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Big Love
I like to keep a clean house. Keep in mind my version of a ‘clean house’ is a loose definition. Very loose. This means that on the weekends I put my slaves kids to work to clean the bathrooms, their rooms, dust the furniture and vacuum while I sit on my computer and blog.
Heh heh.
The problem with my housekeepers is well, they suck. But for the rate they get paid (vast quantities of dried cereal and the odd piece of fresh fruit) I really can’t complain.
So I bite my tongue, tell them they did a half decent job and then take to redoing the mess they made while they are at school. I don’t want to discourage them by telling them cleaning means more than just moving the piles of dirt from one location to another.
On Monday, I rolled up my sleeves and got down to the dirty business of housework. I wouldn’t want my husband to know how we actually live in a pigsty while he’s gone. He’s coming home in a few days. Which means I have to clean like a madwoman before his arrival in order to keep up with this facade so he won’t utter words like ‘get a job’ or ‘earn your keep, woman.’
Which was exactly what I was doing on Monday instead of sitting here tethered to my computer, surfing the net and reading the antics of my beloved fellow bloggers.
You can imagine just how much cleaning I actually got accomplished when I sat down to take a five minute break to check my email and found a lovely note from a good pal of mine, MotherBumper informing me I had won a BLOGGIE.
My laundry is still not done. Oh well. Frac likes going commando anyways.
I was more than a little excited. And grateful. And thrilled. I immediately had to tell my husband who likes to think my blogging is nothing more than escape from my dreary existence as an over-educated, bored, stay at home mom who is stuck in the pits of grieving hell and is too damn lazy to get off her arse and try and put her God given talents to good use. By good use I mean income earning ways.
But the bastard love of my life wasn’t answering his phone. Must be because he was um, working. So I decided to send him an email because surely he would get that message before remembering to check his voicemail.
He of course, was thrilled for me. In a ‘how much money did you win?’ type of way.
Um, none. But the accolades is what counts. And the thrill of victory. The mere knowledge that enough people thought of this little ole blog and voted for me is more than enough to compensate and thrill me to the core.
I’m easy like that.
I imagined how fabulous it would be to tell my kids while wearing a fancy gown, but when I tried on my prom dress from my teenage years I was more than a little horrified to discover my boobs have outgrown it. In an obscene way.
So I had to scrap that idea.
But I couldn’t wait for the kids to get home to share the news with them. I needed something tangible in my hand to drive the point (that they’re mother is the computer geek they feared) home for them.
So I searched the house high and low and decided on one of my son’s sports trophies. Perfect. Now I had a prop to use when I made them listen to my Oscar worthy acceptance speech.
I may have sat my children down and used my new found Bloggie as an example of what a person can do if they believe in themselves and post pictures of their breasts on the internet.
My son just wanted me to put his damn trophy down before I accidentally broke it in my fit of excitement.
I may have gone overboard with my shiny gold statue representing all the bloggy love I was feeling for everyone who voted for me.
I had to get down when my daughter threatened to lock me in my room for jumping on the furniture. House rules and all.
I do want to set a responsible example for good behaviour for my offspring. I take that to mean racing around the house with my fake trophy while shouting out the names of every damn blogger I could think of. That and holding my son’s trophy high above my head while he jumped and tried to retrieve it from his freakishly long-armed mother’s grasp, all the while making asking him,
“Who’s your momma now?”
The height of my maturity astounds even me.
Eventually, I calmed down. It was no easy feat. But the kids threatened to hide my mommy juice on me if I didn’t start to behave and that’s a threat I have to take seriously.
But just know, that all of your support and love have helped this momma remember how to laugh and tease her kids. Because it wasn’t too long ago I was wondering if I’d ever be able to see the sunlight again through my clouds of despair.
I really couldn’t have done it without all of you.
After my son finally grabbed his trophy and went to hide under his bed, I had to take to loving on my dog, Nixon, to help me celebrate.
I’m so filled with bloggie love right now. I even love the fact they’ve listed my blog as ‘Attack of the Redneck Monkey’.
They must have seen my monkey toes and how my legs look before I shave them annually.
It’s an easy mistake to make.
Heh. Heh.
March 12th, 2008 at 8:31 am
Congrats!!!
March 12th, 2008 at 8:44 am
Congratulations Monkey legs! Now reward yourself and come visit Hawaii already!
March 12th, 2008 at 8:46 am
Congrats there Redneck!!! You’ve earned every last piece of plastic and fleck of gold paint and then some.
March 12th, 2008 at 9:07 am
The big high fives, my friend!!
March 12th, 2008 at 9:16 am
Yay! Congrats T. Well deserved!!
March 12th, 2008 at 9:31 am
woot-woot! congrats!
March 12th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Woot indeed. Good job.
Cheers
BC
March 12th, 2008 at 9:49 am
I voted for you!
WHOOO!!!!
March 12th, 2008 at 9:57 am
Congratulations!
I love your “acceptance” speech and paparazzi shots!
March 12th, 2008 at 9:58 am
Your Nucking Futz!
Dam women, has the snow melted up there yet? You DO need to get out more often.
LOL
March 12th, 2008 at 10:00 am
Congrats!! I”m glad you won
and I do think A shitty ass would be better than your son’s trophy too.
March 12th, 2008 at 10:03 am
Congrats on the award.
March 12th, 2008 at 10:05 am
I still can’t believe I broke the news to you (thank Schmutzie for being the tweeter of joy!). Congrats baby and boy do you know how to hold a trophy - love your technique.
March 12th, 2008 at 10:35 am
You are one sexxy bitch, you know that?
March 12th, 2008 at 10:37 am
Yay for you!!! I voted for you…
By the way, the picture of the monkey feet made me throw up. And not just a little bit in my mouth.
March 12th, 2008 at 10:47 am
Congratulations! And well deserved, too.
March 12th, 2008 at 11:14 am
Are you going to keep your bloggie in the bathroom? I’ve heard that is what all the big stars do.
March 12th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Congratulations - you TOTALLY deserve it!
March 12th, 2008 at 11:44 am
redneck monkey. ahahahaha! that just made my day.
congrats!
March 12th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Congrats, You really deserve it! I can’t say how many times I have been late picking Little Miss up from school because of you! She may not appreciate that Mommy needed her fix, but she will get over it! Congrats and Depends appreciates the business I have given them because of you. HAHAHAHA!!!!
March 12th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Congratulations!!!!!!! That is so very cool. Bossy loves it when she wins things. Not that she would know, but, hypothetically speaking.
March 12th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Congratulations!
I popped over to check out the winner of Best Canadian Blog after reading about it on Wired but I had some problems finding you as they listed the winner as Attack of the Redneck Monkey.
You might want to ask for a correction.
http://blog.wired.com/underwire/2008/03/sxsw-dooce-bags.html
March 12th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Oh ho I see you beat me to noticing that.
March 12th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Congratulations, RM(onkey)! ;^)
March 12th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
WE LOVE YOU!
~thousands of adoring fans scream in unison~
I voted for you with all 347 fake email accounts.
hee, hee…
Attack of the Redneck Monkey.
Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Wonderful pictures!
March 12th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Lawd help me, Damn that’s quite a funny typo.
Congrats you deserve it (I voted for you)
March 12th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
DUH of course you won.
With those TATAS???
March 12th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Congrats. Your daughter’s face in the background makes this post all the more funny.
March 12th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
I was so excited when I saw you were the winner! You deserve it 100%!
March 12th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Congratulations! So well deserved. As if you don’t get a real trophy.
March 12th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
I’m so happy for you! When I saw that yesterday I was so thrilled for you because you are bloggess goddess!!
March 12th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Cool on you, lady!
BTW, I like that hair color. I’m in a color rut at the moment.
March 12th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Congrats! I’m a fairly new reader, but even with only a few weeks of your RSS Feed under my belt, it is beyond clear to me that you are awesome. Your blog makes me laugh, makes me misty-eyed, makes me refresh the RSS feeder just in case you’ve posted again.
Like I said, congratulations.
March 12th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Congratulations!
March 12th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Congratulations. Now you can use your celebrity to get comped to first class when you fly out to T-Dot next month!
March 12th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Attack of the Redneck Monkey! I’m going to call you that from now on.
Congrats on your award again, you Monkey.
March 12th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Wonderful news, Red!! So happy for you!!
Love the pix– esp the one with your daughter roooooollling her eyes in the background. THAT, friend, is pre-teen AWE, for you. I know– I’ve got one here just like her. She’s my “biggest fan”, too. Harhar.
Lots of love, CGF xo
March 12th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
CONGRATULATIONS! Well deserved, you redneck monkey, you.
March 12th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Congrats Monkey girl. Can’t wait to toast you in person and give you a big congratulatory squeeze soon!!!
March 12th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
Congrats you lil redneck you!
Does it count that I would have voted for ya iffn I knew what those were previous to this post?
March 12th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
Congratulations! I stumbled onto your site after I found it listed as a nominee and I have been hooked ever since - you crack me up.
March 12th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
Do you have any idea how thrilled I was for you?? I even stopped staring at my computer long enough to announce to the hubs that one of my blogging friends won a cool ass award.
He of course rolled his eyes.
Smooches girl!! And if you want to lay one on me the next time you see me? I promise. No restraining order.
March 12th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Congrats. It’s well deserved.
March 12th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
It was so kind of you to remember us little people!
March 12th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Congratulations!
March 12th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
You should so change the name of your site to Redneck Monkey. God, that cracked me up! I’m upset that the acceptance speech wasn’t televised. Would have been far more interesting that most of the ones I’ve seen at the awards shows.
Congrats!
March 12th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
Well I hope you were running around screaming my name. Cause then that is one thing that I can cross off my life TO-DO list.
Congrats babe, you earned every single one of your sons trophies
March 13th, 2008 at 12:22 am
Yay for you!!! congrats!
March 13th, 2008 at 12:50 am
Congrats! Can’t believe I’ve missed out on your site for so long. Glad I found it. Thanks for the laughs.
March 13th, 2008 at 6:50 am
That’s FANTASTIC!
Congratulations.
March 13th, 2008 at 7:26 am
*breaks into song*
Nobody does is beeetttterrr!!!!
(Or is it “You’re so vain”? No it’s the first one. I remember.)
Enjoy the flush of victory. I can’t believe there was any question of your winning. You’re the best.
March 13th, 2008 at 7:52 am
Congrats miss Monkey….
March 13th, 2008 at 7:57 am
congrats, my friend…but really you ought to be ashamed, stealing the award away from all those hardblogging redneck monkeys people THOUGHT they were voting far…
poor monkeys, still trying to create the works of Shakespeare on their typewriters…
March 13th, 2008 at 8:34 am
CONGRATS!! I love reading your blog.
March 13th, 2008 at 8:37 am
Congratulations!! You earned it!!!
March 13th, 2008 at 9:25 am
You are so funny, and well deserve the award! Congrats.
March 13th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Horray!!
A new picture of Nixon!!
BTW, congrats on the award. “‘
March 13th, 2008 at 9:30 am
The kids are just hatin. They wish they had won acceptance and affirmation of true popularity. After all, we like you! We really really like you!!
March 13th, 2008 at 10:07 am
You truly deserved it! You are too stinkin’ cute? And Nixon’s little face made me swoon even though he is totally got the bershon going there.
March 13th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
I’m proud of you no matter how many children roll their eyes.
March 13th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Congrats! Love your blog. I voted for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
March 13th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
This may be the closest I ever get to sleeping with royalty.
OH MY QUEEN!
March 13th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Wow! Congrats! I love the pic where you hold it like a baby.
Happy for you!
March 13th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
LOL I have the same housecleaning deal with M. but he requires Slim Jim’s to work. Congrats on the Bloggie!
March 13th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
lol too funny!
March 13th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Oh, what a super star you are.
March 13th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
Yay! You sooooo deserve it.
(Your dog looks a lot more tolerant than mine.)
March 14th, 2008 at 4:05 am
Attack of the Redneck Monkeys has a certain chilling air to it that totally works for me. I’d go with it.
Congratulations, T!!! Awesomeness!
March 14th, 2008 at 7:36 am
CONGRATS red neck!damn you make me laugh…
March 14th, 2008 at 9:12 am
You are soooooo hilarious!
March 14th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Congrats. Much deserved!
March 14th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Congratulations! I haven’t been around long enough to be one of those who voted for you, but I won’t make that mistake again. Nice acceptance performance, too.
– Laurie
March 15th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Hey, congratulations! And Redneck MOnkey? Is that like when the gibbon monkeys don’t want to have anything to do with spider monkeys living in their neighbourhood?
March 15th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
I just found out and HOLY COW WOMAN IT’S ABOUT FREAKING TIME.
I think you could also win for “Best Mommyblog Not Written by Dooce” if they had that sort of a category.
Whoo!
March 15th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!
Hurrah! ‘Bout time you were recognized!
March 16th, 2008 at 10:47 am
[…] up is Redneck Mommy. Oh, how I love this woman. She slays me. I know she won a “Bloggy” award, but really, that […]
March 16th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
Congrats, congrats, congrats! I love the eye rolling by your daughter in the background.
March 18th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
You know, I was avoiding this post on my RSS feeder because, by the sound of the title, I was sure it was going to make me cry and there’s only so many tears a guy can shed while surfing for porn.
Anyway, congratulations on your Bloggie. I now realize what I need to do to be in your league. Starting tomorrow, I’m gonna start posting more pics of my man boobs.
Congrats! You totally deserve it.