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Here’s a Hint
I look forward to Boo coming home. Really, I do. It’s nice to have a man around to hold me take out the garbage.
But now that he’s home, I wouldn’t mind seeing the tail lights of his car drive down my driveway as he hits the road.
My loving husband is driving me nuts.
Between fighting him off every two seconds last night as he groped for my boobs, putting up with his perpetual requests for a blowjob and having to defend myself as to why there were no towels in the bathroom when he got out of the shower, I’m ready to be a semi-single mother once again.
I mean, dude. Really. It’s not like there were no clean towels. It was just that I forgot to put them away after washing, drying and folding them. They were sitting neatly folded on top of the dryer which you would have noticed when you walked into the laundry room to toss your dirty clothes on the floor (instead of the hamper neatly sitting two feet away) had you opened your eyes.
Or stopped thinking of blowjobs for all of two seconds.
Please don’t hold me responsible for the lack of butter in the house. I don’t cook. How the hell should I know if we don’t have any butter? Or milk. (Heh.)
There was beer. That ought to count for something. I should get points for thinking of you.
When I asked what you wanted for your belated birthday supper and you waggled your eyebrows and said a love taco, I thought you meant MEXICAN food. Not sex. Sheesh.
Don’t be mad at me just because as you pulled down your pants to hang your willy in my face and made lewd comments about having something good to suck on your daughter walked in. I was on the couch trying to read blogs and ignore the tube steak being waved in front of my nose. I didn’t ask you to tug the Pickle out to play show and tell.
Keep your snake in the grass so I don’t have to lie to your daughter and tell her you were just showing me how your zipper keeps slipping down.
When your son asks if I want to play with his brand new juggling balls that is not an invitation to grin like a mad man and offer me your balls to play with.
I don’t know if you know this, but our kids, they aren’t two and three anymore. They are growing up. They know what you mean. They are starting to figure out that their parents are perverts.
This is my polite way of telling you that you need to stop threatening to tie me up and spank me for being such a naughty girl when our kids are hanging on our every word.
With my luck one of our beloved demon spawn is going to start prattling on to his or her teacher about how their daddy likes to punish their mommy in the bedroom.
I’ve already got a reputation. Let’s not add to it shall we?
And when I ask you to pick up strawberries, ice cream and some whipping cream it is for the cake I baked for your birthday. It is not an summons for seduction and sex games thirty minutes before our dinner guests are scheduled to arrive.
Unless of course you are offering to scrub out the guest toilet and quickly vacuum so they don’t know we are sloths. Then I may be inclined to show my gratitude in a horizontal position.
But you didn’t offer. Too bad for you.
I love my husband. Really, I do. But somehow he seems to have mistakenly confused me for some local nymphomaniac porn star while he was away at work.
Twenty four more hours and then I’m home alone again.
It seems like an eternity.
Damn I suck as a wife.
Just not in the way Boo would like.
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:49 am
I couldn’t help but smile, reading this post, because your husband acts exactly like mine! I feel so sorry for you, lol.
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:50 am
Poor Boo.
I wish I could offer him some advice, like: “Go read either ‘Porn for Women’ or ‘Porn for New Moms’ “.
But then he’d never be able to get YOU off of HIM. And a dude’s just gotta have some “me-time” every now and then without the wife saying “Oh, you cleaned that mold off the shower wall so good, baby…that was so hot…yeah, do it harder, scrub harder.”
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:54 am
Bwahahaha!
I wish my husband begged me for sex. Wanna trade?
April 23rd, 2008 at 11:39 am
Sounds a lot like my husband. I thought men hit their high point at 18! Somebody lied to me!!!! Maybe they said started at 18, but when the hell does it end?
April 23rd, 2008 at 11:49 am
First…Dear commenter #3 (Becky) If the blogging goddess doesn’t want to trade you, I WILL.
Ehem…
I totally empathize with you. My pet peeve is being woken up in the morning. I usually feel like I’ve been run over by a train in the morning and doing the mattress dance is usually WAAAAYYYY down on my list of things to do when I feel like that.
P.S.
Thanks for the email. I wanted to reply (because you made me howl w/laughter) but gmail has locked my account. I suppose sending a blanket apology to 700 people for sending them invites to a reunion site will cause that to happen. Sigh.
April 23rd, 2008 at 11:49 am
HA HA HA I loved this post! Your marriage sounds like mine. Once, for Mother’s Day, my then kindergartner filled out a little questionnaire for me that was presented at parent teacher conference. It had my name, my age (she said 23. Love that kid!), my favorite food, etc. Then it got to the part where it said “My mom likes_________” and she wrote “when my dad spanks her butt.”
I was mortified.
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:02 pm
With mine he wakes me up in the wee hours of the morning, like 3 am, and then can’t understand why I don’t wanna. Hellooo? I was just snoring and drooling a second ago, wasn’t that a clue that I was otherwise occupied?
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:11 pm
And what the hell is it with blowjobs?? The more he wants one, the less I want to give one. Seriously, left to my own devices I will. Just not when I feel like that’s the only thing you think my mouth is made to do. Damn.
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:13 pm
First of all I feel for you…my husband is the same way, when he’s home. For a myriad of reasons I refer to myself as a married single mom, so I totally relate to your semi-single mother thing. The first sentence my now 5 year old put together was “Get off my mommy!!!!!” She was suppossed to be napping, so mommy and daddy went to take a “nap” too…oops!
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Ha! I laugh cuz I’ve been there. My hubby isn’t gone for days on end, but we work opposite shifts, so the days he and I are home at the same time MANY things just like this happen. I guess I should be flattered that after nearly 12 years together he still *likes* to grab my ass, but strangely I still slap him every time.
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Blowjob? What’s that?
Been so long I don’t think my wife would remember how to work the giant cucumber
Hard up, all of us men are (grin).
Seriously - great blog today! Good perspective for us guys to have. You nailed it with having the beer ready, so what more could we ask for?
Cheers!
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:28 pm
i swear i could have written this post (except mine would only be half as funny…). seriously, though, when gabe goes out of town, i like it! it means i have both the remote and my body to myself!
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Your husband should consider himself lucky. I don’t do blowjobs unless I lose a bet, and I make damn sure I never lose. Sucks to be my husband. HA! I didn’t even realise what I just did there with the whole “sucks” thing.
Anyway, hilarious post. I want to print it, frame it, and put it on the wall wherever my husband inconveniently pesters me for sex. Guess I’ll need about 100 copies.
April 23rd, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Scary…. that sounds soooo much like my other half that it is scary I wonder if they could be Bro’s and if they are what sort of up bringing did they have LOL
April 23rd, 2008 at 1:41 pm
hilarious. totally hilarious.
er, uh, unless you were being serious. then, um, well, uh, maybe we could arrange a trade.!
April 23rd, 2008 at 1:43 pm
I adore when my husband is out of town, because let’s face it - there is one less man to take care of in the house. I can cook what I want, eat when I want and do what I want with the kids. The remote is all mine - and I can watch whatever I want at night. It is nice when he comes home, but seriously if he could go for a week and be back for a week and go again - that would be perfect.
As far as the blow jobs go, I have a way to put an end to the constant requests: Give your partner the paper tube from the middle of a jumbo roll of toilet paper. Make him keep it on his mouth WITHOUT using his teeth for 20 minutes while sliding it in and out. The grab his ears and put your hands on the back of his head a few times and push down. Maybe even shoot some salty ass water in there for fun. This ends the requests quite quickly - it worked here!
April 23rd, 2008 at 1:57 pm
My preteens have let us know that they are painfully aware of what our “dates” in the bedroom really are. Oh well. Fun while it lasted.
April 23rd, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Wow. I can’t wait to get married.
Great post.
April 23rd, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Yah, I suck too. And not the way that SB wants either. Seriously though, if SB did clean the house unprompted, there probably would be more stains on the sheets that I wouldn’t mind cleaning. Just sayin’…
April 23rd, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Speaking of sucking as a wife, I carried in all of the groceries from the store earlier..and left them in my garage for my husband to carry up the two sets of steps when he gets home. He’s going to love me for that. (Most of it is heavy cans). Additionally, I’m glad I’m not the only person whose husband randomly busts his junk out in her face while she’s just sitting on the couch trying to get some blog reading done. Next time, I’m gonna shut it in my laptop.
April 23rd, 2008 at 2:41 pm
So you’re married to a 14 year old as well, eh?
April 23rd, 2008 at 2:56 pm
But you know, blowjobs are GREAT for tension headaches. Seriously. They make you relax the jaw muscles that have been clenched all day while dealing with…ummm…stuff…
April 23rd, 2008 at 3:15 pm
I loved this part:
“Unless of course you are offering to scrub out the guest toilet and quickly vacuum so they don’t know we are sloths. Then I may be inclined to show my gratitude in a horizontal position.
But you didn’t offer. Too bad for you.”
LOL! SO true. And I’m not married yet but this entry + all the other comments from other women + the striking similarities I already see in my fiance… Do they ever mature in that way??
April 23rd, 2008 at 3:38 pm
I would actually be wishing misterpie was more that way if I weren’t so damn tired… and large.
April 23rd, 2008 at 5:02 pm
My husband is an unrepentant boob-grabber, and I live with him EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR.
Pray for me.
April 23rd, 2008 at 5:36 pm
*snigger* unfortunately it takes guys AGES to realise that sexual innuendo (see I know big words like) is fine when the kids are under 5, not so much as they get older.
Like when your daughter is 16. She KNOWS what you mean, dickhead. And no, my mention of a part of your anatomy is NOT an invitation…
*sigh*
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Wait a second….is that thing, [mentioned above] about the tension headaches true? Because if it is, I have a feeling my husband is going to be a much happier man.
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Holy shit. We’re married to the same guy.
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:19 pm
I just keep waiting for my sexual peak to hit. Then maybe it won’t take choreplay to get me aroused.
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:52 pm
‘tube steak waved in face’ *SNORT*
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:52 pm
PS - we gotta talk about that lazy fuck thing.
xxo
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:29 pm
So, what you’re saying is, you’re not a porn star?
The men we’re married to are ever so romantic, aren’t they…
April 24th, 2008 at 2:09 am
THANK GOD !!!!
I am not alone.
lol.
April 24th, 2008 at 6:49 am
Best. Cartoon. Ever.
April 24th, 2008 at 6:54 am
choreplay! thank you, mgm - that is exactly what it is. and it works every damn time. if the huz could only figure it out, my kitchen would be spotless.
April 24th, 2008 at 8:09 am
It’s hard to believe, but I’d forgotten about that part of marriage. Or blocked it from my memory, lol. My ex-husband was JUST LIKE THAT. The way he carried on wantind sex ALL THE TIME, you’d think he’d just been released from prison or a monastery or something. Sheesh. Being single again isn’t all that bad. The remote, the couch and the bed are mine, all mine. And I get to cook whatever I want and don’t have to listen to someone sniping at me about how lame my choice of music is. I hope the next 24 hours pass quickly for you. And your boobs.
April 24th, 2008 at 8:18 am
Choreplay? New word of the year. Freakin’ awesome.
Try being married to a boob grabber when you’re breastfeeding a two week old. Hard to explain just how much I don’t want ANYONE touching them when the baby isn’t latched on.
April 24th, 2008 at 8:29 am
with you around T how CAN he control himself?
April 24th, 2008 at 9:18 am
With nothing but men at work (minus that asian coffee chick) and you at home its no wonder he is the way he is.
And the fact that he is male.
April 24th, 2008 at 9:48 am
SLEEPYNITA, As far as the blow jobs go, I have a way to put an end to the constant requests: Give your partner the paper tube from the middle of a jumbo roll of toilet paper. Make him keep it on his mouth WITHOUT using his teeth for 20 minutes while sliding it in and out. The grab his ears and put your hands on the back of his head a few times and push down. Maybe even shoot some salty ass water in there for fun. This ends the requests quite quickly - it worked here!
OMG, I about peed myself reading your comment above. I am making my hubby read this blog and all it’s comments! I swear she could have been writing about him. Thanks for the cuddle time last night, it should have been called let me try to penetrate your buttocks time.
This blog was GREAT!
April 24th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Maybe your husband and my wife should get together. I do all the house work, along with working 60 hours per week, and she does nothing but walk around the house necked.
I understand what you are going through.
Love your blog, keep up the great work
April 24th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Thank you for that. I hadn’t laughed my ass off in quite some time.
April 24th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
I just knew these comments would be great after reading this post! Great one! I sometimes feel like the Ice Princess when my husband comes at me and I’m smelly, tired and sick of being needed. Nice to know I’m not alone!
April 24th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Mine just huffed off to bed. In a snit. Alone.
Need I say more?
April 24th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
It’s a nice club to belong to, the Sucking as a Wife Club. We have a nice clubhouse and every year, we have a party. With cookies.
April 25th, 2008 at 4:50 am
I never grow weary of your euphemisms for the penis. Thanks for cracking me up so early in the AM.
April 25th, 2008 at 8:23 am
HAHAHA!!!! damn i snorted my espresso all over myself….thanks for making me laugh once again red-neck mommy.
April 25th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
LOL That was great!!
April 25th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
SleepyNita’s comment was hilarious! I am SO going to suggest that to my husband the next time he pouts because I’m not in the mood to do the whole blowjob thing. And I’m constantly fighting my husband off in front of our two sons, just like you described!
April 26th, 2008 at 3:19 am
Choreplay is my favorite new word.
April 26th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Dave and Boo were cut from the same cloth.
April 26th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
My dude lives in another state and we’re doing the long distance thing. It’s ever so cute to be ravished on the first day, but after that I could merrily rip his dingus off and make him eat it.
April 28th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
I could swear this was my house you were writing about. All the way to the end. I guess it is nice to know that my hubby isn’t the only one to act like a constantly horny teenager.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:00 am
I wish my husband wanted sex…. every once in a great great while he will request it..but other then that… he’s pretty much told me to go ahead and get a boyfriend for that…and honsetly…the drama isnt worth it..and thus..oh well.
June 2nd, 2008 at 12:04 pm
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