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Dear Self
Note to self:
When your handsome and delightfully thoughtful husband surprises you with an unexpected over-the-top romantic gesture while you are sitting on the couch in a stained tee shirt, grubby sweats and your hair resembling something insects may call home, perhaps it is in your best interest to can the smart talk and look directly into your husband’s baby blues and tell him how much you love him.
This would be preferable to the route you chose, asking him if this is a make up present for some wild night with an unknown toothless stripper that he is harbouring oodles of regret and guilt over while picking the underwear out of your butt crack.
Dear self, instead of asking who he paid to wrap the ridiculously small package with the pretty ribbon and sparkly paper, it would serve your best interests if you just told him how lovely the wrapping job was. Instead of reminding him that he has over-sized man hands with fingers that resemble large beefy sausages and how he can barely manage to pick his own nose let alone fumble with a roll of tape for the woman he unwisely professed his love to a decade ago.
Self, it may behoove you to just keep your freaking yap shut as your carefully unwrap the pretty package under your husband’s loving gaze. Just accept the fact that your husband is obviously more thoughtful and romantic than you and enjoy the moment. There is no need to remind your lovely man that he married an asshat. I’m sure he knows this rather well by now.
And dear self, when you finally open the small velvet box to reveal a beautiful set of diamond solitaire earrings that sparkle as though a million suns were caught and trapped beneath their glassy exterior just for you, perhaps it is in your best interest to just remain silent for a moment and revel in the love your husband is so willingly bestowing upon your sorry ass you.
That would have been a much wiser course of action than opening the box and having your jaw gape open, only to quickly recover and look at him and ask him, “How the hell did you pay for these?” in a screechy shrewish manner.
Dear self, while you gazed admiringly upon your new sparkly earrings and mentally kissed the days of having to wear cheap fake replicas purchased from Wal-mart goodbye, perhaps you should have just humbly said thank you to your darling husband and kissed him for his wonderful generosity.
Surely that would have been much nicer better than examining the jewels and remarking on how small the earrings looked in the box. Did you really have to tease your husband and ask him why he didn’t get you bigger stones? I mean, really Self, sometimes even I want to kick your ass.
It would have been much more to your benefit if you had simply tried the earrings on and commented to your fabulous husband on how large the earrings look in your ears. Because, as I’m sure you know Self, all men like to be told how large their stones are.
Perhaps next time, if you heed my fine advice dear Self, you will simply be able to bask in the joy of knowing your man loves you enough to surprise you with shiny expensive baubles as you enjoy gloating and bragging showing off your new trinket to all your friends.
Maybe next time you won’t have to break out the knee pads and faux leather whip while prancing around in killer stilettos in a desperate effort to pry your feet out of your mouth and earn the jewels already bestowed upon you.
Maybe next time dear Self, when you ask your darling husband if you’ve been a naughty girl and ask if you need a spanking, he won’t look you square in the eyes and say, “Don’t tempt me Tanis.”
Learn from me Self. I’m the dumbass with the shiny new sparkly diamonds and the slightly annoyed husband.
March 24th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Sweet!
And at least you figured out, how not to react when your husband actually DOES what many women wish their’s did.
Lucky girl you!
March 24th, 2008 at 10:37 am
Now we know why the truck was “vintage.”
March 24th, 2008 at 10:40 am
It must have been one heck of a week. Aside from remorse, are you feeling better now? Lucky woman!
March 24th, 2008 at 10:48 am
If only your damn inside voice would shut up and just stay in there once in a while huh? Thanks Tanis… this is a good lesson and reminder for me cus in about about oh… a year or so I might just get some beautiful romantic gesture thrown at me too and I’d more than likely fuck it up it up too - hopefully this little ditty will stick with me till then.
March 24th, 2008 at 10:54 am
I’ve done this many, many times. I think it’s a disorder.
March 24th, 2008 at 11:00 am
Oh dear…but really, they were legitimate questions…
He’s a sweetie, your Boo!
March 24th, 2008 at 11:16 am
You just described in detail what Christmas morning in my house was like. WTF is wrong with us? I mean I’m still telling myself what an idiot I can be.
March 24th, 2008 at 11:20 am
It may be small consolation, but rarely is a wife known to simply be grateful for a gift. She usually has to ask a million questions about value, cost, time, who was involved, et cetera, and thereby ruins the moment.
Ultimately, we husbands have come to expect this, and just hope that the babbling doesn’t last TOO long.
March 24th, 2008 at 11:24 am
I’m willing to bet you can think of a few bendy ways to make it up to him…
March 24th, 2008 at 11:36 am
But it just wouldn’t have been you then, would it?
March 24th, 2008 at 11:40 am
This is so me. We should go out and drive our Daisy Duke trucks together while our men drink and bitch about our ungrateful asses.
March 24th, 2008 at 11:54 am
But you DID end up with the jewels…right?
March 24th, 2008 at 11:57 am
At least you didn’t ask him if they could be returned because they were too expensive. Not saying I did anything like this at all…..
March 24th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
this is me. exactly.
i cannot just accept a gift. ever.
March 24th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Jesus, you sound like the Ghost of Christmas past, I hadn’t realized until reliving it through your telling, just what an ass I’d been.
Great, I just called you an ass, didn’t I? Shit.
March 24th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Dear self, please also remember not to put said earrings into the pocket of your jeans, telling yourself you’ll remember them later, when clearly they will end up in the washer and dryer, where one sad and lonely earring will be found in the lint trap while the other remains lost forever.
March 24th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
OOOH! What MammaLoves said.
March 24th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
I’d have done the same as you (without trying to make it up to him orally. No diamond is big enough for that!)
I’d have been imagining how many dinners it would take to pay for it, how many bill payments blah blah blah.
You dealt with it better than I could have.
March 24th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
What? No pictures?
March 24th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Oh for a rewind button, eh?
March 24th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Are we twins? We may be. On my 30th birthday, I threw this huge tantrum because my husband had just given me a freaking CARD and there was nothing special happening… and then five minutes later every single person we knew showed up, since he’d spent MONTHS organizing a surprise party. Gosh, I bet he was glad he did that, eh?
Yeah. Twins.
March 24th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Diamond solitaire earrings. For nothing ? Nice!
Please explain to me how I get my hubby to do that!
March 24th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Dear Tanis (And Tanis’s “Self”)
Where are the damn photos?
Love,
Loralee
March 24th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
You are soooooooooo lucky!
March 24th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
It really must be a women thing to question every gift. If my husband brings me a candy bar and I didn’t ask for it, I wonder what he did or what he wants! Lucky lady, diamonds! Photos please.
March 24th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Well, you are obviously doing something right if your husband brings you gifts! I never realized that when I said “I do”, I was actually saying “Now you don’t have to respect or appreciate me anymore.”
March 24th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
lmao
sorry, but ………. lmfao.
Maybe you need to slap yourself around a little?
March 24th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Cool.
March 24th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
You’re learning.
March 24th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Funny stuff.
March 24th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
Any sized diamond is a good diamond to have - especially when it’s a surprise.
March 24th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Eh? You talkin’ to me?
(Could’ve been. Except I’m so mean, I wouldn’t have broken out the stilettos. Which is probably a good thing, given my clumsiness. No need to injure the man after insulting him.)
March 24th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
Altho I am notoriously bad at accepting gifts, I am not THIS bad, T. This is bad. I have learned to fake a squeal and then keep my mouth closed.
March 25th, 2008 at 3:54 am
‘Self, it may behoove you’
Oh I adore that line.
I swear that man is a saint. And you get diamonds after that awesome car *snort*
So did he ask you first before he bought them? Because I think he has now surpassed the bedroom furniture purchase and you can ride his arse about this for AAAAGES!
March 25th, 2008 at 6:35 am
I’ve done my fair share of yapping before thinking. But I’m getting better. Now I just smile and nod.
March 25th, 2008 at 6:40 am
I love you. You might just be the most fabulous person I’ve ever met in my life. Or read about. Or whatever. I’m linking to you on my blog.
You are fab-oo.
March 25th, 2008 at 8:35 am
See, it is wives like you who are ruining it for the rest of us.
Kidding. I like that Boo has set the bar higher. I’ll tell my husband that he can’t just buy me off with potato chips and dish-duty anymore.
March 25th, 2008 at 9:17 am
So that’s why you got that guzzler, eh? He can’t afford a big shiny new pick ‘em up because of the bling he got you.
March 25th, 2008 at 9:54 am
Gurl, you KNOW how to make it up to him…
March 25th, 2008 at 10:30 am
Why, oh, why do we do that to ourselves? I’ve done that far too many times.
Must. Learn. To. Keep. Mouth. Shut. In. Order. To. Keep. Mouth. Shut.
He’s a special one, that Boo is. Where are the sparkly pics, hmmmm?
March 25th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Damn, T.
March 25th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Awwwww! He’s SO SWEET! And, YOU? Are just like me…. Ungrateful little beyotches!
March 25th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Love it!
March 25th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Ahhhhh lucky lady. First the sweet new truck (heh) and now this! That man is a keeper!! Is he still taking applications for a second wife LOL
March 25th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Husband gave me beautiful, large peridot earrings (all 3 of our brats were born in August- very sentimental & loving gesture referring to I’m the mother of his children sort of gift) recently. My dumb ass says “And where am I supposed to wear these to?” Note to self: just smile & say Thank you!
Stop by anytime. I’ll get you a glass of iced tea & you can put your feet up.
Confession of an Apron Queen: http://anapronaday.blogspot.com
March 25th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Um, what’s wrong with breaking out the whip and the stilettos? And I thought “tempting” him with a willing spankee was the idea.
Oh wait. That’s me. Nevermind.
See, now I know what to do to get what I want. I’ve been too nice. LOL.
(I’m with Loralee. Pictures!!)
March 25th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
The first Christmas my husband and I were together, I bought him diamond earrings. His comment? You know, for the same money, you could have gotten really BIG cubic zirconia. He has never made that mistake with my jewelry…lol.
March 25th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
I love it.
March 25th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Or maybe husband was hoping for exactly the reaction he got BECAUSE of the knee pads and whip? Sorta like a master plan.
Found you via BOSSY. You rule!
March 25th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
Oh, Boo! Nice one, dude. She didn’t mean it. Which you already knew.
March 25th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Been there, done that! I need to work on those issues myself.
March 25th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
BEWARE of a man handing over sparkling objects!!! It’s always a trap! lol!
March 25th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
girl, you know you are way past kneepads by now.
March 26th, 2008 at 5:55 am
Yes. I have the worst gift reactions. I hate the part of birthdays when people WATCH you open them. I’m doomed to failure.
March 26th, 2008 at 6:36 am
We can be our own worst enemy way too often. My husband is lucky, though. I never wear jewelry. My gift of choice? Technology. He’s like a kid in a candy store.
March 26th, 2008 at 6:39 am
Ha! We are the same person. Last night I did exactly the same thing and I can’t really write about it because people TOTALLY wouldn’t understand but yeah…me and you. Same person.
March 26th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
Wow T, nice going. Although I think Boo might start hoping you do that if your going to end up busting out the knee pads everytime.
March 26th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Mr. Peckercillian can’t get that offended by what you say.
March 28th, 2008 at 7:38 am
HAHAHA!
That’s hilarious! I’ll definitely keep this lesson in mind.
March 28th, 2008 at 7:52 am
I had a similar moment with a batch of homemade sugar cookies. Just because I don’t really like sugar cookies is no reason to ignore the love and care that went into them. He’s never baked me cookies again.
April 2nd, 2008 at 8:56 am
Good one. Reminds me of the time I bought my husband a surprise present (the StarWars trilogy) and left it in his sock drawer. Three months later, the realisation hit me I might have hidden it a bit too well so I had to tell him where it was.
Ah well…
Cheers
BC