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Apparently, I Need a Hobby
The phone started ringing this morning before I had a chance to pour myself a cup of coffee. I always take that as a bad sign. It means either school is cancelled and God is laughing at me or I forgot to pay the credit card and now the stalkers bankers are looking to break my kneecaps to collect what is owed them.
Either way, an early morning phone call is not something I look forward to. Even if it does give me an excuse to use my throaty, sexy, husky voice first thing in the morning.
Luckily for me, it was my husband, calling to see how my night of getting farted on by Nixon, the World’s Greatest Dog, Ever. went.
Bring, Bring
“Hello?” I answered cautiously, not recognizing the number and fearful a pack of crowbar wielding bankers stood outside my front door waiting to bust my kneecaps.
“Hey love, how’s my doll face doing this morning?” Boo purred while the sounds of heavy machinery whirred in the background.
“I’d be better if I had a cup of coffee in my system and you didn’t make me run to answer the phone first thing in the morning,” I griped.
“Where are the kids? They could have answered it.”
“They’re getting ready for school. I think your daughter is blow-drying her hair, trying to get purdee for the boys and I don’t want to know what your son is doing in the shower by himself. But he’s been in there an awfully long time.” Yawn.
“That’s disgusting,” Boo groaned.
“Here I thought you’d be proud your little boy is turning into a man,” I snickered.
“Very funny. So what plans do you have for today?” he inquired.
“Trying to keep me on a short leash with a tight reign are you?” I asked in between gulps of coffee.
“No, I’m saving that for the bedroom, when I get home,” he purred.
“You’re a pig.”
“Thank you. You love it. You married me.”
“Only because I was knocked up and have rocks for brains.”
“My wounded ego,” he sighed and then barked some orders to some lackeys in the background in what sounded like Swahili to me.
“Well, I was thinking of vacuuming, changing the bed sheets and then getting on all fours and washing the floors with a scrub brush.”
“Look at you being all Miss Molly Homemaker. Now what are you really planning on doing?” Damn, he’s onto me. We’ve been married too freaking long. There is no pulling the wool over his beady little eyes.
“Probably just write on my blog and then troll the internets for entertainment until my ass grows numb and my eyes start to cross,” I answered truthfully.
“You really need a hobby other than blogging.”
“Well, I was thinking about going shopping. I’m thinking about buying some new houseplants.”
“I meant, a hobby other than spending money,” he countered.
“Oh. Then I guess it’s back to blogging the day away,” I said as I drained the last drops of my java from the cup.
“You could go to the gym you know. Get healthy. Build up your stamina for when I get home next week,” he offered. I could tell he was proud of himself for this suggestion. Arse.
“Ya. I could do that. But then my ass wouldn’t jiggle as much and to be honest, the jiggling keeps me company during the day. Makes me feel so not alone.”
“Very funny.”
“How’s those manboobs of yours doing?” I countered. Nothing like turning the tables on him.
“They’re filling out just fine, thank you. Listen, I’ve gotta go. Tell the kids I love them. Have a good day spending my money, love.”
“Thank you. Have a good day earning me some more money to spend. Internet service isn’t cheap out here, you know.”
Sigh. “Ya. Thanks for reminding me. Love ya.” And with that, he was gone and I was left to plan my day.
I love being a kept woman.
Now blogging or shopping? What’s a girl to do?
February 22nd, 2008 at 10:30 am
Now that’s a Merry F*cking Christmas!!
February 22nd, 2008 at 10:30 am
Wow, I guess you cleaned up for Christmas!
Color me jealous!
February 22nd, 2008 at 10:46 am
I the exact same conversation with my hubby!!!!
February 22nd, 2008 at 10:56 am
Ahh, love! LOL! He sounds like a funny guy!
February 22nd, 2008 at 11:00 am
Awesome Christmas present. I’ve been wanting a new laptop for months, but I’m married to a guy who thinks money should be saved. Ugh.
February 22nd, 2008 at 11:16 am
My husband says that same thing, “your should read blogs less and find something else to do, like call a friend.”
also, All Christmas morning pictures are never judged…we all know that everyone wakes up looking like a super model with hair and a fabulous outfit
February 22nd, 2008 at 11:20 am
The jiggling keeps you company? I almost pissed my damn pants!
February 22nd, 2008 at 12:23 pm
I am so jellis of your precioussssss
February 22nd, 2008 at 12:38 pm
I normally have a night a being farted on too! My boston has perfected the art of a dutch oven. Lucky me.
Man boobs is the greatest word ever. I think everyone should find ways to use it in everyday conversation.
February 22nd, 2008 at 1:18 pm
My jiggling gives me orgasms on the treadmill.
No need to get rid of that anytime soon, right?
February 22nd, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Uhmmm, where can I get a treadmill like moosh’s?
February 22nd, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Ohh, you have the fancy MacBook. I only have the base model.
And last time I checked, you can blog and internet shop at the same time. Tabbing, baby. It’s a beautiful thing.
February 22nd, 2008 at 3:03 pm
That is a fabulous Christmas morning picture. I want to airbrush myself out of home video on Christmas morning, I’m that much of a donkey in the morning. Ugh.
February 22nd, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Blogging is not a hobby. It is an addiction. And by the looks of that fab laptop he is your pusher.
So he can’t complain.
I spent the night with Boo farting on me and haven’t had my coffee yet either…..
February 22nd, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Bring, Bring. HA!HA! I don’t know why, but I found that super-duper funny.
February 22nd, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Best. Gift. Ever.
February 22nd, 2008 at 5:04 pm
sweeeeeet! That’s an awesome gift. And I think you look like Santa stayed up a bit too early in the morning the night before, in other words exactly the way all parents are supposed to look on Christmas morning. The look of delight on your face is just perfect.
February 22nd, 2008 at 5:54 pm
I think I love Boo.
February 22nd, 2008 at 6:18 pm
p.s. not to take you away from your important work or anything, but I tagged you for a meme at my place. enjoy.
February 22nd, 2008 at 6:25 pm
My sugardaddy, I mean husband, just bought me my own laptop two weeks ago. I have been reduced to a lump on the couch and my children have adapted quickly to just tossing me bits as they fix their own meals. One rather inconvenient hitch… payment. That would be sex. Regularly. Or there goes the laptop! Addiction is a tough gig…. I joke… sort of…
February 22nd, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Ms. Mommy, you’re an absolute delight. I’m not kidding. I log on, sip my coffee…only to spray it out my nose, all over my keyboard and monitor.
Good on you, woman! Good on you!!
February 22nd, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Yeah, I spend more time loving my new laptop (that my AUNT got me) than my husband
I think he’s jealous, but I haven’t really heard what he’s been sayin because I’ve been trying to focus on the blogs I’m reading.
February 22nd, 2008 at 7:46 pm
Ooh … looks like he knows how to shop too!!
February 22nd, 2008 at 8:25 pm
In that first shot you and Frac have the same expression. That’s too cute.
February 22nd, 2008 at 9:00 pm
That’s one hot bed-headed man-robed happy lady there.
February 22nd, 2008 at 9:25 pm
love the gift and the disguise.
February 23rd, 2008 at 5:12 am
Think of all the gas money you save by not going to the gym. Truthfully, I think that’s very considerate of you. Boo should be far more appreciative of your selfless act.
February 23rd, 2008 at 7:45 am
Look at how cute it is in that first laptop pic that you and your son have the exact same expression.
February 23rd, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Bingo on the husband feeding the addiction! My Sperm Donor got me the same thing for Valentine’s Day! After a long run with PC’s, I’m not a Mac person. Yay!
February 23rd, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Me again! When you get the chance, please stop by Real World Mom–there’s an award waiting there for you!
February 23rd, 2008 at 4:21 pm
LMAO!!!!! My husband would laugh himself silly if I said I was going to get on my knees to do anything…..wait, that didn’t come out right.
Hope you had fun blogging and spending money.
February 23rd, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Blogging OR shopping? Silly girl….BOTH!
February 23rd, 2008 at 8:29 pm
Awesome. And I love Nixon, hangin’ out behind you on the couch right where he belongs!
February 24th, 2008 at 1:59 am
Awe..I love your courage..you are who you are…and it will never shake or change you….your confidence will keep you laughing and kicking through life. What a funny blog. This is my first evening back to the living..and you were my second look….so funny,
hugs…
Dorothy from grammology
remember to call gram
February 24th, 2008 at 11:04 am
well, apparently…we are all in the same boat. hubby wants me to find a hobby…other than blogging. but, all the hobbies i can think of, they cost money. even a gym membership…which, we pay for, monthly…and, i’ve YET to use!!
my butt has gone numb and now!
February 24th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Hobbies??? There is no time for hobbies outside of Internet-time and spending money… Silly.
February 24th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
I liked your last two posts. They were funny.
But not as funny as what a group of us were doing with your picture last night!
February 24th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Nope. Not jealous at all.
February 24th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
I want a new laptop. My husband (wife) said I could have one for my birthday. I’m a kept man (oh, and how I work it!)
February 24th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
Between the fits of laughter, I found myself thinking that I am so glad you two have each other.
February 24th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
A hobby other then blogging huh? I found one of those, it’s called school and it’s painful I tell you, painful. No blogging… no nothing, to many assignments. Bah!
And wasn’t he feeding your blogging habits with that Chirstmas present anyway?? Silly boy.
And congrats on the adoption hun, I’m so happy for all of you, you more then deserve all the little ones you want.
February 25th, 2008 at 10:33 am
I always luv a little man-boob humor! Way 2 turn the tables! lol!
February 26th, 2008 at 4:53 am
Hello, I’ve just found your blog via Magneto Bold because nobody who makes a comment like that about their Diva Cup (or their toot-toot) should be ignored.
Reading this it’s clear you have similar conversations with your husband to the ones I do… I’m a kept woman, too who also spends far too much time reading blogs, writing blogs and also writing a crap book which will never be published but which I still can’t somehow bring myself to stop working on… instead of housework or cooking meals or um… much.
BTW, Man boobs are called “Moobs” over here in Blighty.
Hmm… I should have e-mailed this to you, really, shouldn’t I?
BTW, I see you have a nose ring. When you have a cold, does it ooze out of the hole? Sorry, I’ve always wanted to ask a nose ring wearer this question and you’re far enough away not to hit me so I felt I could.
Cheers
BC
February 27th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Yeeeah…my dh told my therapist that I need a hobby.
Hmmmm
Does he KNOW what I do online all day?
Why doesn’t blogging count?
Could drinking be a hobby?