Subscribe in a Reader
Nightmare on Redneck Road
I have a dream.
Oh wait. I’m not Dr. King.
I had a dream. And it wasn’t a pleasant dream. This isn’t particularly unusual for me. I tend to have nightmares regularly since my son flew the coop. But last night’s dream was worse. It was so vivid and clear. I woke up disoriented and sweaty and I had trouble separating my dream from reality.
That’ll teach me to watch American Idol and munch on garlic sausage right before going to bed.
In my dream, my husband was out of town and went bar hopping with his best friend. They do this every now and then. This doesn’t bother me, for several reasons. First off, most of the women working up north tend to be more manly than my husband and waaaay hairier. Secondly, most women up there tend not to have all their teeth.
Boo always said he married me for my pearly whites. He’s not fond of the toothless look. All though, I often tease him about toothless women giving good gummers. What more could a man want?
Heh heh.
I trust my husband. I’ve spent many years instilling a deep and abiding fear of what would happen if he ever strayed from our marital vows. He’s apparently attached to his man parts and would like to keep them attached. If you get my meaning.
I also trust his best friend. He’s a good guy. And he knows if he ever encouraged Boo to stray or act inappropriately while away from his family I would think nothing of ripping off his limbs, beating him with them and them cramming them down his throat.
Funny how a guy over six feet tall, solid muscle and intelligent kinda whimpers and flinches when ever I make any sudden moves around him. Pansy ass.
But in my dream, Boo was out trolling for chicks. He was unaware that I was there, stalking his arse watching his every move. I watched him drink beer from a long neck bottle and watched his adam’s apple bob up and down.
I watched as his friend twirled a short, stumpy broad in a pink sweater with humongous boobs across the floor.
I watched everything.
And then I woke up in a sweaty panic.
Because I was unable to elbow Boo in the ribs to get him to wake up and comfort me while I bury my nose in the rug of fur he sports on his chest, I did the next best thing.
I called him. It only took six tries before he finally heard the ringing of his cell phone in his sleep and groggily answered the phone.
“What? What’sa matter? It’s three in the morning for crying out loud,” he half groaned, half growled.
“I had a bad dream,” I whispered.
“Are the kids are okay?” he asked while stifling a huge yawn.
“I have no idea. A plague of rabid frogs could be gnawing at their toes right now and I couldn’t bring myself to care. You’re not listening. I. Had. A. Bad. Dream.” I repeated.
“You always have bad dreams. Tell Bug to leave you alone and go back to bed. I have to get up in two hours,” he complained.
“It wasn’t about Bug. My dream was about you.” The hazy fog of my nightmare still clung to me and tugged at my soul.
“I’m alright. Nothing bad is going to happen to me,” he assured me. At this point he would have said anything to get me the hell off the phone so he could go back to sleep.
“No, no. That’s not what my dream was about. You were at the bar with your buddy-”
He interrupted me and said, “I didn’t go out last night. And even if I do go out, you know I’m just keeping my buddy on a leash and trying to keep him out of trouble.”
“I know. Quit interrupting. That’s not why I had a nightmare.” I was getting annoyed now.
“Then spit it out for pete’s sake woman. Some of us have to WORK in the morning.” He was getting feisty.
“I dreamt I was spying on you at a bar and you were trying to hit on two women.” The dream was coming back in full force now. I shuddered and nuzzled my dog to make it go away.
“I’m not going to hit on any woman. Let alone two of them. I can barely keep up with you. Why bring more into the mix?” He reassured me.
“No, no. That’s not what upset me. What upset me was just how lousy you were at trying to hit on them. You were like the creepy guy at the bar who just couldn’t take no for an answer. The chicks you were hitting on were obviously lesbians and yet you wouldn’t leave them alone. I was so embarrassed for you.”
“Nice, Tanis. Well, don’t worry about it, I’m not hitting on any women, let alone a pair of lesbian lovers.”
“I KNOW that. But in my dream all of a sudden everyone turned around and looked at me and started to point and laugh at what a clumsy loser my husband is. It was mortifying. You were such a geek.” I squeezed my eyes shut to erase the mental image of my husband leering like a pubescent teenager at two women. I kept seeing him following them around like a puppy dog while everyone in the bar mocked him behind his back and looked at me like I was a loser for marrying him.
“Gee, thanks. You’re twisted and I’m tired. Quit dreaming about lesbians unless you and them are naked and I’m involved. I’m going back to bed,” he yawned.
“Fine. But if you go out this week, don’t forget to tuck in your shirt, wear clean pants and try not to drool. I will not be married to the loser at the bar. Try and at least pretend you’re cool. And if a woman-”
“Good night, T. I love you too,” he interrupted.
“-If a woman shoots you down, take it like a man. Don’t start to cry like someone kicked your puppy.” I rushed to add.
“What did I do to deserve you?” Boo asked before hanging up.
I don’t know, honey. But I’m glad you found me.
Heh heh.
March 7th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
He he. Heaven forbid we end up married to someone who isn’t totally cool. Oh, the horrors!!! Great post, T!
~Brea in Texas
March 7th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
I’d be mortified if SB was a lousy pick-up dude. But I’d also be mortified if he even tried. You crack me up woman.
March 7th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
I love that you woke him up in the middle of the night to give him tips on how to pick up other women. He’s a lucky man!
March 7th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
You are nicer than I am, usually if I dream about my husband in a bar hitting on women I wake up and beat the batshit out of him.
He’s lucky he’s got you.
Jen
March 7th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
LMAO. My man is a loser.
I don’t care - he’s mine.
And if he ever met another bitch that liked his loser ass too during the course of our marriage - he’d be a dickless loser.
I’m just sayin’…
March 7th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
That is a gorgeous picture of you.
And love that you were schoolin’ you’re guy on how not to be a loser at the bar…rather then worrying about the other things he might do. Priceless!
March 7th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Crap, I meant “your” guy …not you’re.
March 7th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Hi there, I found your blog through a friend’s blog and I find it absolutely hilarious, poignant and really well written!
Great post. I guess I would rather my hub be crappy at picking up chicks than good at it!
March 7th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Oh, honey, you are too too funny. No losers, indeed.
March 7th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
You rock. Thats all I can say- Oh and I want to be you when I grow up
March 7th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
I am all about MPS keeping up my image of uber cool chick. If he doesn’t behave he doesn’t get to leave the house.
First thing out of my mouth as we leave is ‘Behave yourself and don’t speak unless spoken to’ Bwwwwww haaaaa haaaaaaaaa
Not like he listens but I like to think I have his arse in a sling.
And there will be no hitting on toothless girls……. that is just too embarrassing.
March 7th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Rhino is lousy at the flirting and such. I’ve seen it in action many a time and it’s cringe worthy. Loved the post
March 7th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
First: GARLIC SAUSAGE????? blech.
HA! You’re so frickin funny. Tell Boo not to worry, though — Clive’s wit me.
Second: My husband LOVES when I take out my teeth, like, when we do it.
March 7th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
HaHa! Anytime I had a dream about my husband trying to pick up another girl with someone else it makes me wake up in the pissiest (is that a word?) mood. I just want to smack the crap outta him. Usually it was because he was acting like I wasn’t even there. Haven’t had a dream like that in quite a while, now watch I’ll have one tonight.
March 7th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
My husband would suck at picking up random women in a bar so no worries for me there. I worry more about all the women who find him irresistible because he’s such a niiiice guy. That’s more dangerous.
March 7th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
You are so funny. So. freakin. funny. Next time the huz is in town you should go to the bar and give him pointers. The toothless lesbians won’t know what hit ‘em.
March 7th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
My husband also has seriously atrophied lady catching skills now, which is quite the consolation.
Weirdly enough, I had nightmares starring MY husband last night, too. Must be a moon phase or something.
March 7th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
I love coming in to catch up, I never know what I’m going to find. You are kick ass RM.
March 7th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
You’re funny! Your garlic sausage comment reminded me of my late-night guilty pleasure … garlic roasted green peas. Guaranteed to bring on weird dreams tonight for sure!
March 7th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Boo would never cheat on you, gorgeous!
But I know about those stinkin’ dreams that seem so REAL! And then you walk around all day mad at your husband for something he did in your subconscious . . . yeah, I’ve had those too.
March 8th, 2008 at 6:27 am
Heh. Funny lady.
I never dream that my guy is trying to pick up women but at least weekly I dream that he dies …. shit what does that say about me?!
March 8th, 2008 at 6:59 am
Dude, this could be a real-life scenario for me. I can just picture Dave trying to hit up chicks at a bar, trying to come on all suave and smooth by telling them about his bowling alley.
“Hey baby, lemmie show you a thing or two over at Dave’s Balls.”
Yeah.
March 8th, 2008 at 9:02 am
Once my husband has a few rum and cokes, no girl would come near him and his annoying hiccups.
March 8th, 2008 at 9:09 am
I’ve had a similar nightmare about my husband being the scuzzy guy at the bar. It is quite frightening.
March 8th, 2008 at 10:29 am
LMAO! I LOVE it!! You are GOOD, Woman!
March 8th, 2008 at 11:06 am
Damn, woman, you look like Grace Kelly in that picture!
Anyhoo. That was hysterical. As usual.
March 8th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Last weekend I dreamed about my boyfriend Friday and Saturday night. Friday night I had kinky sex dreams and Saturday night I had a dream that he cheated on me. WTF!
March 8th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
This is all more proof that you gals think way too much…even in your dreams.
And I may have to make a trip waaaay up north to try one of those GUMMERS.
March 8th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
I don’t think picking women up is like riding a bicycle: if you don’t use it, you lose it.
March 8th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
I just love that you call him in the middle of the night to tell him. Did you really? REALLY? gawd i love you.
March 8th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
There could be a meaning for this dream. I suppose… I might look it up for you.
March 9th, 2008 at 5:24 am
Seriously, I just spewed coffee out of my nose. That’s freaking hysterical, and could SO easily be a conversation in my world.
March 9th, 2008 at 7:08 am
First - beautiful pic of you and your chompers
Second - Long married men, once they leave the marriage and are forced to find new loves, have no pick up skills. Trust me on this one - I am the victim of their machinations.
March 9th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Do you ever get mad at your Boo when you’re watching a movie and the guy in the movie cheats? I do. I’m crazy like that.
March 9th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
At our house, we have “Evil Dream Kyle”. At least once a month I have a dream about him cheating on me. I actually hit and kick him in my sleep. I think the poor guy would rather be awakened by a phone call than my knee in his kidneys.
March 10th, 2008 at 4:38 am
You should make a how-to video. That way if you leave this blessed earth before he does, he will be able to honor your memory properly by not making a bloody fool out of himself at the bar! LOL
March 10th, 2008 at 5:53 am
you may have pearly whites, but i wear a mouthguard to keep my pearly whites from being ground down to nothing — now THAT is sexay!
(nice dream btw, eek.)
March 10th, 2008 at 6:24 am
hee hee. I have dreams like this every once in a while. Nothing beats ragging the lover for a dream you had! heh.
March 10th, 2008 at 9:37 am
I’VE HAD THE SAME DAMN DREAM! AND HAVE WOKEN UP MAD, TOO.
Damn, we’re, like, sisters or something. I always wanted a sister…
March 10th, 2008 at 10:15 am
My wife, whose dreams have to be toned DOWN to make Stephen King stories, or slasher movies, or Dexter themes, has dreams that put ME into a bad light.
Women have very fertile imaginations, self sprouting to be exact.
So when she wakes up and says she had a bad night, she had bad dreams, I HAVE to soothe her a bit, or else I will not wake up the next day if she suspects that my lack of reassurances are reason that her dreams are in NO way a reflection of me and my life.
My first wife had bad dreams also, snake dreams, waking up screaming at the top of her lungs, fire in her eyes, and generally these happened in motels as we were traveling, great, wake up the entire west wing, third floor of the Holiday Inn.
What is with women, its bad enough if they cant find their “G” spot, but for crying out loud, these dreams have to stop. , you need to find your “happy” button.
No wonder men die before women, its the fear of retaliation, its easier to just say F’ it, and die. LOL
Men dont have dreams, they have fantasy’s, women dont have fantasies, they have nightmares.
Sleep tight Tanis, dont let the bed bugs bite!
March 10th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
Oh shit shit shit. Wait, did I miss the post where you told everyone you won a Bloggie? Well congratulations. Yay.
March 11th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
Please tell me you’ve had braces and all sorts of painful dental work and that you weren’t born with those gorgeous teeth.
Because if you were, I — former wearer of the geeky orthodontic headgear — and obligated to resent you!
Beautiful pic.
And I love the way you have not only your spouse trained and fearful, but his friends as well!
March 13th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
I always have vivid dreams and every so often they involve my husband, cheating, sex, tears, retribution, old boy friends, old girl friends or some sort of combo of the above. On more than one occasion I’ve awoken to be absolutely furious with something he did in my dream world. I think on one occasion I didn’t speak to him for the entire morning I was still so angry.
Poor guy!