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Snooping Has It’s Own Rewards
I have written before how toilet training wreaks havoc on a parent’s soul and challenges a grown up like no other singular parental event except for maybe finding out your 14 year old child not only stole your car but fornicated with the neigbour’s 13 year old and then dealt weed to their hoodlum friends out of the back seat .
Not that I’d know anything about that. Or am basing that sentence on any particular family member. *Cough, cough*Cousin*Cough, cough.*
But while remembering the time my son tried finger painting the walls with his own poo and then licked the tasty goo off his wee fingers, I forgot about yet another parental challenge that can easily turn the most civilized, adept parent into a whacked out blob of despair.
That would be the challenge of the babysitter. The trouble of finding a good one. Or rather, when you paid exorbitant amounts for tickets to a concert you had to beg your husband to attend, (and by beg I mean get really bendy in the bedroom), booked the sitter weeks in advance, bought a new outfit, had your hair cut and colored for the first time since you squeezed a small person out of your pink parts and even took the time to shave your bush legs in the hopes of a romantic interlude in the backseat of your minivan in the last row of the parking lot while trying to recapture your fleeting youth with the man you promised to wake up to every damn morning for the rest of your life.
ONLY to get a phone call an hour before departure time to find out your sitter is bagging out on you because that really cute boy in grade 12 finally noticed me and asked me out and he has really cool tattoos and his own truck and I think he may be the one and I’m really sorry but I’ll totally make it up to you next time if I’m not knocked up with his love child or stuck in a nunnery which is a real possibility if my dad ever finds out I’m going out with a boy who has a shiny silver hoop stuck through the base of his love nuts.
Ya. That type of babysitting challenge. Thank heavens I live in the sticks and refuse to leave my house make contact with the outside world thereby relying on fruitcakes known as teenaged babysitters.
So when my best friend called in a panic and in desperate need of a sitter, I did what any loving and generous best friend would do. I told her to call her inlaws. Then I offered her my inlaws. Any damn thing to have to avoid sitting for three children under the age of three, for an entire evening.
When my loving and gentle best friend snarled and put the fear of God into me gently reminded me of all the times she stepped in and saved my arse, there was nothing I could do but face the fact I was bound to be watching a lot of Disney movies for the next eight hours while wiping a lot of shitty asses.
After seeing my friends off (while silently hoping they would miss their children so much they would cut the evening short and rush back) and wishing them a good time, I looked around and found six beady little eyes staring back at me. Like little jackals circling in for the kill.
Time for nap, I thought to myself, even though I knew they just got up from a nap. Oh well, they’d be well rested for all that waking up in the middle of the night they like to do, I thought to myself. I’m such a considerate friend.
After getting a crash course in what it’s like to parent small people who do more than drool and play with spoons, I remembered why it is I want to parent a handicapped child and not adopt a healthy child.
Handicapped kids don’t unravel whole rolls of toilet paper and giggle like little mad men when I cuss at them while I stoop over to wind it back up as their siblings use this time to get into mom’s makeup and paint the walls with it.
Handicapped kids don’t throw spaghetti on the floor at supper time while demanding chocolate pudding and then shriek (with a shrill voice louder than an air horn and twice as annoying) about how life is not fair and how I suck.
Handicapped kids don’t insist on endless amounts piggy back rides while they slowly choke the life out of you by crushing your windpipe and try to rip off your ears at the same time.
Ya. I suddenly remembered why I love handicapped kids so much.
When I had my fill of being abused by demons who resemble little people playing the favorite aunty, I drugged the little buggers with Gravol sent them to bed.
I’m kidding. I would never administer medication to make children sleep like the dead.
He he.
But with hours still stretched out before my friends would arrive to set me free and hand back my sanity I had to figure out something to do. I had no computer and their television satellite wasn’t working. I could either watch Dora the Explorer over and over again, or I could snoop.
Guess what I chose to do?
Since this is my best friend, and I happen to know just how kinky she is, I knew what drawers to avoid. I do not need to have the mental image of padded handcuffs and an extra large sized bottle of lube in my head when I think of her.
So I sat down in her office and started pulling out photo albums. And laughed my ass off. Boy have I had some bad haircuts through the years.
Just as I was flipping through the pages of the umpteenth album, a photo caught my eye.
It was my Bug. Waving hello. In a photo I had never before seen. My breath caught in my chest and I just sat there dumbfounded. Time literally stood still and I could hear the rush of my blood humming through my body. As I started flipping through more pages, I found even more little nuggets of heaven to remind me of my life as Bug’s mom.
There is very little I have left of my son. He never told me he loved me with his words. I don’t know what his favorite colour might have been. There was so much left unsaid when he passed. So much to learn about him. The only thing I really have of him now, the only thing to remind me he actually existed and wasn’t a pleasant figment of my imagination, are photographs.
Well, those and the stretch marks on my boobs. They’re a such a lovely reminder of engorged milk sacs and the time of being hooked up to a pumping machine like my husband’s favorite Jersey cow, Beauty.
I prefer the pictures.
The moments of discovering those photos were almost as good as the dreams where I can smell and feel and hear my son. It was a gift. A gift for a family that has for too long missed a little boy who filled our hearts with laughter, love and a whole lot of spittle.
Hell, for gifts like this, I’ll babysit any damn day.
Just remind me to buy a bigger bottle of Gravol.
March 10th, 2008 at 10:07 am
Aw, these pictures are so sweet. What a beautiful post. And what an unexpected gift, to find little Bug waiting for you in those photo albums.
He really got out of the carseat while you were already being pulled over? Niiiiice.
March 10th, 2008 at 10:21 am
I love your lovely Bug.
March 10th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Touching, and yes, just as you pass on his life with us that read your blog, at times, you find comfort in small things like snooping.
Now, how do you tell your friend that you “found” the pics?
LOL
March 10th, 2008 at 10:31 am
What sweet pictures. But I have to wonder, is dying our hair an ugly shade of brown something that ALL new moms go through? A sort of post-traumatic-stress-induced insanity? Hmm.
March 10th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Dammit, now I’m leaking again. Good post.
March 10th, 2008 at 10:37 am
Oh, how I do love to see pictures of Bug. Well, of your other kids, too, because they are crazy. Dammit, if I didn’t feel my uterus jump. I need to get that fixed, because the hubby put the “Closed for Business” sign up.
Just curious, is your husband an international spy? Is this why we can’t ever see his eyes? Or is that just how he looks normally?
March 10th, 2008 at 11:01 am
What a thing to find. It’s amazing, your ability to write about him the way you do, you let us know him as well as we can. Thank you for that.
March 10th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Totally worth taking care of the rugrats for an entire week IMO. What a beautiful, wonderful, awesometastic treasure to find while snooping (I was always just happy if I’d trip upon the porn collection).
And yes T, Bug will always have your back.
March 10th, 2008 at 11:06 am
Sigh. First the laugh out loud “trained seal,” and then the tears.
Aw, that sweet bug.
March 10th, 2008 at 11:07 am
You were just announced at a 2008 Bloggies award winner at SXSW for Best Canadian Weblog! Congratulations!
March 10th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Woot! Woot!!
Rock on Girl!! Congratulations on the Bloggie!!! Just heard. So happy for you. Well deserved!!
March 10th, 2008 at 11:08 am
Dammit, you made me grab for the Kleenex again.
Great post, beautiful pictures - I absolutely adore the last one.
March 10th, 2008 at 11:10 am
See? Snooping is a good thing.
March 10th, 2008 at 11:14 am
I love how happy you all looked together in that last photo. The smile on your face says it all–surrounded by the people you love the most.
A great reminder for what makes me the happiest too.
March 10th, 2008 at 11:14 am
Snooping is great. What a splendid little guy… although I bet you didn’t think him quite so splendid when you had to buy that new car seat! I dunno whether to laugh or cry after reading that.
Cheers
BC
March 10th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Yeah, no more brown m’kay? He must have been a really good kid to love you even with that hair.
*wink*
And congrats on your Bloggie! I just heard and had to come over. You rock, sister friend!
March 10th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Congratulations on the Canadian Blogger Award. This post is a perfect example why you won. Outstanding.
March 10th, 2008 at 11:35 am
Ooh boy… is it me, or did it suddenly get all dusty in here?
Beautiful post, T.
March 10th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
I love you. I wish I was as brave with the general public as you are. I had my mom read some and she said, I would have never thought there’d be someone with your morbid sense of humor. Again, again, I love you.
March 10th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Congrats on the Bloggie win!
==
I can only hope you’re joking about the Gravol, but the rest of the story was touching.
March 10th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
First I was laughing so hard and then you had me wanting to cry by the end.
March 10th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
[…] This blog did. […]
March 10th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Like Penelope said, I was laughing and then you got me. You’re evil in such a good way.
Bug was so lucky to have you.
March 10th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
What a sweet post for a sweet boy. You were lucky to have each other.
March 10th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
How do you make me laugh and cry in the same post?
I’m glad you found those photos of your sweet little guy.
March 10th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
You sure do know how to make a momma smile and cry at the same time. Your angel is adorable. My father passed away when I was 16 (not suggesting that even compares to losing a child) and he didn’t like having his photo taken so there are next to no pictures of him. If I came across a gift like that it would mean SO much!
March 10th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
So, so sweet. He is adorable, T, just an amazing little boy, and you all look so so happy in that last picture. Thanks for sharing him with us.
(and congrats on the bloggie)
March 10th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
What a sweet little peanut. I love how he always seems to be connected to you u the camera.
I lost my dad a few years ago, and once in a while I will stumble across something of his (or smell Zest soap) and completely zone out with memories. It is such a heartwarming experience, yet absolutely heart wrenching too.
March 10th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
So sweet. I am so glad you found those and that you shared with us. Thanks.
March 10th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
he is so beautiful. as are you, mother love. so very.
March 10th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
T, this is lovely. I’m both sorry adn glad you have those moments now and then. Even if you have to babysit to get them. And hey, um, wanna come over some time? I just have a few errands to run…
March 10th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Precious boy, they say that sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven, looking after other peoples’ kids is SO a sacrifice! Those pictures are definitely a blessing. Did you get to take them home and sleep with them under your pillow?
March 10th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Wow, this is why I keep coming back here, laughing my ass off one minute and crying my eyes out the next, thanks for sharing the beautiful pictures if your beautiful son.
March 10th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
ah, T, the tears are free-flowing down my face. i love those photos, and think i understand the magic of them, the sheer gift of just…finding them, more of him, more of you all, together.
i envy you that, you know? in the very best way. and i rejoice that they were there.
March 10th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Yup, I’m crying too. Bug was such a beautiful child. I feel like I know him a little bit through your words & pictures. I miss my Jelly Bean too, and Cole, who didn’t have a nickname. I don’t have enough pictures of them. Thanks for this post.
March 10th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
So sweet. You are wonderful to share them.
March 10th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Just loving you from way down here, friend.
xo.
March 10th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
You rock.
March 10th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
You always bring tears to my eyes when you speak of your bug…. And, you’ve made me fall in love with him, you know. I so wish he were still with you (physically, that is — he’s always with you spiritually… — you can tell). He’s such a big part of you, still.
Amazing though, that in one post you can bring tears to my eyes AND so many chuckles, HILARIOUS WOMAN! I can’t believe that COUGH COUGH COUSIN COUGH of yours — you should really take something for that!
March 10th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
The way you manage to be so funny in the midst of your sorrow is a true talent.
March 10th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
What a great gift, indeed! Maybe other friends or family members have pics you’ve never seen before? How wonderful to find *new* pics of your beloved Bug.
March 10th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Beautiful son, beautiful mommy, beautiful post!
March 10th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
I said it before and I’ll say it again, he is one of the most gorgeous children I have seen in my entire life. I’m glad I got to see those pictures. They made me smile today.
March 10th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
oh what a precious little boy your bug was .you must have been so pleasantly surprised even though a little sad to find pics of him that you had never seen before…
March 10th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
Beautiful post, beautiful photos, beautiful you.
Congrats on the bloggie award too!
March 10th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
Damn you!
Wiping tears.
Now I’m going upstairs to kiss my sleeping kids.
March 10th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
That last line? Broke my heart.
It’s all very familiar (Except for the whole “Toilet” part. I am still living in a la-la fairy land where people don’t really have bowel movements and excrement is really just a vast, right-winged conspiracy.)
Love your guts.
March 11th, 2008 at 12:00 am
You, the brunette in a sea of blondes, are the best mom in the world.
Thanks again for the sniffles.
March 11th, 2008 at 1:59 am
Oh babe. He is so beautiful. Every time I see that face I swoon.
And a little tip, handicapped kids DO do that sorta shit, just a little later and a hell of a lot LONGER.
And I just wanted you to know that you put a little sunshine in my life the other day.
March 11th, 2008 at 3:08 am
Well I thought I had something to say until I got to the end of your post and now I can’t think of anything worthwhile. Thanks for sharing. That was a wonderful post.
March 11th, 2008 at 4:35 am
oh great now im crying. at work. i think he wanted you to find those pictures. i know that you know he is always with you but it cant hurt for someone else to remind im sure. p.s i really hope that your adoption comes through soon as your parentship will do so much to enrich another childs life. lots of hugs Ellie
March 11th, 2008 at 4:40 am
Beautiful post, T. And congrats on the award yesterday.
xo
March 11th, 2008 at 6:24 am
Beautiful family, beautiful words.
March 11th, 2008 at 6:50 am
Beautiful Pics…beautiful bug may he RIP. Most of the times you make me laugh…some times cry….some times think (durn you) but always cherish my kids…
March 11th, 2008 at 7:20 am
Another beautiful post that made me teary-eyed.
March 11th, 2008 at 7:44 am
I commend you for your strength to go on, I can’t imagine what you must deal with. I bet Bug was watching you look through those pictures.
March 11th, 2008 at 7:48 am
uhmmmm, what is Gravol? IS there some special bad-mom/babysitter bag of tricks that I don’t know about?!?! Cause I’m totally hip to the game plan. I may have slipped my sweet little darling some baby ibuprofen right before her Christmas pics when she had just turned 2 and I was starting to wonder if she was gonna live to see 3. Best damn Christmas pic EVAH!
March 11th, 2008 at 8:02 am
Congrats on the award as well as “finding” undiscovered pics of bug.
March 11th, 2008 at 8:24 am
I just saw that you won the bloggies!!!! YAY!!!!!!
(As if there was any doubt.)
March 11th, 2008 at 9:23 am
After you kept a loving eye on him for all those years now he’s watching you.
…and I think he’s telling you to stop snooping.
March 11th, 2008 at 10:06 am
The picture in the carseat… OMG! That is so adorable!!
What a precious gift. There are rewards around the most unexpected corners.
You gave a gift to your friend and look what you received in return. So much more.
March 11th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Congrats on the winning the Bloggie!!
March 11th, 2008 at 10:29 am
This was such an achingly gorgeous post.
Congratulations on the award - it was very well deserved.
March 11th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Stop making me f*cking cry at work!
Stunning, stunning post and such magical photos.
Congrats on the Bloggie … it was all yours from the beginning
March 11th, 2008 at 11:20 am
Beautiful. Sad. Beautiful.
This is why you win awards.
March 11th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
I’ve read your Redneck blog for a while now and also read through your former blog remembering and mourning your son. This particular post really hit home because I lost my dad when I was 16 (I’m 28 now) and although I can barely remember what it was like to hug him and I don’t really remember that familiar “dad” smell…I still have my pictures of him and they mean the world to me.
You never really get over loss…it just becomes easier to deal with the memories.
Congratulations on the award, you totally deserve it. :o)
March 11th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
What a wonderful treat to find those pictures of Bug, I can imagine it did make the other hellish hours completely worthwile! I love the one of you and him together and I think the brown hair was quite flattering. Although I imagine you have more game as a blonde
March 11th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
MY breath caught when those pics scrolled up. It really did. I fell in love with you, at first, through your Bug.
Now, of course, it’s the boobs and the snark, but still - he’s the beautiful, heartful core underneath all that sinny deliciousness.
March 11th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Wow - I can’t imagine how profound finding those photos must have been… I know I would have felt as though someone special was thinking of me… what a gift.
March 11th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Yucko with the artxcrement!
No way you were pulled over as the kid climbed out of the seat.
March 11th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
What an amazing post.
March 11th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
*oof*
Nailed me right in the heart with this one.
Beautiful.
Beautiful boy. Beautiful mom.
March 11th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Your Bug is so beautiful, T.
Wonderful post.
March 12th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Your Bug is adorable. I can’t decide whether to laugh or cry. It is a amazing post. Thanks for sharing.
March 13th, 2008 at 6:38 am
Oh… my very first visit to your site and you have me in tears. I shall have to explore further to learn about your Bug. Lovely, funny, touching post. The best kind…
Well done on the Bloggie by the way. I can see you aren’t too overcome by the accolades - hope your family catch up with the realisation of your skills and chosen outlet soon!
BB
March 13th, 2008 at 6:38 am
Wow.. what a precious gift, you couldent ask for a better surprise
March 13th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Your sweet little man….
And gravol has the opposite effect on mine…grrrr
March 13th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
You are such a wonderful & beautiful person. I just love this post. And congrats on the bloggie.
March 16th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
It’s the pregnancy hormones, I know, but you just made me cry!! What a beautiful surprise for you. Congrats on the “major award”! When will the leg lamp arrive?
April 2nd, 2008 at 8:22 pm
“I’m kidding. I would never administer medication to make children sleep like the dead.”
Oh, but I’d FANTASIZE about it, along with dreaming of the ‘off’ button somewhere at the backs of their heads, and the little hooks so I can hang them up and close the closet door…I’d rather walk barefoot over hot coals then babysit a 3 year old, let alone 3 kids under 4 (I’d settle for a volume control button).
I read your post about the friend you’re saying goodbye too and so saw your reference to your precious Bug.
Thank you for sharing your little love with us. I’m so sorry for your loss…so sorry
Debora