As an adult, I have never been terribly fond of the telephone. Sure, it’s a handy invention to have, especially when I find my ass trapped in a snowbank and I’m literally spinning my tires, but more often than not I find the telephone rings when ever the husband and I are getting our romance on.
It’s usually his mother calling, wanting to know if I’m taking good care of her baby. (I was trying to, before you called. Sigh.
As a teenager, I couldn’t live without a phone permanently attached to my ear. I used to spend hours in my mom’s sewing room, hunched up on an uncomfortable stool with the phone pressed to my ear as I talked to my girlfriends or boyfriend about life and it’s great mysteries in the only room I could be sure my brother wasn’t eavesdropping on me.
Then I grew up. Suddenly life was not nearly as mysterious, especially around the supper hour when the telemarketers began harassing me at full force.
Like the other night while I had my best friend and her kids over for supper. I was trying to impart buckets of gossip wisdom to my friend when a telemarketer from Michigan decided to make my life miserable.
The first time the phone rang and the great state of Michigan proverbially knocked on my door, I graciously answered it with the polite intentions of turning down what ever carpet cleaning deal, free travel trip or long distance plan they were offering.
But there was no one on the other line. Not even a heavy breather. Damn you, telemarketers. If you are going to call during the supper hour you could at least have the decency to actually remain on the line so that I can rip you a new one.
No biggie, I just hung up and continued discussing politics fashion, religion celebrity gossip and the economy our husbands with my friend.
Then the phone rang again. It was Michigan trying anew. I let it go to voice mail and didn’t thing anything about it as I prattled on, only slightly annoyed about the persistent intrusion. A matter of moments later, the phone rang for the third time.
Maybe it was the wine and the liquid courage it had fostered, or maybe it was the simple fact that I was trying to import valuable life lessons to my best friend who was literally hanging on my every word, only to be interrupted by annoying telemarketers, but I lost it.
I picked up the phone and snarled in my meanest scariest voice, “FACK OFF AND DIE. TRY PHONING YOUR MOTHER. MAYBE SHE CARES.” And then I promptly hung up. My best friend screeched with laughter and gave me a high five.
Before I could launch back into my conversation, the phone rang for the fourth time. Laughing, my best friend grabbed for it to save the poor telemarketer from receiving the tongue lashing of his or her life.
“Hello?” She laughed sweetly into the phone while batting my hand away as I tried to grab the phone from her to snarl into it. All of her sudden her face dropped and then she doubled over laughing hysterically and wandered to the next room to escape from the children and me so she could actually hear the person on the other line.
She came back moments later wiping tears of laughter away from her eyes and placed the phone back on to the counter.
“My mother would like to know why you yelled at her to fack off and die,” she giggled. My face fell. Oh shit.
“Turns out that third caller wasn’t Michigan but my mother trying to find out if I still needed her to sit for me next week. She knew I was having supper with you so she called here.” She burst into laughter as she saw my ashen face. “She also wants me to say hello and remind you she will be at Easter supper on Sunday. She wants to talk with you,” she sniggered.
Great. Nothing like a lesson in phone manners administered by the most pious scary woman I know while I choke back my Easter ham. Fun.
You would have thought this would have served as a valuable teaching tool for me to remember phone technology is not infallible. Sometimes caller i.d. fails and you mistakenly tell your well respected best friend’s mother to take a flying leap instead of some asshat telemarketer.
But this is Tanis you are speaking about. I can be a bit of a slow learner. So yesterday, after a long day of shopping, I phoned my husband’s cell phone. By my estimation, he would have been off work and on his way home. I wanted to brag to him about all my great shopping conquests and maybe tell him I loved him. Maybe. Depends on my mood.
So after a few rings, my husband answered his cell phone. Before he could even mutter hello, I launched into a long winded diatribe about my day and then ended with, “Ya, and I haven’t pooped in five days and I’m starting to get uncomfortable.”
A moment of silence on the other end of the line as my husband digested this morsel and all the other’s I just hurled at him. Except it wasn’t my husband. It was his best friend.
“Really. Five days eh? Are you eating leafy greens?” he joked.
As soon as he opened his mouth I realized my mistake. “What are you doing answering Boo’s cell?” I screeched as my face went three shades red and I realized I just talked about my lack of shitting prowess with a man I haven’t seen naked.
“Um, Boo’s a bit busy right now so I’m holding his cell phone,” he laughed. “But I’ll have him call you back. And you can be sure I’ll pass along that bit about your bunged hole.” More laughter.
“Oh, and Tanis? Boo invited me to Easter supper, so I’ll see you on Sunday.”
Great. Now I’m going to be getting a lesson in phone manners from a woman I both admire and fear and a lesson in bowel maintenance from a man who survives strictly on whiskey, coke and cigarettes.
I hate telephones.
Have a happy Easter everyone. I’m not sure I will, but it will be informative.
49 Comments
Perhaps a little prune juice with your Easter ham . . . ?
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Perhaps the serving of crow your friend’s mom will serve you may get things moving along? Classic!
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Too, too funny! Thanks for the laugh and I hope your Easter dinner is a spectacular success.
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Oh, I am a wreck for you. Those calls are awful. Good luck Sunday. And I hope you poop before then.
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BWAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Omg.
I am just cracking UP.
I have pretty horrible phone anxiety. It’s a damn good thing you don’t because if I were you, I don’t know if I would ever use the phone AGAIN!
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I love to mess with telemarketers… one time I had one so annoyed with me HE hung up!
“But I don’t want AT&T”
“But we can save you money. We own the lines see and they have to lease from us”
“but how do you know you can save me money? You don’t see my bill”
“they have to lease the lines from us, so we can save you that cost”
“but I don’t want AT&T”
took about 4 minutes
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I swear, every time I read your blog at work I either have to hide my laughter or tears. Please tell me you’ve considered writing a book?
More on subject- cemetaries like to call selling plots around these parts. One night in particular they called and got my mom. Now I love my mom’s sense of humor. So they are putting the hard sell on mom and she simply replies, I’m immortal so I won’t be needing one, and my husband- well he won’t even go to that side of town now- what makes you think he wants to spend eternity in that sh*thole??
Other times they called looking for my dad to buy windows and siding (Love Sears). Mom said- I don’t know where that worthless SOB is. But if you find him, tell him I’m looking for him and his ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower.
I’d just love to see the telemarketer’s faces. But anyways- good luck on Sunday. Avoidance. THe word of the day ; P
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Bwahahahaha too funny. I hate the phone too but for very different reasons that you do!
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I love it. I had a telemarketer call and a recorded message asked me to stay on the phone until a representative was available to take my call. I waited a couple of minutes. When the guy finally got to me, I promptly put him on hold. Would you believe he actually held for 20 minutes? Bless him, he really wanted to make that sell. I never intended to buy or even speak with him, I just figured he would hang up. Why call if you can’t talk, are these people really that busy?
Hope dinner goes well. And I hope things get moving again real soon. HA!
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You make me feel sane and well adjusted. You know that don’t you?
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I just fell out of my chair!
I am SO glad I am not the only one that makes life” interesting” for myself.
Now, as soon as my poor banged up ass feels better, I am going to tell off the guy that keeps calling to talk to my Hub- who is never here!
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This was utterly delicious!
I tangled horns with a MINACS operator and since then the blog entries I have posted on said conversations have been sought out by MINACS offices the world over. Though I still stand by my opinion that they ought to give these operators the phonetic spellings of the people they are calling.
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MUAHAHAHAHAHA! Too funny. I’ve done that once, but never twice in a row. Good grief lady. Come down here and give me lessons on how to embarrass the fack right out of myself! I so need them, so that I can spice up my life!
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i feel your pain. i once accosted my husband at the door with an angry string of — ahem — examples from my, um, amazing vocabulary. turns out he was on the phone with his 12-year-old daughter at the time.
uh. ooops!
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I love coming here. Everyone else seems so freaking perfect, but you my friend, are as weird and wacky as me.
I did something similar but it was Boo’s principal. That took so es-plain-in’!
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Oh my gosh. I snorted while reading this, thank goodness I had set the beer down
LOL.
Too funny. I feel your pain, I’m so sorry LOL. I hope Easter dinner is less painful than you think. Maybe some Benadryl in their drinks?
I stumbled this… it is too funny not to share.
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Muck Fichigan, I always say! (But that is because I’m from the state of Illinois.)
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You’re killing me! I hate those bloody phone calls from Michigan (is the entire state one large call center?)
I hope there’s a lot of wine served with Easter dinner. It seems to be useful in erasing memories.
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This is why I totally avoid answering the phone at all. Like for weeks. I’ll finally check my voice mail and realize something important was supposed to be done.
Like any one is going to call me to tell me I’ve won a million trillion dollars.
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LMFAO
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That was hilarious! This post has definitely made my day! Ha. Ha.
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Hilarious! You never fail to crack me up. Enjoy your Easter!
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I have the worst phone manners. Ever. I once inadvertently told my husband’s boss to pick up up tampons because I just looked at the work number and thought it was my husband. And I’ve told my brother to stop facking calling thinking he was a telemarketer. But really somedays I wish he would stop facking calling
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I want to get rid of our phone entirely. Like bra burning. I think it wold feel almost as liberating.
Hope you have a wonderful (and productive- try colace) Easter.
xo
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you’re too funny. easter dinner should be a scream…
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Uh huh! I can relate to this.
I called my bank to “rip someone, anyone” a new one because it wasn’t MY fault, doncha know. Some poor lady on the other end of the line listened patiently as I ranted and raved for 10 minutes before gently informing me that “someone” (my husband) had put his check through the atm. Therefore, ergo towit it was on a 48 hour hold, hence the “unreasonable holding of our funds.”
Oh.
Luckily, after I apologized all over the place, she told me she LIKES her job.
It takes all sorts of (insane) people to make a world I guess.
LOL.
I’m grateful for her anyway.
Hope your Easter is awesome and the lectures about phone etiquette and leafy greens are short.
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Oh what I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall at your Easter get-together!!!
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On behalf of the state of Michigan, I apologize.
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I HATE THOSE MICHIGAN PHONE CALLS.
We get them every fucking day. All hours, but usually around dinner time. And it is always because I won a free trip somewhere. Oh lucky me. I guess now that the Americans have a “do not call” list they are starting to prey on us backwards frozen Canuks…… because you know we would take the promise of a warm vacation…. right?
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And that, my dear, is why I rarely answer the phone. If it’s important, they’ll leave a message. of course, now I’m getting voice mail spam… It never fucking ends.
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Another reason why I “accidentally” leave my cordless downstairs, in the laundry room, with the door shut.
Your comic is way better then mine is.
Happy Easter chick, don’t eat to much crow, you won’t have room for ham.
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Haha, that’s so funny! I hate telemarketers so much - they always call at the worst times, but I’ve learned the lesson that you always wait to see who is on the other end before launching into a rant!
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Too funny. I hope there’s liquor at Easter dinner to help you through
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Maybe you are having trouble going to the bathroom because lately you suffer from diarrhea of the mouth.
Hope you have a good Easter.
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I know that I should be learning a different lesson from this post, but I totally want to just yell at this 1-866-513-**** number that keeps calling and asking for Col. Mustard, and when I tell him he IS NOT HOME DURING THE WEEK, they continue to call 3 or 4 times daily to talk to him. Maybe if I tell them to fack off, they’ll leave me alone.
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I was laughing so hard I had to take a break before (you know where) bathroom before I could comment. That is so embarrassing and by the way…I hate the FEAKING PHONE as well…
My best,
Dorothy from grammology
remember to call gram
http://www.grammology.com
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Tee hee! Thanks for the Easter gift of a huge grin and giggle …. albeit at your expense! (um, sorry bout that)
I’ve done this kind of thing before…. except I did this sexy (or at least attempt at sexy) voice to my then boyfriend (now husband), only to discover it was actually his brother answering. ‘Twas veeeeeery embarrassing also!
Happy Easter T!
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One of the funnier things I’ve seen in while……lol!
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You are one Smooth Operator, dude.
Get it? SMOOTH OPERATOR? Bwahahahaha!
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Try warm water with lemon first thing in the morning…. Not that you asked…. And, s’okay, I answered the phone saying “’sup, bitch” to my friend’s mother, too!!!! Thought it was the friend, but, nope! Happy Easter, T!!! xoxo
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Howling over here…!
Before Hubs and I got married, we devised this brilliant plan in which we wouldn’t have sex for the WHOLE MONTH remaining until our wedding because that would make our wedding night so spectacular, blah, blah…
On the day we went to get our license we spent the drive back praising ourselves for how long we’d held out. We found out later that during this very graphic conversation, my soon-to-be spouse had accidentally dialed my parents on his cell phone.
We caved on the night before our wedding.
(I just finished reminding Hubs about this no-sex attempt on our part, and he inquired, “So is that what we’re doing now?” Poor guy. So deprived.)
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Wish I could have had Easter dinner at your house.
Waaay cooler than ham and The Simpsons Movie afterwards.
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Bwhahahahahahahaha! Only you T. Only you.
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Laughed my head off… as somebody whose mistaken Dirk Bogarde’s phone number for my best friends and told the shadow prime minister “f*ck off (insert BC’s brother’s name here) that’s a crap welsh accent” I can assure you I identify with this!
Cheers
BC
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OH this should have a warning: Do not read while you are trying to work! Trying to control myself before my co-workers wonder what I’m up to!
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We seem to have a land line just for the telemarketers. I don’t actually know of anyone else who calls that number.
So now, when the phone rings in the house I answer it with this:
[best recorded voice impression]: “Thank you for calling the Menlo Park telemarketer abuse line. Someone will be with you momentarily.”
I usually don’t get to the second sentence.
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When I was in college my roommate told me someone from Canadian Tire had been trying to get a hold of me. Forgetting I had a CT Master Card, I brushed it off as some telemarketer. One night at about 8.30, my friend Justin called, pretending to be representing Canadian Tire.
I knew it was him, so when he asked for me I said, “She’s not available right now. She’s in the other room having rough anal sex.” Justin sputtered and laughed nervously and stammered over his words, and that’s when I realized it wasn’t Justin, it was some poor teenage boy trying to talk to me about security options for my Master Card account.
I hung up and called Justin, who nearly died when I told him what I’d done. I still can’t live it down.
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this is hilarious … and do you know it reminds me of the day I said - actually screamed “p i s s off ” to my step Grandmother as a teenager (about 16 yrs old I was) - in Australia -you used to be able to call 199 or something and it made an extension at same address ring.
We had a lady living with her sons in a detached granny flat. Her older teenage sons were home alone and so was I … locked in the house of course.
They kept bugging my all night so I finally had enough and I did my block and dropped the Pee off - then ‘Nana K’ the good baptist christian said “I beg your pardon”… this was in good ole days when p *ss off was like the f bomb. I wet myself and almost cried !
I hung up and thankfully my parents let me off the hook … the old bag probably never forgive me. I hated those boys forever.
I have to post it .. thanks.
Ps I love the last picture !!!!
My Little Drummer boys
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HARR!!!!! damn i have a stitch in my side from laughing so much…
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