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Be Amazed
My family and I know better than most that life can change in the blink of an eye. You know, burying small children and pulling chisels out of eyes and that sort of thing.
Yet I am constantly surprised and amazed by the fragility and beauty our lives hold, even during our most mundane moments.
The sheer intricacy of our body’s biology working every second of the day to allow us to take our children to badly made comedies or make an arse out of one’s self while proving to a bunch of ten year olds that this momma can bowl just as well as that fat dude two lanes over who throws strike after strike (I sooo totally sucked but at least my ass looked cuter than his as I bent over); is awe-inspiring when you stop to think about it.
I have stopped to think about it. A lot. I don’t know if it’s because I bought the kids a bunch of books about the marvels of the human body, or because I miss my son more than usual or because someone dear to me recently had a severe stroke.
I can’t stop imagining this sweet lady complaining about being tired and going to take a sip of her tea only to drop it down the front of her shirt. I can imagine the frustration and annoyance she would have felt as she looked down and saw what a mess she made and then looked across the room to see the television blaring on as her favorite hockey team, the Edmonton Oilers, skating for their chance to play in the NHL playoffs.
I can see her sigh as she started walking to her room to change her shirt. She would have hated to take any time away from her precious hockey game. She may even have waited for a commercial. I can envision her slowly unbuttoning her shirt while wondering if her headache would ever go away.
What I’m having a hard time with is picturing her sprawled out, face down, half on the bed half on the floor, when her daughter came into to find out what was taking her so long to change her shirt.
I’m having a hard time picturing her being loaded into an ambulance and rushed to the hospital.
I’m having a hard time blocking out the image of her slacken, twisted face as she barely clings to life.
I’m having a hard time coming to terms that I will never hear her laugh again or tease me about my hair or hold me tight and tell me again that God will help me through the pain.
In a blink of an eye, the mere whisper of a breath, her life and those who loved her, has inalterably changed. Forever. Her biology failed her. Like my son’s failed. Like inevitably, yours and mine will fail us.
I had to walk past the floor where Bug spent most of the first couple of years of his life to say goodbye to my friend. Memories of forgotten moments with my son flooded my senses as I drew in the familiar scent of hospital air and viewed the same tired scenery I stared at for more hours of my life than I care to count.
I was at once saddened and overcome with gratitude to have this small sliver of my son’s life back.
Until I had to walk past the same emergency room that took my son and never gave him back.
Then I was just another vacant soul wandering the empty halls of the hospital, trying to keep my grief in check and the tears well held behind my tired eyes.
I had to say goodbye to a dear friend who always had a smile and kind words for everyone. Life has once again changed in the blink of an eye.
The blink of her eye.
I’m taking today to spend with my kids. I’m going to revel in the constant beat of our hearts and other biological wonders pointed out in the books my children like to pore over at the breakfast counter.
I’m going to take the moment to be amazed.
Because life really is amazing. No matter what the next blink brings.
March 28th, 2008 at 9:25 am
Oh, honey. I just don’t know what to say. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Thanks for reminding me, amidst your terrible grief, how amazing life truly is. You and your family are in my thoughts.
March 28th, 2008 at 9:31 am
Enjoy the day with your children !!
March 28th, 2008 at 9:36 am
Oh, Tanis, I’m sorry.
March 28th, 2008 at 9:42 am
Iam so sorry to hear this. I had lost my grandmother a little over a month ago and it hurts so bad. I see the rocker she would sit at and I just cant help but to think of her. She had heart failure (or so they say) and she died peacefully in the hospital. But you know what, for how hard it is right now, I have to try and think of the good things. That is the only thing keeping me going right now and my daughter who always brightens my day up. If it wasnt for her I think id be rock bottem by now. Iam very sorry for your losses and I will make sure to keep you in my prayers.
March 28th, 2008 at 9:43 am
I’m so sorry, honey.
March 28th, 2008 at 9:47 am
Beautifully written. I’m sorry to hear of your friend’s stroke. My thoughts are with you.
March 28th, 2008 at 9:48 am
I’m so sorry. She sounds like a remarkable person.
March 28th, 2008 at 9:50 am
Hugs and prayers, honey. It’s how we help others, and it’s how we ourselves make it through each day. I’m so sorry for your loss(es). That was a beautifully and well-written post.
~Brea
March 28th, 2008 at 9:56 am
Thank you for blessing me with your insight today….I too will be amazed today. ((((HUGS)))) for you and your family.
March 28th, 2008 at 10:00 am
I am so sorry about your friend and that you were back in that hospital. I have been there. Strokes are crazy scary things and I live in absolute fear of them (I have a clotting disorder, so reading things like this tend to make me panic). I will think about all of you today. Loves, hugs, and sloppy kisses.
March 28th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Thanks for putting it all into perspective for me . I quoted you on my blog…if that isn’t ok, please let me know!!! (I’m really new to this and trying to learn blog-etiquette. http://yayasmom.blogspot.com/2008/03/ok-so-its-haiku-friday-shamelessly.html
March 28th, 2008 at 10:09 am
such a beautiful post about a sad part of life… sending peaceful thoughts your way.
March 28th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Condolences and prayers are being sent to you from my heart.
March 28th, 2008 at 10:26 am
So very very sorry Tanis. Hug the kids from me and B. Hug them close.
March 28th, 2008 at 10:35 am
You are never more inspiring and full of grace than when you talk about your Bug.
March 28th, 2008 at 10:42 am
I’m sitting here pondering how you are able to keep it all together and thinking you’re absolutely right–it’s in being amazed at what we do have that we often carelessly overlook.
I’m sorry you had to say goodbye to your friend–she sounds like she was a wonderful person. A lot like you.
March 28th, 2008 at 10:49 am
I’m so sorry!
March 28th, 2008 at 11:02 am
I’m so sorry for your loss.
March 28th, 2008 at 11:42 am
So sorry about your friend. My thoughts are with you.
March 28th, 2008 at 11:45 am
It’s comforting to know that there are people around who are as strong as you.
March 28th, 2008 at 11:55 am
Lovely and poignant post. I sometimes struggle with belief that there is a God out there, a higher power. Why is there so much pain in this world? So much tragedy? Then there are times when I know we can’t be given any more than we can bear.
Someone out there realizes you are one strong woman. Hang in there.
You’ve made me realize once again how really fragile life is. I need to get that pap smear I’ve been putting off for three years. Biology breaks down when you least expect it.
March 28th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Thank you, Tanis, that was beautiful. So sorry for your heart-ache. Perhaps by sharing you can spread it out amongst us.
March 28th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Jeez. Too heavy for me. Can’t you go back to hair pictures?
March 28th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Oh sweet girl. I’m so sorry.
Be gentle with you today, and hug those children of yours tight. Sneak in and sniff behind their ears and breathe in deep that sweet scent that is theirs alone….
and know that I’m thinking of you.
March 28th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Oh, friend. I am sorry for your loss.
You never look at death the same way again, do you? A hard, horrible lesson.
And how amazing YOU are, to recognize how precious it all is.
March 28th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Go be in the moment.
March 28th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
What a beautifully written post. I’m so sorry for the sad news.. I hope the day with your children makes it a little bit easier.
March 28th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
I wish I could say something other than sorry. Tanis. I am amazed at your strength.
March 28th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
I am always amazed. I will always be amazed and I love the words you use to put it all in perspective.
March 28th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
T, YOU are one of the amazingly good things in this world. This post is wise beyond words.
Sending you a bucketload of jellylove
XO
March 28th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
I”m so sorry. My thoughts are with you.
March 28th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
I wish there was something I could say besides sorry, and I wish you all peace, but there really isn’t.
I am so sorry, Tanis. Hug your kids. Live in the moment. It really IS amazing. Peace be with you and your friend’s family.
March 28th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Thinking of you.
March 28th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
I’m so sorry, Tanis. Walking those halls, heavy with another loss on top of the heaviest loss of all, must be so hard.
I’m in A&P this semester and I am continually amazed. The human body? It is a work of art.
March 28th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Tanis I’m so sorry to read of this, but I thank you for the perspective.
Sending mental hugs from a stranger to you, but no stranger to loss.
{{{HUGS}}}
March 28th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
i’ve lost some of that amazement this week, so thank you. xo
March 28th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
again, i am amazed.
also by your ability to say it so eloquently and without the liberal use of fuck.
impressive.
March 28th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
hugs.
March 28th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
Tanis, I’m so sorry about your friend. Yesterday I was feeling so sad and overwhelmed about all the bad things that have happened to me and my loved ones. I was already feeling better today, but this post was a much needed kick in the behind. I’m not the only one who’s had it rough.
Now, instead of reading more blogs and saying “in a minute”, I’m going to play with my daughter and the pots and pans, pizza slicer, meat hammer, ladels and so on that she just dragged out from the kitchen.
March 28th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
I am so sorry for your loss. This brought tears to my eyes.
But I am so happy that you are, taking the time to enjoy the life you have, and the life Fric and Frac have. Sometimes, we take that for granted, and I’m so glad you reminded me.
I just recently found out I was pregnant, and the life, thats growing inside me.. I’m going to rejoice in that today too.
Thank you.
March 28th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
So, so very sorry Tanis. You have such an amazing way with words. Big hugs to you.
March 28th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
My heart goes out to you… you are completely right. Hold onto the moments that matter. It won’t stop it hurting, but it will offer a little solace and beauty in the awfulness of grief.
Hugs
Bush Babe
March 28th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
I am so sorry for your loss.
I had to go to a funeral today (41 yr old healthy guy, heart attack at work)
and I just wanted to say thank you, I needed to read this today, and here it was….going to hug my kids now
March 28th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Tanis, you’re an amazing woman with an unbounded ability to love and appreciate everything life has to give us. Thank you.
March 28th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Tomorrow I finally get to say goodbye to my Grandma. Who died in the same hospital, same floor as my Nanna two years before. Both from stroke.
This post touched me. Yes, I need to wonder in the wonders of this life, not wonder where they are. Wonder in the life that Grandma lived and celebrate her life.
Thanks babe, I feel bad that your pain made me feel a little better.
March 28th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
What is also amazing is how some of us handle what life throws at you.
You are inspiring.
March 28th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
oh, hon. I’m so, so sorry to hear this. It seems like loss is rampant right now - Mimi just wrote of a young father lost to sher accident today, too. You’re right, it’s easy to forgt how complex everything is, how very many things have to run just right for us to carry on as normal. Hugs to you and your friend’s family.
March 28th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
My condolences and prayers are with you.
March 28th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
((Hugs))
March 28th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
My thoughts are with you sweetie!!
March 28th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
I’m so very sorry. *hugs*
March 28th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
I’ve been thinking along the same lines recently; not because of anything specific that has happened, but rather perhaps in the distinct absence of heartwrenching life alterations at this moment. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, and clinging desperately to my little monkeys as though the cloud will burst over our heads at any moment.
I’m so very sorry for what you have lost. Hugs, indeed.
March 28th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
I’m so sorry about your friend’s stroke and the loss of your dear Bug.
And, thank you so much for this post. It is truly beautiful. Leah
March 29th, 2008 at 12:31 am
**Hugs** Tanis.
I do know how hard this is to go through. I’m so sorry for your loss 
March 29th, 2008 at 4:01 am
Powerful Post.
((hugs))
March 29th, 2008 at 7:59 am
Please accept my most sincere condolences for the awful situation that your friend is in right now. My prayers to her, her family and friends, you, your family, and your angel child.
It is funny how quickly life can change. In the blink of an eye, your life can change. A cancer diagnosis to a single mother of two young children…a cancer diagnosis to a beloved mother and grandmother who has worked hard all of her life…a stroke that robs the abilities but not the mind of a grandmother who is the source of strength for her entire family…an unexpected fall that robs a family of an unexpected pregnancy…
My prayers go out to everyone that is experiencing sorry in their life.
March 29th, 2008 at 8:46 am
((Hugs))
March 29th, 2008 at 11:35 am
I’m so sorry, hon. Does it sound too cliche to mention that you had some wonderful times with her and how lucky you both were for that relationship? Yeah, probably. But I can’t help myself from saying that sh*t sometimes.
Big hugs from me to you.
March 29th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
This was beautifully written. I am so sorry. There is one poem I really like and it makes me feel strong when I feel like I can no longer stand up.
“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge
- myth is more potent than history
-dreams are more powerful than facts -
hope always triumphs over experience -
laughter is the cure for grief -
love is stronger than death”
I’m not sure who wrote it but I thought it would be nice to share it with you. My prayers are with you ~ Jamie
March 29th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
I’m so sorry.
March 29th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Big hugs to you a I am so sorry for your pain and the devastating loss of your friend.
March 29th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
I’m sorry redneck.
March 29th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
*big hugs*. I’m so sorry. I hope you had a wonderful day with your kids.
March 29th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Oh Honey, I’m so sorry.
Big love from me!
March 29th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
Yes, it is an amazing gift.
I’m so sorry.
Hug those kiddos tight, don’t let go unless you have to.
March 30th, 2008 at 5:48 am
So sorry for your loss.
March 30th, 2008 at 5:56 am
I’m so sorry, Tanis. I will strive to be amazed today and every day.
March 30th, 2008 at 7:02 am
I’m so sorry.
You’re right, life is amazing. To quote from one of my favorite movies “Life goes by pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. “
March 30th, 2008 at 7:37 am
You’re a strong woman, Tanis.
March 30th, 2008 at 8:12 am
(i feel a little wrong destroying your comment tally of 69, which i’m sure must be entertaining you…)
but just wanted to say that a) i’m so very sorry about your friend, and b) i had a hospital memory lane trip rather along those lines myself this past week, and…well…you’ve helped remind me of some of the positive in it, the appreciation.
xo
March 30th, 2008 at 9:04 am
I am so very sorry. I truly hope and pray your friend makes a speedy recovery from the stoke. You are so right, things can change in the blink of an eye, keep holding your children close, sometimes that’s all we can do to keep ourselves from going crazy. Please take care.
March 30th, 2008 at 9:52 am
Heather, Etahn’s Mom, told me about your blog, and I am happy she did. This is beautifully written and articulate as well as one of the most descriptive pieces of writing I have seen in a while. Thank you!
6 months ago I had a medical implosion (stroke, , lung, heart complications and a laundry list of other things go all at once). Prior to that I ran marathons and ate only great food. I was on life support for about 2 weeks and so they to they parked me in a drug induced coma till they could figure me out. When I came out, I was profoundly deaf.
It changed my life and way I look at life. It made me realize how those little annoyances that used to piss me off, are part of life, and I wish I hadn’t waisted my hearing life in anger some days.
Thank you for your post.
I will be a regular
David
March 30th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
I’m so sorry to hear about your beloved friend, Tanis.
{{{{hugs}}}}
I’m encouraged to see you actively looking for the beauty and finding things to be thankful for, in spite of life’s pitfalls. xoxo
March 30th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
I read recently (on a blog, of course) that grieving for people should be more about recounting our love and how they made our lives more amazing and celebrating the life and defining how large our loss is - and less about stiff upper lips and trying not to cry and not letting the children see as it may scare them.
I loved your post and it is so, so true. Biology is amazing and magical - and fallible.
March 30th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
I had to say goodbye to my dad in an ICU room on Saturday morning. I had to hold my brother while he said his.
I am sharing that blank eyed pain with you today dear girl.
March 30th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Oh, sweetheart.
It’s magical and terrible and horrifying and awe-inspiring all at once. And sometimes, it’s just not fucking fair.
I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved friend. I wish I had anything better to say, other than I understand the grief and horror very well. Don’t hesitate to holler if you need something. No one has accused me of having a sexy voice, but you probably won’t think I’m a dude when I pick up.
March 30th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
things definitely can change in a moment..my thoughts and prayers are with you.
March 30th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
I’m so sorry. Thanks for the reminder to cherish what we have for as long as we have it.
March 30th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Yes. Yes. Yes.
(((you)))
March 30th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
My best to you…
March 31st, 2008 at 3:34 am
I am so sorry for the loss of your special friend,Tanis … I wrote a post about stroke warning signs recently and it reminded me of how fragile life is.
A friend of mine lost her life to a stroke whilst in hospital even not long after she gave birth to her first living child.
I am thinking of you for Bug too - he was a very precious little guy.Loving and bittersweet memories will always be with you and at times like this especially. Hugs.
March 31st, 2008 at 6:18 am
I’m so sorry for your losses. Huge. Unimaginable. Hug on your children. And yourself.
March 31st, 2008 at 7:32 am
I join the chorus of others who are so sorry for your friend and for your loss. You have an incredible gift of drawing people into your life and make us feel like we’re part of the story. My prayers with your friend’s family and yours.
Christian
March 31st, 2008 at 7:52 am
My condolences on the loss of your friend. Knowing she’s in a better place and happy doesn’t really help you not miss her does it? I still miss my grandmother. Hang in there. You’re doing good.
March 31st, 2008 at 8:04 am
oh Tanis what a beautiful post.i’m sorry about your dear friend.i hope she had a beautiful full life.thanks for reminding me to appreciate all the gifts i have been given.
March 31st, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Tanis. Wow.
You never cease to touch and amaze.
Wow.
Thank you for this.
April 1st, 2008 at 12:15 pm
I sure wish life would get easier.
I’m so sorry.
April 1st, 2008 at 6:59 pm
You know what? YOU are amazing.
I’m so sorry for your loss…. ((warm hug))
April 2nd, 2008 at 4:32 am
I’ve been where you are right now. I’ve been there too many times. However, in all those times, I’ve never been able to see the silver lining the way you have. You are an inspiration to anyone who reads your words.
I send you a virtual hug for your friend, for your Bug, and for you. Enjoy your day with Fric and Frac - you all deserve it.
{{{{You}}}}
April 2nd, 2008 at 9:16 am
I’m sorry to hear about your friend. For what it’s worth (probably not much) it must have been quick. There was no deterioration, very little suffering, she died pretty much in the midst of life, the way she would want to be remembered. There one moment, gone the next. Tough for you but for her that’s not bad…
As for Bug, as Nancy just said, that’s an impressively positive view.
It must have been a pretty crap day, I hope today is better.
Cheers
BC
April 6th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
I am grateful, to have found you, and honored to read your blog. I also understand, and practise the ”healing powers” of laughter & tears. I Thank you!
May 7th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Hug those kids hard. And let them hug you back.