Subscribe in a Reader
Meatloaf…The Answer to A Parent’s Prayers
As every day passes it is becoming more and more obvious that I am completely unprepared for the teenage trials and tribulations that lay before us.
My son recently sprouted two hollow legs, hoovering food and anything else not nailed down and all of his pants are starting to look like capris with inches of ankle bone showing. He sprang up over night. I am dreading the day I wake up to find all my hand lotion missing and a bunch of dirty socks stuffed under his bed.
My daughter has become obsessed with growing breasts, wearing makeup and styling her hair. She spends hours staring into the mirror trying to visualize what she will look like as a grown up and pondering her future as a famous singer/world class surgeon/supermodel all at once.
I’m still stuck in the lego and Barbie stage; offering them juice boxes and asking them if they want chicken fingers or mac n’ cheese for supper.
They are growing up faster than I am maturing as a parent and it’s starting to scare the hell out of me.
It doesn’t help they attend a school where grades five through 12 freely roam the halls. The almost adult kids try to avoid the wee ones like my Fric and Frac but inevitably, due to lack of square footage, their paths collide.
Fric and Frac learn all sorts of interesting life lessons while on the playgrounds of public school. And they are more than eager to share those lessons with their totally hip, rad wrinkled, worried mother.
Any day my pubic hair are going to start turning gray, people.
The other day Fric and Frac came home talking about boners and stiffies and they wanted to know what ‘wanking off’ meant. They haven’t really figured out what masturbation means and I’d like to keep it that way for a while.
Just to keep my sanity for a few more days.
But they persisted and kept gnawing at my ankles like rabid little rats and wanted to know why some of the boys on the bus were telling a kid to buy a melon, microwave it for a few seconds to warm up the middle and then cut a hole in it.
Was it some fancy new type of dessert? Have we been eating melon the wrong way for all of these years? Were they missing out on some magic formula to magically morph them into one of the cool kids?
And by the way, Mom, why does everyone keep teasing the boys about warm apple pie? What’s the joke?
I had several choices at this moment as I stopped, picked up my jaw and pushed my exploded eyeballs back into my head while inwardly cursing the fact that we live out in the sticks and my children are forced to ride the little yellow bus with a bunch of sex starved adolescent boys.
(Shit like this never happened when I lived in the city and had to walk to school. No sirree. It was all fairy princesses and sparkle dust. Heh.)
I could sit down and calmly and rationally explain the jokes and have an age appropriate conversation about sex or I could bury my head in the sand and let Satan’s spawn on the school bus corrupt my beautiful innocent children forever.
Hell no. If any one gets to corrupt my children it’s gonna be me. I didn’t spend eight hours in hard labour trying to push their fat heads out of my itty bitty pink parts just to allow someone else have all the fun. I’ve earned the right to be able to twist their little minds every darn time I had to wipe their poopy bums or kiss their booboos.
Still, this wasn’t a conversation to enter in to lightly so I did what any quick thinking momma would do. I told them to do their home work and we would talk about this after supper.
I needed time to collect my thoughts and figure out how not to scar myself for years to come to delicately word our conversation.
That and I wanted to call Boo. See if he had time to deal with it. Maybe we could conference call it, and he could do all the heavy lifting. (I’m thoughtful like that.) But Boo was actually working so I would have to face the firing squad alone without any back up.
I felt like an old gun slinger heading out to main street at the stroke of noon, aware that if I wasn’t the fastest draw I’d end up with a bullet in the head.
After supper my delightfully excited demon spawn sat down with me and we talked. About everything. Kinda. I still edited as much as I could. Had to save some of the good stuff for their dad. Heh. But in the end, Frac ran screeching from the room with his ears bleeding and my daughter just sat on the couch with a stunned look on her face, wishing she had never asked.
Mission accomplished.
Heh.
Later that night, Boo phoned and asked how our day went. When I told him his children wanted to know why boys spunk into fruit I heard the phone clatter to the floor and my husband having a small heart attack on the other end. When he sufficiently recovered he asked how I handled the situation.
“Why? Don’t you trust me? You think I will warp them don’t you?” I asked on the defensive.
“No, no, nothing like that,” he rushed to reassure me. “I know you would do the best you could. It’s just sometimes your best is a little, um, frank. Plus, this kinda came at me out of the blue,” he hurriedly added so I wouldn’t rip off his head, shit down his throat and then stuff his skull down the gaping wound that was once his neck.
“Came at YOU out of the blue???” I huffed. “Try being the one to explain what wanking off or tugging the one-eyed snake meant!”
“Well, how did you do it?” I could tell my beloved was wrestling simultaneously with fear and curiosity. While he dreaded my answer he needed to know. Kinda like rubber necking at an accident site. You just can’t stop yourself.
“I explained the whole self-gratification thing in a non-specific manner but I felt it was more important to focus on teen age sex. Especially since they are obviously hearing about it every day. I don’t want them to think it is cool or an activity to engage in lightly.” I took a deep breath before continuing.
“Because if I have grandbabies before I turn forty I’m ripping off your nuts and barbequing them. It will be all your fault for leaving me alone with these kids during their crucial development stage.”
“Fair enough,” Boo said. “So what did you say?”
“Well, not much to be honest. I sat them down and made them watch a music video and then explained the lyrics. That pretty much did all the work for me. I think we may be raising a future nun and a forty year old virgin. I’m okay with that,” I laughed.
“Cool,” Boo laughed. “But what video did you make them watch?”
“Oh, just an old Meatloaf video. What’s better than a little rock and roll to go with a sex talk?,” I giggled as I remembered my children’s horror filled faces as I explained to them the realities of teen age sex courtesy of 70’s rock.
What better than a video that explains the difference between boys and girls and sex and the harsh realities of what happens when you have sex when you aren’t ready.
Plus, I may have had a little fun rocking out to the video and remembering my own steamy teenage nights parked in a vehicle in the middle of no where.
Heh.
Ya. I so rock this parenting gig.
March 19th, 2008 at 8:58 am
OMG! I can not believe you showed them a Meatloaf video! I would never have thought of that. Although my poor children are subjected to listening to Meatloaf on a regular basis and as of yet, my 10 year old has not asked what this particular song means. I will however file this little bit of information for when the dreaded talk is pressed on me. (Oh lord I hope it is a few years off!!) Kudos to you for handling it in a manner that is by far the coolest I have ever heard! I am still laughing!
March 19th, 2008 at 9:20 am
And here I was thinking you were going to give me an easy recipe for dinner tonight.
March 19th, 2008 at 9:21 am
What a clever, clever woman you are. I say that because that is the very same song I used on my kids (now 23, 17, 15, 13). It’s perfect. I never thought about the video, but of course the older two were pre-YouTube. May I suggest the Janis Ian song “At Seventeen” as the perfect way to explain why you don’t want your pretty, popular little girl to ever be a bitch. You will rock the teenage years.
March 19th, 2008 at 9:30 am
“the birds and the bees” is out
THE Meatloaf is in.
Love it.
March 19th, 2008 at 9:39 am
Love it. And I’m sending my ever-growing brood of spawn up to you when they start asking me questions I don’t wanna answer. They’ll be so amazed at your Canadian-speak that they’ll never know what hit ‘em …
Actually, I really do admire the way you actually talk about stiff with your kids. So many parents just ignore it and pretend none of it exists, which never works out well for anyone involved. I think you’re just peachy!!
~Brea in Texas
March 19th, 2008 at 9:40 am
I would have put American Pie in the DVD player and let it do some of the explaining for me. Then I would have got my son some nudie photos. Just for good measure.
March 19th, 2008 at 9:43 am
Yeah, I luv meatloaf.
My kids mom was there for them, she was a writer for a local paper, and she used the first sex talk with them as a story she submitted later for an Associated Press award and won. It was “Fun with Condoms, and Lifes Lessons with Teens”
I can see the look on youir face, but hell, my kids didnt know about women piercing their nips until they were in their 20’s, so yours are years ahead.
Good luck on TONIGHTS lesson…. Mom, what does it mean to go commando and bare back?”
LOL
March 19th, 2008 at 9:57 am
Meatloaf forever, dude!
And?
My friend and I both have 12-year-olds and I just had a conversation about how I live in fear of the day his sheets mysteriously turn up in my washer.
(Your hand lotion and sock analogy was much better. Of course.
)
March 19th, 2008 at 9:59 am
A MELON? Okay, that’s a new one. Inventive, but a little gross. I may never look at melons the same way again. So thanks for that. There goes brunch with the in-laws.
March 19th, 2008 at 10:10 am
Oh man, I break into a cold sweat just thinking of my kids at Fric and Frac’s ages. I’s skeered.
Good Luck!
March 19th, 2008 at 10:13 am
I was kinda like huh & wth at the melon thing too. Haven’t heard that one before. I guess it’s the new “American Pie”?
March 19th, 2008 at 10:16 am
That vid just ruined my Meatloaf days forever. Not quite sure if it was the big-eyed Meatloaf look that was continuously flashed my way (reminding me of sick pervs) or that woman in white who couldn’t seem to hold herself up with going into a trance every time her mouth stopped moving.
That was a good song, until now. It’s forever dead to me. Moving on…
My 11 year old scares me, not because he has done anything to provoke me to think he’s been “wanking off”, but .. come on. I know what I was up to at that age, and the guys around me. Unless he’s slightly broken, I’m sure he’s up to it. I’m too damn young for this shit. Someone stop this train ride called parenthood, I think I want off. I boarded the wrong train!
March 19th, 2008 at 10:33 am
Gawd I love reading your blog lol. You are a breath of fresh air. And this particular entry could not come at a better time. My 11 year old daughter (who is far too “mature” for her age) is grounded for life right now, yesterday i checked her voicemails on her phone so i could relay any important ones from friends about homework and what not…when all of a sudden i hear her boyfriends voice…telling her he misses her and wished he could shove his tongue down her throat (oh yeah, real romantic there bub) I about had a heart attack…guess “that talk” is gonna have to happen a bit sooner then i anticipated
March 19th, 2008 at 10:36 am
Hey, I just found out what this song means, too.
March 19th, 2008 at 10:47 am
you are a braver woman than i … although meatloaf? that’s inspired.
wish i’d thought of it before i threw my kids to the wolves to learn from their scruffy, nasty friends!
March 19th, 2008 at 11:11 am
I can sing that song word for word.
March 19th, 2008 at 11:12 am
and to that end I say we go all shit faced karaoke at that fancy pants bar we are going to when you come to town.
March 19th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Ooh, I never thought about using that good old song. What a great idea!
March 19th, 2008 at 11:32 am
breasts? i’m sure i will die when i am faced with my daughter having breasts.
March 19th, 2008 at 11:37 am
I learned everything I know about sex from Meatloaf. Brilliant!
March 19th, 2008 at 11:46 am
Just looking at Meatloaf has got to have turned them off any thoughts of sex for a while, no?
March 19th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
I had never heard of a warm melon being used that way. Fric and Frac are being schooled far better than I will ever be.
Wait for the porn video, I found one in my 18 year old’s sock drawer, how awful is that? After recovering from my heart attack, I left it up to my dear husband. I think he had a stroke and just put it back in the drawer.
I had hoped I would never have to have those kind of talks, because my children have no interest in that. lol>..
March 19th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
I think you may have scared them straight. I know you scared ME straight, shudder.
March 19th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Thanks to our family history of slow moving girl development, our daughters won’t have to worry about boobs until they’re about 22. I can just sit back and relax during their teen years, riiiiiggght?
March 19th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
HA! This is great! I gotta remember this when my kids ask. I am also dealing with a kid that can’t wait for boobs and thinks she is going to be a supermodel and a work at Mcdonalds so she can get free happy meals. I don’t have the heart to tell her she will probably get neither.
March 19th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Ha, I kind of feel your pain. Sort of.
My five year old boy girl twins are at that stage. You know the one where they want to touch themselves all the time.
Of course I have to say, its ok to be curious but you should do it in private and not touch one another. Your privates are your own. Yada Yada yada.
Oh the joys of motherhood.
March 19th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
well done!!
The last question I got thrown at me was from my 11 year old “mummy what’s porn?” I fell off my chair!
March 19th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
It’s stories like these that make me glad I can give my godkids back to their rightful parents. heh. i completely heart this video, very creative way to talk about sex. I remember when I asked my mom, she stared, gave me a textbook and told me to figure it out. Now she wonders why I have an odd interest in fetishes. heh.
March 19th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
I have never heard of fruit being uh, violated like that.
Can I just send my kdis over to your house? Please?
March 19th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
First of all, let’s not pick on those with graying pubic hair. M’kay?
Second, I’m really jonesing for a fruit salad now. Go figure.
March 19th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
he he he. I am so showing that to my girls when they get home.
Not that they need it at all. A few weeks ago they had to explain Mung to me. I still feel ill when I think about it. Don’t google it (well actually Urban Dictionary) unless you want to be thoroughly grossed out.
Or perhaps show it to Fric and Frac and they can have one up on the older kids!
March 19th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
You are one brilliant woman. Effing brilliant.
Tho the whole lotion and socks thing makes me glad my oldest boy is only 6.
March 19th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
omg, i’m totally homeschooling.
March 19th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Don’t worry about your pubes going grey, just shave the beaver and be done with it.
A melon? I knew the apple pie one, but damn.
When your daughter suddenly wants you to buy lots of zucchinis then you know you’re deep in the proverbial.
March 19th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
Thank you for that video. That is one of my all time favorite songs. Between Katie, whose motto was “There’s always time to masturbate.”, even standing in line at McDonald’s, and me being a nurse, my poor kids learned it all quite young.
Brilliant idea though with the video and still so true.
March 19th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
ACK! I am traumatized.
Yep, I am homeschooling forever.
My oldest 9 still refers to ‘mating’ in the animal planet sense.
“So, you are having another baby? You and Dad must’ve mated.”
March 19th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
Now I have that song in my head!
And I was a grandma before 40. I am still not 40 and they are 2 yrs and 8 months old.
My pubes are silver.
March 20th, 2008 at 2:26 am
Heck, I thought I was going to get a recipe! Kids just grow up too darn fast. Makes you wonder though what goes on in other peoples houses that their youngin’s have all this wonderful info to share with our sweet innocent children.
Now, excuse me while I go look up Mung…
March 20th, 2008 at 6:36 am
FUCKIN’ A.
This is the best song EVER.
Will you love me forever?
Let me sleep on it, babe.
Brilliant.
March 20th, 2008 at 6:47 am
Does pubic hair turn gray? Shit. That’s next.
March 20th, 2008 at 8:31 am
My teenager is eating me out of house and home. I have no idea where the food goes. I can’t explain how, after eating a full dinner and then some, he is hungry 30 minutes later. What is that???
Meatloaf was awesome! Good choice!
March 20th, 2008 at 9:16 am
Gag. You heart Meatloaf? I’d have SO gone for Prince.
Truly, SERIOUSLY, we were going to have meatloaf for dinner tonight. Not sure I can stomach it now.
March 20th, 2008 at 10:02 am
After reading the title, I thought this was going to be a post about your brilliant culinary skills. Then I remembered who’s blog I was reading and wondered what an uncomfortable sex moment could possibly have to do with meatloaf. Once again you’ve amazed me with your ability to make connections that I would never have thought of.
March 20th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Well, who doesn’t like a little Meatloaf? I may never buy watermelon again, though, with two boys in the house, thankyouverymuch.
March 20th, 2008 at 10:42 am
I’m totally filing this away for those teenage years in my own house.
March 20th, 2008 at 11:03 am
OMG! I didn’t think of that before. But thanks for the meatloaf tips…I might use it in about 4 - 5 years…
March 20th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
My boys are watching that tonight!
Then, and only then, will they finally understand what “boulders” (boners) are and I won’t have to explain it yet again. whew!
March 20th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
One time I asked my mom what 69 was. Yes, that’s bad, but I was in (oh boy, I’m getting the douche chills just thinking about this) high school at the time. *shiver* Thank goodness “the internets” came along and corrupted me. It just wasn’t in time.
March 20th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Okay, invoking MEATLOAF for THE TALK is pure, unadulterated GENIUS!!
March 20th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
What an awesome post today Redneck! I listened to the whole video, eyes closed and was taken back in time for a few minutes. Thanks!
I wish I’d thought of it when I had the talk… but sadly, my inarticulate explanations and fumbling hand gestures had to do.
March 20th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
That song brings back such memories of … dashboard lights. I do NOT know why else (big, sweaty) Meatloaf can seem so damn …. sexual and that song such a turnon. Dangit.
The tough question I had to answer was from my daughter who, upon listening to Alanis Morissette’s first hit, asked me what it meant to “go down on him in a theater…”. *sigh* Yep, not just sex I had to explain but oral sex. Geez and thanks Alanis!
March 20th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
OMG! I know every damn word to that song!
This was simultaneously hilarious and frightening.
March 20th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Love that song. Still listening to it right now.
And if it were my husband, he probably would have done the same thing. All of life’s mysteries can be explained with Meatloaf.
March 20th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
I can wait… oh goodness I can wait.
And I’m showing them your blog when they ask, bookmarked to this page.
March 21st, 2008 at 6:43 am
Meatloaf.
Genius.
March 21st, 2008 at 2:14 pm
This might just work. Do you think you could put together an entire CD to get us through the adolescent/teen years? Between your playlist and my drink recipes, we might just get by…
SK
March 22nd, 2008 at 5:18 pm
I distinctly remember driving in the car with my friend and her dad when that Meatloaf song came on the radio, and the dad turned and looked back at us in the back seat and said, “Girls, what would YOU do in that situation?”
And so we said, “We’d sleep on it, and give an answer in the morning.”
[Kidding! I think we just blushed three shades of purple and shrugged.]
I commend your use of Meatloaf in teaching sex ed.