo nuzzled against my neck when Frac was safely outside.
“What can I say? I panicked. He knew anyways. He’s a smart cookie. Thanks for all the back up you jack ass,” I replied as I pushed him away and went to check my email. Nothing like burying yourself into cyber space to pretend you aren’t mortified.
Fast forward a few days later and Boo was preparing to leave. It’s always as much fun as chewing a thorny cactus when he is getting ready to leave. Nobody wants to see him go, and he’s about as happy as a man getting a vasectomy done by a blind man. Since the kids were busy in their rooms, we decided to make the most of the last few moments of him being at home and get a last minute quickie in.
Reading that last sentence, I just realized we really are a pair of rabbits. Anyways.
Once again the door was locked and we got down to business. Except now our kids were on to us. Noticing the locked door, Fric decided to sneak up and see if she could hear us. This time we made sure to be really quiet. It was really very romantic. Not.
“Dad?” she called, “what are you guys doing?” Again with my demon spawn. Apparently they are here to make sure their parents never copulate in peace.
“Nothing,” he replied as he covered my mouth (isn’t he thoughtful?), “we’re just talking about the adoption in private. Now go clean your rooms, we’ll be out in a second.”
“Smooth,” I whispered as I adjusted my position.
Fric however, had other ideas. “Ewww!” she screamed and then went racing into the kitchen were her brother was waiting for an update. “They’re having SEX again!!!”
Boo and I giggled and got back to the job at hand. Minutes later (and it really was just minutes. Hard to concentrate when you know your kids are being permanently traumatized just feet away from you.) we got dressed again and wandered out of the bedroom, nonchalantly.
“You were having SEX,” they screeched in unison.
This time, I hid in the bathroom and waited for Boo to deal with it.
“Ya, so,” he growled. “Go clean up your room before I make you wash the toilets with your tongues.”
Not really the route I would have chose, but highly effective nonetheless. A few minutes later, when I deemed the coast was clear, I headed out to the laundry room to start putting my mounds of folded laundry away. Anything to avoid making eye contact with my children.
Fric and Frac were like two hungry lions circling in on a sick antelope. They could sense my weakness and decided to go for the jugular while their dad was outside checking the oil in his car. (Read: hiding like the school girl he is and waiting for me to clean up his mess.)
They approached me in a united fashion and waited for me to speak. You could tell they were waiting for me to deny what their father had said and redeem my purity in their eyes. I looked at them, and remembered when they couldn’t speak and were actually sweet kids, unlike the evil little toads they have morphed into. It was a do or die moment. One they would remember well into adulthood. I could feel the pressure of the moment build like my life depended on it.
Not one to buckle in times of great pressure, I took a deep breath and asked them:
“Would you guys like a kiss to make this all better?” as I waggled my eyebrows.
They ran screaming from the room and Fric yelled over her shoulder, “EWWWWWW! I don’t know where that mouth has been!”
Heh, heh. That’ll teach them I thought to myself as I continued to fold socks.
Either Boo and I are going to have to get smarter as they get older, or start meeting out in the bushes for our romance encounters.
Damn I wish they weren’t so smart. Or I wasn’t so stupid.
71 Comments
WOW. Boo totally threw you under the bus!
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Oh, my God in heaven. I. Would. Die. Kudos for telling the truth. I would have lied like a dog.
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Good tactic to make sure the door was locked.
Hey, the liddle boogers gotta learn about a healthy marriage somewhere, home is the best place.
But you know they will be telling everyone at school.
Bet you’re excited about the next PTA meeting, huh?
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The Champ tried to come in the room once on Mrs. Joe & I. Luckily he was only 5 and we were able to rush him back to bed.
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Usually my children wait to make these horrifying proclamations when I’m driving. Not good.
I cannot even THINK about my parents. (EWWWWEEE!)
My parents only had sex 5 times. Once for each sibling.
Actually, scratch that.
We were all left by the stork.
MUCH better.
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Oh, that’s BAD. You poor dear.
I haven’t dealt with that one YET, but I know it’s coming. Ew. “Coming.” Ew.
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*LMAO*
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Oh my GOD. Boo totally left you hanging. Wuss.
I used to hear my parents and it was so icky to contemplate I couldn’t even tease them about it. I just used to avoid their bedroom at all costs in case the cooties got on me, or something.
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That is Hillarious…but seriously, someday when your kids are all grown up they are going to know that their daddy and momma were wild for eachother and they are going to be so grateful. As gross as it may be for them now, they feel safe because they know you guys love eachother!
The first time I ever even saw my parents hug eachother I was 21 and home for Christmas break.
Geesh I am so serious.
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I’d rather hear them giggling and laughing over their parents “ewwwww, having SEX” …. then having them scared and crying because their parents were fighting.
Great post!
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Uhm- you do have to give Fric credit… who KNOWS where that mouth has been.
Must be different for only kids cause the last thing my monkey would ever think to do is acknowledge that her parents have S.E.X. She always acts like she doesn’t know what’s going on and avoids the locked door like the plague.
(She’s 11 and in the 7th grade so yes, I’m sure she does in fact know what’s going on.)
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Locked door is always a dead giveaway here too, and my kids are teens so they should know to leave us alone, but do they? It is now a game to see if they can interrupt us I swear it is.
We’re always plotting to take over the world, but they stopped believing that awhile back….so now we don’t lie, yes we had sex, don’t give us that look, how the hell do you think you got here? And one day you’re going to want to do that too….shuts them right up.
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Elly made a really good point…..as much as it grossed us out when we just KNEW my parents were going at it, yet again (damn, why did they have to have a waterbed?!) I know that I am one of the lucky ones….the ones who knew growing up how much their parents loved each other, even after seven kids, more than their fair share of rough patches and have now just celebrated their 34th wedding anniversary.
This is one of those times when the phrase “You’ll understand when you’re older” really comes in handy.
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Oh God, that’s funny!
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Can I tell you how happy I am that I have babies?
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I love you. I do. I’m starting a whole batch of saved posts so I can trot out answers once they get to that stage.
Of course, (my) B’s idea is that we’ll just wait until they’re asleep.
Which, with Rosey the Petitioning Head Member of the Never Never (Never) Sleep Club, means he’s…not so lucky these days.
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I remember when I was about eight and my parents were taking a lot of “naps” during the middle of the day. With the bedroom door locked. My sister was born several months later.
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I think it’s great that you were so candid with them! And I laughed my head off while I read this. I’ll never look at the Berenstein Bears the same way again.a
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Oh. my. GOD!
I’ll remember to always lock the door. And soundproof the room.
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Rolling. Absolutely rolling!
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Oh geez, I wonder how many people at the lunch tables at school they’ve told about this one.
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I have something for you at my place.
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HA HA HA HA HA HA.
give them a couple of years.
then it will be YOU avoiding the locked door like the plague.
ha ha ha ha ha ha.
:]
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HAHAAAAAA!
That’s the funniest blog post I think I’ve ever read. Congratulations. You made me flash back to the time I walked in on my parents.
EWWWWWW!
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That is the funniest thing I read in ages. I wish I was as cool!
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We’ve been caught twice. The first time we heard them coming and were rushing to get our clothes but thought we had a couple of minutes since the door was locked. Wrong! They busted in and ran out squealing and saying “they’re making another baby!”
The second time we tried for a quickie in the bathroom (nothing so romantic you know) and came out after hearing a noise. The oldest just looked at us and said “You were having S-E-X.” After being interrupted I was in no mood to play around so I snapped “no, we were cleaning the toilet…who forgot to wipe it up?!” Poor kid, I think I scared him.
Oh and mine are only 5 and 7. I thought we’d have more time before they caught on to us.
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I walked in on my parents. Quick as a flash, after asking what they were doing, Mum said ‘we were just swapping sides’
Wish I was as quick thinking the times we have been walked in on….. makes it even MORE uncomfortable when they are teens.
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I bet you had sex three times while I was trying to type this comment - you JACK RABBIT! So jealous.
Anyhow, this post made me blush on your behalf, and don’t you know sister-friend? They will always be smarter than us, just don’t let them know or we are all f*cked (but not in the way you wrote about).
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Hubby and I have decided our kids (16 girl & 7 boy) have “sex-alarms”. They could be anywhere in the house or outside and the minute we decide to “get romantic” they want something, need something or just want to be pains in the butt.
We call our time “mommy and daddy nap time”. I’ll never forget my 16 y/o’s face when I said we were going to take a nap and to watch her brother. He was probably 4 at the time so she was 13, she was mortified, don’t know what tipped her off that we weren’t “napping” but she refused to do it.
Jen
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You two are truly two of the most awesome (and funniest) parents I have ever met!
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My eldest is 14 now and when me and her dad kiss it totally grosses her out!
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HAHAHAHA!!! Yowza. That’s quite a tale. You have put the fear in me that my son will ever hear or (gasp!) witness his folks during business time. I guess we should put doors back on our rooms before he grows up…
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Sex? What is this “Sex” you speak of?
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good god, i love you.
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I am so dreading the day when my kids clue in.
But we still lock the door.
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“I don’t know where that mouth has been”…that’s awesome.
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I’m thinking honesty is not always the best policy–you are saving for therapy, right?
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Love this story! It’s been Blog Starred.
http://commentsareopen.blogspot.com/2008/02/birds-do-it-bees-do-it-but-precious.html
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Oh, I would have been mortified. And I would have lied. Like a rug.
The Husband and I have a fantastic story of my son walking in on us. I am always tempted to write about it on my blog, but my (extended) family reads it. And my husband would kill me. Let’s just say it was Christmas, and I was wearing only a bow, and had my head hanging backwards over the foot end of the bed. My husband froze, and I opened my eyes to see my son standing in our doorway. Not cool. Not cool at all.
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Okay, Mel wins.
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Never. Been. Walked. In. On. At least not that I know of.
I think you handled it just right though. Never underestimate the power of shock value.
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This took me back to the day I realized what was going on when I heard the loud pop of the lock on my parents’ bedroom door.
Only I was *ahem* 17 years old when I finally clued in.
I live in fear of the kids walking in.
Why?
Well, because there was this incident in college in which a boyfriend in I ran into my apartment during a rainstorm, realized that my roommate was gone, stripped off our clothes and got right to it on the living room floor.
The scene:
We were trying a new position that had me on top and facing the apartment’s front door.
“Oh my God,” boyfriend moaned.
“Oh my God,” I replied
“Oh my God!!!” screamed the roommate who had just walked in.
Argh.
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I once walked in on my parents in the midst of going down on each other. To this day I am not fond of the number 69, or the position.
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Oh gee…
A few weeks ago my daughter walked in when we thought she was alseep on the sofa downstairs and said plainly “what you doing guys?” to the wife and I.
I said we were doing push-ups….thank God she’s only 2.
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Perfect, perfect, perfect post. Thanks for the laught at 3:30 AM in the morning.
By the way, it could be worse. My brother, a teenager at the time, once walked in on my parents when they forgot to lock the door. Yep, there was my mother, blazingly nekkid, on top, glory be hallulejah! Yep, my very proper, very Mormon, very conservative Mom who we assumed had sex through a hole in the sheets. It turns out she is also a rabbit.
Better yet, I was watching America’s Top Model with the kids last night. So not my 11 year old son’s choice! There was a model who had been circumsized. Poor girl! My son asked what that was. I explained, in great detail to my eleven year old what a clitoris and labis are, what parts were removed and sewn together, that she could never have an orgasm again, that her period through a whole the size of a pea must be agony. The horror of female circumcision. Oh, did I mention the horror on his face? I guess I really didn’t need to go there. Way too much information.
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Hahahaha! Oh, funny, T, and good for you for telling the truth. I would have lied my ass off.
Trout walked in on us when she was about 3 or 4 or so, and since then we lock the door. We now make it a habit to lock the door quite a lot, actually, we tell the kids we are having Private Time to Talk About What We Are Going to Do That Day, and sometimes we don’t even have sex. I dread when they actually catch on.
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This is me being jealous of all the sex you’re having.
And this is me laughing at your way of handling the kiddos. LOVE IT!
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Oh. My. Life. That’s what I have to look forward to then. sigh. Glad my kids are still little and clueless.
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Oh my! lol We don’t have to deal with this one yet… You know…I guess you COULD have him *pretend * to leave and go park somewhere unnoticed or have him go on *walks* and sneak back into the house and you tell the kids you are taking a shower? lol and lock yourselves in there…lol.
Hmm…so, I need to start planning on this sort of thing, right? haha!
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I would like more information on any possible implied meaning to the phrase “the job at hand.” Ahem.
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I am dreading this moment!!! I can only hope we’ll handle it as well and you two did.
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and that is why my husband never gets any! well that and by the time i get these two into bed, i just want to sleep myself!
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So that explains the smirk on Big A’s face when HRH and I came strolling out the other morning.
Dammit. I KNEW it wasn’t the Sponge Bob commercial, as she claimed.
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We solve this by just not having sex. At least, not as far as I know (kidding).
Picked you up at Bossy today — your “shat like a fox” comment put me on the floor, right here at work.
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Yeah, I’d be grossed out too if I were Fric and Frac…but truthfully how freakin awesome is it that they have two parents that love each and enjoy one another so much.
I’m sure it’s quite different in many other households…
P.S…do it in the shower next time…it’s quieter
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We totally got busy in the bathroom last weekend because my mom and daughter were all over the house, and we just needed a little “release” before he left out of town again.
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EWWWW. And what is all this “sex” you speak of? Never heard of it.
BIG BIG props on the adoption green light!! Awesome news. Maybe you can adopt me.
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That was both hilarious and Scary! how can kids that young have any idea about sex? Or was I just sheltered as a child. I didn’t have a clue about sex until I was closer to 15!!!
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*snort* I love this. Dave would totally do the same — hide in the bathroom and make ME deal with it. He can’t even say ‘penis’ without turning four shades of red and giggling like a schoolgirl.
And - back the train up, girlfriend. Broken PELVIS? OUCH.
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This was the greatest sitcom show Bossy ever watched.
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i know…what are we thinking wishing our kids to be smart???!?!?
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HARR!!!!! that was hilarious!we have to do lots of manouvering around here.our door has no knob on the inside….so ,um,my 3 year old after sometimes knocking first sometimes just barging in will always shut the door when she exits our bedroom..and we use the having a nap excuse all the time ….
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You are hilarious. So sorry you have such smart kids.
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I have only considered this briefly about the future. I never thought long enough to realize it might be bad enough to drive one to DO LAUNDRY.
*shudders*
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Your my hero. Not only did I burst out laughing, now I know that in 8 years I won’t be alone.
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Thank goodness the door was locked!!!
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Baaaahahahahahahahahaha!
Funny.
Funny.
Funny.
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Bwahahahahahaha!
My parents used to have mid-Saturday afternoon “talks” with their door locked, too. We weren’t stupid, but we never asked what they were doing, because we really didn’t want them to say the word SEX!
Congrats on the adoption progress! So happy and smiley for you
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Must remember to get a door on my bedroom by the time kid is old enough to notice such things… And maybe a lock…
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As an baby/young toddler,my now 10 year old daughter would punish my late-husband and I for having the nerve to have sex by waking up mere seconds after we were finished. So much for the after-glo. I think she was trying to keep us from conceiving her sister, who we brought home from the hospital on daughter 1’s second birthday.
New hubby (never married, no kids of his own) is ultra paranoid about having sex while the girls are home but, oddly, has no qualms with sleeping sans underwear. A day last week, we had the popcorn-jones around 11:30. The girls go to bed at 8:30, are usually asleep by 10, so he was safe, right?
Luckily, he heard DD10 coming down the stairs and had time to sit down on the cold leather sofa and cover himself with a blanket.
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There is nothing like forgetting to lock the door and roll over to find a 5 year old looking at you! I lied! She’s 5, what did she know. From there on out, not only do we lock the door but shove a remote control under the door, just for good measure!
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