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Tanis Tours Toronto
I’m a shy gal. Oh, I know, I talk a good game, but when push comes to shove, I am nothing but that stringy haired, knobby kneed little girl who is afraid to be picked last for a game of kick ball at recess.
With that in mind, I was trying really hard to block out the fact that flying across the country to meet a group of bloggers, most of whom I have never met before, was kind of like a big blind date.
A blind date where you stand around looking for the man with a rose who doesn’t show up, leaving you to go home and drown your sorrows in a pint of ice cream while trying to shake the feeling that nobody wanted you on for that imaginary game of kick ball.
Ya. Can you tell I won the Miss Confidence crown somewhere along the path of growing up?
Heh.
Perhaps I wouldn’t have been so nervous if I hadn’t pressed snooze a million times and only had time to quickly shower and grab my bags before making the long drive to the airport.
Perhaps my confidence would have been bolstered if, while in the public restroom of the airport trying to slap on some makeup, the lady next to me stood washing her hands didn’t comment about how large the bags underneath my eyes were and how it must be hard to find a good concealer to hide them.
Be-yotch.
So I got off to a rocky start on my Redneck road trip.
I knew things were going to start looking up the moment I was in the air. I could feel it. At least that’s what I kept chanting to myself as I approached the security gates.
BEEP.
Shit. I set off the metal detector. The security officer looked at me, sighed and waved his magic wand over my body.
BEEP.
“Ma’am, please go back and walk through the detector again.”
BEEP.
“It’s my jeans. They have metal buttons on them,” I half explained, half pleaded, while trying not to sweat through my shirt. I could feel the eyes of all the annoyed passengers on me as the security dude waved his wand up and down my body again.
BEEP. BEEP.
“I’m going to have to pat you down,” he told me as he started to molest me. By this time, I had visions of being stripped searched in the bathroom and could hear the snap of the ole rubber gloves.
The security dude carefully examined my shoes and my legs and was satisfied I wasn’t packing any bombs or guns in my denim and stood up to wave the wand on my upper body.
BEEP.
Oh shit. My tits, I thought as the crowd started to get more annoyed with me.
“I have a few well placed body piercings,” I stammered as he kept waving the wand over my chest.
BEEP. BEEP.
“I’m going to have to, um, pat you down,” he apologized as he set his wand down.
Great. The most action I have had in weeks and it’s by some dude who speaks broken english and didn’t even buy me dinner first. I love my life.
Just then, the guy standing behind me waiting to clear the detectors piped up, “I’ll pat her down for you if you don’t want too!”
Titters rippled through the crowd and I turned around to shoot him a death look. Freaking pervert.
The security dude quickly patted my chest while not making eye contact and then satisfied with my er, guns, he waved me through.
Bending down to retrieve my shoes, I looked at him and asked him if it was as good for him as it was for me.
He didn’t laugh.
And so began my trip to Toronto.
After being elbowed in the ribs a dozen or more times by the dude sitting next to me on the plane, I was ready to let the good times roll.
Good times which included getting lost in the airport for 45 minutes, wandering around looking for an exit and freaking the fack out that I wouldn’t recognize Mama Tulip, who had offered to pick me up.
i just about cried with relief when suddenly she appeared in the crowded masses and saved me from going home with some scary looking man who had just offered to “show me the best Toronto had to offer.”
Aside from the pouring rain, the constant smell of cat pee (love a big city) and my jangled nerves, I was so excited to start my tour. Mama Tulip soothed me with her sexy voice and beautiful smile. It was all I could do to keep from grabbing her boobs. The thought of her kicking me out of her car and me having to live under a bridge and become a squee-gee kid kept me in line.
We found our way to Metro Mama’s home and I worried if my country bumpkin status was showing when I couldn’t stop cooing over her fabulous hip and urban home.
“Gosh dang it, we don’t have such fancy thangs out west,” I repeated in awe as I was dazzled with big city life and her beautiful home. “I can’t believe how purdee the streets are. Back home, a pile of moose poop qualifies as yard decorations.” I am sooo sophisticated. I just couldn’t seem to shut.the.hell.up.
Her husband, McHotty was probably wondering what turnip truck I fell off and how his wife managed to find me.
As the hour crept closer to the big blogger meet up, my nervous twitch became more pronounced. Tulip began to wonder if I had Turrets and Metro was worried I may make a run for the border.
Nothing like walking into a fancy bar wearing a ten dollar shirt and a pair of baggy jeans to bolster one’s self-confidence.
My heart threatened to beat right out of my chest as I made my way into our private lounge. Twenty-five sets of eyes turned to look at me just as I felt my underwear wedge up my ass.
Good times.
Thankfully, God invented beer.
Even better, God invented great bloggers. I had a blast despite being jet-lagged, over-emotional and sporting the worst wedgie I’ve ever known.
It was an amazing experience to put faces to the words I have read, and for blogs to suddenly become people . It was worth the public molestation, the rain and my nervous twitch.
These people were no longer readers or commenters or writers; they became my friends. Offline and in real life. Friends I know I will cherish always.
That alone was worth the suffering through the wedgie that wanted to floss it’s way up to my navel.
I can’t wait to do it again.
But next time, I’m going commando.
April 15th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Couldnt you have requested a woman to check your “guns”? All of us male readers would have rather read the story with a female security officer doing the pat down.
Yes, we are pigs.
April 15th, 2008 at 9:44 am
I see you thoughtfully omitted the wake-up call you made to HBM…
…and that monster fart you let out just before you woke up.
April 15th, 2008 at 9:45 am
It was so good to see you again, if only for a while! I only wish you could make it to BFF in July, which is a good few DAYS! And honestly, you looked terrific, so never sweat that part, though I know it’s tough to let go, because I’m a shy gal myself.
April 15th, 2008 at 10:01 am
Sounds like great fun! If you had delayed your trip for a week you would have had delicious weather this weekend. Ah well, it’s more about the company, right?
April 15th, 2008 at 10:06 am
I’ve done it in too and it’s just like you described (well, without the nipple rings).
April 15th, 2008 at 10:14 am
I’ve come to know and love HBM’s boobs, too. They are spectacular. It was really great hanging out with you in T.O. Too bad there weren’t any trannies on duty at Zelda’s!
April 15th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Sounds like you had a good time despite the pat down, the wedgie and the wake up call you left. heh.
You have nothing on me when it comes to country. I have the southern accent to go with all the idiot words that spill out of my mouth.
April 15th, 2008 at 10:45 am
It flew past waay too quickly. I wish I’d been able to spend more time with you!
Thank-you for the lovely gift! Miss you already.
xxoo
April 15th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Long time lurker coming out to comment.
That was a hilarious description of the trip, esp through security. It sounds like it was a fabulous weekend for all involved, once the random groping and elbowing was over!
April 15th, 2008 at 11:08 am
you were nervous? you are gorgeous, smart, funny and from where i stood, majorly… gifted.
we were lucky, lucky, lucky to have you. xo.
April 15th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Sounds like it was well worth getting molested in the airport.
April 15th, 2008 at 11:39 am
I was really great to finally meet you in person! I’m a faithful reader (even if my mommy-mush brain lets me down in the comments department). I hope you can come to TO again sometime, so that we can have more of a chance to chat.
April 15th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Let me apologize for the stupid virus that thwarted my promise to be there if you came to Toronto. I feel so badly that I couldn’t make it. Probably worse than is socially appropriate, but oh well.
April 15th, 2008 at 11:47 am
It was so nice meeting you too!
Wait. That was my dream..um, nevermind. But didn’t we really go on a double date with George Clooney and Brad Pitt? Again, my bad, must of been me dozing off to Oceans 11 last night.
Did you hear about the chick that got handed pliers to take out her tit rings? True story happened about 2 weeks ago I believe. See? Your airport experience could of been SO much funner!
April 15th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Male TSA employees aren’t allowed to pat down female passengers. They are supposed to call for a female assist. You’ve been violated!
April 15th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
It was so nice to meet you! And you didn’t seem one bit nervous! Hopefully you can make your way back to T.O one day!!
April 15th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
You didn’t enjoy the pat down?
Huh! I probably would have but I’m sick like that.
Man, I am SOOOOOO jealous. I wish I could have been there and heard about the monstrous fart.
Which I’m sure was released with class and aplomb. Or something.
April 15th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
I grudgingly concede that you DO indeed, have a finer rack than me.
Damn you.
April 15th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Jealous. So, so jealous.
When are you coming to Texas?
April 15th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Glad you a had such a wonderful time!
April 15th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Nice. INternational Airport security guys are SO FULL of personality! Looks like you may have had a good time, but I gotta hear some stories! Someone MUST of made an ass of themselves!
April 15th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Just like everything else you AND I have done in life - THAT WAS WAAAAAAY TOO FAST.
Miss ya’ already - xo
April 15th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
oh, WHATEVER
(sulking)
April 15th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
“thank goodness for beer” I believe that was my favorite line in the post.
It is nerve wracking meeting blogger friends in real life… but ultimately it’s been some of the best times I’ve had in a while!
April 15th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
That went by waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too fast.
Miss you already xoxo
April 15th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
I love you. That is all.
April 15th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
If only they had made you take them out. hehe.
Seriously, what is with HBM pushing her boobs in everyone’s face these days?
HA.
April 15th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
Next time…, I WILL BE THERE! Sorry I missed you. Wahhh.
April 15th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
*pouting*
I want to live in Toronto.
April 15th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
All I can say is that you better be commando at BlogHer, missy!!!
April 15th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
You are way too hot to be nervous about meeting new people. That aside, It was really nice to meet you, and I wish we had more time to chat. So many bloggers, so little time. Hopefully your sponsor will send you out for another round again some time.
Our city smells like cat pee?
April 15th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
i ALWAYS go commando. it’s the only way to go
you are all kinds of awesome, my dear. i needed more time with you, though. COME BACK!
April 15th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Now that you have survived the insanity of “The Big Smoke” (my former hometown) I would like to ask you to consider having a shin dig with your more local blog gang of which I would love to partake. We could paint a big swath through the capital region I think !!!
April 15th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
Yes, nice to meet you.
I had a good time.
I am shy, you are not.
April 15th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Glad to hear they let you through with your nipple rings still attached…when I got to that part of the story, I was afraid the next paragraph would involve pliers!
April 15th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
*insanely jealous!*
April 15th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
So weird. You don’t come off as being shy at all. Shoot, last year at BlogHer I was intimidated as hell by you. You’re all hot and confident looking. Guess next time I see you I’ll just have to feel you up now–you know to put you at ease and all.
Glad you had fun.
April 15th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
Thoughts:
Our city smells like cat pee?
You said, “gosh darn it”… giggle
You are tall.
Your shirt… well… no comment. Tats were great.
There is no way that guy should have patted you down at the airport! Send a complaint letter and threaten to sue… See if they’ll give you free tickets to something or a get through the metal detector free pass…
As for the evening, we would have loved to have spent more time talking to you but realizing that there were so many people who tok pictures with your face last time we all got together, that it didn’t seem right monopolizing your time… So next time!
UrbanMummy and I can double team ya.
April 15th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
I’m jealous and why didn’t you title the post, Tannis Does Toronto?
April 16th, 2008 at 2:06 am
*sigh* I am still hiding the fact that I am a blogger from my friends and family. The only other blogger around these parts I know of is one of my kids teachers and I am not about to out myself to that freakozoid.
I wanna meet cool bloggers! I just doesn’t count looking in the mirror and saying “Hey! Love your BLOG!”
But glad that you had a wonderful time babe, anytime you are in Australia you can come and stay here. We have cows and stuff down the road to make you feel at home.
April 16th, 2008 at 5:53 am
T, if you ever come to the Washington, DC area, our local bloggers, like mammaloves, lawyer mama, and others, will make sure that you have a good time… but, I have to say, that despite my love for you, I won’t be feeling you up.
Staying on that subjecty of r a moment, in all seriousness, I don’t know what your laws ore on the subject, but there is no effing way that security person should have been copping a feel, just to ensure that you really were wearing nipple rings. That is so wrong on every level. Mind you, I’m envious, but all of my lawman boundaries are totally violated by this.
April 16th, 2008 at 7:28 am
Being a big scary guy, bald and built like a small continent, I have no frame of reference to you being assaulted by security. Other than if I had witnessed it, I would have protested. No one should be inappropriately touched by anyone. Regardless of airline safety or what.
But it sounds like the rest of the weekend was cool. Glad that that part was good.
Namaste.
April 16th, 2008 at 7:31 am
Good for you overcoming your shyness! That’s why I don’t got to Blogher! I’m a wimp. One day, one day. It’s sounds like such fun to get together with fellow bloggers!
April 16th, 2008 at 9:39 am
My god there are a lot of great bloggers in Toronto! And I don’t believe you’re shy! It’s amazing how many of us come off as being far more outgoing on the computer than we are in real life. Glad you had a good time.
April 16th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Awwww, it was SOO NICE to see you, too! (I’m guessing you’re shy like me: freaking the fack out but managing to fake it, huh? Well done.) You really must have these hellish east-bound flights more often …
April 16th, 2008 at 11:42 am
You tell the best stories…and seriously?
Bending down to retrieve my shoes, I looked at him and asked him if it was as good for him as it was for me.
bwahahhaahha! Serves him right..
April 16th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Okay, I’m waiting for you to come back and admit that the inspector at the airport didn’t really cop a big ol’ handful of “Redneck Rack”–that it was just to make a better story. There’s a difference between the hyperbole that we’ve come to love and admire, and an assertion of physical assault.
However, if I’m wrong–that is, we’re NOT talking hyperbole or embellishment–that inspector–guilty bastard that he is–needs to be called out, publicly identified, humiliated, and scorned; given a fair trial, and then hanged by his little pink wobblies until he realizes the error of his ways–at which time he needs to fired and deported to Iran where they have ways of “dealing” with pervs like him.
But, sounds like you had some serious good fun once you got regrounded. Would love to hear more details.
April 16th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
It does look like a penis….
You looked totally hot and sharing that stool with you was the highlight of my life. If that shirt was ten bucks you need to teach me how to shop.
April 16th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
And once again… I adore you. See, you pull people in, you are bloggasmness in action. I huge puffy heart you.
Thanks for the giggles, the tears and the bad assedness that is you.
I think I’d turn into a 12 yr old pre=pubescent voice cracking hormone wacky kid if I ever met my bloggy goddess’ such as yourself.
April 16th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
That sounds like so much fun! Maybe one of these days I’ll go to one those shindigs.
April 16th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Reason #17 that I’m not going to get a penis piercing: skeezy security airport security guards who want to grab a big ol’ handful.
April 16th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
I wish I could have chatted a bit more with you! Hey, I am originally from Alberta via Vancouver. Your friendliness betrays you as being from out west…..
April 16th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
I don’t know if I believe that you were nervous or if you were wearing underwear. You hid that well. I wish I had more time to hang out with you hotties.
April 16th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Sh*t, you mean my piercings are going to set off the metal detector??? That never freaking occurred to me!
Sounds like you had a great time (considering). I’ve made my Hubs promise and swear (stick a needle in his eye) that I WILL get to meet and hang out with some of my blogging buddies before I die. Yes, I have a list of things that he has to promise to me… it’s my “before I die you will make sure I get to” list
April 16th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Am trying to decide which is funnier — your post or the comments … omg, am cracking up!!
April 17th, 2008 at 6:20 am
I can’t believe the guy didn’t smoke a cigarette. And, he didn’t laugh when you asked if it was good for him? That would’ve been one of those priceless moments I would’ve paid to see.
April 17th, 2008 at 8:21 am
I am fairly new to your blog, but i have been enjoying each and every post, love your sense of humor. You`re having a great time and that is wonderful but, i can`t wait untill you get back from your trip. i`m selfish that way.
April 17th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Having my tits go off was a huge fear of mine while flying the last 2 weeks. Didn’t happen though, and definitely go commando! I believe underwear was invented by guys… otherwise they would stay out of our cracks!
April 17th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
How I wish I lived closer to Toronto. It’s hard to believe there exists such a confluence of fabulousness.
April 24th, 2008 at 6:58 am
I feel for you with the frisking thing. Over here they have a man and a woman and when I set off the beeper the woman steps forward and frisks me.
Cheers
BC